Break up 9 months engaged to an immigrant

[lolabunny22]

So, here's my story, I met my ex 9 months ago let me tell you my age (19) Yes, i'm young and I know I have so much ahead of me, I understand that all so I don't need to be told that a hundred more times. My ex Will and I met at a very funny time, I had just gotten out of one of the worst emotionally and mentally abusive relationships I have ever been in and I was a very damaged, depressed, and lonely person. My ex approached me and kept talking to me trying to get my attention and soon enough I found my heart opening to him, I told him all of my past I told him everything that had happened with the guy before him because I didn't want him to be told in some other way and he told me he accepted it all and liked me regardless, time passed by and I wasn't the most stable person I was very bipolar needy and emotional about everything I always wanted him around and he did it for me. I never forced him to stay home or not be with his friends they just kind of abandoned him, the worst I ever did to my ex was talk to the guy before him because of a poor judgement call and I wasn't over him but I didn't secretly keep it from him I told him. I shouldn't of done that and I regretted it but we moved on from it I got counseling and I was doing fine. 3 months into our relationship he tells me he isn't a legal citizen of the USA, I chose to accept this because I cared for him but his parents began pressuring us to either break up or get married so about the fifth month we were set to be married but there were bumps he had to get his passport renewed and apply for his countries military, there were other problems his mother was insane she was allowing the man SHE got married to beat her on a regular basis and blame my ex for it saying it was his fault the man hit her. This woman hated me every other week and never cared to hear me out.This put my ex into emotional turmoil which made him lash out on me and us to split up. But sure enough we got back together, things were going fine his mother was still with the man and they had gotten an apartment together a car together a bank account together and then crap hit the fan, she was going to finally leave him and wanted my ex to come back home. Soon enough my ex started bringing up the bad part about the start of our relationship the day after our nine months he just got up and started packing. The day before I had taken a pregnancy test and it came back a clear positive so the next day as he started to leave I freaked out and began to hit his arms and shove him I had no right but I never made any face shots I yelled how they had all just left him and abandoned him basically just to me. I tore open bags and threw his stuff all around and he just walked out, he left. I cried for days and told him I was sorry I didnt mean to I just got so upset. After, I told him about the pregnancy test and he denied the baby told me I was lying to keep him there, he came back to my house to pick his stuff up we had sex and then after he still denied the pregnancy, a day after I went to his mothers with a test and took it for the both of them to see. Positive. He cried and cried how he wanted to go back to Brazil and I attempted to stay at the apartment with him so he could be there I had once miscarried a baby and I was afraid it would happen again. I cried all night on his couch and his mother at 3 am wanted me to leave and my ex never told me this. I slept until morning and tried to talk to my ex about the Pro's and cons of going back to Brazil but he just told me he wanted to go and he'd think about it. After we went outside I asked if he wanted me and he just looked at me and said: No I don't want you. Then got up went inside and put my shoes outside. I went home and cried my eyes out two days later I lost the baby, I told my ex and he said he was sad but he proceeded to go out with his dad have a nice dinner see a movie while I sat home crying over my loss. After the loss I started bringing over all my exes stuff because I felt awful it was all still in my house and he wanted it back so badly. I carried a drum set up three flights of stairs and i'm a pretty small girl. So, after I brought the last of his stuff he came downstairs and looked at me checked on me and hugged me. I asked if he would kiss me, he said he couldn't I asked if it was because it would change his mind and he told me I was right. After that day I only had a few things left in my house of his, that night my electric went out for 2 days I attempted to ask my ex for a favor of using his shower and sleeping on his couch he ignored me and left me outside to charge my phone no he didn't have to give me shelter but at least he could of answered me instead of ignoring. I had work and barely slept any so I went to his apartment and dropped his drum seat at the door, knocked and no one answered I walked downstairs and texted him telling him it was outside. I kept trying to talk to him saying that if he wanted me gone to just tell me to go, the previous days he was talking to me fine he just disappeared, I asked for closure begged for him to tell me to give up because just the day before he told me he 'was thinking' about everything in his life. So, he just never responded then finally he calls me and says they moved from the apartment and to go get the stuff I left there and to keep it. He then proceeded to tell me he would talk to me later and hung up. I went to work went home and slept as my electricity came back. The next day rolled around and he never called never texted never said anything. So I call and call text and text asking whats going on whats happening: No response. I beg him for some sort of closure for days voice mails desperate for an answer and no answer. My ex had completely ignored me at this point for no reason. At long last I got a hold of his sister and asked him if he left the country for Brazil. She told me he would be leaving the next day without a word to me..I begegd her to tell him to please tell me goodbye and give me the closure and he just told her 'No no no' his mother also told him not to speak to me. All I wanted was a goodbye I wasn't going to cry and beg for him I just wanted to closure to make myself feel better. I told him he didnt even have to call to say it he could text it and he told her no. After, I also told him if you want me gone indirectly to just remove me from facebook skype tumblr everything and he told him sister 'No that's stupid i'm not doing that.' I don't know how to take the fact he didn't want to do anything..His sister just kept saying sorry and that this was just his own choice. My ex then the next day(yesterday) I assume proceeded to leave the country. No word to me no nothing. His phone turned off disconnected, there's a part of me that wants to believe he didn't just go but I do believe he actually did. He gave me no closure no word no anything after all I had gone through personally with the loss of two babies I expected at least some decency. Later that day I attempted to ask his sister if he had boarded his flight fine and safe and she proceeded to give me no answer. I don't know what to do, most will tell me to move on and I do understand that but it's so hard and theres a part of me that still holds onto hope the fact he didn't remove me says he wants to talk to me later. But as of yet I have gotten nothing, I feel betrayed, hurt, upset, strong at time, and weak at others..Should I still have hope? Please help..

[lolabunny22]

Anyone got some input??

[Lisa_Lisa]

All I can really say is to be strong. In time it will get better. If he's gone, wait for him to contact you. Let him wonder about you. If you give too much right now, he will pull away. Keep yourself busy. Focus on making yourself healthy. Try not to contact his sister. Try it for a week. Take it one step at a time.

[lolabunny22]

I'm afraid..he won't even try to contact me, I don't know what I did to deserve this..I don't even know if he's actually in Brazil because no one will tell me anything..I asked a family member in Brazil but the translation to English doesn't give me a clear answer..

[Lisa_Lisa]

First thing I think you should do is not ask around for him because it'll give him power and control over you. If he is in Brazil, he's in Brazil. If he's not, he's not. Let's say, hypothetically speaking, he's in Brazil. Don't ask for him, don't look for him, don't give any indication that you're wondering about him. Once you stop doing that, he will wonder why you're not asking for him. He knows how he left was effed up. I feel like in time - if you stop all contact with him and his sister and anyone else who knows him - he will ask himself what you're up to, what are you doing, and wondering where you are. I know it hurts right now, but take it one step at a time. And don't say to yourself 'what did I do to deserve this'? Don't think of it as punishment. It's happening and there's nothing you can do to reverse time. But give yourself time to heal. Don't contact him or anyone he knows.

[lolabunny22]

Yeah..Ha supposedly he hasn't even gone yet so his sister had lied to me i'm not going to ask anyone anymore if he's there or here there's a reason no one is answering me..They don't want me looking for him. Thank you i'm trying not to blame myself but i'm finding it hard because this was never the person he was.

[lolabunny22]

Update: He at long last just blocked me off face book didn't give me any kind of response to any messages I was sending read them but ignored them. Then blocked me. So, i'm dealing now I cried to a friend for hours and got my strength to put my foot down and say none of anything he has done makes any sense. No excuse for him it's just running away instead of dealing with things with me. He's trying to be a jerk to make me hate him more then likely so i'll let him be, it hurts my heart because I don't get how some one just flips a switch in their mind and just shrugs some one off like that.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I don't get how they can just flip the switch either. My ex unfriended me off of Facebook and I can't find him in the search either. What I think is that maybe your ex (and mine) thought of breaking up long before they even did it. Long before you knew there were even problems in the relationship. My ex told me I had to change - first of all you have to accept someone as they are - so me changing for him was not going to happen, but I would have had far less outbursts if it meant potentially losing him. Once they make the decision to put you out of their life there's not much you can do to make them come back. The only thing you can do is keep yourself busy - so you don't think too much - but I know it's hard. Believe me I could go to the moon and still think about my ex. I know you want yours back and I want mine back, but only time will tell if it ever happens. But we have to be think that it won't. We have to be realistic. In the meantime, you and I should worry about ourselves and making ourselves happy.

[lolabunny22]

You're right, his family says in time that it will tell if it meant something once he does some growing up it may be revisited. I can't force him to love me I shouldn't have to force him it should just be there I can't do anything anymore and i'm accepting that at this point.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I know it's going to be tough. All break up's are. It's okay to grieve what the relationship was and what it meant to you. I'm in the grieving process still. I haven't spoken to my ex in 1 month. Sure I could call him or email him, but at this point, I want him to miss me, to think about me, about what I might be doing and if I'm okay. If I just chase him down he'll always push me away. They say No Contact doesn't work if you're just using it to get your ex back. It's supposed to be for you to heal. For that reason, focus on you. I've recently joined a gym. I know it'll help me feel better and help through my break up. Find things you can care about again.

[lolabunny22]

I was doing so good...he had blocked me on face book I was removing pictures changing my name on face book then I don't even know why I cared but I saw his sister deleted me finally and I just got so angry, I texted her basically blowing up at her about how her family was awful to me and I wished them all the worst that they all used me and I lost my baby because of all the stress and that I wanted to call the cops for him putting his hands on me throwing me on the bed when I was pregnant squeezing my arms so hard he could of broken them.

 

I'm not even grieving the relationship at this point I dont even know what i'm grieving and it's not going away and I just keep getting angry and crying i'm sleeping all day barely eating anything or drinking i'm just sulking and hurting.

I've never felt so used in my life.I've never felt so left like I was nothing..And I don't even know how to feel..I have to be at work by 9 am and I slept all day so I have no idea how I will even sleep tonight.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Take it one step at a time. I know how angry we can get when people reject us or ignore us and we blow up and yell hoping maybe we can get through to them so they'll know how much they hurt us. But in these cases, all you'll get is silence. Tell yourself everyday, "I'll be ok." It takes time for wounds to heal especially when you feel you've been disrespected, but the only one who can care about you right now is you.