Relationship advice needed , very frustrated!

[Short and Sweet]

Hi

 

I need other peoples opinions about a guy I like please.

 

We were at uni together on a very difficult course and hooked up quite soon after meeting. I was seeing someone at the time but after meeting this man I wasn't interested in the person I had been with and split up with him before me and the new bloke even spoke about liking each other. After initially everything being fine with the new bloke he very soon started making excuses as to why he couldn't spend the night with me then started cancelling dates altogether, finally saying he felt terrible about cancelling the whole time but was struggling with the course workload and didn't feel he was being fair to me and needed to concentrate solely on the course.

 

Whilst I was upset about this I could respect his reasons for it and I had also become that frustrated by his behaviour by this point that I was also relieved as the constant emotional ups and downs of the situation with all the positive then negative messages was becoming very tiring.

 

We remained friends throughout university which I found difficult at times as if I'm being honest I was still attracted to him and he seemed in a lot of ways to still be attracted to me which made the situation more difficult to handle but like him my main concern was completing the course so I tried to focus on that.

 

Two months ago we were talking on the phone and admitted to each other that we still had feelings for each other. We arranged to go for dinner the following weekend. I had my reservations considering his behaviour the first time we got together but this is a man who I feel completely comfortable around and a real connection with.

 

He cancelled on the day of the dinner saying he had a rash on his face and wanted to look good the first time we went out again (understandable but I really wasn't bothered, I was just looking forward to seeing him again) so we rearranged for the following week. He cancelled by text then ignored my calls. When I eventually spoke to him 5 days later he said he had ignored me as he thought I would be annoyed and didn't want an arguement. He said he was worried as I've flown off the handle in the past and he didn't want a repetition of that. I have been annoyed in the past but only when he behaves like this which I think is perfectly understandable to be honest.

 

This was seven weeks ago. We've since spoken a lot and he has said he has always liked me and is looking for a relationship but in the past seven weeks I have asked him out every weekend apart from one when we were both busy and he has said yes then cancelled every single time. He says he wants things to work between us and it wont be like the first time but he has repeatedly cancelled on me, he says he will call then doesn't, in the past when we've met up he has been late on nearly every occasion.

 

He has had some emotional issues to deal with over the past weeks and I've been as supportive as I can and have tried to do what I can to help. We met up at short notice one sunday as he was really upset and had a lovely day together going round town then for dinner. I was having a terrible time last weekend and tried to call him for support in return but couldn't talk to him as he was ignoring my calls after another cancellation. When I did speak to him we had a heart to heart and I explained how frustrated I was with his behaviour, how inconsiderate and rude I found it and how would he feel if I was treating him like this? He said he wouldn't be happy about it and was sorry and sounded genuinely concerned but has done nothing about it. A lot of the time I feel like I am the only one putting any effort in and I provide a lot of emotional support but get very little in return. He knows how I feel but does nothing to improve the situation.

 

His behaviour is making me feel like he's stringing me along and used and I'm frustrated to the point that it's affecting my mood and my behaviour with others and I'm becoming angry with both of us as a result, him for treating me like this and me for putting up with it. I would not tolerate this behaviour from anyone else so why should I tolerate it from him? All my instincts are screaming at me to tell him to sling his hook but we are that good together (on the few rare occasions that that actually happens) that I don't want to do that but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I actually feel pathetic typing this out and reading it back is not a pleasant experience. I have told him how much of an affect his previous behaviour has had on me and he has work to do to get rid of these feelings. I've told him I need to feel supported by him yet he continues to behave in this manner whilst saying he wants this to work. Despite saying he wants this to work and me explaining how I feel in a very calm and reasonable way he doesn't do anything differently and it makes me miserable. I don't know what to do for the best and I'm pulling my hair out. I can't help but feel that even if we do meet up he will only cancel the next time or the time after that. I've told him I never feel secure about our meetings actually happening but even that hasn't made him change his behaviour towards me.

 

I understand he has had previous relationship problems in the past but then so have I and he has already hurt me the first time round but I refuse to let me insecurities or issues have too much of a negative impact on my life. Sometime I worry that he is almost defined by his. We are both in our early thirties which makes this even more pathetic. I've just read this back again and it really is ridiculous.

 

What should I do?

 

What is he doing?

 

Help!

Edited July 26, 2012 by Short and Sweet
Thread title didn't make sense

[TaraMaiden]

 

What should I do?

Dump him and go completely no contact and drop so far off his radar he has no idea where to start looking.

 

What is he doing?

 

Playing "phukkyourmind" games.

 

Help!

 

SERIOUSLY - ??

 

He's cancelled more dates with you than you can reasonably count, you full-on admit that " he's stringing me along and used", and that you're letting him invade your mind-space so much that it's affecting your behaviour - and you need help?

 

come on, Lady....!

 

'Dump on me once, more fool you.

Dump on me twice, more fool me.'

 

How many times has he 'dumped' on you now?

 

There's a clue in there somewhere, isn't there?!

[Short and Sweet]

There's a clue in there somewhere, isn't there?!

There is, and I don't disagree I just really want this to work.

 

There's a lot of history between us and we genuinely are brilliant together. He sounds like he does want to make this work and sometimes I feel like he is trying to improve things but that only lasts a day or two before he becomes distant again.

 

God this sounds pathetic

[TaraMaiden]

Honey, I'm sorry, I agree with you - it does.

 

I think you're in love with the idea of being in love with him, and you sooo want this to work - and it soooo just doesn't.

 

so tell me, assuming you're going to carry on playing his game - how many more days - weeks? months? years? - are you going to invest in giving him all your time, while all he does is give you not a single second of his?

 

In other words, how long can he kick the puppy for, before the puppy decides being kicked really isn't all that much fun?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I only really needed to read half way through your post to detect the pattern and you can already see that is was excuse after another, it's pretty predictable where this is all going.

 

There's nothing for you to save or fight for, you're not giving anything a chance helping him work his way through some kind of struggle...you're basically wanting to be with him and bending backwards for him to meet these expectations he's never going to meet.

 

He was never that interested in the first place, he's made excuses from day one...he had fun patty cake with your his hips on your thighs and as soon as the temperature starting reaching that uncomfortable hot then he was ready to bail and pull the cord..he used the school thing as an excuse even though regardless he would have needed to focus more, he didn't need to end things with you...often women have their very own experience in a little bubble...sure the man can detects the chemistry and connection as well but he's not necessarily ready to do back flips over it.

 

He also realizes he has power over you because he let it compromise your intelligence and he uses that emotional/chemical sway to get you back into situations you wouldn't otherwise be in, yet he's even questioning that because he knows things are going to get hot and heavy again and he's got to think of another exit plan...and he's probably a little guilty and a little bit scared of having to come up with that, how can he lead things into another rational dead end? or will you be on his back like a pesky monkey trying to bring this relationship closer together than he emotionally feels?

 

Emotionally you start thinking like a crazy person, thinking of all the endless possibilities and how great he is, and you're so compatible, he's like the left arm and you're the right and together you row you're little Valentines Day swan boat together into a blissful canal of pink rose pedals and glitter hearts pasted on the wall....well hate to knock your boat over but you're sitting alone in this, this is just a fantasy regardless of whatever specifically you're thinking about all of this...whatever it is in your head and emotionally is not reality...you don't know this guy, but you think you do because you had some great chemistry and comfort level...look, that's just apart of it, that's not the end all be all, there's a lot more that goes into a relationship than those two elements although compelling factors if not necessary.

 

This guy isn't going to be there for you when you really need him, you're just a convenience, something that he can indulge in...like going out of your way for that fast food when you know you shouldn't be you just got that craving that night.

 

You can make all the BS excuses you want for his emotional past and what not, fact of the matter is he indulges in your relationship but isn't willing to pay when the bill comes.

 

Not sure why or what you're pulling your hair out ever, his words aren't matching his actions...you already know what this means, you get the whole thing you just keep dodging the reality because you think this will actually lead somewhere.

 

He's not going to put a sign in your face or look directly in your eye and tell you what he's doing, he's showing it to you...confront him about all this, print this page out to him...the gig is up, If you put pressure and asked questions this guy would fly out of the hot seat...the only reason this has lasted this long is because you allowed it...It's clear as day and If you expect men to be open and honest enough with how they feel and what they're looking for...be prepared for a pretty tough romantic life, any man can say anything he wants, or be someone in a moment...it's who he is and what he's willing to give and sacrifice to be with you is makes the difference...promises promises, don't cost ***** for a reason.

 

You've got two choices;

 

A) Leave him and accept the reality that he doesn't want to invest in a relationship, and that's what a relationship is...two people working towards the same goal of being with each other and doing whatever they can to accommodate each others needs. Because you're not judging this guy for how he's not supportive, communicate and a host of other things.

 

or

 

B) Confront him directly, put it all out on the table...watch him squirm and come up with a lot of sighs or careful choices of words as he weasels his way out of it or If he's even a bigger d!ck just lies to your face without even a second thought to the point where it's like it went through one ear and out the other.

 

The only way this would work would be him investing in this relationship properly and I just don't see this guy doing that...he doesn't care, he cares more about himself and he doesn't see lala land like you do.

[Short and Sweet]

Tara - I've thought that myself and despite how ridiculous this all sounds I'm not as spineless as it would seem.

 

Let me give you a recent example. We had a talk where I poured my heart out to him on monday. I explained everything to him and he got upset and said he was sorry for his behaviour. He said he'd call me the following night. We text each other a couple of times that day but he didn't call.

 

I text him yesterday and it took him 6 hours to reply. This would be completely understandable if he was at work but he told me when I called him that night that he had had a half day and had been with his cousin and had had a lovely afternoon.

 

He said he had to sort something on his car with his step dad and would call me back in about an hour and a half. He didn't get in touch until this morning when he said sorry and it had been "super late" when he had got into bed and he'd call later today.

 

This wouldn't normally be a problem but it's happened that often that it infuriates me and after our talk he can't say he doesn't know how it makes me feel.

 

The thing is I worry that I'm actually being the unreasonable one and being demanding and high maintenance as he doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling. I'm genuinely not demanding or high maintenance but I do need to feel like I'm not being taken advantage of and some positive emotion from the person who claims to be attracted to me and wants things to work

[Emilia]

There is, and I don't disagree I just really want this to work.

 

There's a lot of history between us and we genuinely are brilliant together. He sounds like he does want to make this work and sometimes I feel like he is trying to improve things but that only lasts a day or two before he becomes distant again.

 

God this sounds pathetic

 

Yep it is pathetic sorry. How is it brilliant when you hardly see him as he cancels on you ALL THE TIME? Is that what you call 'making it work'? The guy has no respect for you, he can't even pretend to care.

[Emilia]

Tara - I've thought that myself and despite how ridiculous this all sounds I'm not as spineless as it would seem.

 

Let me give you a recent example. We had a talk where I poured my heart out to him on monday. I explained everything to him and he got upset and said he was sorry for his behaviour. He said he'd call me the following night. We text each other a couple of times that day but he didn't call.

 

I text him yesterday and it took him 6 hours to reply. This would be completely understandable if he was at work but he told me when I called him that night that he had had a half day and had been with his cousin and had had a lovely afternoon.

 

He said he had to sort something on his car with his step dad and would call me back in about an hour and a half. He didn't get in touch until this morning when he said sorry and it had been "super late" when he had got into bed and he'd call later today.

 

This wouldn't normally be a problem but it's happened that often that it infuriates me and after our talk he can't say he doesn't know how it makes me feel.

 

The thing is I worry that I'm actually being the unreasonable one and being demanding and high maintenance as he doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling. I'm genuinely not demanding or high maintenance but I do need to feel like I'm not being taken advantage of and some positive emotion from the person who claims to be attracted to me and wants things to work

 

Why worry about what he thinks when he doesn't give you the time of the day? Yes you are probably annoying him when you pour your heart out but that's because you are chasing a man who doesn't want to be caught. I was there when I was younger. You are working hard on something that doesn't exist. You are chasing after something that doesn't exist.

[Short and Sweet]

Ninjainpyjamas you're talking a lot of sense and these are all thoughts I've had myself.

 

To get a better picture would any other men reading like to comment on how they would feel if a woman was behaving like this towards them?

[josation218]

Ninjainpyjamas you're talking a lot of sense and these are all thoughts I've had myself.

 

To get a better picture would any other men reading like to comment on how they would feel if a woman was behaving like this towards them?

 

I would run as far away as I can from you!!! Listen to Ninjainpyjamas this man is an expert when it comes to relationships.. Im surprise he doesn't have his own tv show .. Back to the topic, As of right now he's seeing you as an easy catch. You are putting too much attention to him and he feels that he doesn't have to do anything in order to have you in his palm of his hand.. My advice to you is make him chase you.. You are the one with the vagina here. Vagina control mens.. Remember that..Im pretty sure at some point hes going to realize how foolish and senseless his being.. Just go no contact for a while and if he doesnt come back than hes not the one for you.. Relationships works both ways. How can you make a relationship work when you keep giving but never get anything back?... Be the woman here and show him what you are capable of..

[bac]

There is, and I don't disagree I just really want this to work.

 

There's a lot of history between us and we genuinely are brilliant together. He sounds like he does want to make this work and sometimes I feel like he is trying to improve things but that only lasts a day or two before he becomes distant again.

 

God this sounds pathetic

 

Let a man take all inititiative to ask you out. He knows that it is man's job to ask a woman out. No reasonable woman asks men out unless she is either totally hopeless/ugly or totally hot/beautiful.

[Short and Sweet]

Ok, here's an update.

 

We went out last saturday and had a really nice time. We are supposed to be going to a wedding this weekend. I asked him if he would be my +1 three weeks ago, he said yes. The other day he told me he had agreed to do some overtime he didn't want to do to help a work mate. We had a fight about this last night.

 

He says I would do the same for one of my colleagues and he doesn't want to do it but wants to help his friend. I say he knew we had plans, an invitation to a social event I've told people he will be accompanying me to and people have said they are looking forward to meeting him. I say he's out of order for agreeing to do it whatever the situation as he knew we had something planned. This is following last weeks conversation where I told him how one sided I felt things were and I never felt secure that we would meet up when something was arranged.

 

Whilst I wouldn't be particularly happy about it this would not be an issue if we had a foundation of anything other than cancellations. I find wanting to help a friend admirable but if someone had said everything to me that I said to him and I wanted to make a success of things, making the next date we had go well would be my most pressing concern, nothing would have greater importance.

 

At the end of the phone call we said we would talk later that night and I also sent a text apologising for certain elements of my behaviour as I feel we were both in the wrong in relation to aspects of the fight then tried to call him as agreed. He did not respond to either my text or phone call.

 

This week he has also told me in great detail about how an attractive colleague who was leaving work told him she fancies him and how funny he found this and has also admitted that he hasn't told anyone at work that he has been seeing me (other members of staff know me too) but would have told them if I was someone he had met recently. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem with either of these things. After he told his folks about the work colleague he asked me if it made me jealous which obviously only came about from talking to his folks although he denied this when I asked. I said it hadn't made me jealous, which it hadn't, I can't stop someone saying she likes him much like he can't stop anyone telling me they like me but whilst it hadn't made me jealous I certainly didn't want to hear him talking about it with such relish, if someone had told me they fancied me I probably wouldn't mention it to him, not to deceive him but who wants to hear that? particularly considering previous behaviour. He told me he would find it hilarious if I had told him the same story.

 

What I would really like to know is how would others react to this behaviour and am I correct in attaching this extra significance to the wedding date and the importance of it going smoothly with past events in mind?

 

I'm interested to hear from both men and women faced with this behaviour from the opposite sex.

 

Thank you

[Short and Sweet]

No reasonable woman asks men out unless she is either totally hopeless/ugly or totally hot/beautiful.

That is absolutely ridiculous

[Short and Sweet]

Men, please read along with this topic and then refer back to Leopards topic about dumping her loving, caring boyfriend.

I'm sorry, but can you expand on the point you are making please?

 

Thanks

[Emilia]

Ok, here's an update.

 

We went out last saturday and had a really nice time. We are supposed to be going to a wedding this weekend. I asked him if he would be my +1 three weeks ago, he said yes. The other day he told me he had agreed to do some overtime he didn't want to do to help a work mate. We had a fight about this last night.

 

He says I would do the same for one of my colleagues and he doesn't want to do it but wants to help his friend. I say he knew we had plans, an invitation to a social event I've told people he will be accompanying me to and people have said they are looking forward to meeting him. I say he's out of order for agreeing to do it whatever the situation as he knew we had something planned. This is following last weeks conversation where I told him how one sided I felt things were and I never felt secure that we would meet up when something was arranged.

 

He doesn't want to be your 1+ at the wedding because he doesn't want anything serious and he is too much of a coward to explain this to you. No reasonable person would blow off a wedding invite after agreeing to going by the way, it's just very very rude.

 

Whilst I wouldn't be particularly happy about it this would not be an issue if we had a foundation of anything other than cancellations. I find wanting to help a friend admirable but if someone had said everything to me that I said to him and I wanted to make a success of things, making the next date we had go well would be my most pressing concern, nothing would have greater importance.

 

At the end of the phone call we said we would talk later that night and I also sent a text apologising for certain elements of my behaviour as I feel we were both in the wrong in relation to aspects of the fight then tried to call him as agreed. He did not respond to either my text or phone call.

 

He doesn't care about you. You are also being a pushover

 

 

This week he has also told me in great detail about how an attractive colleague who was leaving work told him she fancies him and how funny he found this and has also admitted that he hasn't told anyone at work that he has been seeing me (other members of staff know me too) but would have told them if I was someone he had met recently. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem with either of these things. After he told his folks about the work colleague he asked me if it made me jealous which obviously only came about from talking to his folks although he denied this when I asked. I said it hadn't made me jealous, which it hadn't, I can't stop someone saying she likes him much like he can't stop anyone telling me they like me but whilst it hadn't made me jealous I certainly didn't want to hear him talking about it with such relish, if someone had told me they fancied me I probably wouldn't mention it to him, not to deceive him but who wants to hear that? particularly considering previous behaviour. He told me he would find it hilarious if I had told him the same story.

 

What I would really like to know is how would others react to this behaviour and am I correct in attaching this extra significance to the wedding date and the importance of it going smoothly with past events in mind?

 

I'm interested to hear from both men and women faced with this behaviour from the opposite sex.

 

Thank you

 

This guy has no respect for you. You seem to want to wait until he dumps you for someone else however.

[TaraMaiden]

Men, please read along with this topic and then refer back to Leopards topic about dumping her loving, caring boyfriend.

....who has no self-esteem, no job and basically no other prospects to offer other than he's desperate.

[Short and Sweet]

. No reasonable person would blow off a wedding invite after agreeing to going by the way, it's just very very rude.

It's just the evening do to be fair, not that that makes much difference in my eyes

.

He doesn't care about you. You are also being a pushover

I've confronted him when I feel he has been in the wrong and I was genuinely at fault for some of the fight. I try to be as honest and open as possible as I think it makes life easier and if I owe someone an apology I will give them one.

 

You are right in general about being a pushover though, I have certainly felt like that in general despite making my feelings clear and putting my point across.

[Short and Sweet]

Just had a phone call from him. What was described by him as a courtesy call. Twenty four hours after my text apology and there was no apology for his part in the argument. When asked why it took twenty four hours to get in touch the response was I've been busy. Too busy to text? I said. Yes, too busy to text. Aparentally this doesn't mean that my feelings aren't worth a minute of his time just that he's really busy.

 

What I don't understand is how he has managed to have relationships in the past behaving like this? I know he has had relationships in the past because he mentions his exs regularly.

 

In the past couple of weeks both I and a close friend of his have tried to talk to him about how inconsiderate his behaviour is, two people he is very close to and there has been very little improvement