Can anybody explain why he's switched from one extreme to the other?

[Char12]

My first love broke up with me because he said his feelings towards me had changed. I lost my virginity to him and he remains the only person i've ever loved. I begged for him to reconsider, he came back and told me he wanted to marry me one day, and then left the next day. I was devastated, and never really moved on, even after being in a year long relationship with another man.

 

When i broke up with that boyfriend, i got back in touch with him after 2 years, a short message saying congrats on getting into university. He replied with long messages saying what he'd been up to and we got talking again. It turned him leading the conversation towards sex we'd had. I told him i thought i wasn't comfortable talking to him about that, and it led to him getting quite hostile and telling me i was too sensitive. I told him not to contact me again, and his last message was him saying he did still love me and would like to try again but i didn't sound interested so he said he was being childish and trying to piss me off, and wrote a long apology email. I forgave him and he began talking about memories we'd had and i forgot about how he'd acted.

 

A couple of months later he was back in my town and i asked if he'd like to catch up enthusiastically said we should the next day. When i saw him, memories came flooding back and we just seemed to click back into it like we'd never been apart. He kissed me the first time he saw me and naturally began to hold my hand. I asked him whether this was a one off or he wanted to try again, he said he wanted to try again and now saw there was a hole in his life where i'd been. It gave me some fairytale notion that we were supposed to be together. I told him i needed to think about it, and got together to talk to him about issues with him going back to uni and how he felt about them and he said he wanted to try, so i got back together with him.

 

In the next couple of days he told me he loved me, the next couple of weeks he told me he wanted to see how far our relationship could go, and after a month he said he wanted my children one day. I was trying to take it slow after he'd hurt me so much, and had an idea he might just want some easy sex whilst he was back. He assured me he wasn't just trying to have sex. I ended up falling completely in love with him again and sleeping with him. He'd give me massages and make me feel so special. When he went back to uni, it was no different. He'd text me in the middle of the night saying he "loved me with all his heart" and he "needed me so bad." He also said that what have is worth the risk of being in a long distance relationship for a while and that when we left uni he wanted to rent a place with me.

 

He was this full on until i'd done badly in an exam and rang him for comfort, i said that being apart from him was hard on days i needed him and whether we could sort out a way to see each other more often, i could have travelled easily to see him. He suddenly said it was too hard and he was clouded by sex and our chemistry to realise how hard it was going to be. He wrote me a long break up letter and i never replied to remain some dignity.

 

Two months later, i broke no contact after having a bad day and just wanted his company and for him to comfort me so much that i forgot about how he'd hurt me so much. He told me he thought i was pissed off at him after not contacting him, and that he was busy and if i needed him i could email him. How much he'd changed from making me feel like the love of his life to so insignificant made me email him asking for answers. He either had no answers for me or he just replied saying he was sorry and that he was just a bad boyfriend and wish i'd never met him. The excuses this time ranged from that he loved me and only wanted me to be happy, and wished we could be together but he had to study (Which i'd asked if it would be a problem before getting into a relationship and he assured me it wasn't) and that he didn't know how he felt, even though he was making these promises and showering me with affection until i mentioned that being away from him was hard. He even said that i he knew i was looking for comfort but i did a good job of putting him off talking about problems in our relationship. He said that i brought it up and he was just agreeing with makes me feel somewhat to blame for all this. After him saying that, i just left it saying i wished him the best. His last message said that i shouldn't ring him again if i had a bad day to let him know how badly he'd hurt me, and that if i did he'd hang himself as his own guilt was bad enough.

 

He's attempted suicide in the past so I didn't reply but spent the next day worrying that he'd put something like that, and wondering if there were issues he wasn't telling me about. I'd deleted him off facebook, however, later on that day, my friend was on facebook and saw his status saying "When a recent ex contacts you just to stab at you, maybe she'll get bored of stabbing soon". I hadn't contacted him until that conversation, and remained civil compared to what he deserved. I was so angry that he had the nerve to write that, especially considering he'd been in the wrong. We also have mutual friends on facebook who know i'm the recent ex and i'm worried will think i'm being a crazy ex girlfriend. To top this off, i was so angry and hurt that i raced round his house and confronted him about it, which i could tell by how speechless he was and the expression on his face that he thought i'd never see it. He said he'd take it down but in turned into me being in tears saying how much i'd loved him and everything he'd done wrong etc, whilst he was a different person to the one who'd made me feel so special and was completely indifferent, even acting like it was a chore even talking to me.It also just seemed to confirm this false image he'd created of me, and i feel like i've completely lost my dignity and am back at square one.

 

Can somebody please shed some light onto why he's behaved like this and how to get over the idea that i feel i've lost all self respect to somebody who seems to not care in the slightest about me anymore?

[Sheppy99]

Before I got to your final paragraph I had already realized he is very emotionally unstable and than you mentioned his past dealing with suicide which further proves my point. I know its hard to see now cause my relationship just ended after amazing time spent together. Wasn't a long time but it was quality time and a lot of it. I racked my brain trying to figure out what had happened and it was right in front of me as well. She's not emotionally stable in the least neither. She as well tried to end her life just back in January. How easily we can forget such serious events when you're falling or are in love with someone when a story like this is so key to explain why this person can't love someone else in a healthy way.

 

If they can't love themselves in a healthy way, why on earth can we expect them to love us?

[CopingGal]

The person the OP talking about is a male not a female.

[KatZee]

The person the OP talking about is a male not a female.

 

The person the 2nd person is talking about is his experience with his emotionally unstable spouse, the female.

[KatZee]

Before I got to your final paragraph I had already realized he is very emotionally unstable and than you mentioned his past dealing with suicide which further proves my point. I know its hard to see now cause my relationship just ended after amazing time spent together. Wasn't a long time but it was quality time and a lot of it. I racked my brain trying to figure out what had happened and it was right in front of me as well. She's not emotionally stable in the least neither. She as well tried to end her life just back in January. How easily we can forget such serious events when you're falling or are in love with someone when a story like this is so key to explain why this person can't love someone else in a healthy way.

 

If they can't love themselves in a healthy way, why on earth can we expect them to love us?

 

My ex pulled something similar as the OP flip flopped constantly between being madly in love, to not wanting to be with me. He cheated on me and pulled the "I wanted to kill myself" line when he confessed. Does this sound like an emotionally unstable person? He often said he was unhappy and couldn't love anyone unless he loved himself and he didn't. Not sure if it was just an excuse, or the truth.

[Sheppy99]

My ex pulled something similar as the OP flip flopped constantly between being madly in love, to not wanting to be with me. He cheated on me and pulled the "I wanted to kill myself" line when he confessed. Does this sound like an emotionally unstable person? He often said he was unhappy and couldn't love anyone unless he loved himself and he didn't. Not sure if it was just an excuse, or the truth.

 

That is the exact actions of an unstable person. One extreme to another. Madly in love with you one day, depressed the next and wanting to end it and self sabotage something great.

 

It doesn't sound like an excuse at all to be honest. Sounds like he understands his issues at the very least and knows he can't have a stable relationship the way he is. Whether someone admits to trying to kill themselves or wanting too, each person is not healthy of mind. Trying to love that person and it going wrong and hurting you is like being upset at your 200 dollar clunker car that breaks down and doesn't get you to work in the morning. You should of had realistic expectations.

 

Something I'm coming to grips with. The reason it's so hard for me is I never saw in the short time we were together all the bad stuff. I never saw her battles with depression. I only saw an extremely happy girl who was happy to be with me. What I did get were troubling stories of her past which were signs she was trying to give to me to show me there was more to this girl than meets the eye.

 

When I said I love everything about you on the day of our break up and she replied "do you think you even really knew me?" I realize now what she was saying was really "I know you loved my happy side but you don't really know my battles with depression and what I'm during this so how can you say such a thing"

 

Maybe she saved me a world of hurt. She hoped our paths would cross one day again when she is in a better place. That's a good sign even though I won't be waiting for her.......

[KatZee]

That is the exact actions of an unstable person. One extreme to another. Madly in love with you one day, depressed the next and wanting to end it and self sabotage something great.

 

It doesn't sound like an excuse at all to be honest. Sounds like he understands his issues at the very least and knows he can't have a stable relationship the way he is. Whether someone admits to trying to kill themselves or wanting too, each person is not healthy of mind. Trying to love that person and it going wrong and hurting you is like being upset at your 200 dollar clunker car that breaks down and doesn't get you to work in the morning. You should of had realistic expectations.

 

Something I'm coming to grips with. The reason it's so hard for me is I never saw in the short time we were together all the bad stuff. I never saw her battles with depression. I only saw an extremely happy girl who was happy to be with me. What I did get were troubling stories of her past which were signs she was trying to give to me to show me there was more to this girl than meets the eye.

 

When I said I love everything about you on the day of our break up and she replied "do you think you even really knew me?" I realize now what she was saying was really "I know you loved my happy side but you don't really know my battles with depression and what I'm during this so how can you say such a thing"

 

Maybe she saved me a world of hurt. She hoped our paths would cross one day again when she is in a better place. That's a good sign even though I won't be waiting for her.......

 

Well with mine, he never communicated. He always came off like some carefree, happy person. He's TRUE side never came out until our two year anniversary mark. That's when everything went to sh*t and he started doing the flip flop game. Basically it was because he got scared someone would tell me he cheated on me. He is a master at facades and he hid A LOT of himself to me, and for the general public he hides everything. He's phony in many aspects, and I'm not sure if it's a survival technique because he's hurting so desperately, but even if he DOES acknowledge something is wrong, he can't stand being too open with someone, and he won't ever get professional help, and instead of staying and working at it with me, he'd rather run off to find someone who has no clue who he is, so he can start the charade all over again.

[Sheppy99]

Well with mine, he never communicated. He always came off like some carefree, happy person. He's TRUE side never came out until our two year anniversary mark. That's when everything went to sh*t and he started doing the flip flop game. Basically it was because he got scared someone would tell me he cheated on me. He is a master at facades and he hid A LOT of himself to me, and for the general public he hides everything. He's phony in many aspects, and I'm not sure if it's a survival technique because he's hurting so desperately, but even if he DOES acknowledge something is wrong, he can't stand being too open with someone, and he won't ever get professional help, and instead of staying and working at it with me, he'd rather run off to find someone who has no clue who he is, so he can start the charade all over again.

 

Sounds like he's afraid of opening himself up to being vulnerable..... In my early twenties I was a lot like that. I didn't really like myself so I was unable to really love anybody else. I was a self indulged cocky ahole to be honest. I looked happy on the outside too but trying to get me to express deep emotions even with girls I would date for over a year or even 2 was almost impossible.

 

It wasn't until I sabotaged a relationship I had with a girl that I ended up falling in love with that I changed and realized I needed to work on myself and figure out what I was doing wrong. I chased after her for a long time but never got her back. The damage was done. I took 2 or 3 years to myself and didn't really date anyone. I'm 29 now and I can say that I still may have not met the one but the quality of my relationships have dramatically improved. I am able to fall in love and love cause I finally love myself.

 

My most recent ex said I was the most caring thoughtful and genuine guy she's ever met and she didn't know how to handle that after being treated like crap by so many before her.

 

Sometimes people have to grow before they can offer what you want. You just need to find the person that has already grown into who they want to be and I'm not saying it can't be a young person. Lots of young people know who they are already but some do not. Hell some 40 year olds don't know who they are as some of the stories on her show.

 

All you can do is try to objectively look at your ex and ask yourself, is this person really able to give me what I want? Is this person really as emotionally mature as me? If the answer is no.......... probably best to move on