Should I leave?

[summerdays]

Hello, I'm new here and was hoping to find some advice plse...

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4 years and we have 3 beautiful children aged 8, 4 and 1 and he is a great, hands on father. He has a good job and supports me as a full time mum and home educator.

For the first 5 years of our relationship we argued and fought every week, I was insecure and suffered with low self esteem and he was a person who was very nice, quiet and seemingly calm, although he would show no emotion, could be quite selfish and had a serious porn addiction, but we really loved each other and somehow managed to stay together.

Then he moved abroad for work and we split up for 9 months, by this time we had our first child, who was 2. During this time I experienced independence, cleared my debts, finished a diploma, had some counseling for my self esteem issues and I began to grow as a person.

We reconciled and I joined him abroad only to be faced with the same issues that had driven us apart, mainly the porn addiction and selfishness.

We tried counseling, which seemed to help, had another child and got married.

Then I discovered that he was over £30,000.00 in debt, so I cut up all the credit cards and got us into a debt management plan, so now I'm blacklisted. After a couple of years, we returned to England and had more counseling because we still had communication issues.

A few months ago I discovered the porn is still there and always has been despite being promised hundreds of times that it had stopped, which has affected our sex life.

But the biggest issue for me now, which has always been there but now I'm getting older I notice it more is the non existence of any emotional connection and the lack of communication, he doesn't talk, whereas I'm quite sociable. I could be sitting in front of him at the dinner table with tears of distress running down my face and he wouldn't notice. I suffer occasionally with depression and I'm just left to fester. If I'm sad I'm just ignored as if I don't exist. If I try to talk about how I feel, he gets angry and doesn't want to hear it or twists the blame onto me. If we argue, I'm then completely ignored as if I don't exist for days. I feel so lonely and frustrated.

We've just finished more counseling because I'd had enough of the cycle we go through... a build up of tension, then an argument, then I'd be ignored for days, then make up (but not resolve underlying issue), then calm, then build up of tension... but he managed to put on a great performance for 6 months convincing the counselor and me that he was the perfect husband, but as soon as the counseling finished he changed straight back to the way he was, non cummunicative, self absorbed... I feel that I do everything to make sure his needs are met in this marriage and yet none of mine are. He is quite happy with the way things are and yet I am so unhappy.

BUT he is a good dad, and our 3 children are very happy and I don't want to destroy their happiness but every time we have a row (if you can call it that when words are exchanged and then it's the silent treatment and being ignored for days on end) the urge to leave gets stronger and stronger as I feel that another fragment of my spirit is being chipped away.

Most people think he is perfect, with everyone else he is charming, polite, gentle, calm, always immaculately dressed and groomed with a good job and a great dad, and I've been told I should appreciate what I have. But these people don't know about the porn or the debt or see the rages he flies into if I dare to say anything wrong or see how he just sits in front of the TV with his laptop every day and doesn't speak to me.

But then maybe they're right, he's not violent, doesn't drink or take drugs ...am I'm just being selfish?

Edited July 29, 2012 by summerdays

[SoleMate]

Since you have 3 kids, and your husband is not a horror, leaving should be a last resort. I recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley - it is the single most effective relationship book around. It is filled with practical advice based on common sense research. Please try it!

[cms2012]

Hello, I'm new here and was hoping to find some advice plse...

 

But the biggest issue for me now, which has always been there but now I'm getting older I notice it more is the non existence of any emotional connection and the lack of communication, he doesn't talk, whereas I'm quite sociable. I could be sitting in front of him at the dinner table with tears of distress running down my face and he wouldn't notice. I suffer occasionally with depression and I'm just left to fester. If I'm sad I'm just ignored as if I don't exist. If I try to talk about how I feel, he gets angry and doesn't want to hear it or twists the blame onto me. If we argue, I'm then completely ignored as if I don't exist for days. I feel so lonely and frustrated.

We've just finished more counseling because I'd had enough of the cycle we go through... a build up of tension, then an argument, then I'd be ignored for days, then make up (but not resolve underlying issue), then calm, then build up of tension... but he managed to put on a great performance for 6 months convincing the counselor and me that he was the perfect husband, but as soon as the counseling finished he changed straight back to the way he was, non cummunicative, self absorbed... I feel that I do everything to make sure his needs are met in this marriage and yet none of mine are. He is quite happy with the way things are and yet I am so unhappy.

BUT he is a good dad, and our 3 children are very happy and I don't want to destroy their happiness but every time we have a row (if you can call it that when words are exchanged and then it's the silent treatment and being ignored for days on end) the urge to leave gets stronger and stronger as I feel that another fragment of my spirit is being chipped away.

Most people think he is perfect, with everyone else he is charming, polite, gentle, calm, always immaculately dressed and groomed with a good job and a great dad, and I've been told I should appreciate what I have. But these people don't know about the porn or the debt or see the rages he flies into if I dare to say anything wrong or see how he just sits in front of the TV with his laptop every day and doesn't speak to me.

 

But then maybe they're right, he's not violent, doesn't drink or take drugs ...am I'm just being selfish?

 

Hi Summerdays...I am truly sorry for all that you are experiencing...please let me preface by saying that I do not have the answers as I'm am in the middle of the end of what has been a long road in my own marriage...

 

But as someone who can relate so intensely to your comments and as a woman with a child, who did move out...no matter of all the justification and the pain I *know* you feel. Moving out will NOT do you any good. Suffering emotional neglect should have bearing too, but I'm learning it doesn't.

 

Coping with your situation from where you are...is what needs to take place. How you do that?...well that is where I will know others here will be able to provide more input.

 

Hang in there...if there is one small thing I can offer, it's that I truly understand. - C

[summerdays]

Thank you for your replies.

But yes, emotional neglect. I suffered this as a child, which is why I left home at 16, ended up taking drugs, placing myself in extremely high risk situations and ended up in a relationship with a physically abusive man who smashed my cheek bone and cracked my head open, he also systematically cheated on me with anything with a pulse. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to leave him, but not until after 5 years.

Sadly it seems little recognised that emotional abuse/neglect can have just as devastating effects as physical abuse.

My husbands needs are met in our marriage and he is happy whereas my emotional needs are not only not met but are completely ignored, even rejected. I've read relationship guidance books, my husband refused to read them, we have tried counseling numerous times and it doesn't work (he sees himself as the good husband supporting his wife who needs counseling).

How long am I to hang in there when I know that after 11 years, nothing will change but will only get worse? I take marriage vows very seriously but I'm starting to understand why some people end up having affairs when their needs are not being met.

Is it not better to leave an unhappy marriage with a chance of some sort of amicability for the sake of the children than to wait until an affair crops up that would be devastating to everyone?

And even though the children are happy now, being so young and unaware, but as they get older and their mother grows more frustrated and sinks deeper into depression, surely that will have a detrimental affect on them?

Edited July 29, 2012 by summerdays

[cms2012]

Thank you for your replies.

 

How long am I to hang in there when I know that after 11 years, nothing will change but will only get worse? I take marriage vows very seriously but I'm starting to understand why some people end up having affairs when their needs are not being met.

Is it not better to leave an unhappy marriage with a chance of some sort of amicability for the sake of the children than to wait until an affair crops up that would be devastating to everyone?

And even though the children are happy now, being so young and unaware, but as they get older and their mother grows more frustrated and sinks deeper into depression, surely that will have a detrimental affect on them?

 

Summerdays, I know...there is no easy answer here.

 

I have 12 years with my H, and though I feel I took my vows seriously, my H would tell you different because I left. Throughout this separation, my H and I are and continue to be 'amicable' for our child.

 

But here we are nearing our end and hurt emotions are still present. And I too have come to understand why people end up having affairs, or fall into another before one is finalized, and the answer I have at current, is that NOTHING about D is amicable and/or easy.

 

His actions are speaking his position, and once things get ugly (and even though we hope they won't, were still human) - the process takes on a a life of its own.

 

Stay put, find support, get legal advice, put it out there, and start something. You're right, you and your children do deserve better, people tell me that too, but moving out will not do it. I say this to you only from what I learned. I know how 'stubborn' I was about my reasoning to leave, I know how everything you've endured and continue to endure feels...just take some time to learn what you need to...

[BetrayedH]

It's time for the "I'm about to divorce you" conversation. When my wife told me she thought we needed to separate, I was shocked. Men are idiots. We don't recognize softball signals at all. When she put it out there clear as day, I changed big time. Prior to that very direct conversation, I was probably very similar to your H as far as thinking that I was a good H and that she needed therapy. Sadly, by the time my wife had the courage to have a very direct conversation with me, she'd already been in an affair for 13 months.

 

I recommend you determine exactly what you need in order to stay and put an ultimatum on the table. The book previously mentioned is a good one. REQUIRE him to read it.

 

Good luck.

[KathyM]

Insist that he get counseling for the porn addiction. When a person is addicted to that, they become irritable, isolating, non-communicative, and they treat you like the enemy if you dare say anything against their porn addiction or if you try to suggest they cut down on the viewing. Until he gets that addiction under control, I doubt you'll see any changes in his personality.

[BetrayedH]

I don't mean to open up a huge debate here but can I ask, what is he doing to merit his porn viewing as an addiction? Are we talking about this truly being a disruption to life's normal activities or is it more that he views it, you find it offensive and he doesn't stop (or somewhere inbetween)? I believe some people are porn/sex addicts but that porn is viewed somewhat routinely these days and viewing it (and refusing to stop) may not be an addiction but a marital disagreement. Just asking to get perspective. Do you have strong moral beliefs that make it unacceptable or does he truly have a "problem"?

[BetrayedH]

alas this will open up a huge debate.!!

 

 

Whether he has a `problem`, no one here can give you a definitive answer because they will be both right and wrong.

 

If it affects YOU, and you don`t like it and he won`t stop then , yes, it is a problem.

 

You come across as open minded about it?

 

And you know he does it? How do you know may i ask? He told you?

 

I certainly agree that the OPs perspective on porn matters. This is especially true if her views/expectations were made clear at the beginning of the relationship/marriage. Perhaps she made it clear that this was a dealbreaker for her. I just see the word addiction thrown around a lot and I'm not sure that's always an accurate description.

 

I just know that MY advice would be different if we're talking about two people trying to negotiate cultural and moral differences about porn within the confines of a marriage as opposed to addressing a true porn addiction. This seems to be a big issue for the OP so we could use some information.

[jgregory4614]

Yes... I was like your H also. Didn't listen. Stayed on the laptop and didn't show a lot of emotion.

You need to have THE TALK with your H. Let him know y ou mean buisness. You need to somehow get him involved with learning how to work on your relolationship. Its important because of your kids. I have 3 kids also but our marriage didn't work out. Kids do suffer but you also need your sanity. Just like its mentioned in the previous post,

make an altimadum and use part of that for his porn addiction. Its going to be hard for him to kick that addiction. He just needs professional help with it. Good luck! Keep

us updated.

Love Life!

[KathyM]

Here are some of the symptoms of a porn addiction:

 

1. Spends an excessive amount of time viewing porn.

 

2. Neglects school, work or other obligations because of spending too much time viewing porn.

 

3. Becomes depressed, moody or anxious when not viewing porn (withdrawal symptoms).

 

4. Changes in eating or sleeping habits because of porn (such as staying up later at night to view porn, skipping meals because he doesn't want to leave the computer, or taking his meals/snacks to the computer to eat while viewing porn).

 

5. Fantacizing about or being preoccupied with porn when not online.

 

6. Lying about porn use.

 

7. Turning to porn as an escape from life problems/marital discourse.

 

8. Impairment in relationships, work, school or other functioning because of excessive use of porn.

[Ami1uwant]

My husbands needs are met in our marriage and he is happy whereas my emotional needs are not only not met but are completely ignored, even rejected. I've read relationship guidance books, my husband refused to read them, we have tried counseling numerous times and it doesn't work (he sees himself as the good husband supporting his wife who needs counseling).

How long am I to hang in there when I know that after 11 years, nothing will change but will only get worse? I take marriage vows very seriously but I'm starting to understand why some people end up having affairs when their needs are not being met.

Is it not better to leave an unhappy marriage with a chance of some sort of amicability for the sake of the children than to wait until an affair crops up that would be devastating to everyone?

And even though the children are happy now, being so young and unaware, but as they get older and their mother grows more frustrated and sinks deeper into depression, surely that will have a detrimental affect on them?

 

 

 

It sounds to me you two have a serious communication problem which is a common problem with marriages.

 

As you said your emotional needs arent met....

 

what are those??? Can you list them?

 

Does he realize what these are?

 

If he has a form of Aspergers he will be cluelsss to your nonverbal attempts at communication.

 

When did these problems happen? Was it after the children were born or before? Did you in any way contribute to this communication problem like say go through PPD?