Still Learning Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I'm just getting back into the dating scene after a lengthy marriage. A few days ago I had a very nice date with a guy I met online. We had drinks and appetizers. The conversation was effortless. As things were winding down, he politely invited me to his place. I was a little surprised by this invitation, and politely declined. He said he was disappointed, but understood. He has since contacted me for a second date. So, which category should I place him in? "Never date again" or "Can't blame a guy for trying." Besides this little glitch, I had a super time. Please help. I'm completely lost in dateland.
Teal Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Welcome to the dating world. It's a pretty horrific place to try to navigate after a long-term relationship. Second category, make your stance on the subject clear, and cut him off if he makes a fuss unless he's one of the types to cut you off if he doesn't get his within three dates or whatever. 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Going back doesn't automatically mean sex in my world, so I wouldn't write him off. And if it did mean that, he had a little try, fair play to him. If he's pushy next time I'd be wary.
haribogumsnickers Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Did he specify what the both of you would be doing? Not each other. You did the right thing. Make him earn your respect back.
Chunky Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Tell him you want to take things one step at a time. Let him know you like him and really want to see where this goes but take it slow. I've just gotten out of a 25 year marriage and am newly single. I have an unofficial girlfriend that sends mixed messages. She told me the other day that she needs to take things slow too. I figure that it's good advice for you too. If this guy is really interested, he will wait till you are ready and if he's only after sex then hell just stop contact with you altogether. Stick to your guns! If its meant to be it'll be. If not then you'll meet someone else I'm sure.
Emilia Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 just see how he is on the second date, if he keeps pushing write him off
Disenchantedly Yours Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 This is a pretty normal issue in today's dating scene. Men looking for easy sex. And yes, I do blame guys for trying this stuff. I don't want to be his "sex police" that has to be the one that regulates his self control. I want a guy that makes those choices for himself. I don't think he sounds like dating material. It sounds like he just wants to hook up. If his mind was at the place for "relationship", he would have took the time to invite you out, not just to his place. It's actually really lazy and selfish if you ask me. I actually find it offensive when guys have automaticaly invited me to their place too soon and stopped seeing them because of it. I don't regret that. When they do that, it tells me that they are not at the same place I am at regarding relationships and I don't want to the one that has to be his "self control" enforcer. I want a guy that makes those choices on his own and takes the time to get to know me. I say don't go out with him again. 2
Eclypse Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Can't blame a guy for trying, although I'd keep a watchful eye on him. He could be just looking for sex. Of course, if a guy really likes you then it doesn't matter when you have sex. If I had sex with my girlfriend on our first date I'd have still continued to ask her out. 1
darkmoon Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 why go on a date and then expect to not be asked for sex? 3
RedRobin Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 This is a pretty normal issue in today's dating scene. Men looking for easy sex. And yes, I do blame guys for trying this stuff. I don't want to be his "sex police" that has to be the one that regulates his self control. I want a guy that makes those choices for himself. I don't think he sounds like dating material. It sounds like he just wants to hook up. If his mind was at the place for "relationship", he would have took the time to invite you out, not just to his place. It's actually really lazy and selfish if you ask me. I actually find it offensive when guys have automaticaly invited me to their place too soon and stopped seeing them because of it. I don't regret that. When they do that, it tells me that they are not at the same place I am at regarding relationships and I don't want to the one that has to be his "self control" enforcer. I want a guy that makes those choices on his own and takes the time to get to know me. I say don't go out with him again. I agree with this... ... and reiterate that I DO blame guys for this. Tacky behavior is tacky behavior. No mature adult suggests coming over to their place without it being some suggestion of sex happening or possibility of it happening. It's retarded and disingenuous to believe otherwise. I also second the opinion that I'm not interested in being a man's sex police either. ...but, I do have one question for the OP... since you are coming out of a long-term marriage... it is common for some men to automatically assume "BINGO! LOOKING FOR CASUAL SEX!! If you have something in your profile that says things like "just looking to meet people and see where it goes..." or anything implying less than serious dating intentions... alot of guys are naturally going to assume or hope that means NSA sex too. Just so you know that. If you aren't looking for that, then you need to make that more clear on your profile, and certainly before you agree to meet. That way, the guy really has no wiggle room and really is being a douche for suggesting it so soon... 2
xxoo Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 If you had a nice time, I'd see him again. Just don't even consider sex with him until you know him much better, and you have had a chance to talk about your sexual "styles" (attitudes toward casual sex included). If he stops seeing you for not having sex early on, so be it. You don't need to be his "sex police", but you also don't need to have sex with him. 1
daphne Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I'd throw this one back, unless you're ok with casual sex. I used to think there was no harm in a guy trying. However, any guy who tried something on the first couple of days ended up showing his true colors pretty soon anyway so I'd use it as a Nexting criteria. Every normal guy is going to try but it's the wanna be players who'll see how far they can get on the first or second date. 4
Disenchantedly Yours Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 (edited) I agree with this... ... and reiterate that I DO blame guys for this. Tacky behavior is tacky behavior. No mature adult suggests coming over to their place without it being some suggestion of sex happening or possibility of it happening. It's retarded and disingenuous to believe otherwise. I also second the opinion that I'm not interested in being a man's sex police either. Yeah, I don't really get the old fashioned "lets not hold men accountable for their sexual choices/can't blame a guy" attitude. I really hate the "guys will be guys" attitude. Err, yeah you can blame a guy that is making choices you don't agree. Men are not just horndogs that have no responsibility to their own sexual choices. "Boys will be boys" worked fine in the 1950s. We don't live in that worls anymore. I expect more from men then that. And to add something else, OP, you got to believe what a guy is telling you. Either verbally communicated or otherwise. Usually actiosn speak louder then words with guys anyway. Don't get into it with him "hoping" your wonderfulness will change him into wanting something more from you. This doesn't work in 99% of the cases. Him inviting you over off the bat tells you where his head is at. Believe him. And if you want something more then that, move on to another man that displays that himself. Edited July 27, 2012 by Disenchantedly Yours 5
maybealone Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I also second the opinion that I'm not interested in being a man's sex police either. I third that opinion. Even taking sex out of the equation for a moment, I am a little leery of any guy that would not be concerned about safety. If we've met online and spent a few hours together on a date, we're basically strangers. Would he not be concerned about his sister's safety if she was the one being invited to a stranger's house? Personally, I prefer men with some self control. Trying to sleep with me on a first or second date is the easiest way to make me feel like I am nothing special to you. That's not to say I wouldn't go out with him again, OP. It would depend on other factors too. But if I did, I would have my guard up even more than I normally would for longer than I normally would with someone like that. 2
Silly_Girl Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I don't see anything that requires someone to be blamed. There's nothing wrong with someone wanting casual sex and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have casual sex. Why does someone have to be blamed? Nobody has done any wrong in this situation. I agree. I have 'tried it on' on a first date. If someone wants a bunk-up on their first date (man or woman) it's up to them to: a) ask b) potentially be judged on their actions which could result in losing a second date 3
xxoo Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 That sort of talk without ever been intimate is tacky. Takes the mystery away. I meant style as in monogamy, multidating, relationship history, etc...not positions and stuff
Disenchantedly Yours Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I don't see anything that requires someone to be blamed. There's nothing wrong with someone wanting casual sex and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have casual sex. Why does someone have to be blamed? Nobody has done any wrong in this situation. It's just been in my experience that even when you've made it clear you want something more then causual sex, men will still try to have casual sex with you. There is a lot of disingenuous behavior from guys on this end. And then you as a woman still get blamed or told "well it's your fault" if you end up in a spot where he got what he wanted but you didn't. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 You know what? It's just sex. Who gives a sh*t. If you don't want to, then don't. It doesn't need to be over-analyzed to death on every single thread. I think a bunch of you here would do well to have a big stiff one every now and then. Just sayin'. 2
O'Malley Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Even taking sex out of the equation for a moment, I am a little leery of any guy that would not be concerned about safety. If we've met online and spent a few hours together on a date, we're basically strangers. Don't get into it with him "hoping" your wonderfulness will change him into wanting something more from you. I agree with both of these. If you do go out with him again, take note if he's pushy or attempts to steer the setting of the date towards either of your homes. The guys who do this play their hand too obviously, they strike out from time to time but they've discovered that persistence generally pays off.
mickleb Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I don't think the OP should do anything she doesn't want to either, but I do think it's worth getting wise to how dating is 'nowadays'. *checks ticker* I was being told a story the other day about a friend of a friend who couldn't understand why she'd not heard back after her first date with a guy. When asked if anything physical had happened on the night, she admitted they'd done anal. The guy telling me this was in stitches; I was mildly amused but not too surprised. Each to their own, eh?!
Drseussgrrl Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Some guys want sex early on. Some don't. If you don't like it then don't see him again. And yes sex can be purely physical. It can be fun. It can also mean a lot more and can be an expression of love. Just because I can have casual sex does not mean that I can't make love, also. 1
runningfar Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I know nothing about dating post highschool, but I wouldn't fault him unless he was pushy on the next date. However, I'm very disturbed about post that guys will try to have sex, and if the girl wants sex too/agrees, disappear. Double standard!! If you want casual sex, guy or girl, communicate that, don't assume it. Be an adult. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 To all of us over 12 who were born with testes it does. Speak for yourself!
Disenchantedly Yours Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Some guys want sex early on. Some don't. If you don't like it then don't see him again. And yes sex can be purely physical. It can be fun. It can also mean a lot more and can be an expression of love. Just because I can have casual sex does not mean that I can't make love, also. I don't think anyone is saying you can't have casual sex and make love, that sex can't be purely physical. However, if a woman's goal is to find a guy for relationship material and he is looking to hop right in the sac, this is most likely not a great fit.
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