snug.bunny Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 We have been together for a year and 8 months to be exact, it will be 2 years in December and I do want to work on my jealousy and insecurities but it is just hard I know. But, you're just going to have to try. Here's a couple articles you may find helpful. How to Deal With Jealousy and Distrust in a Relationship http://ezinearticles.com/?Jealousy,-A-Lonely-Place-To-Be!&id=47742
Author TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 You need to back off and not make this girl your whole life. So what if she forgot her cell phone in her car and couldn't get back to you for awhile. It happens. Doesn't mean anything. You need to give her some space. You are coming across as very needy and insecure, and that is not an attractive quality to have. Don't be calling or texting all the time. Get a well rounded life that involves other activities and people that don't always include her. Guy friends/buddies and other individual activities that would make you an interesting person. You are way too dependent on her. Women are not attracted to that. They are attracted to men who are strong, confident, with high self esteem and not difficult to get along with. You are making it very difficult to get along with you with your jealousy and insecurity, and your high demands for constant contact. I think you need to back off. Don't accuse her of anything unless you are faced with undeniable proof that she is cheating on you--and don't go looking for evidence of cheating, unless she has given you definate warning signs. Not answering her cell phone for a bit is not necessarily a warning sign. And I would suggest counseling to get over your issues of insecurity and fear. If you don't get over that, it will damage and destroy whatever romantic relationships you have. I will agree you, I will be the first one to admit that I need help but still there is only so much a guy can take
KathyM Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I will agree you, I will be the first one to admit that I need help but still there is only so much a guy can take So maybe you are feeling disrespected if you make plans with her and then she flakes on you. Maybe you are feeling this is too much of a one-sided relationship and you are much more invested in it that she is. Then be honest with her next time she does that, and tell her (without drama) that you get the feeling she's not real invested in the relationship, and you don't feel respected when she bails on you. You can hold her accountable for that type of thing, and if she cares about you at all, she will change. But I would suggest you back off a bit. Don't call all the time. Develop a life that includes other activities and things that don't include her. People need some amount of space, and you need to give it to them, or they will feel suffocated. And stop the jealousy and suspicions, or like another poster said, that will be a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Author TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 So maybe you are feeling disrespected if you make plans with her and then she flakes on you. Maybe you are feeling this is too much of a one-sided relationship and you are much more invested in it that she is. Then be honest with her next time she does that, and tell her (without drama) that you get the feeling she's not real invested in the relationship, and you don't feel respected when she bails on you. You can hold her accountable for that type of thing, and if she cares about you at all, she will change. But I would suggest you back off a bit. Don't call all the time. Develop a life that includes other activities and things that don't include her. People need some amount of space, and you need to give it to them, or they will feel suffocated. And stop the jealousy and suspicions, or like another poster said, that will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. You know what, I will take your advice 1
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Yes and I will stay busy by not replying to her calls or texts, hey if she can do that, then I will do that, 2 can play at that game but still at the same time I will admit I am insecure and I always have been because of the way I grew up. My parents divorcing when I was at an early age and then seeing the type of damage it could do and then being bullied too also doesn't help. As well not having a meaningful relationship until now, yes I will say that I am an insecure and jealous person and I have tried to work on it but these suspicions keep growing and growing Don't do that. Just be honest and let her know why you feel insecure, jealous and worried she's cheating or going to cheat on you. Does she know about your childhood? The scars that are there, things and triggers that set you off making it hard to trust? How can you fix this? Have you gone to counselling to learn to let go of the past, understand that that was between your parents, that it's not good to bring emotional baggage and dump it on someone else who had nothing to do with your past pain?
Author TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Don't do that. Just be honest and let her know why you feel insecure, jealous and worried she's cheating or going to cheat on you. Does she know about your childhood? The scars that are there, things and triggers that set you off making it hard to trust? How can you fix this? Have you gone to counselling to learn to let go of the past, understand that that was between your parents, that it's not good to bring emotional baggage and dump it on someone else who had nothing to do with your past pain? She doesn't know about my childhood because I haven't confided it in her because if she knew everything, she would see why I have trust issues and she would want to run in the other direction if she knew everything about what happened back then
dasein Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Disagree with some others. SOs who ignore calls or texts from their SO and had planned to call "tomorrow" aren't into the relationship, and certainly aren't respectful or considerate, male or female. It's one thing to not return contacts for a few hours, quite another to not return contact until the next day. Break up and move on. In all likelihood that's what this girl wants and there actually is a good chance she is looking at other options and may already be cheating. Good luck whatever you decide.
Author TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 You sound controlling. She should dump you. Matter of opinion but if anything I should be the one who should dump her if anything
Drseussgrrl Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Honestly I would probably be avoiding you too if you were treating me with mistrust, jealousy, insecurity, and accusations. There's only so much of that someone can take. And now you want to ignore her. 1
Author TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Honestly I would probably be avoiding you too if you were treating me with mistrust, jealousy, insecurity, and accusations. There's only so much of that someone can take. And now you want to ignore her. Yes I do want to ignore her because maybe if by doing that, it gives her enough space and room away from me
Drseussgrrl Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Ignoring someone is what you do when you have broken up and are trying to move on. You need to have a frank and honest discussion with her. Tell her you know you've been acting insecure and unfairly accusing her of cheating. Own it, apologize, and tell her you'd like to move forward in a healthy way. Then do as another poster suggested and get busy cultivating your own life outside of the relationship. You will find that you will naturally not be so obsessed with her and what she's doing all the time, because you'll be busy doing your own sh*t.
Oxy Moronovich Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Disagree with some others. SOs who ignore calls or texts from their SO and had planned to call "tomorrow" aren't into the relationship, and certainly aren't respectful or considerate, male or female. It's one thing to not return contacts for a few hours, quite another to not return contact until the next day. Break up and move on. In all likelihood that's what this girl wants and there actually is a good chance she is looking at other options and may already be cheating. Good luck whatever you decide. Probably the smartest post in this whole thread. If your significant other blatantly ignores your call then that means they are not into you. dasein's right: it's time to break up.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Yay! Once you do that, you feel way better about yourself and feel like you have more control in the direction your life is going overall.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Ignoring someone is what you do when you have broken up and are trying to move on. You need to have a frank and honest discussion with her. Tell her you know you've been acting insecure and unfairly accusing her of cheating. Own it, apologize, and tell her you'd like to move forward in a healthy way. Then do as another poster suggested and get busy cultivating your own life outside of the relationship. You will find that you will naturally not be so obsessed with her and what she's doing all the time, because you'll be busy doing your own sh*t. Crap it didn't quote what I tried to put. Yeah: be honest with her and maybe even confide in her. Be very blunt about how you feel it being one-sided etc. You've been with her almost 2 years (!) and she doesn't know why you are acting like this? It just makes you sound like a controlling wacko. Seriously, if she knew the context of your insecurity she might run BUT at this rate you are looking at a breakup anyways. You either invest a little more, or pull the plug. That also means invest in yourself more at the same time. Cultivate those outside interests. Men with poor boundaries bounce between smothering someone/being demanding/controlling/and giving very little reasonable leeway to ignoring/stonewalling/abandoning. That's what you are doing, and it's hellish. If that is what you do, then you are building the situation to a breaking point. And no:forgetting one's phone in one's car is not a great reason to threaten a breakup. 1
Author TG1 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Ignore the immature posters who most likely treat men that way. She is probably speaking from experience. Yes you know you are jealous and insecure. You need to find out why and how to fix them. See a therapist, read self help books. The first step is realizing you have a problem. Now help yourself and get help. I don't think this girl is the one for you. But the next one you need to me emotionally healthy for. And I definitely agree with that
Author TG1 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Yes I am jealous and I am insecure but my girlfriend makes me that way among other things, she's one of the factors why I am, but I will admit that I need help. I seriously do but I feel that if I give her enough space and enough room away from me by choosing not to talk to her or contact her in any way for at least a few days, a week, longer, she will come crawling back
Author TG1 Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 I just got into another blow-up with her but I think this time this could be the final straw especially after I talked to her today and I told her that I wanted a break but that I still love her, I always have and I always will but that I wanted to give her time and space away from me and she goes off on me and tells me that what I'm doing is not okay, how is that not okay? Asking for a break but that I still want to be with you but I just need time and space and I told her she needs the space and time away from me too but I think after this, we're done And I am really crushed about this, to the point where I want to cry but I can't, instead now I am just angry and I want to lash out at the world but I also just feel like I want to shut down
William Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Bumped to bring the thread starter's attention to some articles a member (SnugBunny) posted but which were auto moderated. Sorry for the delay.
mickleb Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I just got into another blow-up with her but I think this time this could be the final straw especially after I talked to her today and I told her that I wanted a break but that I still love her, I always have and I always will but that I wanted to give her time and space away from me and she goes off on me and tells me that what I'm doing is not okay, how is that not okay? Asking for a break but that I still want to be with you but I just need time and space and I told her she needs the space and time away from me too but I think after this, we're done And I am really crushed about this, to the point where I want to cry but I can't, instead now I am just angry and I want to lash out at the world but I also just feel like I want to shut down As far as I'm aware, asking for a break is never a good idea. If you are sure you want to break up, do it - if not talk it through. Asking for a break just sounds like you don't want to deal with your situation and want some distractions. Not very productive. You've had some good advice in this thread. You haven't stated why your GF actually makes you possessive, so it's difficult to say whether breaking up with her is justified. It is clear, though, that you need to learn how to honestly and calmly discuss your feelings (she probably needs to learn how to do this too). I really feel, after two years, this girl deserves to know about your past. It's clearly what you blame for your insecurities. At the moment, you two are definitely heading towards a permanent break-up, so you have nothing to lose. Women and men need straightforward communication when things are this rocky. It's the only behaviour that actually has the power to change things. If you really want to save this relationship, you're going to have to man up, get honest and be humble about it - own your stuff. If she doesn't own hers, after that, it's over. 1
Author TG1 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 As far as I'm aware, asking for a break is never a good idea. If you are sure you want to break up, do it - if not talk it through. Asking for a break just sounds like you don't want to deal with your situation and want some distractions. Not very productive. You've had some good advice in this thread. You haven't stated why your GF actually makes you possessive, so it's difficult to say whether breaking up with her is justified. It is clear, though, that you need to learn how to honestly and calmly discuss your feelings (she probably needs to learn how to do this too). I really feel, after two years, this girl deserves to know about your past. It's clearly what you blame for your insecurities. At the moment, you two are definitely heading towards a permanent break-up, so you have nothing to lose. Women and men need straightforward communication when things are this rocky. It's the only behaviour that actually has the power to change things. If you really want to save this relationship, you're going to have to man up, get honest and be humble about it - own your stuff. If she doesn't own hers, after that, it's over. I agree and after that fight I haven't spoken to her since, she hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't tried to contact her and I think that is how it should be, don't you agree because she said she was done with me and done with this relationship even after I tried to convince her to stay but I guess I just have to cut my losses and move on
mickleb Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I agree and after that fight I haven't spoken to her since, she hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't tried to contact her and I think that is how it should be, don't you agree because she said she was done with me and done with this relationship even after I tried to convince her to stay but I guess I just have to cut my losses and move on I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused. I just scanned this thread again looking for when she said she was done with the relationship but couldn't find it. When did that happen? No contact is what should happen if one of you has definitely decided to break up with the other, and has clearly informed them of this. Otherwise, I'd recommend clear, rational communication, trying very hard to see the other person's perspective as frequently as possible, I think.
Author TG1 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused. I just scanned this thread again looking for when she said she was done with the relationship but couldn't find it. When did that happen? No contact is what should happen if one of you has definitely decided to break up with the other, and has clearly informed them of this. Otherwise, I'd recommend clear, rational communication, trying very hard to see the other person's perspective as frequently as possible, I think. Yes and I want to communicate with her more than anything but I am not even sure she would want to hear from me right now, and to tell you the truth I don't think I would want to hear from her either considering how she's made me feel these past 2 days since our fight was on Friday night after I got home from work really late and ever since then she hasn't contacted me and I am like if that is what she wants to do, then I am not going to stop her, I am just going to live my life accordingly But at the same time all I have felt ever since that fight is nothing but anger and sadness and depression but I just mask it really well, and I mask it so well that it appears that I am fine on the outside but in the inside I am just breaking down but I have to shut down emotionally because I feel like if I shut down emotionally, I won't allow myself to feel the pain of it all
Author TG1 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Yes and I want to communicate with her more than anything but I am not even sure she would want to hear from me right now, and to tell you the truth I don't think I would want to hear from her either considering how she's made me feel these past 2 days since our fight was on Friday night after I got home from work really late and ever since then she hasn't contacted me and I am like if that is what she wants to do, then I am not going to stop her, I am just going to live my life accordingly But at the same time all I have felt ever since that fight is nothing but anger and sadness and depression but I just mask it really well, and I mask it so well that it appears that I am fine on the outside but in the inside I am just breaking down but I have to shut down emotionally because I feel like if I shut down emotionally, I won't allow myself to feel the pain of it all That's why I am just going to throw myself into my work and other things and not focus on this anymore because in the end all it's going to do is drag me down
Author TG1 Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 That's why I am just going to throw myself into my work and other things and not focus on this anymore because in the end all it's going to do is drag me down So yes I will not think about her anymore or give her the satisfaction of seeing me break down over this
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