Am I doing the right thing?

[nickk]

Hey,

 

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. We were having a long distance relationship. It took me 2 years to get her to go out with me. And those 2 years were very hard and painful. In the beginning I didn't know what to expect, but a few days in I realized that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have seen a transformation in her, she went from being a girl who went out partying and having one night stands to a person who avoided going out with her friends to spend time with me. I even spent Christmas with her family and it was amazing.

After spending 9 months together I had to move back to my country for a couple of years. I was broken but she told me everything was going to be fine and that we would make this relationship work. I knew it was going to be difficult but after seeing how much she loved me and how much I loved her I believed it could still work. I promised to visit her for Christmas and she said she would save money to come visit me and meet my family.

2 years ago if anyone ask me what I wanted to do with my life, I would have no answer, but when I started seeing her I started prioritizing things. I knew what I wanted to do in the future. We discussed about our future, about buying a house, getting married and the other usual stuff. When I got back to my country I started looking for jobs that would help me setting up a career there.

It all went well for the first 3 months, we chatted online whenever we could, we called each other up and sent emails. But then things started to change, I started noticing that she wasn't being herself when we spoke online. She was stressed with the job she had, so I assumed she was worried about that. I made sure I emailed her everyday and tried calling her even. I did this because I didn't want us to grow apart. I wanted to be there for her when she felt low.

Last week when I was speaking to her over the phone she said that she couldn't see us together in the future and she couldn't see us getting married. I was shocked and heart broken. I didn't see that coming. She said she still loves me a lot and I will always be very special to her.

We had a conversation again yesterday because I wanted to know why she started feeling the way she was and after what she told me I know that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I don't blame her for doing this because she is just being human. But I know I have gone through a lot of emotional pain and put in a lot of effort to get to go out with her and when it turned out to be so beautiful I don't want to give up on our relationship. I love her a lot and I know that I will never have the same feeling toward anyone else ever. Though it wasn't a bad break up I am still very hurt. There is nothing more I want than to spend the rest of my life with her. I know our relationship is worth everything.

I have decided to stay positive and not give up on something so exclusive. I really want to work very hard and get back to the UK as soon as possible.

Yesterday we decided that we still want to be friends and keep in touch with each other. She said she still loves me a lot.Mate,I want to know if I am wrong that I don't want to give up on us. Is there anything I can do to get her back. People say time is a healer, but there is no way in hell that I can get over her.

Please please please help me!! I really need your advice and suggestion. Looking forward to your reply.

[Scorpius]

Hey,

 

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. We were having a long distance relationship. It took me 2 years to get her to go out with me. And those 2 years were very hard and painful. In the beginning I didn't know what to expect, but a few days in I realized that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have seen a transformation in her, she went from being a girl who went out partying and having one night stands to a person who avoided going out with her friends to spend time with me. I even spent Christmas with her family and it was amazing.

After spending 9 months together I had to move back to my country for a couple of years. I was broken but she told me everything was going to be fine and that we would make this relationship work. I knew it was going to be difficult but after seeing how much she loved me and how much I loved her I believed it could still work. I promised to visit her for Christmas and she said she would save money to come visit me and meet my family.

2 years ago if anyone ask me what I wanted to do with my life, I would have no answer, but when I started seeing her I started prioritizing things. I knew what I wanted to do in the future. We discussed about our future, about buying a house, getting married and the other usual stuff. When I got back to my country I started looking for jobs that would help me setting up a career there.

It all went well for the first 3 months, we chatted online whenever we could, we called each other up and sent emails. But then things started to change, I started noticing that she wasn't being herself when we spoke online. She was stressed with the job she had, so I assumed she was worried about that. I made sure I emailed her everyday and tried calling her even. I did this because I didn't want us to grow apart. I wanted to be there for her when she felt low.

Last week when I was speaking to her over the phone she said that she couldn't see us together in the future and she couldn't see us getting married. I was shocked and heart broken. I didn't see that coming. She said she still loves me a lot and I will always be very special to her.

We had a conversation again yesterday because I wanted to know why she started feeling the way she was and after what she told me I know that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I don't blame her for doing this because she is just being human. But I know I have gone through a lot of emotional pain and put in a lot of effort to get to go out with her and when it turned out to be so beautiful I don't want to give up on our relationship. I love her a lot and I know that I will never have the same feeling toward anyone else ever. Though it wasn't a bad break up I am still very hurt. There is nothing more I want than to spend the rest of my life with her. I know our relationship is worth everything.

I have decided to stay positive and not give up on something so exclusive. I really want to work very hard and get back to the UK as soon as possible.

Yesterday we decided that we still want to be friends and keep in touch with each other. She said she still loves me a lot.Mate,I want to know if I am wrong that I don't want to give up on us. Is there anything I can do to get her back. People say time is a healer, but there is no way in hell that I can get over her.

Please please please help me!! I really need your advice and suggestion. Looking forward to your reply.

 

Hey nickk, coming from someone who was also in a long distance relationship, i can say that from experience i know where you're coming from. The only difference is my relationship lasted 3 years with a woman from ohio before it came to an abrupt end. The best thing you can do is keep in contact with her. Even though you two are friends, she still loves you and you still love her but the timing isn't right at the moment since she broke up with you because of how stressed out she was. Basically, she needs time to get herself together and figure what she wants to do and you need time to heal from a broken heart.

 

Trust me when i say the same thing happened to me. In the mean time, keep in touch with her until the time right for you two to be together. Now know this, since you two are not in a relationship anymore, there is a possibility that she may end up with someone else. I'm not saying she will, i'm just saying the possibility is there. If she does end up with someone else, the best thing you can do is still be there for her as a friend. Other than that, i wish you two the best of luck.

[nickk]

Hey Scorpius,

 

Thank you for that response. I will definitely keep in touch with her. I understand that after a break up she needs some space, but I don't really know how long I'll have to wait to contact her. I know she has done nothing wrong, she is just being human. She is confused and stressed, and I don't blame her for the way she feels.

I have decided to work towards the same goals I had set when I was with her. I will work very hard and stay focused on getting back to the UK as soon as possible.

I know that I have left a mark in her life by being the best boyfriend I could and she too has left a mark in mine by being the most amazing girlfriend. Like I mentioned in my previous post I had to wait for 2 years to get her to go out with me. When I got what I wanted I made sure I did my best to make her feel special and I did succeed in doing it. I don't really know what would happen tomorrow, but I am going to be optimistic and hope everything works out for us. I love that girl to bits.

My question to you now, is how long do I have to wait to get back in touch with her. I don't really want to give her too much of space that she forgets me.

 

Thanks again.

 

 

Nickk

[TaraMaiden]

nickk, first of all, how old are you guys?

Secondly, what part of the world are you from?

Thirdly - keeping in touch as friends, won't work - because she met someone else.

 

The signs are there - she just hasn't been honest with you.

 

I started noticing that she wasn't being herself when we spoke online. She was stressed with the job she had, so I assumed she was worried about that. .....

Last week when I was speaking to her over the phone she said that she couldn't see us together in the future and she couldn't see us getting married. .....She said she still loves me a lot and I will always be very special to her.

.... I know that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants.

 

Not being herself, means that she's no longer the girl you were going out with. That's because in her mind, she's not going out with you any more....

 

You 'assumed' it was because of her job. No, it's because she's started seeing someone else....

 

She can't see you together in the future, or getting married - that's because she's not with you, she's with someone else, so naturally, you don't figure any more....

 

She loves you a lot and will always be special to her.... biggest let-down line in history - it's designed to try to make you feel better, and convince you that you're part of her life still - but actually, it's said to make her feel better about ditching you. It alleviates her guilt for dumping you like that.

 

...Confused and doesn't know what she wants? Oh yes she does. And it's to be with him, and not with you - but she's trying to back out gently....

 

 

If it took so much effort to go out with her, and the build up was long and painful - the effort wasn't worth the result. It wasn't ever destined to last. love shouldn't take that long, and is stronger than this.

Edited July 29, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[nickk]

nickk, first of all, how old are you guys?

Secondly, what part of the world are you from?

Thirdly - keeping in touch as friends, won't work - because she met someone else.

 

The signs are there - she just hasn't been honest with you.

 

 

 

Not being herself, means that she's no longer the girl you were going out with. That's because in her mind, she's not going out with you any more....

 

You 'assumed' it was because of her job. No, it's because she's started seeing someone else....

 

She can't see you together in the future, or getting married - that's because she's not with you, she's with someone else, so naturally, you don't figure any more....

 

She loves you a lot and will always be special to her.... biggest let-down line in history - it's designed to try to make you feel better, and convince you that you're part of her life still - but actually, it's said to make her feel better about ditching you. It alleviates her guilt for dumping you like that.

 

...Confused and doesn't know what she wants? Oh yes she does. And it's to be with him, and not with you - but she's trying to back out gently....

 

 

If it took so much effort to go out with her, and the build up was long and painful - the effort wasn't worth the result. It wasn't ever destined to last. love shouldn't take that long, and is stronger than this.

 

 

 

Hey,

 

Thank you for the response.

I'm 25 and she's 23. And I'm from India.

I don't really know if what you mentioned is true, I so hope it's not.

But assuming that what she told me is true has kept me positive. I have never felt so focused in life before. I have been working extra hard to achieve the goals I had set myself.

One thing is true though, I love that girl a lot and there is no way that I can get her out of my head. If this had happened when I was a little younger I would have moved on in life, but at this stage I am looking for stability. I thought this was it, she was the one! And the weird thing is I still think she is the one.

I don't really know what to do next but I just can't get myself to give up on our relationship. Any suggestions?

 

Nickk

[nickk]

As I lie here on my bed, I can't help but think of all the good things I had with my ex. It was something so special, so perfect and I still can't believe that it's all over. She was the most amazing girlfriend ever.

I miss everything about us, the silly games we played, the stupid films we watched, the take outs we had, the way she made me wait outside the changing room when we went out shopping and ended up not purchasing anything, the cuddles watching the tele, the cups of tea we made for each other, the walks, the plans we made for the future. Why did it have to end? I love her a lot. I promised her that I would get back to her. She said everything was going to be fine, now she says she cannot see the both of us together in the future. I knew LDR was going to be difficult but I put in all I had to make it work.

Though I have decided to stay positive and work towards the goals I had set when we were together, my life feels empty. Every time I imagined my future I saw her with me. I'm hurting like crazy. I have no words to describe how much I miss her. She was my world, my everything. I try my best to put up a happy face at work but when I get back home I can't stop thinking about her.

I feel like I'm dying from the inside. I want her back. I don't really know what to do. Can someone please HELP me?

[TaraMaiden]

Open all your cupboards, drawers and wardrobes, and throw out any clothes you have not worn in a year. Put them in a big plastic bag.

 

Then any books you haven't picked up in a year, and put them in a box.

 

Then, go take everything to a charity shop.

And lastly, go buy yourself a cool new shirt.

 

Take your mind off her and clear clutter at the same time.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Nickk,

 

I'm not sure if I can help you in any way. But I don't agree with what Tara said and Scorpius did give you some good advice, but assuming anything is over and probably forever.

 

Now, starting from the point that she still loves you a lot and you love her a lot too... how to win her heart back?

 

1) Did you fall into a routine? Most girls don't like a routine. Try to surprise her and on to point #2

 

2) Go out of your way. You come across as a very sweet guy, but maybe she needs more/else. Can you go out of your way for her? Prove it

 

3) Reassurance. Being far away, girls tend to overthink anything. You need to be her safe harbor.

 

4) What if she starts seeing someone else. Well, even then, she might be confused as to who's best for her. Back to # 1, 2 and 3. Especially #2. She would soon realize who can make her feel like she's special.

 

5) Sex. So she might miss that. Even if she were not engaging in any sexual activity, she most certainly needs physical contact. Try to give it to her any way you can. Let her know how she makes you feel sexually (not romantically).

 

Then, let me know what happens.

[TaraMaiden]

They're in different countries.

How is the sex thing going to work....?

 

I'm not sure this can be made to work at all, in any way shape or form.

[justwhoiam]

They're in different countries.

How is the sex thing going to work....?

 

I'm not sure this can be made to work at all, in any way shape or form.

Tara, are you in a LDR?

[TaraMaiden]

Have been.

Big mistake.

 

distance is to love, what wind is to fire.

It inflames the great and extinguishes the small.

 

these guys differ in their views, it's going to be virtually impossible to get this one back on track....

[nickk]

Hi Nickk,

 

I'm not sure if I can help you in any way. But I don't agree with what Tara said and Scorpius did give you some good advice, but assuming anything is over and probably forever.

 

Now, starting from the point that she still loves you a lot and you love her a lot too... how to win her heart back?

 

1) Did you fall into a routine? Most girls don't like a routine. Try to surprise her and on to point #2

 

2) Go out of your way. You come across as a very sweet guy, but maybe she needs more/else. Can you go out of your way for her? Prove it

 

3) Reassurance. Being far away, girls tend to overthink anything. You need to be her safe harbor.

 

4) What if she starts seeing someone else. Well, even then, she might be confused as to who's best for her. Back to # 1, 2 and 3. Especially #2. She would soon realize who can make her feel like she's special.

 

5) Sex. So she might miss that. Even if she were not engaging in any sexual activity, she most certainly needs physical contact. Try to give it to her any way you can. Let her know how she makes you feel sexually (not romantically).

 

Then, let me know what happens.

 

Hey,

 

Thanks a million for the comment.

I think I did fall into a routine initially but that was probably because we were used to spending a lot of time with each other when I was in the UK.

I'm ready to do anything for her. I didn't leave because I wanted to, I did it because I had to. There is nothing more I want than to get back to her. I had even started working on applying for a visiting visa for December.

Every time she told me about how much her job sucked, I would always ask her to stay positive and told her that I believed in her and that she will go a long way career wise. I told her that I was always there for her and she could call me any time she felt low or when she was having a bad day.

I have tried my best to be a very good boyfriend and I'm very certain she would agree. I kept telling her how special she was to me and how she made me feel special.

And the sex thing. Yes, we did try something out for our anniversary and twice before when we video chatted on skype! I know it's not the same as being there with each other, but we did enjoy it.

The last time I spoke to her was almost 2 weeks ago and I told her it wasn't a bad break up and that she shouldn't feel bad that she's hurting me. And that though I wouldn't sabotage my career I wouldn't stop loving her and I will never give up on our relationship because I think it's too special to just walk away from it.

There are times when I miss her a lot and want to just pick up my phone and call her. I'm being strong and avoiding sending her an email or dropping her a text. I found out this week that she is moving back home to Birmingham and that she has taken up a Master's program. I'm very happy for her and am very proud of her. I really want to send her an email wishing her well for the course, but I don't really know how long I'll have to wait to do it. I don't want to do it right now and push her farther away. Any suggestions??

[justwhoiam]

So, it just seems you're applying the NC (no contact) rule right now. Maybe it's the right thing for you two. I know it wouldn't be good for me, even when (hear this) it was me asking for it. For as weird as it might seem to you. So why would I ever ask for that? That might happen for a number or reasons. Some examples?

I might think the relationship or the (his) feelings involved are not as strong as I would like or would have thought and I sort of see them dying in the near future, and I'm trying to spare myself the pain by breaking up before I get too involved. Getting the NC from the guy, I would just get a confirmation to my doubts.

 

Another frequent thought is: am I the right one for him? Maybe not. This doubt is quite consuming, so I start looking for signs. Did he like someone he met at work? Did he show appreciation for this or that woman? And so on.

 

There might be tons of reasons. Her meeting a new guy she's attracted to is just one of the reasons that might totter your relationship or her feelings.

 

In short, we are not sure she's having feelings for someone else. Or even that she's interested in someone else. We just know she loves you, she's confused and wanted to break up with you. And you were fine with it and didn't do anything. So in her mind, now, she's done the right thing. That's what I would think.

 

I can only speak for myself here. The NC thing would be a real dealbreaker for me. Forever. Therefore, try to play your cards right. Or else you will most likely lose her for good.

[HeavenOrHell]

You find other ways to be sexual with each other in between visits.

 

 

 

They're in different countries.

How is the sex thing going to work....?

 

I'm not sure this can be made to work at all, in any way shape or form.

[nickk]

So, it just seems you're applying the NC (no contact) rule right now. Maybe it's the right thing for you two. I know it wouldn't be good for me, even when (hear this) it was me asking for it. For as weird as it might seem to you. So why would I ever ask for that? That might happen for a number or reasons. Some examples?

I might think the relationship or the (his) feelings involved are not as strong as I would like or would have thought and I sort of see them dying in the near future, and I'm trying to spare myself the pain by breaking up before I get too involved. Getting the NC from the guy, I would just get a confirmation to my doubts.

 

Another frequent thought is: am I the right one for him? Maybe not. This doubt is quite consuming, so I start looking for signs. Did he like someone he met at work? Did he show appreciation for this or that woman? And so on.

 

There might be tons of reasons. Her meeting a new guy she's attracted to is just one of the reasons that might totter your relationship or her feelings.

 

In short, we are not sure she's having feelings for someone else. Or even that she's interested in someone else. We just know she loves you, she's confused and wanted to break up with you. And you were fine with it and didn't do anything. So in her mind, now, she's done the right thing. That's what I would think.

 

I can only speak for myself here. The NC thing would be a real dealbreaker for me. Forever. Therefore, try to play your cards right. Or else you will most likely lose her for good.

 

Hey JustWhoIAm,

 

I see where you're coming from.

The last time I spoke to her we agreed to keep in touch with each other. I will not be doing the NC thing for long, I definitely will contact her. The reason I'm not trying to contact her right away is because I want to give her some space. I have decided to send her an email in the next couple of weeks wishing her well for her course at the university and also updating her about things at my end (which would include how I'm doing at my new job and the new gadgets that I recently bought). I will not be mentioning anything about our relationship and/or about how it ended.

The first time she said she wasn't seeing us get anywhere in the future I didn't straight away agree for a breakup. I tried to convince her that we could still make it work if we put in a little more effort. But from past experiences I've learnt that she is quiet adamant until she realizes that the decisions she has taken is wrong, so I didn't want to plead or beg her to change her mind. I was afraid that me pleading her would just make things worse.

Do you think there is anything else I should or could add to the email I'm planning on sending her. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses to my posts. Thank you. Looking forward to your response.

 

Nickk

[justwhoiam]

Hi Nickk,

 

I don't know her as I don't know her personality. But... if you ask me, I say you're going the wrong way.

 

If you write her an email and completely skip any feeling related comment, only mentioning trivia such as your gadgets, what you did and what not... you'll come across as:

1) shallow guy

2) not caring a ... about her feelings or what she went through

3) someone who didn't have any real feeling for her and got over it in the blink of an eye

 

You should tackle feelings somewhere in your letter. Maybe somewhere in the middle of it. Like: Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, as I don't know if it makes you uncomfortable, but I miss you like crazy... If you think it's inappropriate, I will refrain from sharing such feelings with you, because I'd rather have you as a good friend forever than losing you for good...

 

Something like that. You can find your own words. But if you want her to believe you don't give a ..... about her, then fine. You are deliberately detaching yourself from her trying to follow a plan that should work on your mind. But this kind of detachment might be a final dealbreaker for her.

[nickk]

Hi Nickk,

 

I don't know her as I don't know her personality. But... if you ask me, I say you're going the wrong way.

 

If you write her an email and completely skip any feeling related comment, only mentioning trivia such as your gadgets, what you did and what not... you'll come across as:

1) shallow guy

2) not caring a ... about her feelings or what she went through

3) someone who didn't have any real feeling for her and got over it in the blink of an eye

 

You should tackle feelings somewhere in your letter. Maybe somewhere in the middle of it. Like: Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, as I don't know if it makes you uncomfortable, but I miss you like crazy... If you think it's inappropriate, I will refrain from sharing such feelings with you, because I'd rather have you as a good friend forever than losing you for good...

 

Something like that. You can find your own words. But if you want her to believe you don't give a ..... about her, then fine. You are deliberately detaching yourself from her trying to follow a plan that should work on your mind. But this kind of detachment might be a final dealbreaker for her.

 

Hey,

 

Thanks again.

Good point there! Again, the only reason i said i won't be mentioning that in my first email is because I don't want her to freak out. But that sentence you used in your post about missing her is awesome, hope you don't mind if I steal it!!

I hope you understand that this girl is very special to me and I love her a lot. And there is nothing more I want than to spend every second of my life with her. So every thing I say or think of doing, it's only with the intention of getting back with her. In fact that's one reason i'm emailing her, for her to know that I still care for her and still love her. I am definitely not trying to detach myself from her and the last thing I need is to loose her for good. That might just kill me!!

I will let her know how I feel. Thanks a million for your suggestion and comments. Please keep them coming. I really feel great when someone comes out of nowhere and tries helping me get my life back. Thanks again.

 

Nickk

[justwhoiam]

hope you don't mind if I steal it!!

Not at all, I'm trying to help

 

every thing I say or think of doing, it's only with the intention of getting back with her.

Yes, but only YOU know it!

[justwhoiam]

So, what happened? Any update?

[nickk]

So, what happened? Any update?

 

Haven't emailed her yet. Will be doing it over this weekend. Will definitely keep you updated

[nickk]

So, what happened? Any update?

 

Hey JustWhoIAm,

 

Hope you're well!

Just finished sending her the email. I have used those sentences from your previous post

I first congratulated her on getting back to Uni and then asked her about her course and when she starts. I then mentioned about things happening at my end. Then told her that I miss her. I asked her about her mum and dad. Then wished her luck for the university and told her she would be great. Finished off saying that I would be looking forward to her reply.

I don't think she would respond today coz she is at her best friends hen do. And I so hope she does when she gets back.

Do you think I mentioned too much or too little in the email? Do you think she would respond?? I really miss her.

looking forward to your reply. Thanks.

 

Nickk

[justwhoiam]

Do you think I mentioned too much or too little in the email?

If she loves you, it's never too much or the letter is never too long.

 

Do you think she would respond??

She will. The problem is: when. There's no way we can tell.

 

I really miss her.

Well, you waited quite a bit before writing...

 

looking forward to your reply.

So now you have mine at least!

 

Thanks.

You're welcome

[nickk]

She will. The problem is: when. There's no way we can tell.

 

Hey JustWhoIAm,

 

Hope you're well. Just wanted give you a little update. While sending the email through Outlook I requested a read receipt. Last evening I received a read receipt saying she has read the email. She hasn't replied though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping she responds real soon.

 

Nickk

[justwhoiam]

Hey JustWhoIAm,

 

Hope you're well. Just wanted give you a little update. While sending the email through Outlook I requested a read receipt. Last evening I received a read receipt saying she has read the email. She hasn't replied though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping she responds real soon.

 

Nickk

This is very important. 99.9%, if you get the read receipt, she clicked the 'yes, send the read receipt'. If it was the delivery receipt, that means that the email was delivered to her mailbox but not sure if she read it. Was it the read receipt? That'd mean she wants you to know she read it.

[nickk]

This is very important. 99.9%, if you get the read receipt, she clicked the 'yes, send the read receipt'. If it was the delivery receipt, that means that the email was delivered to her mailbox but not sure if she read it. Was it the read receipt? That'd mean she wants you to know she read it.

 

Hey,

 

Well, I haven't been totally honest with you. I use this website to track if my email has been opened. I generally use it to check if important mails have been read by clients. I used the same website to check if she read my email. I'm sorry, didn't want to come off looking like a creepy guy.

So yeah, I received an email on Sunday afternoon saying that my email has been opened. Now, i don't know if she read it. Why do you say it's important?

Sorry again.

 

Nickk

Edited August 14, 2012 by nickk