Lobouspo Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 What have you learned about dating and relationship as you have gotten older? If you could go back in time,and give advice to your younger self what would you tell him/her?
Author Lobouspo Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Expectation management is key. Care to elaborate on that Hokie?
El Brujo Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I'd go back in time and tell myself to go to med school, and use what I learn to clone women who DO have the ability to LOVE. >:-)
USMCHokie Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Care to elaborate on that Hokie? It all comes down to: "no expectations, no disappointments." Hmmm...I guess I'll start off with a golf analogy, as it makes most sense to me. Oftentimes, when golfers shoot their career low score, they subconsciously set the new bar at that score and expecting to do at least that well from then on. For those who golf, you know that that is hardly the case. Our career low rounds are more like outliers than the norm, and we can't adjust our expectations based on a single event. Otherwise, most of our rounds would be deemed "failures." If we don't play well, we get angry with ourselves and place even more pressure to perform. And when you fail enough, golf isn't fun anymore, and you either play in misery or stop playing altogether. Instead, you should formulate expectations over many rounds...or better yet, expect nothing but to enjoy the sunshine, outdoors, and good company. A good score is just a bonus. Now as it relates to dating, there are two important aspects here. Let's say a "career low round" is the figurative "hottest or most awesome girl you've ever dated." The problem most have is that if you go on one date with the career low round, then suddenly that girl is the benchmark with whom you compare all others. And if a girl isn't as hot as her, then you're "settling"...i.e., you're disappointed, because you've created an expectation of the kind of woman you "should" be dating. This is where you get the issue (from both men and women) that there aren't any "good ones" out there...that's because you expect to shoot a career low round every time you tee it up. Similarly, let's say a "good golf score" is akin to a good relationship or a good date or getting a phone number; whatever is relatively "good" to you. Now, if you happen to get a number here and there, chances are you will create an expectation that every time I talk to a girl, you have to get a number. Not getting a number is considered a "failure" or a "rejection." There are plenty of guys on LS that think just this way. Why not just drop the expectation, and instead of worrying about whether you get a number or a date (i.e., shoot a good golf score), you just enjoy the company and the conversation (i.e., enjoying the weather and the game). AlexCross recently posted a thread about just this...having two quality conversations with women and getting two numbers. He didn't talk about how he tried to "game" a number from them or talk about any dating nonsense. He just talked with them. Sometimes that's all it takes...a carefree attitude free from unnecessary expectations. 1
aj22one Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Don't feel bad. And you'll be pretty frustrated. haha It's worth it in the end though haha.
MrCastle Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 It all comes down to: "no expectations, no disappointments." Hmmm...I guess I'll start off with a golf analogy, as it makes most sense to me. Oftentimes, when golfers shoot their career low score, they subconsciously set the new bar at that score and expecting to do at least that well from then on. For those who golf, you know that that is hardly the case. Our career low rounds are more like outliers than the norm, and we can't adjust our expectations based on a single event. Otherwise, most of our rounds would be deemed "failures." If we don't play well, we get angry with ourselves and place even more pressure to perform. And when you fail enough, golf isn't fun anymore, and you either play in misery or stop playing altogether. Instead, you should formulate expectations over many rounds...or better yet, expect nothing but to enjoy the sunshine, outdoors, and good company. A good score is just a bonus. Now as it relates to dating, there are two important aspects here. Let's say a "career low round" is the figurative "hottest or most awesome girl you've ever dated." The problem most have is that if you go on one date with the career low round, then suddenly that girl is the benchmark with whom you compare all others. And if a girl isn't as hot as her, then you're "settling"...i.e., you're disappointed, because you've created an expectation of the kind of woman you "should" be dating. This is where you get the issue (from both men and women) that there aren't any "good ones" out there...that's because you expect to shoot a career low round every time you tee it up. Similarly, let's say a "good golf score" is akin to a good relationship or a good date or getting a phone number; whatever is relatively "good" to you. Now, if you happen to get a number here and there, chances are you will create an expectation that every time I talk to a girl, you have to get a number. Not getting a number is considered a "failure" or a "rejection." There are plenty of guys on LS that think just this way. Why not just drop the expectation, and instead of worrying about whether you get a number or a date (i.e., shoot a good golf score), you just enjoy the company and the conversation (i.e., enjoying the weather and the game). AlexCross recently posted a thread about just this...having two quality conversations with women and getting two numbers. He didn't talk about how he tried to "game" a number from them or talk about any dating nonsense. He just talked with them. Sometimes that's all it takes...a carefree attitude free from unnecessary expectations. Yeah but I'm pretty sure in the back of his mind his goal was numbers. I agree but in some ways I don't. When it comes to dating, anything other than a number is a rejection or a failure. At least to me.
USMCHokie Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Now my bitter and cynical advice I know now to young me based on expectation management: Even though a girl might say she is open to dating Asian men, don't assume or expect her or any other girl to actually be open to dating Asian men.
carhill Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 What have you learned about dating and relationship as you have gotten older? If you could go back in time,and give advice to your younger self what would you tell him/her? Have morals and standards which better matched my peer group demographic. Being outlier = being alone. I was too careful with my own actions and gave too much benefit of the doubt to those of others. In this description, I'm describing 'younger self' as being generally from age 16-25, which were prime reproductive/coupling years in my generation and demographic. After 25, most everyone around here was married with kids. In fact, I can look at old movies of pool parties at my place and see that I was the only single person there. Everyone else was married and had kids. They got it right for those times and this place. I got it wrong.
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 What have you learned about dating and relationship as you have gotten older? Not much that I didn't already know at a fairly young age. If you could go back in time,and give advice to your younger self what would you tell him/her? Trust those instincts.
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Nothing. Defeatist mentality. I concentrate on what I can do. I do not have time for what I cannot.
ThaWholigan Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I've learned that there is an entire world within this one in the realm of social interactions, and how important it is to understand them, especially with girls. I also learned that girls really like a lot of things I don't currently have . Soon enough...... If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be "Stop being such a pussy and go and do something"
oaks Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 What have you learned about dating and relationship as you have gotten older? If you could go back in time,and give advice to your younger self what would you tell him/her? Don't get involved in a LDR. 1
Teal Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) "No excuses." Make no excuses for poor and selfish behavior from partners. Don't be guilted, don't forgive silly games, don't allow my needs to be taken off the discussion table, and don't allow myself to be made into the villain while they play the victim no matter how much crying and finger-pointing it results in. It doesn't matter if I care about them and it doesn't matter if they have personal problems. No excuses. Edited July 23, 2012 by Teal 3
Sugarkane Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Have morals and standards which better matched my peer group demographic. Being outlier = being alone. I was too careful with my own actions and gave too much benefit of the doubt to those of others. In this description, I'm describing 'younger self' as being generally from age 16-25, which were prime reproductive/coupling years in my generation and demographic. After 25, most everyone around here was married with kids. In fact, I can look at old movies of pool parties at my place and see that I was the only single person there. Everyone else was married and had kids. They got it right for those times and this place. I got it wrong. Now it's normal to be single and childless at 25. People discourage you from marrying young and having kids young- at Least my parents do.
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 What have you learned about dating and relationship as you have gotten older? If you could go back in time,and give advice to your younger self what would you tell him/her? I wouldn't change a thing. The relationships that failed were the ones that shaped me the most, and I doubt I'd be that great now without those experiences. 1
madjac74 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I wouldn't change a thing. The relationships that failed were the ones that shaped me the most, and I doubt I'd be that great now without those experiences. Is that why you look like a raptor at Sunday service? You should go back and tell yourself to moisturize. I'm totally joking of course!
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Don't invest in the relationship more than you see them investing.
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Is that why you look like a raptor at Sunday service? You should go back and tell yourself to moisturize. All bow before the raptor pope!
oaks Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Don't invest in the relationship more than you see them investing. If both people in a relationship did that, wouldn't it just result in a race to the bottom? My experience in longer relationships is, sometimes, that both people think they're putting in more than the other person.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 If both people in a relationship did that, wouldn't it just result in a race to the bottom? My experience in longer relationships is, sometimes, that both people think they're putting in more than the other person. Yes. Taking things SLOW though and maintaining separate lives while sharing time helps a lot too. I just use to always jump in full force, which would lead to my feelings being hurt for not getting as much back, and scare the guy off for caring too much from the get go. Blah, I am not making much sense am I?
madjac74 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 All bow before the raptor pope! The first thing I thought when I saw that pic was dark crystal. The movie terrified me in so many good and strange ways 1
USMCHokie Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Yes. Taking things SLOW though and maintaining separate lives while sharing time helps a lot too. I just use to always jump in full force, which would lead to my feelings being hurt for not getting as much back, and scare the guy off for caring too much from the get go. Blah, I am not making much sense am I? It's not about taking it fast or slow or having a predetermined pace in a relationship. The pace of the relationship will be dictated by the pace of each individual's contribution to that relationship...and they ideally should be right around the same...so why would you stick around for someone that wasn't as enthusiastic as you...? And why would you stick around for someone that you weren't as enthusiastic about...? Sh*t should be easy...boy likes girl, girl likes boy sorta thing...
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 It's not about taking it fast or slow or having a predetermined pace in a relationship. The pace of the relationship will be dictated by the pace of each individual's contribution to that relationship...and they ideally should be right around the same...so why would you stick around for someone that wasn't as enthusiastic as you...? And why would you stick around for someone that you weren't as enthusiastic about...? Sh*t should be easy...boy likes girl, girl likes boy sorta thing... Completely agree... which is what I have learned I guess. I USED to because I didnt know any better. GO WITH THE FLOW AND BE HAPPY. Bam. That is what I learned.
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