Tree_Salmon Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 So after going back on NC for almost 2 weeks now my ex continues to write me about things. Earlier in the week it was all about how great I am. Today it was about how horrible choices shes made. And also about how her new man isn't cutting it with the family. I don't get this. She goes on to beat herself up and say she should just be single again and stay alone. I dont understand what she wants to hear from me. I'm thinking she's just looking for comfort. And since im no longer providing it shes trying harder. anyone been through this?
Rorschach64 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Nope but you stay strong buddy and don't break NC. 1
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 i still really care about this person but i think if i respond to her she'll just step on me and use me as her comfort zone. A part of me wants her begging to be back together but I don't even know where to start with all this. The best approach may just be to stay away and see what happens. 1
Gulf-Delta Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I've always been honest with my ex. Always. So this would be no different. I would tell her I was sorry for what she was going through, but fixing her and making her feel better are no longer my job. Knowing me, I'd probably say something mean, just in the heat of emotions.
Kovalchoke Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Hi I'm wondering how long has it been since you two broke up? and how fast did she enter this rebound relationship?
KatZee Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 So after going back on NC for almost 2 weeks now my ex continues to write me about things. Earlier in the week it was all about how great I am. Today it was about how horrible choices shes made. And also about how her new man isn't cutting it with the family. I don't get this. She goes on to beat herself up and say she should just be single again and stay alone. I dont understand what she wants to hear from me. I'm thinking she's just looking for comfort. And since im no longer providing it shes trying harder. anyone been through this? I'd have to say she's most likely disappointed with how the new relationship is working out, she probably had so many hopes and expectations for it and now it's not working how she thought it would. This doesn't mean she wants you back at all. She could be reliving the good / old times with you, and the failing new relationship is making her look back with rose colored glasses. My most recent ex pulled this with HIS ex. He left a LTR with her, because he had fallen for me. We had an amazing first 3-4 months (so i thought) but I found out around our 2 year mark that he had run back to her during our 4th month together. He started confiding in her that things weren't going great with us (really news to me since at this point he was EPITOME of perfect boyfriend on all levels). He actually cheated on me with her at that point, he had "become confused" so he says... and he thought he wanted her back. So they had a mini fling for a week and then he realized "woops, now I realized why I left you the first time around" and he never went back to her, he stayed with me. He hurt her pretty bad bc she hung around at that point waiting and thinking he would leave me and go back to her. He never did. Don't put yourself through that torture. She definitely should NOT have gotten in a relationship so soon, she needed to clean up her own issues with you first, and have been single for a little while and that's what she's having trouble with. She's confused, and she's messing with two people now. Keep the NC. 1
Ruby65 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Exes feel lonely and unappreciated and miss that feeling of being so important to someone. She knows you're hanging on her every word, and it strokes her ego and makes her feel loved and special. She's just using you. I had an ex who'd write me every 6-9 months, whenever he was between girlfriends, just because he was feeling boozy and lonely and sorry for himself. I never replied, but finally after a few years of this I told him to stop writing, that I was sick of his self-pitying b.s. and to leave me alone. I'd ask her to stop contacting you, and let her know all future emails will be deleted unread from now on. 4
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 I don't like acting like somebody else but dodging her may be the only option.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) I don't like acting like somebody else but dodging her may be the only option. Hey man, do what's right for you. There's a lot of people here who are trying to tell you what THEY think is right. Well, only you know what is right for you and your ex. No one here knows you, or your ex. Only you do. Take all advice with a grain of salt. There are many people here who think they know what's what, but they aren't in your shoes. Do what you need to do. You're the only person that matters in your situation. If you end up hurt...well everyone is entitled to mistakes and lapses in judgment, especially in situations like this. The thing is, life is about consequence. No one ever accomplished anything in life (good or bad) by just sitting around thinking about ****. Light whatever fuse you need to light. Things will either be fireworks, or TNT...how long the fuse is...no one knows. Be yourself, you have no other choice. You know you. You know her. Life is full of mistakes and successes. Whether this experience in your life will be a success or mistake, no one freakin knows. Edited July 22, 2012 by Gulf-Delta 1
ladyabstrused Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 You've been giving her comfort even when she didn't tell you she was having problems with her rebound guy. And when she told you about it, you were still giving her comfort. Where does that leave you? Still at the same place. Even more hurt, I suppose. I think you know what to do, Tree. You're just thinking all this because being the nice caring guy you are, you still care about her. But does she care about you or how it makes you feel, all those times she looked for you just to find comfort?
ScienceGal Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 If he is so bad then why is she still with him? If be very weary of someone who is incapable of being alone. 2
Sugarkane Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Wow and dumpers like to label us crazy! They sure ate hypocrites. How do you think she would act if you did the same to her? She would probably laugh at you.
Stanza Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Agree with Gulf Delta, I'd reply saying something but not in a 'I can fix it way'. I think though this is your chance to get in there in terms of presence if you want her back. you have to keep communication if you want her to see you're still the one she wants etc. it's a hard time. I think you have to go with gut instinct, only you and her really know why things unravelled to start with and only you and her can judge if it's going to work again.
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Agree with Gulf Delta, I'd reply saying something but not in a 'I can fix it way'. I think though this is your chance to get in there in terms of presence if you want her back. you have to keep communication if you want her to see you're still the one she wants etc. it's a hard time. I think you have to go with gut instinct, only you and her really know why things unravelled to start with and only you and her can judge if it's going to work again. I've always followed the same idea as you guys. Just have to say what you want at any time. As long as you're confident it doesnt matter what you say. Going into some kind of game where you dodge each other will only make things worse. Unless you want that other person to disappear forever. But I don't really work that way. Sometimes though its best not to say anything. Maybe a quick sentence reply but thats about it. She knows me well enough after 5 years. She knows what im thinking. 1
Stanza Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 It's true, ignoring it will put you in a no-communication zone and she will think you have no interest. It's not the time to do it (imo). I think though that you have to guard your heart as well. The reply is really tricky, I agree!!! I would probably not say that 'I'm sorry to hear it' or mention him or anything. You could try saying nice to hear from you, sorry it's tough times, and maybe we can get a coffee in a couple of weeks and catch up. Then she has some weeks to get through some of the rebound BU? Also sends a between the lines message that for the next two weeks you're not her crutch to lean on because of the BU. For that she has to go to her GFs. hmmm, tricky.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 It's true, ignoring it will put you in a no-communication zone and she will think you have no interest. It's not the time to do it (imo). I think though that you have to guard your heart as well. The reply is really tricky, I agree!!! I would probably not say that 'I'm sorry to hear it' or mention him or anything. You could try saying nice to hear from you, sorry it's tough times, and maybe we can get a coffee in a couple of weeks and catch up. Then she has some weeks to get through some of the rebound BU? Also sends a between the lines message that for the next two weeks you're not her crutch to lean on because of the BU. For that she has to go to her GFs. hmmm, tricky. The tihng about that is, she may not CARE if he has interest or not. I know my ex probably doesn't 1
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Chances are she doesn't care. She'd be here if she did.
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 She also told me shes dreaming about me
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Just WORDS which can mislead and lie. What do her ACTIONS say? Broke up with you, dating, sleeping with and in another relationship with a guy. No woman and your Ex is never going to respect a guy that gladly offers to be "friend zoned", emotional tampon, a shoulder to cry on and begs and pleads to be a rebound from the guy / loser they are with. You were in her current BFs shoes not long ago and now you are honored and proud to be the "other guy". You should be offended. If she leaves the "other guy" for you... you will quickly find yourself on the receiving end of her leaving you for another "other guy" soon enough. The way you get them, is the way you lose them. This girl is lost, doesn't know who she is, what she wants, has any clue what love is, drama queen and wants to date around and get attention from males. She isn't relationship material and probably won't be until she is older and matures which is going to be YEARS from now. Simply put.... You two want to different things, are in different places in your lives and even if she did want what you want, she isn't mature or capable of honestly giving it to you. It's funny how I forget stuff like this is completely true. You have it down. This is the complete truth.
Sheppy99 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Had this exact situation happen to me in my last relationship. We broke up in aug, she was already dating someone by sept. I tried to be her friend in sept but was just too hard and went strict NC. By decemberish I was completely over her. The test was to think of her with another guy and at that point she was still dating the same guy, didn't bother me. We actually became great friends again. What's funny is when we first started hanging out she would go on about how amazing he was and how he is the love of her life (only to gauge my reaction) but because I was over her completely she didn't get one. Soon it turned too what he was really like. Loser who sat in his parents basement playing video games all day and calling in sick to work. I was so over her that the times we hung out I would actually drop her off at his place. Didn't bother me at all. Fast forward to the spring, they have broken up and she is hinting pretty hard at getting back together. She's planning our entire summer together already and where we're gonna go etc etc until finally I said, I hope you don't have the wrong impression but we're not getting back together. I just want to be friends. And our friendship went down the ****ter after that lol. Moral of the story, go NC until you don't care if she's with another guy. Than when you come back, you'll have all the power and be able to make a better decision if you should take her back or not cause she will ultimately want you back. I guarantee it. The only thing that would screw that up is you still not being over her and acting jealous or needy. The NC may also speed up her decision making process in kicking the rebound dude to the curb as she starts to feel the void of you not being there and wondering what you're up too. 1
Kovalchoke Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Had this exact situation happen to me in my last relationship. We broke up in aug, she was already dating someone by sept. I tried to be her friend in sept but was just too hard and went strict NC. By decemberish I was completely over her. The test was to think of her with another guy and at that point she was still dating the same guy, didn't bother me. We actually became great friends again. What's funny is when we first started hanging out she would go on about how amazing he was and how he is the love of her life (only to gauge my reaction) but because I was over her completely she didn't get one. Soon it turned too what he was really like. Loser who sat in his parents basement playing video games all day and calling in sick to work. I was so over her that the times we hung out I would actually drop her off at his place. Didn't bother me at all. Fast forward to the spring, they have broken up and she is hinting pretty hard at getting back together. She's planning our entire summer together already and where we're gonna go etc etc until finally I said, I hope you don't have the wrong impression but we're not getting back together. I just want to be friends. And our friendship went down the ****ter after that lol. Moral of the story, go NC until you don't care if she's with another guy. Than when you come back, you'll have all the power and be able to make a better decision if you should take her back or not cause she will ultimately want you back. I guarantee it. The only thing that would screw that up is you still not being over her and acting jealous or needy. The NC may also speed up her decision making process in kicking the rebound dude to the curb as she starts to feel the void of you not being there and wondering what you're up too. Hey man, I'm in the process of NC right now. Haven't talked to my ex for about a month and she's already dating this guy (who has a bad rep) since early July about a month after we broke up (late May). What happened to you seems so impossible but also makes me a bit excited (if that makes sense). But the thing is, the last thing we said to each other was basically "get out of my life". Would that make any difference as to whether or not she would miss/want me back? We dated for over a year and a bunch of stupid crap went down. We broke up two months ago and I still think about her alot. I'm starting to get over her though. Do I have to be friends with her like you did in order for her to miss me and the old times? Oh yeah. And last week I was at a buddy's house with some other friends. My buddy's cousins with my ex and after I left they talked to each other and my ex asked him "was Jon (me) at your house". I know I shouldn't bother with this but that seemed kind of weird!
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I've noticed that the quicker you move on the better it is all around. You start to feel better and then they start wanting you again. Thing is you want to be in a place where you could live with or without your ex. Then you can make a rational decision about the whole thing. Right now you seem way too emotional still. Let her go and see how things go. 1
Kovalchoke Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I've noticed that the quicker you move on the better it is all around. You start to feel better and then they start wanting you again. Thing is you want to be in a place where you could live with or without your ex. Then you can make a rational decision about the whole thing. Right now you seem way too emotional still. Let her go and see how things go. I know! I don't know what's wrong with me. Dating for over a year and it's been 2 months since the breakup, but I still dwell on it. The thing is I'm doing alot better without her. I just can't stop thinking about how bad everything went down in the end despite how good i treated her.
Author Tree_Salmon Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 I know! I don't know what's wrong with me. Dating for over a year and it's been 2 months since the breakup, but I still dwell on it. The thing is I'm doing alot better without her. I just can't stop thinking about how bad everything went down in the end despite how good i treated her. One year is nothing man. Pick up and move on. Be happy it was that short. So much better out there.
Follower Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Wow lets not just kick someone to the curb like that, 1 year can be a long time for some people and its all perspective... if your 15 1 years 1/15th of your life thats HUGE.... If your 50 not so much... But on your situation treeman im sure youll make the right choice if it were me id be telling here to go where the sun dont shine cos you dont sound like your over her or ready to be dealing with her emotional garbage
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