Feel like our marriage is jeopordized.

[Silly_Girl]

I would find it EXTREMELY difficult or impossible to be with a young, physically capable man who does not work. It was a factor in my ex-bf and I splitting, when he couldn't find work in his specialist field I knew his time would degenerate in to hobby time and little else.

 

I am happy to cover 100% of the household outgoings but I would expect any partner, or indeed my son, to have a full schedule of part-time, temp or even voluntary work. I have worked full-time, sometimes 2 jobs, since before turning 16. I chose a profession I could qualify in through nightschool/distance learning. Every job (initially factory work and supermarket checkout) brought me experience that aided me to move up, and I became a company director of a medium-sized firm at 30. No luck involved. I said Yes to every bit of work going and pretty much still do. When looking for a first placement I sent a CV out to 30 firms, unsolicited, and offered to work 2 weeks for free, which was a big gamble when my son was wee and we were broke.

 

It's more than money, it's purpose and self-respect and health and happiness. Plenty of charities where I live would cry out for some help and I'd be there like a shot if I found myself jobless, getting the CV filled up is so important... I feel frustrated both for and BY the husband in this thread.

[Emme]

It's not necessarily the relatives directly, but I am rather upset that my husband wasn't firm with them about making other plans on a day I specifically asked off of work to visit them. His grandmother was giving him the runaround like they made plans already and we should do something over the weekend. Um, no, maybe I have plans those days, which is why I asked for tomorrow off. I told my husband I am tired of asking him to be firm with his relatives about inviting us or not having enough respect for us to make plans on days I asked off in advance UNPAID!

 

 

You are 23 but let me give you the some insight. When you have to deal with family members less, it's a beautiful thing. Especially the ones that are mean spirited. I don't see a issue really. The problem with marriages is that people are quick to argue rather than to find a resolve. Maybe your husband knows it's a waste to invest time in arguing with them or in your eyes its standing up for you. That's what its really was bout. They didn't respect that you took a day to cater to them, so what. Deal with it. "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." What you were suppose to do even if it was done intentionally is be grateful you didn't have to deal with them. You and your husband should have enjoyed that day off together. But instead you let a relative make you angry on your day off. You used a happy day to be sad, tisk tisk. Don't ever do that again. Know your battles in life and know that you can't win them all. It is a waste of your precious time. In the future only take days off for your family and for your husband. You don't cater to anyone else.

 

 

MuslceCarFan, I think I saw you post you were leaving. I think you shouldn't but if you feel you are being targeted it's not the intention. Many posters here seem to care. You might feel like you're in an abyss and I just want you to know many people would love to have a wife like yours. Always remember in life there are people worse off than you are so don't complain. Many people that have a PhD can't find employment and are suffering. Stay positive and be grateful you have a wife that even cares to find a solution. Some of my friends just packed up and left their relationships. When it's good, it's good..... but when bad, its bad.

[Radu]

True, but the rent would still be at least 1000+ (if divided into half of 2000) or actually the roommate may only want to pay 1/3 of the total rent. They may feel we need to split things up into thirds (if a single person rents). This is actually what my brother is doing with his fiancee and her sister in a 2 bedroom. So say that brings the rent down to $666 per person if the total rent is $2000. So really, we're paying about the same to rent out a room to someone as we'd be paying to rent a one bedroom like we're doing now.

 

There's also the issue of being tied to a lease with a person who may decide to flake out. Basically if one of you breaks the lease, you all have to move.

 

Then rent with a friend in the 2nd room.

Or rent a studio apartment.

Or rent a room in a house/apartment.

 

Hell, some ppl here even after finishing college rent a bed in a college dorm, in a room of 2-4ppl because it's soooo much cheaper.

 

You are constantly looking at what you lose in terms of space.

I am suggesting [and alexandria and xxoo] you look at what you gain in terms of financial stability and possibility of saving for a rainy day.

 

Both of you are college students, in most parts of the world, for 2 college students to rent such a big place would be ... quite rarely seen.

 

Maybe you are thinking that you 'need' the space.

I will bet you anything that you don't, because i have seen how some ppl here live.

20square yards, with a small bathroom, and a hotplate can be enough for a young couple, who has no stuff or kids.

Tbh, i think it's better for them than the big place.

You know why ?

Because you run into eachother so much that you are forced to face whatever problems are in your relationship ... or have the relationship die.

It also helps you to buy less stuff, because you have nowhere to put it.

 

Maybe you are thinking you need the 2nd room for quiet studying ... how expensive can good earplugs be ?

Edited July 28, 2012 by Radu

[SarahRose]

When was the last time you had a job of any kind? When you took the year off, what did you do since you weren't working or going to school?

 

Weren't there any internships available while going to school? What about your network? College is supposed to be about building your network for jobs too? Does your school have job placement fairs?

 

it just seems to me you are using every excuse not to work. Why is it you wife has work and doesn't have the degree but you aren't working?

[pink_sugar]

Then rent with a friend in the 2nd room.

Or rent a studio apartment.

Or rent a room in a house/apartment.

 

Hell, some ppl here even after finishing college rent a bed in a college dorm, in a room of 2-4ppl because it's soooo much cheaper.

 

You are constantly looking at what you lose in terms of space.

I am suggesting [and alexandria and xxoo] you look at what you gain in terms of financial stability and possibility of saving for a rainy day.

 

Both of you are college students, in most parts of the world, for 2 college students to rent such a big place would be ... quite rarely seen.

 

Maybe you are thinking that you 'need' the space.

I will bet you anything that you don't, because i have seen how some ppl here live.

20square yards, with a small bathroom, and a hotplate can be enough for a young couple, who has no stuff or kids.

Tbh, i think it's better for them than the big place.

You know why ?

Because you run into eachother so much that you are forced to face whatever problems are in your relationship ... or have the relationship die.

It also helps you to buy less stuff, because you have nowhere to put it.

 

Maybe you are thinking you need the 2nd room for quiet studying ... how expensive can good earplugs be ?

 

I don't have a two bedroom and we've been on our own for 5 years. The reason I say no to a studio, is because it's really not much cheaper at all. A one bedroom apartment is already quite small for two people and two cats. If we just started off, that's another story entirely. There's still the issue of a roommate only wanting to pay the 1/3 of the rent, so there really wouldn't be much savings to that either as our portion is equivalent to a one bedroom. Renting a room is a possibility, however a lot of homeowners sometimes do not want to rent a room to a couple for some obvious reasons.

[pink_sugar]

When was the last time you had a job of any kind? When you took the year off, what did you do since you weren't working or going to school?

 

November of last year. The job was hiring a few months before a seasonal business decline and let recent hire employees go, even after promising permanent work at hire. And he has been going to school consistently, never took time off school. Only time he took time off school was when he was working full time for a few years.

[pink_sugar]

So he has found a job that is part time, minimum wage, but I am still concerned that if he cannot find something full time and/or better pay, there is no way we will be able to keep living on our own with our combined wages now. If he could make just as much as me, (no degree and first professional job) it wouldn't be as much of an issue. But I'm getting very close to the end. How long will I have to wait until he finds a permanent, somewhat respectable job he can make a living off of? Another 5 years? 10? I told him he needs to keep looking hard for something in the meantime, because minimum wage will not cut it in this area. And moving away isn't an option if it means me leaving my job. It's amazing what you need to make to afford a one bedroom apartment here. But I'm getting to the point where focusing on my own expenses and renting a room from someone is looking much better than having to worry about all of this crap. It just seems like there is no end to this BS.

[pink_sugar]

I know he's looking for one full time job or at least a set 30+ hours per week. As retail part time goes up and down. Could be 15 hours one week...25 the other. Another issue with retail is the one job may not like it if you look for another part time job, because a lot of these places basically want you to be able to work when they tell you to. Another part time job means they have to set specific hours for you to accomodate the other job schedule. I actually had a job where they specifically said they would not work with you if you had a second job, despite only being part time. They wanted you to put them first...no other jobs if it interferes with your work schedule there. It was ridiculous.

[xxoo]

If he is ready to commit the effort now, you need to give him a chance to be successful. There are no shortcuts, and it takes time to move up.

 

But if he isn't showing some significant change in his attitude and approach, things are unlikely to improve.

 

You are young, Pink Sugar, and have the benefit of time. In your shoes, I'd give him a year to make something happen, and at least support himself. If he can't do that within a year, there is a serious problem.

[alexandria35]

Awww pink, I know it's rough going right now but it will get better. It can be really really tough starting out. I remember how hopeles it all seemed sometimes when I was young. Seemed like I was constantly taking two steps forward and then getting knocked three steps backwards. Spinning my wheels and getting no where. I hear you on the rental prices too. In some cities as soon as there is a little boost in the economy or a fall in vacancy rates landlords will jack up their rents to the point of being ridiculous and they get away with it. So some poor guy gets a little raise on his check and feels happy about it until he comes home and finds out his rent is going up by 4 hundred dollars a month. Makes it hard to keep the faith and keep hoping for something better.

 

I'm glad your husband took a job but now he has to keep looking. You keep mentioning retail jobs but are there any other types of job possibilities? What about labour type jobs. Sometimes construction sites will hire unskiiled help to be gopher types. These jobs usually pay better than minimum wage. Same with call centers, janitorial and some hotels. What about truck driving? With a class one license, clean driving record and the ability to pass a drug test there are some lucrative jobs. Pizza and food delivery is not an ideal job but there are tips and it's usually at night so that would free up his days. Store retail jobs are definitely the worst of the bunch. I only worked in one store when I was young and then I quickly abandoned that path. From there I went into a house cleaning job which paid a couple of dollars better than the store, then janitorial, then I worked for the Marriot hotel for a few years and they were great with pay and benefits. The better hotels are a great option but getting a job with them is kind of up to the luck of timing. You have to keep applying and be open to taking any position with them. Could be housekeeping, kitchen helper, valet parking, whatever. I have also worked in call centers and they usually pay a half decent wage with benefits and many of them also offer bonuses for sales. Also they usually promote from within so most of the higher ups started on the phones.

 

Does your husband have a decent professional resume and is he good on interviews? There are many websites that offer free advice on resume writing and how to conduct oneself in different types of interviews? Be patient, don't give up and stay open minded to whats available.