He makes more money--this is a problem

[AshleyM86]

Background: When my Fiance and I met( we were 23), I had a really good job, making good money, and he was in College with a part-time job. I helped him financially through school(nothing major, just close to $1000.00), and about a year after graduating he got a job in his chosen field, and until that time, I paid for the majority of things while we dated.

 

Present Time: We are now 26, and I am only working part-time on minimum wage( and have been for the past year and a half, though at one point with 2 PT jobs), and searching for a full time job again in the field I was in. My Fiance is growing resentful of the fact that he is having to pay for most things as we live together renting now. I am trying my hardest to find a good job, but times are tough where we live. It is the cause of many arguments now...even though I am the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc, I am told I am not contributing enough.

 

I understand his point of view, and how frusterating it is to have to pay majority, but it is really affecting our relationship to the point where we fight about this every other week at least.

 

Just hoping to get some thoughts on what I can do to make this situation better. I hope I included enough info in there without making it unbearable.

 

Thank you.

[amaysngrace]

Does he care more about you or more about money?

[AshleyM86]

I truly believe he loves me more than money. I also think I gave a fair representation of the situation, so I can see why one might ask that.

I just don't know what more I can do to make this situation we are in better... and I know I need to do something if I want things to change.

[Emme]

I truly think that this is one of the best test of a relationship that couples have. Even before you walk down that isle and marry you should know if your partner has your back. I use to tell my male friends that if they find a woman who's willing to be with them when they are broke. Consider marrying them. People stay together in good times and good times only nowadays.

 

You have invested 3 years. This is a man who you plan on marrying but he's not willing to pay the bulk of the bills and he makes more. You need to know this is the type of man you want to marry. He is not a man who's willing. He is the type of man that wants you to carry your weight. Is that what you want in a husband to know he is not willing to carry the family until things start to turn around for the better. Sometimes marriages end because it takes years for someone to get back on their feet. Face the fact that this is your future husband.

 

You need to have a sit down. Don't feel ashamed because of your circumstances. Tell him how you feel about the way he's acting and if that is what's in your future. You need to know. Bring up the past and remind him about the sacrifices you made in this relationship. Did you behave in the same manner as he is now. Everyone is stressed and at least you have a part-time job. If you can get another job, do it. At any cost. Even if you don't get to see him take another job. Know where you stand in your relationship and if that's the partner you want.

 

I hope and pray you never get sick.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Emme

[AshleyM86]

I truly think that this is one of the best test of a relationship that couples have. Even before you walk down that isle and marry you should know if your partner has your back. I use to tell my male friends that if they find a woman who's willing to be with them when they are broke. Consider marrying them. People stay together in good times and good times only nowadays.

 

You have invested 3 years. This is a man who you plan on marrying but he's not willing to pay the bulk of the bills and he makes more. You need to know this is the type of man you want to marry. He is not a man who's willing. He is the type of man that wants you to carry your weight. Is that what you want in a husband to know he is not willing to carry the family until things start to turn around for the better. Sometimes marriages end because it takes years for someone to get back on their feet. Face the fact that this is your future husband.

 

You need to have a sit down. Don't feel ashamed because of your circumstances. Tell him how you feel about the way he's acting and if that is what's in your future. You need to know. Bring up the past and remind him about the sacrifices you made in this relationship. Did you behave in the same manner as he is now. Everyone is stressed and at least you have a part-time job. If you can get another job, do it. At any cost. Even if you don't get to see him take another job. Know where you stand in your relationship and if that's the partner you want.

 

I hope and pray you never get sick.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

We talk about this issue often. His stand point is that if I don't get a career soon our lives will not be able to move forward and we will not be able to reach our common goals.

My stand point is that I am trying my hardest right now, and I try to contribute in all other ways as best as possible.

He sees me trying but it is still hard for him. He asked me to marry him while we were still going through this hard time, and he said money wasn`t the most important thing, and he still wants to be married.

 

I don`t know many others who have this issue, possibly because the stereotype is that men should want to take care of and provide for their wives. I would love to contribute more financially, and I`m sure I will do so in a matter of time.

 

I really want to know if he is being reasonable, or if I should be worried, and I guess I have your answer.

[Forever Silent]

Thank you for your advice.

 

We talk about this issue often. His stand point is that if I don't get a career soon our lives will not be able to move forward and we will not be able to reach our common goals.

My stand point is that I am trying my hardest right now, and I try to contribute in all other ways as best as possible.

He sees me trying but it is still hard for him. He asked me to marry him while we were still going through this hard time, and he said money wasn`t the most important thing, and he still wants to be married.

 

I don`t know many others who have this issue, possibly because the stereotype is that men should want to take care of and provide for their wives. I would love to contribute more financially, and I`m sure I will do so in a matter of time.

 

I really want to know if he is being reasonable, or if I should be worried, and I guess I have your answer.

 

If you are trying then he should understand, the economy is not in the best shape in the moment. I would expect he would have a little more compassion since you helped him throughout his time of struggle. I do not have any valueable advice to give because this is a hard issue to pass judgment on.

[Emme]

His stand point is that if I don't get a career soon our lives will not be able to move forward and we will not be able to reach our common goals.

 

He has a wonderful point. The question he's not asking himself is what if you two never reach that goal. Is your love enough. Is the love you share with each other strong enough to be content with the life your blessed with. If he's not ... honey be happy you know now. You can't say later on you had no idea. Ask him, see what he says. If you both don't reach your goal because no one knows what tomorrow brings is the love strong enough to hold you together.

 

 

He asked me to marry him while we were still going through this hard time, and he said money wasn`t the most important thing, and he still wants to be married.

 

That means nothing. I need to know if you'll be there for me in bad times and in sickness. Not that you'll be there for me until you can't take it anymore. Ride or die. My mother always taught me never lose your independence. If you marry always make sure that you know you can take care of yourself and your children, don't depend on no man. You are learning early in your relationship that you must remain independent. It's a great lesson, some women only find that out years later in their marriage and then they are stuck.

 

 

I don`t know many others who have this issue, possibly because the stereotype is that men should want to take care of and provide for their wives.

 

If you were a guy I would give you the same advice. You are not just sitting at home doing nothing. If you were then I'd have a problem with you. You are trying. All you need to do is get another job or lower your expectations on a specific career because you have a partner that's not willing to wait.

 

 

I really want to know if he is being reasonable, or if I should be worried, and I guess I have your answer.

 

It's hard to say. When your young you have these visions of what lifestyle you want to live. There is no patience in getting there you want it now. You're also engaged which is another strain and I don't know if your father is flipping the entire bill. He's concerned about living the dream he wanted for the both you. You just have to figure out/find out if he wants to be with you if the dream doesn't become reality.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Emme

[TripLine]

Background: When my Fiance and I met( we were 23), I had a really good job, making good money, and he was in College with a part-time job. I helped him financially through school(nothing major, just close to $1000.00), and about a year after graduating he got a job in his chosen field, and until that time, I paid for the majority of things while we dated.

 

Present Time: We are now 26, and I am only working part-time on minimum wage( and have been for the past year and a half, though at one point with 2 PT jobs), and searching for a full time job again in the field I was in. My Fiance is growing resentful of the fact that he is having to pay for most things as we live together renting now. I am trying my hardest to find a good job, but times are tough where we live. It is the cause of many arguments now...even though I am the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc, I am told I am not contributing enough.

 

I understand his point of view, and how frusterating it is to have to pay majority, but it is really affecting our relationship to the point where we fight about this every other week at least.

 

Just hoping to get some thoughts on what I can do to make this situation better. I hope I included enough info in there without making it unbearable.

 

Thank you.

 

Most men are ashamed to even take money like that. I would feel emasculated in a way. Now you know that you two are not good problem solvers when things arise. I would say that you wait for a few more difficult life decisions to happen before you even think about marrying.

[Els]

Honestly, I would think very poorly of a person that was happy to let me pay for everything, including his tuition, when I was better off than him, but makes a huge deal out of it (to the point of 'fights every week') when the tables are turned. It reeks of selfishness, IMO.

 

Surely you have pointed out to him that you had happily supported him back when he was poor? What does he say to that?

[brahmabull117]

what in the hell? If you're doing all the housework, why does he have a problem with paying most of the bills?

[whichwayisup]

You two need to solve this if you ever plan on marrying and having kids.

 

He is the breadwinner right now, just like you were in the past when you helped him out.

 

it's not like you're sitting and doing nothing, as you say you are doing all the house work so for now it's a fair trade.

[2sure]

Ashley...in a long term relationship, it's all about the teamwork. One partner might earn more or all. One partner may be sloppy. One may be a wonderful supporter of home and family, one might be really good at yard work and really bad at budgeting. Someone gets sick, someone loses a job....

 

It isn't all about having the same goals, interests or values...it's about being able to work with each other and sometimes around each other.

 

To me.

[AshleyM86]

Emme, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I also know that I need to be able to be independant, and it is a priority. I will approach the next discussion we have with your point of view and questions, because that would be a new perspective.Thank you.

 

TripLine, he didn't happily take the money, but he was in a tight spot, wanting to graduate on time.

 

Elswyth, I have pointed out these facts, but apparently he doesn't think you can compare the 2 because he has had to pay the majority for much longer than I did. I did happily help him out with money, AND with finding a career in his field. I reminded him of how I treated him when the situation was reversed, but he is worried this will be much more long term.

 

*To anyone who asked how he doesn't think I am contributing enough, when I do the housework and have a part-time job...this is because apparently only monetary value is really contributing to the quality of our lives.

 

I was raised to work hard for what I wanted, but that money was not the be all, end all. That you do the best you can with what you have and make the most of it, which is what makes you truly happy.

He was raised to work hard as well, but his family puts a much greater importance on money and what a person can financially contribute is apparently what determines their success. I do not agree with this, and I do not understand why my emotional support, and housework, cooking, etc as well as my part-time job is putting such a stress on our relationship.

 

When we have our arguements, by the end, I truly think we understand eachothers perspectives...but we are just not on the same page with how we move forward based on our beliefs. I don't want to feel like a burden to him, and he wouldn't want me to either, but it always comes back to money.

[brahmabull117]

Emme, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I also know that I need to be able to be independant, and it is a priority. I will approach the next discussion we have with your point of view and questions, because that would be a new perspective.Thank you.

 

TripLine, he didn't happily take the money, but he was in a tight spot, wanting to graduate on time.

 

Elswyth, I have pointed out these facts, but apparently he doesn't think you can compare the 2 because he has had to pay the majority for much longer than I did. I did happily help him out with money, AND with finding a career in his field. I reminded him of how I treated him when the situation was reversed, but he is worried this will be much more long term.

 

*To anyone who asked how he doesn't think I am contributing enough, when I do the housework and have a part-time job...this is because apparently only monetary value is really contributing to the quality of our lives.

 

I was raised to work hard for what I wanted, but that money was not the be all, end all. That you do the best you can with what you have and make the most of it, which is what makes you truly happy.

He was raised to work hard as well, but his family puts a much greater importance on money and what a person can financially contribute is apparently what determines their success. I do not agree with this, and I do not understand why my emotional support, and housework, cooking, etc as well as my part-time job is putting such a stress on our relationship.

 

When we have our arguements, by the end, I truly think we understand eachothers perspectives...but we are just not on the same page with how we move forward based on our beliefs. I don't want to feel like a burden to him, and he wouldn't want me to either, but it always comes back to money.

 

 

 

To be honest, if I payed for everything and my girl did all the housework, I would be okay with that (assuming you were smart with our money and didn't spend money on frivolous sh*t). The fact that you also work part time is even better

[Oxy Moronovich]

I'm gonna play Devil's advocate and take the dude's side. So you cook, clean, and do laundry, eh?

 

--Cooking: Most non-married couples eat out a lot, as in several times a week. He probably also doesn't eat your food when he takes his lunch break at work. And he probably cooks himself. All in all, I highly doubt you make 3 full course meals a day for him. More like one meal a day at most.

 

--Cleaning: Most non-married couples live in small studios or single bedroom apts. Plus, they don't have a lot of furniture. So it's not like you're slaving away in an 8-bedroom McMansion.

 

--Laundry: that only needs to be done once a week.

 

All in all, I think you're exaggerating how much you're contributing. Have you finished your degree? If not, I'd feel resentful for contributing three years for a woman who only works part-time too. Secondly, what is this "field" you're in that you can't get hired in? If you don't have a degree, I'm guessing it isn't something that pays alot.

 

Like I said, I think you're exaggerating you're contributions. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry in a small apt isn't a whole lot, especially when he pays for the food, quarters for laundry, and cleaning utensils.

[AshleyM86]

I'm gonna play Devil's advocate and take the dude's side. So you cook, clean, and do laundry, eh?

 

--Cooking: Most non-married couples eat out a lot, as in several times a week. He probably also doesn't eat your food when he takes his lunch break at work. And he probably cooks himself. All in all, I highly doubt you make 3 full course meals a day for him. More like one meal a day at most.

 

--Cleaning: Most non-married couples live in small studios or single bedroom apts. Plus, they don't have a lot of furniture. So it's not like you're slaving away in an 8-bedroom McMansion.

 

--Laundry: that only needs to be done once a week.

 

All in all, I think you're exaggerating how much you're contributing. Have you finished your degree? If not, I'd feel resentful for contributing three years for a woman who only works part-time too. Secondly, what is this "field" you're in that you can't get hired in? If you don't have a degree, I'm guessing it isn't something that pays alot.

 

Like I said, I think you're exaggerating you're contributions. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry in a small apt isn't a whole lot, especially when he pays for the food, quarters for laundry, and cleaning utensils.

 

I'm thankful that you are giving me a different perspective closer to his. It helps to look at situations from all angles.

 

As far as the household chores: I cook Dinner every night, and make enough to send with him to work the next day (and for me if I'm working that day). We only eat out at the most twice a month because we budget fairly well, and live mostly within our means. My Fiance doesn't cook. Ever. Not even if I'm not there to cook for him (if I'm at work) he will wait til I am home to have a late dinner.

For the cleaning and laundry you are absolutely correct. Small space to clean, and laundry once a week. I wouldn't claim that these kinds of things take up most of my days off work at all, however if I am working more than 4 days in the week it can get a bit tiring since I do it all.

 

 

So, if you still think I'm exaggerating, cool, but I've given the facts.

 

I graduated from a 3 year college program, and the field is difficult to get into, so my full-time job was a receptionist at a medical office (not related to my graduate program at all, but Reception is where most of my work experience is).

 

Hope this helps to understand the situation more clearly, although I really thought this was all besides the point. Thanks.

[OsiStruck]

Background: When my Fiance and I met( we were 23), I had a really good job, making good money, and he was in College with a part-time job. I helped him financially through school(nothing major, just close to $1000.00), and about a year after graduating he got a job in his chosen field, and until that time, I paid for the majority of things while we dated.

 

Present Time: We are now 26, and I am only working part-time on minimum wage( and have been for the past year and a half, though at one point with 2 PT jobs), and searching for a full time job again in the field I was in. My Fiance is growing resentful of the fact that he is having to pay for most things as we live together renting now. I am trying my hardest to find a good job, but times are tough where we live. It is the cause of many arguments now...even though I am the only one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc, I am told I am not contributing enough.

 

I understand his point of view, and how frusterating it is to have to pay majority, but it is really affecting our relationship to the point where we fight about this every other week at least.

 

Just hoping to get some thoughts on what I can do to make this situation better. I hope I included enough info in there without making it unbearable.

 

Thank you.

 

 

he's probably already gotten better offers on the table.... just looking for an excuse to be rid of you.

[OsiStruck]

How dare he.

 

 

In this day and age come on people.... earn your keep or get out of the race.

[Els]

Emme, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I also know that I need to be able to be independant, and it is a priority. I will approach the next discussion we have with your point of view and questions, because that would be a new perspective.Thank you.

 

TripLine, he didn't happily take the money, but he was in a tight spot, wanting to graduate on time.

 

Elswyth, I have pointed out these facts, but apparently he doesn't think you can compare the 2 because he has had to pay the majority for much longer than I did. I did happily help him out with money, AND with finding a career in his field. I reminded him of how I treated him when the situation was reversed, but he is worried this will be much more long term.

 

*To anyone who asked how he doesn't think I am contributing enough, when I do the housework and have a part-time job...this is because apparently only monetary value is really contributing to the quality of our lives.

 

I was raised to work hard for what I wanted, but that money was not the be all, end all. That you do the best you can with what you have and make the most of it, which is what makes you truly happy.

He was raised to work hard as well, but his family puts a much greater importance on money and what a person can financially contribute is apparently what determines their success. I do not agree with this, and I do not understand why my emotional support, and housework, cooking, etc as well as my part-time job is putting such a stress on our relationship.

 

When we have our arguements, by the end, I truly think we understand eachothers perspectives...but we are just not on the same page with how we move forward based on our beliefs. I don't want to feel like a burden to him, and he wouldn't want me to either, but it always comes back to money.

 

Well, I think the bolded is an incompatibility that you need to think about. I'm not saying you need to leave right away, but you need to work out ways to compromise and overcome that hurdle. FWIW, some men really do not care about their gf doing any housework, and would happily pitch in 50% themselves. Does he care about whether you cook at all, or is he happy getting takeout every day? Perhaps the reason he doesn't see the contributions as equivalent is because he does not find yours to be necessary to his happiness?

 

My suggestion to you, if you want to keep this R and compromise, would be to stop doing all the housework, and take a second PT job to fill up the financial gap. It seems that he would appreciate the latter more than the former, so you can do that, and the two of you can each just fend for yourself when it comes to housework, and eat out.

[Emme]

How dare he.

 

He has every right to make that request of her. My issue is will he be the type of man that won't support her when support is needed. Not all marriages especially now have both partners working. Will he be supportive of his wife given she's unable to sustain herself. That is what worries me for her. If you don't have my back in bad times then those vows won't mean anything to him. Lucky her... she knows it before she says "I do."

[jenwon]

It might depend on how "hard" you are trying to find a new job. My Ex and I were in the sam situation. My EX has been looking for a steady job for the past 2 years, couldnt find work in his field of study or a job that he liked. He refused to try for a job that would make ends meet on the hope of finding his dream job. At a certain point you just have to pay the bills and contribute and deal with life. Hopefully you're not in this situation, but you may want to look at that.

[FitChick]

Don't the marriage vows state "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"? I wouldn't marry this man. It's one thing if you had never had a good job and were a slacker, but you helped him out when you were doing better. I wouldn't marry someone who keeps score. I suppose he will breastfeed if you give birth. That's splitting things 50/50.

 

What happens when he loses his job and he can't keep up with the Joneses? The economy will get worse before it gets better.

Edited August 7, 2012 by FitChick

[veryhappy]

Do not marry this guy. His marriage proposal has zero value. He sees no value in housework, he'll see no value in raising kids.

 

He'll never have your back with anything. If you are ready to be married, but manage as if you were alone - if you get sick, if you raise kids, if you don't make enough money, go ahead and marry him.

 

How is his attitude affecting your job hunt?

Edited September 19, 2012 by cutedragon