Lisa_Lisa Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Hi, I know you'll all probably call me a fool, but I need to be woken up. This might be a long story, but I need to tell it and get it all out. There are many layers to my story, but the one I'm most ashamed of this: I was a sucker for a handsome face. It all started innocently enough, but it went too fast, and although I had my reservations, I went with the flow. He said he loved me and I felt the same way. We pretty had our future planned out. Then one day he casually asked me if I could find him a cheap tablet because he really wanted one and the ones in Chile were expensive. My friend just happened to be selling one at the moment so I told him about it and he said he wanted to buy it. Sure. Total cost=$201.16 (He swore he'd pay me back). Through it all, he said he loved me, wanted to be with me. He'd text me in the mornings, afternoons, and at night. We'd talk on the phone. He'd always profess his love for me and I for him. But there were red flags that I didn't pick and/or was ignoring. Things like - he never once called me on the phone, not once. Ever. I caught him in a couple of white lies, but I told myself it was no big deal. I've been known to fib a bit at times. The relationship had only just begun and I didn't want to potentially ruin a good thing. He'd tell me his problems here and there, but they always seemed to focus on money. At one point, he'd racked up too many bills and needed some money to pay for them. His boss hadn't deposited what he owed him into his bank account and he was thinking of selling some households items just to be able to pay his way. Of course he never outright asked me, but being compassionate and loving and thinking he'd always be there for me, I forked over $600.00. Again he swore he'd pay me back. When the tablet got there after a month and a half, he claimed it wasn't working and the screen was cracked. Believable; since it was stuck in customs for a while and there is no guarantee that things will stay in mint condition. But that wasn't my fault and I wondered if that meant that he wasn't going to pay me. Then the trouble started. A couple fights here and there. He wasn't paying enough attention to me (I felt). That's important in a long distance relationship. Communication is all you have. Once that starts lacking, what else is there? I pressured him a bit for more communication especially since I'd see him on Facebook and he wouldn't say a word to me. He'd say I fell asleep in front of the computer. Bull****. But of course, the next day, he'd tell me how much he loved and missed me and couldn't wait to come to the States to be with me. But since the tablet got effed up, and there's a sale on laptops in his city, could I spot him for one? I told myself "no way." He hadn't paid me back the $600 nor given me money for the broken tablet. He swore he pay me back. He wanted the laptop so we could see each other. He wanted our love to be stronger. I knew it was bull****. But I was afraid of losing him. I actually gave in because of fear. By this time I knew full well he wasn't going to pay me back. We were strong for a while, we did see each other, but not as often as I had hoped. And then I was browsing through his Facebook wall one day and this girl had written, "my video chat isn't working, but I'll log on as soon as I fix it ♥." I was livid. But I had only myself to blame. Up until that point I really thought he was faithful to me. I let my emotions get the better of me and I confronted him about it. He said she was just a friend, but I went after her. Told her he was my boyfriend and to leave us alone. She said they were just friends, but through some detective work, I managed to find out his Facebook password and I found messages between him, her, and several other girls. He was telling them he loved them. He called them, "my love" being real sweet and kind and loving. It hurt really bad. I confessed what I found out, and he got angry. He said they were just friends. I said "you don't tell your friends that you love them." He said, "I have a different mentality." It was heart wrenching. How could I ever trust him once we did get married? Would he still be doing this? They say narcissists need an ego supply to validate how great they think they are. Once you stop doing it, they have no need for you, and move on. So we were fighting about money, my supposed jealously, and my negative mind. I'm cautious, not negative. The last straw (for him) was when he asked me to invest in a business. He'd buy fancy shoes in bulk, sell them, and deposit the funds in a joint account. But who was supposed to invest this money? Me! And $1,000 at that. I said, "no way." He said I was being negative. Negative?! He said, "don't you trust me?" "Of course I don't trust you. You haven't paid me back the $1,286.16 that you owe me!" And just like that, it was over. He said it was over because of my jealousy, the fights I'd pick with him, and my constant negativity. But he hadn't done absolutely anything for me. Not one thing. Did not sacrifice anything. Meanwhile, I racked up money in long distance bills, sent him money, bought a blackberry just to be able to communicate better with him, even put up with his "friends." But the demise of our relationship was my fault. There are times that I imagine showing up at his door and taking a hammer to that laptop, to his t.v., and throwing that blackberry into the toilet. No one has ever done this to me. And I think that's why it's so hard to get over it. I truly gave him my all. And he just used me. He never once said "I'm sorry." Narcissists feel no empathy. They live in their own fantasies and use other people to their advantage. The pain is raw and I feel embarrassed and humiliated. People tell me I was a fool. His own sister told me he can never love anyone. He's too selfish. Now I think he's in a new relationship with this girl who dedicates love songs to him on FB. She doesn't know what she's in for.
2muchlove Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 First, I think a good amount of break-ups you see on these forums involve narcissism in some way. You're not alone. Don't feel ashamed for putting your all into this relationship. When you love someone it's hard to see past the good traits to realize the ones need to run away from. You felt the love and it turned on you. You obviously are a kind, caring individual. And he's not fortunate enough to know what real love is like. Take what you can from it and begin to rebuild yourself.
KatZee Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 He does not sound like a narcissist. He sounds like a user. My ex is a narcissist. People like this never take responsibility for their part in problems. Everything they do is right. They are charming and will go through any lengths to always put their best foot forward to be seen in the best light possible. Everything going wrong is someone else's fault. They are never the problem. They are never at fault. They believe everything they do is right and good. They will never admit to being wrong, and if they do it's only to get you to be quiet and to end the conflict, not because they are actually owning up to their part. These people have no flaws. (According to them). Narcissists lack empathy for you. They are super critical of you, but refuse to take criticism of themselves. Passive aggressive, the most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Right, he never admitted he was wrong in anything. Everything was always my fault. But one thing I'll give him is never attacked me, got angry with me, told me off or insulted me or put me down. All he ever said were kind things. He said I was beautiful, I was the one for him, he couldn't wait to be in my arms. But in the end, they were just words. And actions speak louder than words.
flitzanu Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 no, per your title, you were not dating a Narcissist. you were just dating an *******.
Ruby65 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 He did not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it sounds like he did have another related illness -- Anti-Social Personality Disorder, they're commonly called sociopaths. These people are unusually gifted at manipulating others, seducing them, cheating on them and getting money from them. This guy sounds like a textbook case. Don't feel ashamed! Google lovescams.com and also look up information on sociopaths online.... you'll learn you're far from being alone!! Please don't blame yourself!
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Thanks, Ruby, starting googling sociopaths and there are some similarities to the narcissist. He never got angry though, at least not at me. My brother warned me about him, but I didn't listen. This guy got cars, money, and apartments from his older lady lovers. And what sickens me is from his FB messages I've read, he must have something going on with his cousin's mother-in-law (she's 60). She was passing him money, too, and when she wrote, "now that I'm going to be alone, you've got to work?!" I knew then he was either sleeping with her or seducing her for cash - just like he did to me. I hope a girl really breaks his heart so he could know what suffering is.
penguin23 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Bittersweet you were trying to be a good person. Please don't feel ashamed for the (nice) way you treated him or the (heartless) way he treated you. There are always going to be people out there who want to take advantage of others. He knew the right things to say and do to get you to shell out money for him, etc. Whether he's a sociopath, a narcissist or has some other personality disorder doesn't really make such a big difference now. He's not your problem anymore and that's a good thing! And for the future you'll know to pay attention to those red flags! Always a good lesson.
k100danny Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Sounds like you jut got involved with a scammer. I trust it you met this person in real life and got into a relationship and then it became long distance? If not you hear of this thing happening quite a lot and i never understand why people get into relationships over the internet, people say you can fall in love without meeting someone but you cant. FACT! You fall in love with your image of them in your head and what they tell you, this can happen in real life but it's harder to keep a lid on it for that long.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Danny, I've actually known him for years, but since I was 7 years older than him, we never talked or hung out. It was only when I visited Chile (the country he moved to) that we got to know each other - a little. We went out for drinks then hung out with friends at a camp site. We were both buzzed and he hugged me and kissed my neck. Sweet little things like that. I thought he was just being friendly. But once I came back to the States, we started messaging each other and it turned into a long distance relationship - the end result was supposed to be him flying here and staying with me for the long term. But now that I've read some things about sociopaths, I'm starting to come to terms with it. He represented himself to me in a way I couldn't resist, but his true colors emerged in the relationship because it was just words. We couldn't physically be together and I never got to be intimate with him - which I pissed about. I should have gotten something out of it after all the money I gave. This is an interesting and certainly true account of my relationship that I found off a website: <<<<The beginning charm you feel with the sociopath does not last long, because he is putting on a false face to reel you in. He is charming, seems sincere and earnest, makes you feel needed and important, and seems like the real thing, but only in the beginning. Other early warning signs that might alert you to this personality disorder are: lack of friends (he has none); lack of family (he burned them all out and used them up); a history of failed relationships (the other party always wronged him); being secretive (especially about money and his past); acting defensive when questioned about his whereabouts, work, money, or how he spends his time (he is already hiding things from you); criminal history or committing fraud without being charged (his family/friends will often not press charges); underachiever at work (frequently changing jobs); irresponsible spending (he will be spending your money, too, soon!) - ..and many other signs, most of which you recognize, but might still be in denial about. Many innocent, trusting women at this point of the relationship think their guy is still an okay guy, he just has some problems that she can surely fix with unconditional love, devotion and support. Beware; if you are at this point, you are in very deep.>>>>>
Frank13 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Did you even meet this guy? You are in NY and he is in Chile?
Hat-Trick Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 He did not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it sounds like he did have another related illness -- Anti-Social Personality Disorder, they're commonly called sociopaths. These people are unusually gifted at manipulating others, seducing them, cheating on them and getting money from them. This guy sounds like a textbook case. Don't feel ashamed! Google lovescams.com and also look up information on sociopaths online.... you'll learn you're far from being alone!! Please don't blame yourself! I agree with Ruby, this is exactly my thinking. Go to lovefraud.com Narcissists are only after narcissistic supply. Sociopaths will go after your money etc.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Yes, I've known him since he was a little boy. I used to travel to South America every two years, Ecuador specifically. Since he was younger than me, we didn't talk much. But when he moved to Chile, things became different. He was older and we hung out. I can't help myself from looking at his FB page. That girl that told him, "I love you" above a song she dedicated to him was reciprocated by him. He liked the song and wrote, "thanks, I love you, too." I don't know if he means it as just a friend or if he actually feel something for her. But this is good. My last ex got his girlfriend pregnant and I cried like you wouldn't believe, but she ended up not having the baby. Several months later, when he and I were together, he told me, she was pregnant again. I didn't even flinch. It didn't hurt me or bother me. She went on to have a baby girl. So, I think it's better for me to feel the brunt of it now even if he and she may only be just friends so that when he really is with someone new, I won't blink an eye.
CopingGal Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Okay, I've talked about this a lot so I will be brief. I dated a man with both sociopathic traits (antisocial personality disorder traits) and narcissitic traits. He didn't take my money. He didn't hit me. But he used me up and spit me out and made my life a living hell. He took and he took and he took and when it was all over I looked around and I was all used up. It started out with a small lie. He lied about having mice in his house. But throughout the relationship, there were big lies, little lies, medium lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. I'm sorry you went through that. People like that just take and take and take and then go on to the next victim with no remorse.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 So sorry that happened to you, CopingGal. I understand this man/boy will never change. And even though I'm doing the NC, I will most likely be moving to Chile by February and will be in his circle of friends. I'm guess I'm not looking for closure or an apology - I mean I went ballistic after he broke up with me, and told him exactly what I thought he was doing to me, i.e., the messages with other girls and the money stuff and how coincidental that when I wouldn't give him the $1,000, he dumps me - what I'm looking for is a balanced, cordial acquaintance because I don't know anyone else in Chile, and until I get to know other people, his circle of friends is all I've got.
CopingGal Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Okay, if you can, try to stay away from his circle of friends and make it on your own. If you have questions, ask your neighbors. Seriously, you need to stay away from him and his friends. Seriously, try to make it on your own. Another thing, he should be the one who is ashamed. And he very well may be a sociopath. That is why it is very important that you stay away from him AND his friends. You don't know what more he's capable of.
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