Ani9000 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 So my ex and I were dating for two years and we moved in together two months ago. Then 16 days ago he broke up with me. He said he wasn't happy and that he would move out and continue to pay rent. He also said that he would get his stuff early in the week.. That was two weeks ago. I was weak when we he told me he wanted to break up and asked for another chance but when he said no I went NC. I haven't seen him in 18 days and I haven't talked to him in 16 days. His stuff is still at our apartment and his family is still contacting me to hang out. I don't know what to do because I keep thinking that I am getting better with NC but I miss him and it hurts to see all his stuff here everyday. I really don't want to initiate contact because I feel I am not ready to talk to him yet. What should I do?
Floored Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 For starters, I'm sorry this happened to you. That really sucks. It's going to be hard to do, but you need to pack all his stuff up into boxes, and put that all by the door. His refusal to deal with his things may be from not wanting to see you but most likely, it's so he has a back-up plan to fall back on. It's just stringing you along, giving you false hope that he might be returning. Next, if his name is not explicitly on the lease, and if this is a two bedroom+ living situation, I would begin advertising on craigslist and sending probes into your circle of friends to see if anyone needs a place. No, this is not fun either, but as much as you want him to come back, if he's not bound by contract to make payments, you WILL be left with the bill sooner or later- and you don't want him showing up five months into your healing thinking that he's entitled to live at a place he's paying for. Moving all that stuff will put some strain not only on your heart but now a bit on your body, and it's not fair that he leaves and you literally clean up after him. So after all that stuff is packed up, I would find out if there are any good massage parlors nearby, then book an hour long appointment. This is a treat to yourself, but on a more physiological level, it will provide a nurturing touch that will satisfy the human need for physical contact, and it will provide some much needed relaxation. Perhaps he just got a little freaked out about making that next step in his commitment to you. Two months is still pretty early in a move-in relationship, so he might just be falling back a bit to see if this is what he really wants. This is not meant to give you any hope, that's some other sub-forum's job: your past relationship is gone, any further talk to get back together will be based on a new set of life goals and commitments. For now, you need to do what will set yourself up for success in the immediate future. Get his crap together and out of your sight, healing can't begin if the wound is still festering. Treat yourself too much to some fun things, indulge in some favorite foods; I myself have decimated entire schools of fish with my sushi habit this last week. This isn't completely sound financial or healthy advice, so don't go overboard- you don't want to completely eat your heart out and lose your health, and you can't blow all your credit on a binge of shopping sprees- but you do need some mental and physical distractions to get your mind off him even if it's for an twenty minutes to start, because that oasis in the day from him is what your mind will use to grow into to become a new you. EDIT: oh, and keep strong with the NC. When you're having a particularly bad day, call your girls up and get out of the house, or better yet, bring them into your place and start making some new memories without him.
Author Ani9000 Posted July 26, 2012 Author Posted July 26, 2012 The problem is that he is on the lease and how will I remain NC if I have to ask him for rent every month? And what if he doesn't move out?
Floored Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 (edited) Well dangit, I posted a response from work and it must have been filtered out.. sorry it's taken me so long to notice. It was probably too long anyway, so I'll just address your specific concerns. As far as rent is concerned, you can get a friend to do some collections; maybe it's a mutual friend, maybe it's one of your friends, maybe you're on a good enough relationship with one of his friends. If he plays hardball, there is nothing more terrifying than a Father protecting his daughter- get your dad into the mix if he's around to do so. Even a phone call would probably be enough to shake him up for a few months. If your father's not around, you could always go to the landlord, as he is legally bound to fulfill his rent agreement. Depending on your relationship with your landlord, it might be a good idea to clue them in on your situation and the possibility of a future sub-lease, and tell them that you are looking at potential candidates, as well as their ability to pay (stable income, stable job, etc). Embarrassing? Maybe, but if they've been in the business for any time at all, they've dealt with worse, and the fact that you are trying to be responsible about getting out of your lease will help. They might allow to sub-lease out without your boyfriend's consent. If he refuses to leave, ie take himself off the lease, you have options. He has no further business of being there, period; he has stated he is moving out and that you two are done. Assuming he intends to have an uninvited open-door policy to your life, you can claim harassment and file for a restraining order against him. Drastic? Yes, but his claim to a space he has no right to (yours) is exactly why these things exist. A legal restriction from the property you are occupying will make things easier; he can flip out and lay claim to the residence, and while you could fight and win that case thanks to your domestic habitation and the precedence of your restraining order, it would be much more win-win to get off the lease with a grievance claim which would be legally allowable. If he concedes, he can be removed from the lease per a legal clause that allows for that most break-lease terms have. It is imperative that you plan your actions out. You will need to read through your lease to determine what break-lease conditions are specifically allowed, and you will need to be in discussion with your landlord. You should line up either another job if you intend to stay, a sub-leaser and couch to crash on if you intend to leave, or just the couch to crash on if you expect him to wig out and come claim his space. Hopefully he'll just want as little drama and legal marks against him as possible, and he might just be fine with either taking his name off the lease (if you can/want to foot the bill) or agree to sublease it out. And you can still go through friends to determine his mindset, though you might be cornered and forced to break NC if he decides to claim his territory. EDIT: It needs to be clear that you can not have him paying his share of the rent and also not have him allowed on the property he's paying for. If he's paying, he gets a key; if he has a key, he has to pay. Edited July 27, 2012 by Floored
AlexanderJames Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 My ex was on my lease too. Was difficult when mail came to the house with both of our names addressed on it. Made me angry. But in the end I bit the bullet and got her to come sign some papers to remove her name. I'll repeat what I suggested on your other thread and that is get all his stuff in boxes or garbage bags and put it somewhere you won't see it at all. If it isn't in sight you won't be reminded of its representation. And leave it there until HE contacts you about picking it up. In which case tell him what day and what time it will be placed out the front of your place and make sure you aren't around to see him when he gets it. Being weak and spending every day thinking about the what if's does much more harm than good. Youve found your direction ( movin on and cutting him out of your life) now stop straying off of course and stick at it. It's challenging yourself and coming out on top that will make you grow as a person. So be strong.
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