Feel like our marriage is jeopordized.

July 26, 2012

Because of finances and family issues. My husband has only had off and on jobs the last 5 years for maybe combined of 1 and a half out of 5 years. And after several years spent in college, feels forced to take a minimum wage job. I told him he needs to gain experience in the field he wants to work in before he graduates college, so he'll have employment options. Even if it's volunteering his time instead of compensation, because a minimum wage job at a retail joint won't be beneficial in the long run. It's just a slap in the face that at pushing 30 years old, he has minimal professional Job experience and cannot find any job that pays a living. I told him he needs to step it up and that we cannot live like this forever. We can never do anything fun because we never have any money and it's gone on like this for several years. There is also the fact that his family is putting considerable strain on our marriage. He's never spoken up to them until he met me and it's usually because I've told him to. He turns a blind eye to the fact they play favorites with his brother or run all over him. I feel bad for him because it feels like his family has out-casted him and I feel I am to blame because he used to see family and friends more often before we got together. His brother and wife are visiting and we were invited to none of the family affairs and the brother and his wife have made plans on days they know I've taken unpaid time off of work. They've been visiting the grandparents for 7 days, will be spending 10 days with them and we can hardly see them due to not being invited or the grandmother having constraints on when they have to be back home at night and having them be there for dinner, but kick us out. When the grandmother made plans for them on a day we were making plans, his brother just tells him that. I think it's seriously rude and inconsiderate. Either they invite us also, or plan it for another day. I'm definitely not taking any other time off whenever they come out to visit again. The thing is I have to TELL my husband to bring these issues up to his relatives, it doesn't seem like he's capable of handling it on his own. There's also the fact that I have to remind him to take care of errands or chores whenever I am at work and he is home all day. I love him a lot, but I'm really getting to the ultimatum point where I feel nothing is progressing.

I am getting to the point where I am severely depressed, because it seems like we have the worst luck the last few years. I've tried so hard to have his relatives like me, but they favor the brother and his wife. Coming from an abusive background and childhood, I get sensitive easily to not being included or treated fairly. I'm frankly tired of being out-casted whenever his brother and wife come to town like they are some sort of golden couple.

Edited July 26, 2012 by pink_sugar

July 26, 2012

Why are money problems his responsibility?

From the sound of the post, the OP is working full time and contributing but the husband is not.

July 26, 2012

Yes, I have been the only one working consistently in the past 5 years. I've been working at least 3 1/2 of those years, while looking for work the rest of that time. Several jobs too. There shouldn't be any reason preventing my H from doing the same. He even has an AA degree and I do not. I know he is looking and applying, but it really shouldn't take this long to find an acceptable long-term job.

July 26, 2012

Yes, I have been the only one working consistently in the past 5 years. I've been working at least 3 1/2 of those years, while looking for work the rest of that time. Several jobs too. There shouldn't be any reason preventing my H from doing the same. He even has an AA degree and I do not. I know he is looking and applying, but it really shouldn't take this long to find an acceptable long-term job.

It's hard to find something when employers want experience and you don't have it. How is one supposed to gain experience without getting the job first? It's a catch-22 and that's why it is hard for me to find something decent rather than settle for a crappy job.

July 26, 2012

Ummm... honestly, guys, I feel weird even commenting when you are posting your relationship issues on a thread in which BOTH of you are posting. If you're going to talk to each other about this issue, why not do so IRL instead of via here?!? Is there any reason preventing you from doing so?

July 26, 2012

Dude:

Assuming you are pink sugar's husband--buddy you are supposed to be the man in the relationship.

My attitude may strike you as old school but that means you strap your balls on and do what needs to be done (nothing illegal obviously) to put food on the table, pay the rent, etc.

You're 30 years old not some 17 year old punk (or even 25) so stop acting like a punk.

Yes the job market sucks we all know that.

You do what you have to do. If it means working 100 hours a week to earn enough money until you can line up something better, than you do that.

Magically things may start happening positively for you if you take the initiative and put your nose to the grindstone.

If you're taking classes that doesn't excuse you from having a full time job and earning as much as you can.

If you are a muscle car fan than surely you have skills such as being able to fix cars? A good mechanic or auto body man can make very good money if they are willing to work hard at it.

Right now you are basically lacking in motivation and in a word, a lazy sack.

You have a depressed whiny complaining dissatisfied wife, which I'm sure is not helping things, but the best way to shut her up is to start acting like an adult male who recognizes his responsibilities to his family.

As far as all this nonsense between the families, it's your obligation to stick up for your wife to your family and not to allow them to disrespect her in any way. On the other hand it's your wife's job to play the role of the good wifey when she's around them too. You need to be a diplomat yet be able to put your foot down hard when needed. This might be difficult if you are reliant on family for financial support of some kind due to not having employment. Yet another reason to get your financial act together.

If you don't have kids yet, no doubt your wife is thinking of nesting and her biological clock is ticking. So that's another discussion you have to have with her and plan for it. She's pissed because she doesn't have the option of quitting work and being a full time mom. You need to do your best to try to give her that option.

To the wife: You need to be positively encouraging and motivating without nagging your man too much. Lots and lots of sex including plenty of bjs is very motivating to the average man. Follow up with pizza or steak, and beer. Positive not negative motivation.

-----

There, I've said it. I've revealed myself as a complete "caveman."

(As if you couldn't guess already.)

Lazy? No. Frustrated with lack of opportunities? Absolutely! I have sent out a bazillion resumes looking for entry level work. It just so happens that most entry level positions require experience. How does one get experience if never given the chance? I can't find anything that pays decently until I get my bachelor's degree next summer. More opportunities come knocking when being more educated whether it is a bachelor's degree or otherwise.

Edit: I like muscle cars, but no handy man skills, lol. I am more interested in getting into the Human Resource field...

July 26, 2012

Because he's the one with testicles.

She's the one with a uterus and ovaries.

She's 30 years old. If she's like the vast majority of young women her age, she wants to quit work and start popping out babies.

Um hi, I'm 23...not 30. Where did I say I was 30? And more importantly, why assume I want to be a stay-at-home mom? I don't. I just want 50/50 financial contribution.

July 26, 2012

Sir, I am not your wife, you mommy, your daddy, or one of your buddies.

I have no stake in this other than to provide my objective viewpoint, for what if anything you think it is worth.

You are a thirty year old MAN who has not learned how to support himself or even contribute 50/50 to his family. Whatever the reason for that--it's up to you to fix it, if you want to.

You have listed a series of excuses for failure.

Do you seriously want me to be like everyone else in your life (except your wife) telling you it's OK to be a failure?

Sorry, I'm not going to do that.

Stop being an ass. I am not making excuses. This goes for many college grads and soon-to-be college grads becauses there are simply not as many opportunities now as there was pre-recession.

July 27, 2012

PinkSugar and MuslceCarFan you guys have to sit down and come to an agreement. It is to be made in what's best for your survival given this economical crisis. Not what you want, but what you need to survive.

PinkSugar please do not focus so much on external family issues. At this point you need to focus on making your marriage work and not about what is occurring with other family members. That's the least of your concern. You have issues with your husbands lack of participation in the marriage. What are you doing to combat his behavior. Cut back on expenses that are not a necessity. If that means ending some luxuries do it. If the internet and phone are the basic things you can afford right now, do it. Stop wasting money you do not have. It's time to read a book or if he needs to play videos games whatever. No more expenses that you don't need.

MuscleCarFan, you are 30, you're starting out late. Sorry to say it but companies do discriminate. You need to assess what are your chances of finding employment even if you have a Bachelors degree. It's worth today what a Associates is worth, nothing. Your ideal job will not just come to you. You do have to put in the work but in the mean time what are you doing. You are putting the stress of survival on your 23 year old wife's shoulder alone. It's not acceptable because you can do better. Even if you get a part time job to offset some of the pressure, do it. You being home all day and not helping to alleviate some of her stress is insulting. This is a marriage, she is not your mother. It's time for you to take whatever steps to find employment and from your post resumes mean nothing to me. You are working on your Bachelors, did you seek help from a career counselor at your University. Have you been to job agencies or spoken with headhunters. If you want this career you have to put in the foot work not just resumes and sit and wait. Often times the reality is that people don't end up with a career that mirrors their degree. Make sure you understand that happens often. Right now you need to survive because this crisis is ending no time soon.

Draw up a plan about what you are going to do to change the situation you are in. Make sure you set a time line. Do it together. Respect each other and don't take advantage of one another.

July 27, 2012

It's not necessarily the relatives directly, but I am rather upset that my husband wasn't firm with them about making other plans on a day I specifically asked off of work to visit them. His grandmother was giving him the runaround like they made plans already and we should do something over the weekend. Um, no, maybe I have plans those days, which is why I asked for tomorrow off. I told my husband I am tired of asking him to be firm with his relatives about inviting us or not having enough respect for us to make plans on days I asked off in advance UNPAID!

July 27, 2012

Lazy? No. Frustrated with lack of opportunities? Absolutely! I have sent out a bazillion resumes looking for entry level work. It just so happens that most entry level positions require experience. How does one get experience if never given the chance? I can't find anything that pays decently until I get my bachelor's degree next summer. More opportunities come knocking when being more educated whether it is a bachelor's degree or otherwise.

Edit: I like muscle cars, but no handy man skills, lol. I am more interested in getting into the Human Resource field...

A supermarket would be a great place to start. You take a job, any job, and do it better than anyone else. Then you move up to assistant manager of a dept, and then manager, and up and up. You'd even get lots of Human Resources experience to add to your resume upon graduation.

You get experience by taking a crap job, working harder than anyone else, and saying "yes" whenever they ask you to do extra work.

Other places to work your way up: Starbucks, McDonalds, Home Depot, basically any large retail chain. If you'd gotten a job at any of those places 5 years back, and worked your butt off being the best employee, you'd be a manager by now.

Edited July 27, 2012 by xxoo

July 27, 2012

not sure where you live, but have you considered becoming a reservist? ( land, sea or air command)? If you have a degree, they may likely take you on or officer training, Here you'd either be part time or on full time short term contract. The pay isn't bad and if you don't have much "real life experience in your chosen field, you'll certainly get it, as well as extra training.

July 27, 2012

You get experience by taking a crap job, working harder than anyone else, and saying "yes" whenever they ask you to do extra work.

Other places to work your way up: Starbucks, McDonalds, Home Depot, basically any large retail chain. If you'd gotten a job at any of those places 5 years back, and worked your butt off being the best employee, you'd be a manager by now.

Glad I read the thread. I was about to post this ^^^^^

July 27, 2012

A supermarket would be a great place to start. You take a job, any job, and do it better than anyone else. Then you move up to assistant manager of a dept, and then manager, and up and up. You'd even get lots of Human Resources experience to add to your resume upon graduation.

You get experience by taking a crap job, working harder than anyone else, and saying "yes" whenever they ask you to do extra work.

Other places to work your way up: Starbucks, McDonalds, Home Depot, basically any large retail chain. If you'd gotten a job at any of those places 5 years back, and worked your butt off being the best employee, you'd be a manager by now.

Would like to think it's that simple, but my brother has a bachelors degree and even he couldn't even get hired at Starbucks, let alone promoted etc. He thought of the same thing, moving up to corporate after being a employee. People cannot even get those types of jobs these days. And a lot of time, they will be wondering why someone who has a 4 year degree is applying to a minimum wage job, because they know the person will leave the moment the overqualified individual gets a better opportunity. Because who knows even if you work your butt off, it could take years to make any decent income. I worked at Starbucks first hand and the store manager was working two jobs, because she wasn't getting paid enough. I honestly have never looked back after the job I've gotten now. They want to pay you barely more than minimum wage and slave you around. I went to work at a clothing store for a few cents less and it was definitely worth not having to remember a bazillion drinks, codes, running around, burning yourself, not getting enough hours and etc.

And human resource experience requires ADMIN experience. Office, clerical, receptionist, office assistant. Then you can become an HR assistant after the latter experience and move from there. They don't want necessarily want store management experience to get into HR.

Edited July 27, 2012 by pink_sugar

July 27, 2012

A supermarket would be a great place to start. You take a job, any job, and do it better than anyone else. Then you move up to assistant manager of a dept, and then manager, and up and up. You'd even get lots of Human Resources experience to add to your resume upon graduation.

You get experience by taking a crap job, working harder than anyone else, and saying "yes" whenever they ask you to do extra work.

Other places to work your way up: Starbucks, McDonalds, Home Depot, basically any large retail chain. If you'd gotten a job at any of those places 5 years back, and worked your butt off being the best employee, you'd be a manager by now.

To be honest, retail jobs do not offer much in terms of learning real world skills. I have worked in a grocery store before and I hated it. I need administrative experience. To further oneself and make actual decent money and not jack***** at some crap retail job, you need a bachelor's degree or ever better, a master's degree. It can take YEARS to make $20 an hour in retail job, when you can make that starting off in an office environment with a bachelor's degree. It makes a world of difference. I want to do something with my life and not settle for a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle.

July 27, 2012

You don't want to live paycheck to paycheck--that is why you are getting a degree.

But you won't get a $20/hr office job straight after finishing your degree without experience. That's why you get a job--any job--in the meantime, and work your butt off. It doesn't matter if it is retail or office at this point. What matters is that you have something impressive on your resume, showing that you are a hard worker, and accumulating skills and experience along the way.

July 27, 2012

Forgive me if I haven't read your past posts, but what have you done with the 3.5 unemployed years between your AA degree and now?

July 27, 2012

Forgive me if I haven't read your past posts, but what have you done with the 3.5 unemployed years between your AA degree and now?

Not as much as I should. Mostly being a college student.

July 27, 2012

Not as much as I should. Mostly being a college student.

What do you think you should have been doing?

July 27, 2012

Do you not feel that perhaps now is the time to make up for lost time, then?

July 27, 2012

Well $20 an hour is nothing where we live. The average rent is $1600-$1900 a month, which means you need to make at least 60k a year to even afford an apartment. So yes, once I get my degree, I do expect at least 35k-40k a year minimum.

July 27, 2012

What do you think you should have been doing?

Doing a lot more and I am trying to make up for lost time, but it's frustrating trying to make a career change (for the better) with little experience and no college degree (yet).

July 27, 2012

Guys, my H and I started out just like you. We got married young, and worked on our degrees after marriage.

I remember many years when we were thrilled to have half a day together on Sunday, because one or both of us was working or had class the rest of the week. We worked our butts off, often for little more than minimum wage: retail, front office, service...you name it, we did it.

And then, when we graduated, yes, we got hired for the 20+/hr jobs. But that didn't happen just by getting a degree. There are lots of graduates out there, and you need to have something on your resume to stand out. Our pt jobs along the way not only helped pay the bills, but also gave us lots of experience and skills to put on our resumes.

July 27, 2012

Doing a lot more and I am trying to make up for lost time, but it's frustrating trying to make a career change (for the better) with little experience and no college degree (yet).

Hmm, okay. What improvements do you feel you have made from that time, then? You feel you should have 'done a lot more' - what exactly did you feel you should have done, and can you start doing any of that now?

Also, I hope this isn't too nosy, but why has it been 5 years since you started your degree but you're still working on it? Do you find you get in over your head with academia, or were there some circumstances that required you to stop studying for some time?

July 27, 2012

Hmm, okay. What improvements do you feel you have made from that time, then? You feel you should have 'done a lot more' - what exactly did you feel you should have done, and can you start doing any of that now?

Also, I hope this isn't too nosy, but why has it been 5 years since you started your degree but you're still working on it? Do you find you get in over your head with academia, or were there some circumstances that required you to stop studying for some time?

I graduated with an average GPA from our community college and I expect to graduate with a 3.5 GPA from the university we are attending now. I did initially take a break from school a year or so after taking classes at a local community college simply because I was unsure of what I wanted to do.

As for what I could have done more? I dunno. I wish I had gotten my degree sooner and not conveniently when the economy isn't doing so well. I am just trying my best to break into a different field (anything administrative basically) which has been hard.

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