dinosaur Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Generally speaking, I'm a logical person and tend to follow what makes sense. I know - know, know, know that if we get back together we'll just break up again because he's so unsure of himself. I literally decided not to go to summer school (I'm going to be a 4th year in college) and fly thousands of miles away to literally the other side of the world for the summer just to stop myself from seeing him because he always finds a way to suck me back. I'm writing this instead of sending him an iMessage. I am so, so afraid of going back home. I just don't feel strong enough. What do I do? How do I stop myself? I'm just going to vent, so this will probably be long - sorry. You don't have to read it all - feel free to skim. I'm in my early 20s and he's 4 years older (he graduated 2 years ago and moved a few hours away because he got his dream job so we've been kind of, sort of long distance recently though we see each other often enough). The real problem is that I met him the end of my freshman year (I was not a virgin then) and I was way more experienced than he was (he was a virgin) and this has always been the problem for him. He's fairly nerdy and is a major workaholic so he does really well at his job, but he's not as much of a social butterfly as I am. He's always very sweet and spoils me and he's never been controlling or angrily jealous/scary or anything, but he's always insecure since he feels he hasn't had enough "experience" with other women so he's not sure he can settle down which is why we always end up breaking up. We do have a very sweet, gentle but intense bond though which is why I think one of us (it switches off a lot) contacts the other eventually and the other just caves. I know it's crazy but every time we break up I hope he'll finally find some girl and get this experience he's craving but he always comes back to me. It probably doesn't help his insecurity but I'll admit I've seen other men while we were broken up but he's never seen anyone else except two very brief physical affairs years before we met. It's been 3 years now so I know it's time to move on - I'm not stupid, but I need help. My family and friends have been very supportive - my dad visited and then 3 of my best friends stayed over nights for weeks on end so I wouldn't be alone (they admit they really love him too and he's very sweet, but it's just not meant to be because we keep breaking up) but the only people I know in on again/off again relationships seem very violent/angry in their relationships so I feel as if I can't relate to any advice they have. At first I thought it was going to work itself out once he finally go over that "I've never been with anyone else" stage and the only time we've ever had a argument is the few times he's stated he would like to get married and he's very serious about me but he just can't let go of his ego marrying his first serious girlfriend when I've been with so many other guys. That seems very unfair to me because I've been very supportive of his inexperience and shyness especially since his friends teased me too about being with a virgin before we had sex (I really didn't think it was a big deal at the time - I thought it was just boys being boys). For a short while I even agreed to have an "open relationship" where he could try to find some short lived affair but he literally never finds anyone else. I really don't mean to put him down, but the only reason he found me is that I was his little sister's best friend. I just don't even know where he would even meet a girl. Maybe date another one of her friends? I know it's not his fault - he works at a big firm with only guys, all of his friends are nerds, and he doesn't even really know anyone to introduce him to girls but I think I've gone mad. I mean, here I am trying to find a girl for my boyfriend to sleep with so he can finally just commit? That doesn't make any sense. I'm not trying to be egotistical or anything but I went from being an independent, head-turner that dated bad boys one after the other to finally dating what I thought was a good guy for once especially since I could finally find someone to talk to about my school work, and math, etc and I feel like I really got screwed over because I've let him take over my happiness. I do love him so and I know he's crazy about me, but recently I don't really know who broke up with who but we decided to break up again. It was really odd because we went on a two week long trip to NY (his company has an office there so he just worked half days) where he literally showered me with gifts and shopping, expensive hotel etc and just couldn't spend a minute not around me. A week and a half into being home and he suddenly says he doesn't want to visit me for the weekend - I kind of overreacted I think. I wasn't vicious or anything, but said I was upset he was always so hot and then cold and he thought I meant he should break up with me - so he did. He still helped guide me though a few of my assignments (sometimes I panic at the beginning and he tries to work out a plan for my solution just to assure me it'll actually work etc, so I can ask him questions since he used to help teach some of these classes - though the last one I figured out all on my own) and I tried to talk to him as little as possible literally. I've gotten a lot better at not asking for too much tutoring help recently even though it's an open resource for everyone. I got home about 8 weeks later, and 2 weeks after that (probably the longest we haven't really contacted each other) I was at a bar with some of my friends from high school and my friend didn't know we had broken up and asked him where he was since I was super drunk and would definitely need help getting home since too many guys were eyeing (as a joke - which is something that always bothers him too when people comment on how often I get hit on). After he told me he sent it I was trying to explain we broke up and literally mid story he showed up and awkwardly tried to be "friends" - and, ugh, I went home with him. I literally wanted to tear myself to pieces. Why? Why, why, why? I cried to him and told him he was awful to me always stringing me along and he agreed and said he cried himself to sleep and couldn't see anyone else (apparently some girl at his office had made an advance) because he didn't want to let me go but he thought he made me so unhappy since he was so insecure, etc and he felt like the worst human being. He always does this. I saw him night and day 24/7 until my flight out and I told him "what if I don't come back" and he just simply said he was going to come visit when I came back for school no matter what. But it's so wrong! It's not going to work; he's not going to change. Maybe he's even found someone else by now? Maybe he's already deeply in love. I've gone through the entire break up process with him and the during the 3-4 days I saw him before my flight it felt like closure to me. I mean, I didn't feel sad or attached like I normally am. Most of the time I don't even think about him any more, but I really am afraid it'll be different when I go home since I won't be all vacation happy and having lots of fun/ being busy with my friends and family. At home I feel more lonely since I can't constantly be distracted and far away and it's so easy to contact him. I really do wish it had worked out because in a lot of ways I feel like he's my soulmate or something crazy - but I can't fix him. Another problem is I feel kind of like a sexual object for men; like they love being physically with me and get addicted to that and I have a hard time forming meaningful relationships even though I have a very easy time forming loving friendships and am very close with my family. Even if I wait weeks or months to sleep with someone it always gets more physically intense than anything else and I feel like some kind of pawn, like I have no real value beyond a sexual experience. I feel like almost all of my relationships have been in some way face paced where the guy is buying me nice things and trying to impress me to get me in bed. I've had people tell me I'm so lucky lots of guys want me but they don't really want me. Part of it, I guess, is I feel like maybe he wouldn't have stayed if he had sex with someone else. Maybe the only reason he did stay was to have sex with me - maybe the reason no one will honestly commit to me is because I have nothing of value beyond my looks. Maybe that's all I'll ever be to anyone until I age and my beauty fades and I'll be nothing to anyone.
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