Rughead Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I have been married to my wife for 10 years, we recently renewed our wedding vows. The past couple of years she has had some medical issues and we worked through those. Had some issues where I spent some money and didn't tell her. I work full time and she doesn't work, we have no kids. When we first met she seemed really attracted to me and we would spend a lot of time together (which all new couples do). Then as others have said on here your marriage becomes stale, boring. We have not been on a vacation in two years together. However she likes to go over her families house (6 hours away) often as of late. She has been gone 4 weeks out of the past 7 months, she goes where she says and I trust her but this leaves me alone. She will be coming back Sunday from a 2 week trip, one week was for a knee replacement her mom was having which is understandable. The second week she was at the beach with her family. I am not concerned that she is cheating, I am concerned that since we have been married for 10 years she thinks she doesn't have to try anymore. For a long time we have just been having sex and its just that sex. Minimal cuddling or foreplay and I like foreplay. She will say if you want some lets do it and I want to be close than that. I can have sex with anyone but I want to make love to my wife. Whenever she gets back from a trip we always have compassionate sex but after it dwindles. Also she stays downstairs a lot and I upstairs, at times I feel like we are friends with benefits. I don't know if she is depressed or what is going on. She is talking about how bad she misses me when she calls. I just wonder that when she gets back, I know she is going to want sex and she will know something is wrong if I don't want to. I am thinking not wanting to will make an impact on her. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 for what it's worth, I think it's nice that you feel that way about sex with your wife have you told her how you feel about it and why? Link to post Share on other sites
redtomato Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I was going to ask the same question. I've been with my partner for 10 yrs also and it is a struggle sometimes to even get in the mood. Do y'all argue alot? Do you not spend time together? Have either of you let yourself go? Does your wife know how you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rughead Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 No we don't argue alot, we have disagreements like all couples. We go to the movies and out to eat. Its been nearly two years since we have a vacation where it was just "us". I don't think either of us has let each other go. Maybe just we think that this is all its going to be work, pay bills and spent time watching tv and talking. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 sounds like you're "married singles" ~ married, but living a single lifestyle. Time to consider marriage enrichment (not necessarily counseling) to help you learn to communicate better. Could very well be that you're ships passing in the night when it comes to romance because you're both interested, just can't seem to connect regularly, you know? And that's one thing that benefits from a marriage enrichment program, because you focus solely on the two of you ... first thing we were asked at our Marriage Encounter weekend was "what first attracted you to your spouse?" And believe me, it came as a surprise because we'd only been married 7-8 years, but because of all the stuff that happened between the time we eloped and the retreat, we lost sight of it. We learned that despite our disagreements over stuff, the love was real, and that changed EVERYTHING, concerning how we communicated with each other. my guess is that her life is part-time family, part-time marriage, and while she's got it worked out in her head, it's not worked out for y'all as a couple. The fact that you are concerned and (hopefully) willing to suggest/make changes is a good one ~ it's never too late to learn how to better communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 I just wonder that when she gets back, I know she is going to want sex and she will know something is wrong if I don't want to. I am thinking not wanting to will make an impact on her. I don't know what to do. One of the problems spouses have when working on the sex issue is--everything is assumed to be a blatant attempt to get more sex, and falls flat. You seem to have an ideal opportunity here, because you have a situation where she will be expecting sex. When she gets home, tell her how much you missed her. And then tell her how much you miss her, present tense. Tell her how much you miss the closeness you once had, the time you used to spend together, and the lovemaking you shared. Take advantage of this moment to be open about your desires. You said twice that it's been 2 years since you've been on vacation together. Why not plan one, and surprise her with the plans when she gets back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 No we don't argue alot, we have disagreements like all couples. We go to the movies and out to eat. Its been nearly two years since we have a vacation where it was just "us". I don't think either of us has let each other go. Maybe just we think that this is all its going to be work, pay bills and spent time watching tv and talking. Get a babysitter and GO out on a date. You need to woo your wife and make her feel loved, special and sexy! You two need to bond as husband and wife again. Not as mom and dad in the house, hanging out and living life. Time to loosen up and have fun! She will say if you want some lets do it and I want to be close than that. I can have sex with anyone but I want to make love to my wife. Tell her this. Communicate how you feel and what your needs are, ask her what she feels and what her expectations are when it comes to sex. It's so easy to let kids, busy schedules, tv, life in general get in the way and things become too routine.. shake it up and change things around. Go out for family dinners to with the kids, dont' always sit at home and eat. They need a change of scenery as well. Plan family trips, next time she goes to her mom's, book time off of work and ALL of you go together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rughead Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 I plan on setting up a romantic dinner that I will be making myself. I need to do this more often, I usually do it when she comes from out of town. Things are great for a few weeks, then back to the same. Thanks for all the suggestions thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
lahdsd Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 i have marry 10 years but my wife behave with me like a unknown person i feel that the resion is one , i am spent few time with her so.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rughead Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 She doesn't work AND you have no kids? Why isn't she working? Maybe if she was getting out into the real world and actually being productive instead of visiting with her family every other week, she'd have more to talk to you about than her mother's knee replacements or her cousin's abusive boyfriend. Talk about stagnating, jeez. It sounds as though she has no problem going away for weeks at time and letting YOU finance it. It also sounds as though YOU'RE the only one trying to contribute to your marriage to keep it fresh. You kind of sound like her benefactor - like you exist solely to support her so she can make her constant family trips and sit home the rest of the time. WTF? You've mentioned SEVERAL times that you haven't been on vacation in a couple of years. Is this because you can't afford to go? It's obviously something that's bothering you or you wouldn't have brought it up several times. I agree with you. Sounds like she quit trying - in just about all facets of life - a long time ago. Well before in our marriage she worked full time to support us and help. Now she has medical problems and can't work due to medications. I know she wants to contribute and her family pays for the trips, except this time the flight back cost $200. She has been through a lot recently, medically speaking. She can walk and what not, she just has back problems. I feel like she cares she just doesn't show it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rughead Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 Well I finished up dinner a while ago and going to pick her up from the airport. I think she needs to make all the moves, but I am going to tell her how much I miss her. I need to explain this now or never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lahdsd Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Is this because you can't afford to go? It's obviously something that's bothering you or you wouldn't have brought it up several times. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 So it is a month later and no replies from you...what is the status now? Why are you confident that she is not cheating? Have you volunteered to go with her? Has she ever invited you to go with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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