Demeter Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Before I go on all I ask is not be judgemental since that is the last thing I need right now. Anyway, last year during a group dinner, my boyfriend's friend has a thing for me (according to him) and he flirted with me. I have no feelings for this guy whatsoever and never have (and never will) and during the outing I thought all my actions was being friendly and nice like laughing at that guy's jokes and smiled when he says something funny (when it's actually funny and not forced or anything), joking around about random things. I thought that I was just being friendly or just having fun but from my boyfriend's perspective, I was "clearly" flirting with him and have a thing for him and now he's extremely jealous and pissed off that now he's continously brings this up against me and keeps yelling at me and calling me names. I had no intentions of hurting him and my boyfriend is the only guy for me but now almost every month he keeps bringing this up and everytime I explained my perspective, he doesn't listen to me and doesn't believe me. If you ask my friends, I'm the type that you can say that I'm naive and can't tell the difference between just being friendly or flirting, I honestly can't. What should I do because clearly I can't defend myself and he's just going keep blaming me on this saying that it's my fault that I did this and that I'm a sl**, etc. What should I do? I understand if he felt hurt about it, but it upsets me just as much.
veggirl Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Your boyfriend is verbally abusive! Calling you a slut for laughing at jokes and making conversation? God. He is acting like he caught you giving the guy head under the table! Seriously his reaction is ridiculously over the top, I would tell him "I interacted with your friend like I interact with EVERYONE ELSE. If you can't accept that, then go." Although tbh the second he started calling you a slut and stuff, you should have walked. Self-respect... 3
serial muse Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 He actually called you a slut? There just isn't any excuse for that. There is nothing that's going to make that OK. Assuming for the moment that you don't want to take veggirl's advice and walk (which you really should reconsider)...perhaps you could give a little more info about the relationship in general. Is this a completely isolated incident or a pattern in your relationship? Does he call you names, or give you a hard time when you want to talk with/hang out with other people? Is this friend the only person that he's ever given you a hard time about? 2
darkmoon Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 he's raking up the past in order to keep you under his thumb and/or hold power over you - tell him that was then but this is now and see how he takes it, hopefully he'll stop 2
pteromom Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 "You and I are never going to agree on this. I wasn't flirting with him. I am not attracted to him. I didn't do anything with him. That's the end of it. I do not want this to come up again. Anytime you bring this up, I am walking out of the room and will not engage in discussion about it." Although I agree that him calling you a slut is a HUGE red flag and you need to look carefully at your relationship for other signs of emotional/verbal abuse. 3
Author Demeter Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 He actually called you a slut? There just isn't any excuse for that. There is nothing that's going to make that OK. Assuming for the moment that you don't want to take veggirl's advice and walk (which you really should reconsider)...perhaps you could give a little more info about the relationship in general. Is this a completely isolated incident or a pattern in your relationship? Does he call you names, or give you a hard time when you want to talk with/hang out with other people? Is this friend the only person that he's ever given you a hard time about? He doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with other people. I guess is a pattern because there has been other incidents and is the same thing. He is not the only friend that this happens to. It seems like everything I talk to a guy and when is something that I thought was innocent or just being friendly, I'm automatically flirting and I want to screw him or something subconsciously..which is not the case at all. "You and I are never going to agree on this. I wasn't flirting with him. I am not attracted to him. I didn't do anything with him. That's the end of it. I do not want this to come up again. Anytime you bring this up, I am walking out of the room and will not engage in discussion about it." Although I agree that him calling you a slut is a HUGE red flag and you need to look carefully at your relationship for other signs of emotional/verbal abuse. Thanks for that advice pteromom. I honestly did say that to him like since he's not going to believe me anyway, why should I even bother arguing back or putting my perspective out there. Because no matter what I say, it never goes through and when I'm slient about it (like last night), is like a confession but I'm just not admitting it. Is like a lose-lose situation..
pteromom Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Thanks for that advice pteromom. I honestly did say that to him like since he's not going to believe me anyway, why should I even bother arguing back or putting my perspective out there. Because no matter what I say, it never goes through and when I'm slient about it (like last night), is like a confession but I'm just not admitting it. Is like a lose-lose situation.. That's why you tell him upfront what your silence means; that you will not engage in further discussion about this issue and that you are walking away whenever it comes up. And you do it. 1
Author Demeter Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 he's raking up the past in order to keep you under his thumb and/or hold power over you - tell him that was then but this is now and see how he takes it, hopefully he'll stop Unfortunately I did say that and he just said that it still happened and I can't change that..
InJest Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Break up with him now and save yourself the hassle. Dude will probably 'revenge' cheat on you for it in the long run. 1
Author Demeter Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 That's why you tell him upfront what your silence means; that you will not engage in further discussion about this issue and that you are walking away whenever it comes up. And you do it. I will do that. Will it be wrong if I told him that what he's doing to me now feels like verbal abuse like veggiegirl said? Or will that make things worst? I feel like I'm spamming my own thread.. 2
darkmoon Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Unfortunately I did say that and he just said that it still happened and I can't change that.. have you said "sorry" ? i'm not saying he's right but say it just to stop this, i think one apology, but if that's no good, well, he is not boyfriend material - hardly a barrel of laughs or love and light is he?!
2sunny Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Break up with him now and save yourself the hassle. Dude will probably 'revenge' cheat on you for it in the long run. A guy who tries to control you that way is not one to keep around! Run!!! 1
serial muse Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 He doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with other people. I guess is a pattern because there has been other incidents and is the same thing. He is not the only friend that this happens to. It seems like everything I talk to a guy and when is something that I thought was innocent or just being friendly, I'm automatically flirting and I want to screw him or something subconsciously..which is not the case at all. Oh dear. This isn't good. This man sounds controlling. I honestly don't think it will help if you apologize. More than likely he will throw that apology right back at you in future, on another occasion when you haven't done anything wrong, as a way to suggest that you copped to it "once". Please don't give an inch on this; it won't make the overarching issue go away. I also don't think that using the term "verbal abuse" to him is going to help, to be honest - I doubt he's emotionally available to hear that, true as it may be. I don't know why you'd want to stay with a person who uses these insults at you and seems to care so little about your wellbeing; but, if you do stay, at the very least please follow the advice others here have given and simply say that you're not going to discuss this topic further because he's not interested in anything but his own suspicions. Maintaining dignity in the face of those wild accusations is likely your best course. At least for the time being. I really do suggest that you think about whether this person is ultimately good for you.
Author Demeter Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Oh dear. This isn't good. This man sounds controlling. I honestly don't think it will help if you apologize. More than likely he will throw that apology right back at you in future, on another occasion when you haven't done anything wrong, as a way to suggest that you copped to it "once". Please don't give an inch on this; it won't make the overarching issue go away. I also don't think that using the term "verbal abuse" to him is going to help, to be honest - I doubt he's emotionally available to hear that, true as it may be. I don't know why you'd want to stay with a person who uses these insults at you and seems to care so little about your wellbeing; but, if you do stay, at the very least please follow the advice others here have given and simply say that you're not going to discuss this topic further because he's not interested in anything but his own suspicions. Maintaining dignity in the face of those wild accusations is likely your best course. At least for the time being. I really do suggest that you think about whether this person is ultimately good for you. Thanks serial muse, I will try to take everyone's advices. I know I have to seriously reconsider this relationship since after telling him how upset I got after this situation he pretty much asked why and said is more him than me (something like that like he should be the one upset and not me). He really doesn't understand that no matter how mad he gets or whatever situation it is, it really upsets me and is not fair. It just that it's been 5 years and he wasn't like this before everything was fine. But this whole thing happened lately starting late 2010. You may think I'm stupid but I just want to see options. Thanks everyone for your inputs, really appreciate the help..
Sebastian76 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 He is controlling and jaloux because he is insecure and afraid of loosing you. What he will get out of it though is exactly that. In time you will either loose yourself and give in to his controlling behaviour or if you have some self esteem left, you will loose all attraction that is left for him - because it is a highly unattractive trait in a man to be insecure. Tell him that you find it unattractive that he gets jaloux in that way. Also put your foot down with regards to the verbal abuse. Say that it has to stop or you will be walking if he does not show you the respect you deserve (and stick to your words!). Also tell him how it makes you feel when acts like that. Right now he sees himself as the victim. He has to wake up and see who is also suffering from his inner struggles. He should probably see a shrink. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have a talk about where line is for what is acceptable in your relationship. -- Seb
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Break up with him because you can do so much better than him and you deserve to be with someone who will treat you right and someone who will not call you names constantly, constantly forcing you to defend yourself 1
dreamingoftigers Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Please leave before you end up like my mother, not allowed to have any friends or leave the house while my father cheats and justifies it by claiming she gave "too much attention" to her friends (I.e. The night nurse he hired to watch my brother.)
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Please leave before you end up like my mother, not allowed to have any friends or leave the house while my father cheats and justifies it by claiming she gave "too much attention" to her friends (I.e. The night nurse he hired to watch my brother.) Yes you should leave 1
Leopard Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 This is an abusive relationship. He is blaming you because he is insecure. This issue is his. Not yours. Unfortunately he is taking it out on you. Please don't let yourself feel down because of this. Soon enough, you will realize what he is doing and you will leave the relationship. Even if I tell you that you need to break up with him, you won't until you have nothing left, and sometimes this is the push that you need to get out. P.S He will justify his actions by telling you "It's because I am so scared of losing you" or "I just love you too much". This. Is. BS! A man who truly loves you would never put you in such a position. He would confront you (if he truly thought there was something going on) like a mature adult, and would never throw blame. Just some food for thought 1
Leopard Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 This type of excuse will only make your boyfriend even angrier. Stop playing dumb. Don't act oblivious. Stop pretending like you don't know what's going on. You're a female. You've been hit on countless times. You went through middle and high school with guys and you for dam sure know the difference between flirting and being friendly. You knew this guy wanted you sexually. You knew it coming in. So you should have made up your mind before-hand to shut him down and not allow any conversation that could even be perceived as flirting. You don't realize it, you probably don't think much of it, but you actually humiliated your boyfriend that day. You allowed a guy who everyone knew wanted you sexually to hit on you and make you giggle and smile as if you were a single girl enjoying attention. You shouldn't need male-attention other than your boyfriend's. The exact same thing happened to me only worse,I made a thread about it a couple weeks ago. I just don't understand why women can't take responsibility for their actions. They always have to play the "naive" or "oblivious" card. Just own up to your actions You have to understand, though, that men can take anything for flirting, even if the girl wasn't being that friendly. And for the record, most men want LOTS of women sexually. So what now? We are supposed to be rude b(tches just because we know someone likes us? 1
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Oh bull****. I had no idea guys were "trying to get with me" when I was younger until they point-blank made a move. A lot of us are raised to be friendly and sociable. Lots of you guys watch porn and go to strip clubs and says it's not cheating. But then we have a CONVERSATION with another human being that isn't sexual in any way and somehow that's slutty.... Again: bullsh*t
nofool4u Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 (edited) Before I go on all I ask is not be judgemental since that is the last thing I need right now. Anyway, last year during a group dinner, my boyfriend's friend has a thing for me (according to him) and he flirted with me. I have no feelings for this guy whatsoever and never have (and never will) and during the outing I thought all my actions was being friendly and nice like laughing at that guy's jokes and smiled when he says something funny (when it's actually funny and not forced or anything), joking around about random things. I thought that I was just being friendly or just having fun but from my boyfriend's perspective, I was "clearly" flirting with him and have a thing for him and now he's extremely jealous and pissed off that now he's continously brings this up against me and keeps yelling at me and calling me names. I had no intentions of hurting him and my boyfriend is the only guy for me but now almost every month he keeps bringing this up and everytime I explained my perspective, he doesn't listen to me and doesn't believe me. If you ask my friends, I'm the type that you can say that I'm naive and can't tell the difference between just being friendly or flirting, I honestly can't. What should I do because clearly I can't defend myself and he's just going keep blaming me on this saying that it's my fault that I did this and that I'm a sl**, etc. What should I do? I understand if he felt hurt about it, but it upsets me just as much. I understand where you are coming from. You were just being nice and civil. I guess it all depends on what your bf saw and if it looked as if you were in to him. Is it possible that in your quest to be nice you might have overdone some of the reciprocation of this guy's flirting with you? All you can do is try to assure your bf that you just didn't want to seem unsociable. Maybe you can ask him just what it was he saw that made him think you were flirting with him. What should I do because clearly I can't defend myself and he's just going keep blaming me on this saying that it's my fault that I did this and that I'm a sl**, etc. Ya wtf??? Either he is a really unreasonable jealous verbal abuser, or something more went on. If all you were doing was laughing a bit at jokes and talking, then the former would be the case. If you were doing alot of touchy feely stuff with the guy, might be a different story, but still wouldn't warrant calling you those things. Might warrant him breaking up if that was the case, but not what he is doing. Edited July 26, 2012 by nofool4u
nofool4u Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 He actually called you a slut? There just isn't any excuse for that. There is nothing that's going to make that OK. Well, yes, there is. If she would have screwed the guy and cheated. But she didn't. So yes, in this case no excuse for his behavior.
nofool4u Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 ...never mind, I understood what darkmoon was referring to
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