DeesEyes Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone! I'm new here, just signed up a few minutes ago.....Here's my dilemma....I did some snooping and found some paperwork indicating that my fiance had a major drug problem and also tried to commit suicide 8 years ago..... We talk about everything but this particular thing has not come up. I do know that he used drugs (cocaine) for recreation but did not know is was more than that - and the suicide attempt just blew my mind when I read that... My question - what the heck do I do with this new found information? Confront him??? Please let me know what I should do now!!! Edited July 26, 2012 by DeesEyes added a sentence
FitChick Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 If he was clean for less than five years, I'd worry but it sounds like he'd just rather forget that part of his life. I suggest you do as well. He is probably afraid you'd call off the marriage. I bet he'll tell you once you've tied the knot so don't let him know that you know or he'll feel worse.
Author DeesEyes Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 thanks for your reply.....you made me realize a few things....I will try not to harp on it and hope that one day he will open up to me and tell me that part of his life. I love him with all my heart and really want to spend the rest of my life with him.... sometimes when we snoop....we find things that we don't want to know....I just needed advice as to what to do... thanks again.. :-)
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 If he wanted you to know about his past he would have told you. This isn't about him not trusting you, it's about his personal life and he doesn't have to open up to you or anybody else about it if he chooses not to. He is over it and has moved on..It's probably a part of his life he wants to forget about and not relive the painful memories or remember bad/negative feelings. Please respect his privacy in the future..No more snooping.
Radu Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 While i can see the other poster's pov [depression of quite a few yrs is in my history], and certainly sympathise, it doesn't sit right with me that he didn't tell you. This was not your friend, your co-worker, your employee, this is your potential life partner we are talking. It just doesn't sit right with me. 1
Forever Silent Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Hi everyone! I'm new here, just signed up a few minutes ago.....Here's my dilemma....I did some snooping and found some paperwork indicating that my fiance had a major drug problem and also tried to commit suicide 8 years ago..... We talk about everything but this particular thing has not come up. I do know that he used drugs (cocaine) for recreation but did not know is was more than that - and the suicide attempt just blew my mind when I read that... My question - what the heck do I do with this new found information? Confront him??? Please let me know what I should do now!!! I would only confront him if recent activity has been somewhat questionable. Such as erratic behavior, trouble with money, mood swings. However snooping is not a good quality in any partner. Please respect his privacy. As the poster above said, he probably wants to forget about that part of his life.
Author DeesEyes Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Thanks for your reply - it was appreciated and you said many things that made sense. The current issue is that he had hip replacement surgery (both hips done 1 year apart) and he insists that he only takes 30mg of oxycodone when the pain is bad either from over exertion or due to the weather. He also says he has anxiety and needs to take maybe a half of a xanax bar a day to relieve stress. The problem is that I have started keeping a diary of his meds and have noticed that the oxycodone is taken DAILY and the xanax is also taken DAILY and not just a half but a whole bar and sometimes 1 1/2 bars.... This bothers me because I feel he's addicted.....when I notice that he's talking different and slurring a bit I question him and he says he just took a half of a tab and that I need to remember that he's under a doctor's care for his meds... Why would someone still need oxycodone five years after hip surgery??? Why would he tell me he only takes it when necessary and now I have proof that it's taken daily??? I really hate keeping these tabs on him, but he wants to marry me and quite frankly I don't know if I want to be with him taking these meds for the rest of his and my life... Can it be that people need pain meds daily for a past surgery?? Considering his past - the drugs he was using, the drug treatment he was in and the attempted suicide attempt - don't I have the right to be concerned??? Please help me out with this....
Emilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Does he have any other tendencies that make you think he has an addictive personality? The ones I know can't do anything by half. They get obsessed with things.
beenburned Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I agree with Radu, this could be a huge red flag for a future spouse!
Art_Critic Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 He IS addicted to the drugs you mentioned... Of course he is under a Dr's care.. that is how someone who is addicted gets them. If his hips still hurt 5 years after the surgery then he should see the Dr for that.. because his hips shouldn't hurt. The Xanax... he is addicted to it as well... I haven't got any no brainer advice here but feel you should throughly consider this relationship if he won't admit to his addiction. As far as his past.. while relevant today since you are watching him go down the addiction route his not bringing it up shouldn't be a red flag but the fact that he is off the wagon as it were is what should be a concern to you.
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