serial muse Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 (edited) It's not the refusal to change the name itself that's the issue, but what it says about her idea of roles in a marriage. What I was thinking was very close to the above, but more like this: It's not the refusal to change the name itself that's the issue, but what it says about his idea of roles in a marriage. Why is the OP even talking about marriage? He's not interested in marriage in any real sense. What a nonsense conversation. I mean, come on, the OP said this in his post: I don't want to be the loser who got dumped here. If anything I will drop her ass first. At the same time I don't know if she's really going to do it and I do think she's hot. That has exactly zip to do with commitment. He just likes her because she's hot and doesn't want to be the one who gets dumped. Whatever, this is a non-discussion. OP, you two should just go ahead and break up; you're not compatible. Hot or not, name change or not. Seriously, you guys aren't ever going to get married so what-the-****-ever. Edited July 26, 2012 by serial muse 4
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 It seems OP, that you shouldn't be worrying about that argument for a long, long time. You are nowhere near mature enough to be marriage material. The way that you handle conflict and lack consideration for your girlfriend's perspective shows that you shouldn't be anywhere near a marriage. Especially when you are more concerned about being "the head" and "not looking whipped" and that she's a hippie (!) (that one made me laugh) then her simply keeping her own name. My husband truly touched my heart when we hyphenated last names together. He understood that there had been plenty of trauma in my family and no one to carry on that last name. As well, I didn't want to Lise that connection with my disabled siblings. Ours was not an "attractive" hyphen and administratively became a pain. But he was by no means whipped. (ha! He would probably laugh at a man assuming that co-operating with his wife over a last name change meant whipped!) it furthertouched my heart that he didn't begrudge it in the least when the subject was brooched, he even liked it, because it meant that he and I had a completely new name that was just "ours." and our children would have it too. On Facebook, I was the only person with my name As time wore on, him and his stepfather grew closer and his stepfather (who had no other children) offered him his last name. We all jumped at the chance because we all love the old man. We processed our legal name changes last year and all have one last name. I am glad that our names evolved this way actually despite a but of an administrative process. It was much more rewarding and inclusive then just taking what his last name was, whichheld no true meaning for any of us (his biological father dumped him off at six months old and never made contact again or held any interest.) A man who is more concerned about "what the neighbors might think" and that his girlfriend clearly has "something wrong with her" over a DIFFERENCE OF OPINION should stay as far away from marriage as possible until he comes to realize that being married does not mean having an identical thought process with your partner. 5
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 And why should she be willing to do something you aren't?
irc333 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 So what's to keep them from hitting on her, if she's still keeping single woman's name? eh? LOL If you feel so strongly about this just break up and find yourself a nice traditional girl at church or something. My wife, pink_sugar, has kept her maiden name. She prefers it to my last name, which I constantly have to spell out because it is uncommon. My younger brother's wife has also kept her maiden name. Big deal. My cousin and his wife, hyphenated their names. Just because you hyphenate your name, or even take hers, DOES NOT mean you are turning in your man card. Name is just that, a name.
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 So what's to keep them from hitting on her, if she's still keeping single woman's name? eh? LOL ...If you need a woman to take your last name for anyone to know that she's your wife, there's something wrong with either you, her, or the relationship. 4
Emilia Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 So what's to keep them from hitting on her, if she's still keeping single woman's name? eh? LOL Probably the fact that most people won't know whether it's her maiden name or not? She isn't some property that needs to be stamped as 'taken!' 5
thatone Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I've been dating my gf for almost eight months now and today we got into a big fight over name changing for marriage. She says that she would never change her name for me and that she thinks it's wrong. She says that what she would do is add my last name to her last name, but ONLY IF I DO IT TOO! So our last names would both have to be Guzmán Brown. To me that's ridiculous. . .Tradition says it's the woman who changes her name. If I changed my name I would never live it down. All my friends and my family would think I was whipped. The girl changes her name to the man's name period. That's how you know who is the head of this relationship and this family. It doesn't really matter because we're not planning on getting married any time soon but we got into a big fight over it. She ever threatened to break up with me and isn't talking to me. I don't like what I see in her now. I'm a traditional guy and with every day that passes she seems more like a radical hippie to me. I don't know if I should break up with her, especially since she already said she might break up with me. I don't want to be the loser who got dumped here. If anything I will drop her ass first. At the same time I don't know if she's really going to do it and I do think she's hot. I don't know. . . should I break it off??? sounds like she dodged a bullet and you showed your true colors. 4
pink_sugar Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Probably the fact that most people won't know whether it's her maiden name or not? She isn't some property that needs to be stamped as 'taken!' Exactly! How are some guys who're hitting on me going to know whether or not I changed my last name, or even know my last name at all for that matter? What kind of argument is this? It's called "a ring on the finger" and even then, some guys are tactless and will hit on you married or not. 1
sweetjasmine Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I am Puertorrican and in the Hispanic culture women NEVER change their name. It has nothing to do with traditional roles or non traditional roles its just something that we don't do! It may be true of Puerto Rican culture, but not all Hispanic cultures are like that. I was born in South America, and half my family is from Spain. Tradition dictates that upon marriage, women add their husband's name to their own. Up until my parents' generation, it was unheard of for women to just leave their maiden name as is. It's become more common for women to keep their names without adding their husband's, but hyphenation is still more or less the "tradition."
eleanorhurting Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 It may be true of Puerto Rican culture, but not all Hispanic cultures are like that. I was born in South America, and half my family is from Spain. Tradition dictates that upon marriage, women add their husband's name to their own. Up until my parents' generation, it was unheard of for women to just leave their maiden name as is. It's become more common for women to keep their names without adding their husband's, but hyphenation is still more or less the "tradition." you are right up until my grandmother I think most people added their husband's name like saying Guzman de Brown. (guzman of brown) But you still keep your name you don't replace it completely like other cultures do.
Els Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 It may be true of Puerto Rican culture, but not all Hispanic cultures are like that. I was born in South America, and half my family is from Spain. Tradition dictates that upon marriage, women add their husband's name to their own. Up until my parents' generation, it was unheard of for women to just leave their maiden name as is. It's become more common for women to keep their names without adding their husband's, but hyphenation is still more or less the "tradition." Yep, I'm also of a culture that traditionally dictates that a wife would take her husband's. However, IMO traditions are not a compulsory thing - it is up to the individual couple whether or not they want to follow traditions. It's fine to pick and choose, but when someone only chooses the traditions that benefit them and expects their partner to concur, while disregarding the others, then that's a pretty unattractive trait.
madjac74 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I don't want to be the loser who got dumped here. If anything I will drop her ass first. At the same time I don't know if she's really going to do it and I do think she's hot. I don't know. . . should I break it off??? This statement sums up what a moron you are and likely your girlfriend too for dating you and how neither of you should contemplate marriage or even discuss it. If you guys truly loved each other...which you do not...then you could get married and keep your respective names.
irc333 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 If you want to stay with her, just do that, but never marry her....only date her and enjoy what you have going on with her for what it is currently.
madjac74 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 If you want to stay with her, just do that, but never marry her....only date her and enjoy what you have going on with her for what it is currently. Enjoy what they have going on? haha! They were going to break up over a future marital name change. Oh...and he doesn't want to get dumped first so should he dump her first? She is hot remember.
FitChick Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 (edited) I like my name. If I were marrying someone who had a name that had no vowels in it, I might hesitate because I wouldn't want to go through life spelling my name all the time. I still think using the example of John Ono Lennon is a good compromise. Normally when you are a public figure, it's not a good idea to change your name but it didn't hurt him. So if one of you is famous it might or might not be a problem. Besides, I thought you were engaged but you are just dating so why even discuss this now? You will have more leverage when and if she wants to get married. I'd be inclined to agree to what she wants because eventually people are going to call her Mrs. Brown anyway since it's easier and they know it's her married name. Edited July 27, 2012 by FitChick
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