Lady2 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Hello I'm here because I honestly need someone's non-biased advice regarding the status of my relationship... I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We've had our "ups & downs" in that time period, but ultimately we've always decided that we still love each other and want to make it work, etc. I wouldn't say our relationship is always a struggle, but I would say that he has a lot of issues regarding growing up (He's 22, I'm 24) and making a commitment to a girl... About 8 months ago, he broke up with me out of the blue claiming that he "wasnt in love anymore". It was very sudden and really had no basis, as we were doing fine at that point and probably less than a week prior to that and frequently during that time he would say all those mushy/gushy things to me that would make me turn to jelly... You know, the romantic things that made me think that we really had something strong. I was devastated, and that is putting it mildly. For the next 3-4 months, we occasionally hung out with increasing frequency... I went on dates with other guys, he went on dates with other girls. It broke my heart but I rolled with it. He wouldn't talk to me much about why we really broke up, but I got enough out of him to gather that he was scared of me, wasn't ready for a commitment (I wasn't asking for marriage), didnt want to feel tied down, etc...Basically, he didn't want to feel married at 22. I don't blame him. After the initial devastation, I grew to enjoy my new freedom and seeing friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. But even after going on dates with other guys and giving myself a fair shot at meeting someone who may have been "better for me", I would go home from dates and just want to be with him... He eventually told me that he felt the same. In fact, he would text me after dates with other girls and tell me "I sat there thinking of you the entire time"... When I would ask him if that meant we should be together, he wouldnt really talk about it... Yet would continue to go on dates with girls. It was like on the one hand he would tell me that he knows I'm the one for him, that I make him happy, etc... But on the other hand would continue to search for something else. Ultimately, he was searching for someone who was *exactly* like me, but wasnt me... I told him that this made no sense, and he agreed (Mind f**k much?). I have concluded that his main issue is his lack of sense of "manliness" as I make more $ than him and have the beginning of a career, where as he is just getting into a field he likes and I know he doesn't feel like a man who can take care of his girlfriend due to the financial difference. I have no issues with supporting myself, as long as he puts in his half-- Thats fine with me. But I hate that it indirectly belittles his sense of self-worth. I also know that he really just likes the attention from more attractive girls... He wants pretty girls to be interested in him so he can feel like a man, which again is due to his lack of feeling competent. So all of his "looking for someone else" thing 8 months ago was really just him wanting to see who he "could potentially get"... Not that he necessarily went out & got them. It always stopped/ended after a few chats/date. After a few months of that, I actually encouraged him to go on dates with other girls... As messed up as it sounds, I know it was all superficial and I knew that he wouldn't find someone like me (Not that im perfect, I'm not ). And i feel like he knew this too, but had to do it anyway for whatever reason... Without making this too drawn out, although I could go on & on with the details... Fast forward to 8 months later when we more or less back together (There was no official moment, but he had mentioned he wasnt looking for another girl and I wasnt looking either... And things started feeling more normal with hanging out, etc), and I get a job offer 5 hours away from my hometown. I took it. I didn't pressure him, I didn't even suggest it... It was kind of one of those unspoken things where he had his exit right then & there since I would be moving if he chose to take that route... But he decided to move with me. I knew he was nervous about it, worried about living together, starting over at a new job, etc... But I moved in mid june, and two weeks later (after finishing up things at home) he joined me. Currently, he is living with me for almost a month. Theres a part in the back of my mind that wonders what his intentions are with me, why he decided to move here with me, and what would I do if those "feelings" should arise again of him needing to explore. The natural progression of things would be in a few years to get married if we didnt break up... but now that hes living with me, it's going to be that much more painful to seperate ourselves AGAIN after a breakup. And I will never speak to him again if that should happen, I am at that stage where one more little "WTF IS THIS BULL" thing will send me away for good. I know he is nowhere near the stage of getting married... I have no factual knowledge or evidence, but my gut feeling is telling me that those thoughts of "is the grass greener" still exists for him but is more subdued. Even though he confirmed that it wasnt greener 8 months ago. I don't want to worry that my boyfriend is going to be seeing a pretty blonde and feel the need to attract her. I also don't want to worry about what I'm doing wasting my time if in a few years this person is still not ready for marriage or to make a commitment. I honestly would never have thought he was serious about our relationship since 8 months ago... But then he decided to move away to be with me, and now I feel confused... I do still love him, very much so. I don't feel like its always rainbows, which is normal when you get more comfortable with eachother. Since being here, he has been cute with me and I do feel loved most of the time... I think the other part is me being paranoid of "whats to come". I can be an over-worrier, by the way... But I just cant get it out of my head. I am trying my best to not make living together be smothering, so we each have plenty of our own time to do what we wish and be seperate. However, there is definitely a sense of disconnect that I sometimes have with him... which never used to be the case. I don't want him (or me) to get bored of eachother... I am just looking for some input! Am I unreasonable to still be worrying about this? Why else would he move 5 hours away, leaving his entire life behind, to be with me? Isn't that showing me some level of "I want to be in this relationship despite how I've acted"? I need to stop thinking... Help... lol.
Scorpius Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Hello I'm here because I honestly need someone's non-biased advice regarding the status of my relationship... I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We've had our "ups & downs" in that time period, but ultimately we've always decided that we still love each other and want to make it work, etc. I wouldn't say our relationship is always a struggle, but I would say that he has a lot of issues regarding growing up (He's 22, I'm 24) and making a commitment to a girl... About 8 months ago, he broke up with me out of the blue claiming that he "wasnt in love anymore". It was very sudden and really had no basis, as we were doing fine at that point and probably less than a week prior to that and frequently during that time he would say all those mushy/gushy things to me that would make me turn to jelly... You know, the romantic things that made me think that we really had something strong. I was devastated, and that is putting it mildly. For the next 3-4 months, we occasionally hung out with increasing frequency... I went on dates with other guys, he went on dates with other girls. It broke my heart but I rolled with it. He wouldn't talk to me much about why we really broke up, but I got enough out of him to gather that he was scared of me, wasn't ready for a commitment (I wasn't asking for marriage), didnt want to feel tied down, etc...Basically, he didn't want to feel married at 22. I don't blame him. After the initial devastation, I grew to enjoy my new freedom and seeing friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. But even after going on dates with other guys and giving myself a fair shot at meeting someone who may have been "better for me", I would go home from dates and just want to be with him... He eventually told me that he felt the same. In fact, he would text me after dates with other girls and tell me "I sat there thinking of you the entire time"... When I would ask him if that meant we should be together, he wouldnt really talk about it... Yet would continue to go on dates with girls. It was like on the one hand he would tell me that he knows I'm the one for him, that I make him happy, etc... But on the other hand would continue to search for something else. Ultimately, he was searching for someone who was *exactly* like me, but wasnt me... I told him that this made no sense, and he agreed (Mind f**k much?). I have concluded that his main issue is his lack of sense of "manliness" as I make more $ than him and have the beginning of a career, where as he is just getting into a field he likes and I know he doesn't feel like a man who can take care of his girlfriend due to the financial difference. I have no issues with supporting myself, as long as he puts in his half-- Thats fine with me. But I hate that it indirectly belittles his sense of self-worth. I also know that he really just likes the attention from more attractive girls... He wants pretty girls to be interested in him so he can feel like a man, which again is due to his lack of feeling competent. So all of his "looking for someone else" thing 8 months ago was really just him wanting to see who he "could potentially get"... Not that he necessarily went out & got them. It always stopped/ended after a few chats/date. After a few months of that, I actually encouraged him to go on dates with other girls... As messed up as it sounds, I know it was all superficial and I knew that he wouldn't find someone like me (Not that im perfect, I'm not ). And i feel like he knew this too, but had to do it anyway for whatever reason... Without making this too drawn out, although I could go on & on with the details... Fast forward to 8 months later when we more or less back together (There was no official moment, but he had mentioned he wasnt looking for another girl and I wasnt looking either... And things started feeling more normal with hanging out, etc), and I get a job offer 5 hours away from my hometown. I took it. I didn't pressure him, I didn't even suggest it... It was kind of one of those unspoken things where he had his exit right then & there since I would be moving if he chose to take that route... But he decided to move with me. I knew he was nervous about it, worried about living together, starting over at a new job, etc... But I moved in mid june, and two weeks later (after finishing up things at home) he joined me. Currently, he is living with me for almost a month. Theres a part in the back of my mind that wonders what his intentions are with me, why he decided to move here with me, and what would I do if those "feelings" should arise again of him needing to explore. The natural progression of things would be in a few years to get married if we didnt break up... but now that hes living with me, it's going to be that much more painful to seperate ourselves AGAIN after a breakup. And I will never speak to him again if that should happen, I am at that stage where one more little "WTF IS THIS BULL" thing will send me away for good. I know he is nowhere near the stage of getting married... I have no factual knowledge or evidence, but my gut feeling is telling me that those thoughts of "is the grass greener" still exists for him but is more subdued. Even though he confirmed that it wasnt greener 8 months ago. I don't want to worry that my boyfriend is going to be seeing a pretty blonde and feel the need to attract her. I also don't want to worry about what I'm doing wasting my time if in a few years this person is still not ready for marriage or to make a commitment. I honestly would never have thought he was serious about our relationship since 8 months ago... But then he decided to move away to be with me, and now I feel confused... I do still love him, very much so. I don't feel like its always rainbows, which is normal when you get more comfortable with eachother. Since being here, he has been cute with me and I do feel loved most of the time... I think the other part is me being paranoid of "whats to come". I can be an over-worrier, by the way... But I just cant get it out of my head. I am trying my best to not make living together be smothering, so we each have plenty of our own time to do what we wish and be seperate. However, there is definitely a sense of disconnect that I sometimes have with him... which never used to be the case. I don't want him (or me) to get bored of eachother... I am just looking for some input! Am I unreasonable to still be worrying about this? Why else would he move 5 hours away, leaving his entire life behind, to be with me? Isn't that showing me some level of "I want to be in this relationship despite how I've acted"? I need to stop thinking... Help... lol. Wow now thats alot of content! based off what i've read you seem to be having conflicting emotions. You love him yet you're scared of that fact that history may repeat itself if he leaves you again just like he did the first time. The fact that he moved in with you and left his entire life behind should tell you he wants to be with you considering thats a pretty big step for him to make. It understandable that you still worry about that since you ended up going through alot of pain the last time he left. The best thing for you is to concentrate on your relationship with him living with you now and try not to worry too much about what happened in the past and if it will come up again. If he leaves you again, you'll know that he's not the one you should be with, allow your heart time to heal from the pain, pick yourself up and move on!
ja123 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) I think the best person to talk to about how you're feeling is him. It's normal for you to wonder how things will turn out. No one ever knows how things will turn out, btw; but, I think what you want to know is that he has honest intentions and doesn't see the end of the relationship with you which would mean there's a possibility of it progressing to marriage. As for "bored of each other", there are ebbs and flows with LTRs, sometimes a bit of boredon ... that's par for the course ... it's a question of how long it lasts and how proactive and committed two people can be at identifying and dealing with such things. Each person has to take his fair share of responsibility in making things work. Edited July 29, 2012 by ja123
thatone Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I disagree. Moving in is not commitment. It is simply convenience. could get the same advice from any baptist minister, but that guy is just as likely to think the world is flat. meanwhile, back in the real world.. yes offering to move in and share expenses CAN be a form of commitment. i see it as one. i've never been married, never wanted to be married, at the 6 month to 1 year mark in a relationship, that's all a girl is gonna get from me...an offer to live together. the way i see it is i'm agreeing to share money for however long we live together, up to and including sharing a mortgage or lease. so yes, that is commitment. but in your particular circumstance, is he agreeing to help pay here? i'm assuming that he quit his job to move in with you. does he have a new job yet? is he offering to split the bills? if so is he following through on that? if so then yes i would say this is an offer of commitment from him. if not, he's probably just looking for a free place to live.
Author Lady2 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks so much for reading & responding. I think that him moving to live with me, in an area where we both don't know anyone, wasn't necessarily convenient for him which also wasn't convenient for me either. He left a decent job that he liked, in an area that he knew, with friends around... but I understand what you mean. It may have been convenient in the way of "Hey, here's my ticket out of here... Let me just see where this leads" and not necessarily "I love this girl to pieces, let me be with her". He hasn't started his job here yet, BUT I wouldn't say he is getting a free ride either. He has money saved up and has bought groceries, etc, and while I might be paying the rent as of now... He does make his efforts when he can. I've been testing him in little ways also... To see if he'll make us dinner, or clean the dishes, do the laundry, etc, without me having to be the "nagging girlfriend" (I refuse to turn into that). He usually does his share without me saying anything. As far as it being a bad idea to live together before marriage/commitment, I do to some extent agree with what someone posted. Which is why I never originally asked him to move with me when I got the job offer... I did mention it afterwards, as he came with me to look at apartments and we discussed it then. Even before he moved here, I reminded him that living together TO ME at least wasn't just a "Hey, lets see if this works out and if not so be it" type of thing. He admitted that he knew the "seriousness" of it, and that it wasnt just a whimsical type of decision. I do think he believes that. I also think he's still 22, struggling with being the "good boyfriend" role and that nagging little thought (Which I assume most guys face at some point?) of wanting to be a manwhore and experience other girls... And part of me wonders how mature he really is to make this type of decision. I would really just like to avoid any type of future heartbreak that may occur, and I hate that I have become preoccupied by it. I have also tried to discuss little things like this with him, but if I really laid it out on the line, it would be smothering and I know he would see me as doubting him and he would just say that I am worrying for no reason...
thatone Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 (edited) Pierre, she already lives with him, all the self hating christian guilt in the world isn't gonna make any difference. and you don't have to worry about children, i made the decision not to do that a long time ago. but that doesn't change the fact that marriage isn't magical, i don't care about it, just a non-binding contract. leases are harder to get out of than marriages are, actually. either way that has no bearing on how long any of my relationships last or don't last, because i stay with women that i like, and they stay with me if they like me, that's it. you'll be happy to know that she's stopped going to church and is admitting to not believing as much as she used to by the way. and it's only been 6 months! after a year she'll be as heathen as me. as for Lady2, yeah he's not gonna be mature at 22, but if he does those things you're saying he does, i would say that he's legitimately trying. it was a big decision he made, to leave whatever life he had to move in with you. relax, see how it goes. Edited July 30, 2012 by thatone
utterer of lies Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 About 8 months ago, he broke up with me out of the blue claiming that he "wasnt in love anymore". It was very sudden and really had no basis, as we were doing fine at that point It had a basis. The basis was that he felt he didn't love you anymore. I doubt that's changed. You are a convenience for him, nothing more. No wonder he doesn't want to commit further.
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