RedRobin Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 This, I've done things like this by accident and not realized - and ended up missing out because I didn't even know what I was doing and ended up frustrating the couple of girls that I was doing it to. Striking when the iron is steaming hot is a good idea. It's like turning up a knob on a stove. I know that my libido goes on like a switch - straight on! But when it comes to turning up the heat, you gotta do it slow, then stop, then slow, then stop......sometimes you stumble on these things. Keep that music metaphor I mentioned in mind... 1
nofool4u Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I'm just getting back into the dating scene after a lengthy marriage. A few days ago I had a very nice date with a guy I met online. We had drinks and appetizers. The conversation was effortless. As things were winding down, he politely invited me to his place. I was a little surprised by this invitation, and politely declined. He said he was disappointed, but understood. He has since contacted me for a second date. So, which category should I place him in? "Never date again" or "Can't blame a guy for trying." Besides this little glitch, I had a super time. Please help. I'm completely lost in dateland. Here is the thing, a true player jackass wouldn't have called you back after being turned down for an invitation back to his place. He would have expected something for his money and considerations that night. Since he still wants to see you, I'd say he likes you and didn't see whining and dining you as an investment for sex that night.
D87 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 If women can expect to be wined and dined on the first four dates, then men can expect sex within the first four dates. Both are inconsiderate expectations. Good point. As a man, there is a limit on how much resources you spend on a potential mate. There has to be some form of progress, on a first date I would at the very least expect a kiss and sex by 3rd or 4th date. If not, moving on to the next girl. No girl is worth waiting more than 3-4 dates to bed.
musemaj11 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I don't understand men who punish women for putting out too fast. I mean why not judge a woman by how well she treats you and how beautiful she is? If a woman has sex quickly with you that's because she's attracted to you and that's a positive sign to me. Why lose interest in her for liking you a lot? 3
Bob_Funk Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 If the guy wants sex, he can easily find it elsewhere. Problem is, I'm betting most of these guys just want sex from 'good' girls looking for LTR's or with a history of such... not the ones with the OkC profile listing "casual sex". As if the girls whose profiles list casual sex are giving it up to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who messages them. The only "easy" way to get sex for guys is to hand over a couple hundred.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Good point. As a man, there is a limit on how much resources you spend on a potential mate. There has to be some form of progress, on a first date I would at the very least expect a kiss and sex by 3rd or 4th date. If not, moving on to the next girl. No girl is worth waiting more than 3-4 dates to bed. I'm not openings my legs until you make me your girlfriend. Isuppose that's reasonable too. No girl can force you to winr and dine her. The only tume you spendcmoney to get a girlcto sleep with you is hiting a prostitute. I would nevrr think to think men buy us dinner to get sex.if that's the case then I'd be cheapening myself. Irather you just hand me the money than pay the check.
kaylan Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) OP, Ive gone back to a girls place and not had sex...and it was because I didnt want to. I mean we still made out and hooked up a bit, but I wasnt pushing for sex. I say judge the dude based on his connection with you. His invitation back doesnt automatically mean he wanted sex...however, even if he did, why denigrate him for being attracted to you? People here over-analyze sex. Both men and women want sex, and good sex at that. Sex is a natural desire and great casually or in a relationship. Im able to do both, and enjoy each situation for what it is greatly...however I wont bash people for their decisions like some snobs in this thread. Either you are on the same page with the guy or you arent. Figure out if you guys actually click. And if you dont, move on. You dont have to have sex if you dont want to. And if hes only looking for something casual, it doesnt make him a bad guy unless he lies about it and leads you on. Funny how some women (and a couple guys) in this thread want to vilify a human for possibly indulging a basic human instinct. Its not that serious. Ive had girls try and sex me in the past when I didnt want to. I turned them down and that was that. I didnt run and tell a buncha people about it and then make assumptions about that persons character. I simply saw it as them being sexually attracted to me and wanting to have some fun. Its possible it would be only casual, its possible it could of turned into more if we hung out some and liked each other. No biggie...no over-thinking needed. Edited July 28, 2012 by kaylan 1
Author Still Learning Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 OP, Ive gone back to a girls place and not had sex...and it was because I didnt want to. I mean we still made out and hooked up a bit, but I wasnt pushing for sex. I say judge the dude based on his connection with you. His invitation back doesnt automatically mean he wanted sex...however, even if he did, why denigrate him for being attracted to you? People here over-analyze sex. Both men and women want sex, and good sex at that. Sex is a natural desire and great casually or in a relationship. Im able to do both, and enjoy each situation for what it is greatly...however I wont bash people for their decisions like some snobs in this thread. Either you are on the same page with the guy or you arent. Figure out if you guys actually click. And if you dont, move on. You dont have to have sex if you dont want to. And if hes only looking for something casual, it doesnt make him a bad guy unless he lies about it and leads you on. Funny how some women (and a couple guys) in this thread want to vilify a human for possibly indulging a basic human instinct. Its not that serious. Ive had girls try and sex me in the past when I didnt want to. I turned them down and that was that. I didnt run and tell a buncha people about it and then make assumptions about that persons character. I simply saw it as them being sexually attracted to me and wanting to have some fun. Its possible it would be only casual, its possible it could of turned into more if we hung out some and liked each other. No biggie...no over-thinking needed. Kaylan, how much would it cost to bring you down here to be my personal dating coach? Your post nicely sums up the situation. "The dude", as you call him, is super nice, and most importantly, intelligent. There was never a lull in the conversation. We have a lot in common. By the time I got home, he had sent me an e-mail telling me what an "awesome" time he'd had. I'm going to take him up on his offer for a second date, and will tell him up front that I'm not going home with him until we know each other better. I think I'd regret not getting to know him better. Even if the romantic thing doesn't work out, he'll be good for the friend zone. Thanks to all who posted.
yongyong Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Don't listen to those women pretending they are at nun level.
RedRobin Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 (edited) I say judge the dude based on his connection with you. His invitation back doesnt automatically mean he wanted sex... Unless the OP is in her 20's or the guy is socially awkward, yes it does. however, even if he did, why denigrate him for being attracted to you? Having a man be 'attracted to you' and following up with a request for first date sex is NOT a compliment. It usually signifies the guy 'likes' you enough or feels safe enough with the woman that she won't go Fatal Attraction on him the next day... but usually means a) he does not respect her b) is attracted to her, but does not see her as relationship material c) has a habit of having lots of casual sex with strangers People here over-analyze sex. No we don't... Some of us are mature enough to read signals... we have enough experience to know where these things usually end up. Either you are on the same page with the guy or you arent. Figure out if you guys actually click. And if you dont, move on. You dont have to have sex if you dont want to. And if hes only looking for something casual, it doesnt make him a bad guy unless he lies about it and leads you on. By looking for 1st date sex, she has all the info she needs (IMHO). She's not 25 and I'm betting this guy isn't either... You youngsters and your constant bed hopping... :rolleyes: But, if she's open to a month or so of sex (use condoms PLEASE) and doesn't mind flaky stories, and doesn't get attached to the guy... go ahead. Funny how some women (and a couple guys) in this thread want to vilify a human for possibly indulging a basic human instinct. Its not that serious. Not everything can be covered by condoms and insurance. Your advice, Kaylan, is typical from a guy. Of course you don't worry about casual sex from women... Think about it... what's the worst that (likely) will happen to you? As a man? Now, turn it around... do you have sisters? would you recommend she go back to the home of a stranger she just met online? I didnt run and tell a buncha people about it and then make assumptions about that persons character. When (theoretically) mature men suggest sex with no prompting, it may or may not say something about their character. It says a TON about his intentions... If the OP is looking for something casual... and would be OK with herself after Mr. Suave does the pump-and-dump... then fine. I simply saw it as them being sexually attracted to me and wanting to have some fun. Because there are minimal consequences for men who engage in casual sex. Its possible it would be only casual, its possible it could of turned into more if we hung out some and liked each other. No biggie...no over-thinking needed. No... it is very likely it is only casual. Let's be realistic... and stop dealing with fantasies... K? OP... Look, I have no idea what you are looking for. I was in your shoes not that long ago... coming out of a long-term marriage myself... full of hope and optimism for a new life... tried OLD briefly. Ditched it for reasons too long to go into here. The other ladies who have done OLD for awhile... they know the score too. That however 'charming' these guys might appear, they really aren't interested in anything long term or meaningful. If you aren't either, then fine. My opinion still stands about this particular gentleman. If you are open to short term relationships, something casual, etc.. then fine. But please, please, do NOT get your hopes up over this 'dude'... AT ALL. Edited July 29, 2012 by RedRobin
Author Still Learning Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks for the words of wisdom, RR. He's 39 and I'm...not. I'm older. So, neither of us is naive or inexperienced. After two decades of marriage, the last thing I want is a serious relationship. Casual is fine, but I wasn't about to go home with a guy I'd just met two hours ago. RR, PLEASE give a little info on why you ditched OLD.
RedRobin Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 RR, PLEASE give a little info on why you ditched OLD. A number of reasons... Too many experiences like the one you describe... despite me saying I'm looking for a relationship. Nearly all of the men I met there were coming out of LTR's and so were playing the field a bit. Not what I was looking for. I'm bit of an outlier in alot of ways... Especially in the place I currently live. Not to mention, the demographic is very 'bi-polar'... I've never come across so many recovering substance abusers, guys with criminal records, mental cases... or just plain rage-aholics... in my entire life! These are guys I can easily avoid just by choosing certain activities that those guys don't tend to indulge in IRL. I don't believe in multi-dating, which (I learned) is pretty much assumed there. Not my thing. The overall style of OLD and pace of things just didn't suit me. AND, last but not least... after observing that the 'best' men around me who did try OLD ultimately chose women for LTR's and marriage among women they met IRL. As for me... despite my complaining here on LS sometimes... Since I stopped doing OLD, I'm having much more fun and getting alot more satisfaction out of meeting people IRL.
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