Blue2345 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 My wife has taken off on me, but she will return according to her, I just don't know when. The situation is very complicated now. Some people advise me to leave, but I am not sure I can do that as she is pregnant with my (hopefully it is mine) child. The thread started here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/334388-retroactive-jealousy-wife was a fairly simple problem, but I guess it was a read flag or something, as things degenerated into a hellish situation that I could never have imagined in a matter of 10 days. How much of all this could be inexcusable hormones due to pregnancy? I do know staying with this person is irrational, but my sense of commitment is too strong and I feel I need to adapt or something. Any thoughts?
Spark1111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Blue, what exactly is the hellish situation of the last 10 days? Your wife was HONEST when she disclosed her two ONS, yes? And they happened BEFORE you two were meeting for the first time? She told you AFTER you two were in a committed relationship? Married, with a baby on the way? I understand you becoming jealous, but in all fairness, should she have kept it secret from you? You two are married now and about to become parents. Was exactly is the issue? I'm not clear on it. She told the truth about her past. Is it the timeline? Are you afraid the baby isn't your's?
alexandria35 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I read your other thread and I can tell you that this has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones and everything to do with your wife being a dishonest cheater. I can't believe that you came home to find another man in your bedroom with your wife and your reaction was to wait politely in the other bedroom for the other man to leave. Then you say your wife won't tell you who the man was and you ask if you have a right to even ask her? Wow! You might think being the passive nice guy in this situation will get you points with her but I'm telling you it won't. Most women do not respect men who let themselves be treated this way. Especially women like your wife. Had you barged into that bedroom, told your wife to get the hell out of your house and started tossing her things out the door, you would have gotten her attention. She would have sat up and taken notice. Instead you apparently didn't want to disturb the tryst going on in your very own marital bedroom so you waited quietly for them to be done and for him to leave. How nice of you that was. If your wife ever had any respect for you, you certainly killed it with that move.
alexandria35 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Blue, what exactly is the hellish situation of the last 10 days? Your wife was HONEST when she disclosed her two ONS, yes? And they happened BEFORE you two were meeting for the first time? She told you AFTER you two were in a committed relationship? Married, with a baby on the way? I understand you becoming jealous, but in all fairness, should she have kept it secret from you? You two are married now and about to become parents. Was exactly is the issue? I'm not clear on it. She told the truth about her past. Is it the timeline? Are you afraid the baby isn't your's? Didn't you read his update a few days later. He came home mid afternoon to find his wife in their bedroom with another man. When he tried to open the bedroom door his wife ran to the door and slammed it on his hand. So he left. When he came back the other man was still there so he waited politely for him to leave. His wife wouldn't tell him who the other man was and now apparently she has taken off with the guy. The OP mentioned numerous times in his other thread that he's not a jealous guy by nature and he didn't understand why he was acting so jealous now. I think it's because his guts were telling him his wife was not what she appeared.
BetrayedH Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 File for divorce. It will either wake her up to what she is losing or you will at least have documented your filing prior to the birth of this child. Sorry you find yourself here.
Author Blue2345 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I read your other thread and I can tell you that this has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones and everything to do with your wife being a dishonest cheater. I can't believe that you came home to find another man in your bedroom with your wife and your reaction was to wait politely in the other bedroom for the other man to leave. Then you say your wife won't tell you who the man was and you ask if you have a right to even ask her? Wow! You might think being the passive nice guy in this situation will get you points with her but I'm telling you it won't. Most women do not respect men who let themselves be treated this way. Especially women like your wife. Had you barged into that bedroom, told your wife to get the hell out of your house and started tossing her things out the door, you would have gotten her attention. She would have sat up and taken notice. Instead you apparently didn't want to disturb the tryst going on in your very own marital bedroom so you waited quietly for them to be done and for him to leave. How nice of you that was. If your wife ever had any respect for you, you certainly killed it with that move. In fairness to me, I didn't know the guy was still there when I came back and I didn't want to see her or that room at that time. He left when I was in another part of the apartment, but I did have a suspicion that he was still there. The rage I felt at that time, I was not sure what I would do and the last place I want to end up is in a Chinese prison for assaulting some low life man that my wife has chosen to cheat with. Will not be a very useful father in prison and deported. I guess it doesn't matter now because I am not sure I will have any part of my life back at this point, including my unborn child. I did tell her that I will leave, as I am not prepared to throw a pregnant woman onto the street. She begged me to stay, apologized and I agreed hoping to leave this event behind, but of course I have not been the nicest guy since this has happened. I have refrained from shouting at her and such, but I did sarcastically disregard many of her discussions about our future together and so on. In a sense, I guess she tried to moved on and pick up our life where it left off, but I feel distant and hurt and I'm sure she senses every bit of that. Am I wrong for that? Is this why she left? I do think that a week is not a long time to recover from this thing and she should be more patient, but now I feel at fault again. She will answer my text messages, but I don't know where she is. She says she is not with him, but I don't know. What the hell do I do?
Author Blue2345 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Blue, what exactly is the hellish situation of the last 10 days? Your wife was HONEST when she disclosed her two ONS, yes? And they happened BEFORE you two were meeting for the first time? She told you AFTER you two were in a committed relationship? Married, with a baby on the way? I understand you becoming jealous, but in all fairness, should she have kept it secret from you? You two are married now and about to become parents. Was exactly is the issue? I'm not clear on it. She told the truth about her past. Is it the timeline? Are you afraid the baby isn't your's? Those issues have passed. If you had read on, you would realize that the problem I have is with my wife ****ing men in my bed while I am at work.
Author Blue2345 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 File for divorce. It will either wake her up to what she is losing or you will at least have documented your filing prior to the birth of this child. Sorry you find yourself here. Yep, thinking of that, but the legal system here is a bit different and there is an unborn child involved. If she leaves me long enough to give birth without me there, the child will be a Chinese citizen and if we divorce, it will be almost impossible for me to get the baby out of the country without complete cooperation from her. If she comes back and I can get the birth certificate, the child will automatically be a citizen of my country, which means the law won't protect him/her from being taken out of the country. It is horrible to think like this, but I am not the first guy in this city that has had to think or do such things. I just want her back, I want a family.
Silly_Girl Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Do you want her back? Her as she is, behaving how she does? Or when you say 'I just want her back' does that mean 'I just want the pain to stop'?
2sunny Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Those issues have passed. If you had read on, you would realize that the problem I have is with my wife ****ing men in my bed while I am at work. Divorce her as soon as possible. Get tested for std's!
Spark1111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Didn't you read his update a few days later. He came home mid afternoon to find his wife in their bedroom with another man. When he tried to open the bedroom door his wife ran to the door and slammed it on his hand. So he left. When he came back the other man was still there so he waited politely for him to leave. His wife wouldn't tell him who the other man was and now apparently she has taken off with the guy. The OP mentioned numerous times in his other thread that he's not a jealous guy by nature and he didn't understand why he was acting so jealous now. I think it's because his guts were telling him his wife was not what she appeared. Ahhh, stupid me...missed the update. Divorce her. Your instincts of jealousy were spot on. You talked yourself out of them.
Spark1111 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Blue, I wouldn't be sure of anything, sorry. Watch the child be born a little early or a little late. She is pregnant and had run away with another man. I think there is a very real possibility that it is HIS baby and she is trying to change his mind. If not, you are as good as any westerner to be her ticket to support for her and her child. If I was your sister, mother, aunt, friend, I would caution you to demand a DNA test on the baby. Let her afford it to prove to you that it is YOUR child. I smell scam of sorts. Lonely divorced guy met online marries unstable Asian woman and here is a pregnancy and a runaway bride. Hmmm...if it is your child, what would that child be worth to your pocketbook? Sorry blue, but I am blue for you.
GLDheart Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Divorce. File assault charges for the attack in your hand. And prepare to find out that the baby is not yours. Cheating wives concieve much better from thier lovers. Look it up. The combination of them cheating while being most fertile as well as the Orgasms most cheating women have mean that the probability is very high that she concieved from her lover.
Author Blue2345 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Blue, I wouldn't be sure of anything, sorry. Watch the child be born a little early or a little late. She is pregnant and had run away with another man. I think there is a very real possibility that it is HIS baby and she is trying to change his mind. If not, you are as good as any westerner to be her ticket to support for her and her child. If I was your sister, mother, aunt, friend, I would caution you to demand a DNA test on the baby. Let her afford it to prove to you that it is YOUR child. Hmmm...if it is your child, what would that child be worth to your pocketbook? I smell scam of sorts. Lonely divorced guy met online marries unstable Asian woman and here is a pregnancy and a runaway bride. Sorry blue, but I am blue for you. Yes, scam is possible. I just have really bad luck, as I lost my first marriage under similar circumstances in this very city (girl from my country/westerner). Now, I repeat the same again with someone from the other side of the world? Almost laughable, but I am not laughing yet. As for the baby being mine or not, the pregnancy happened while we were away for more than a month. We were on an island and she had her period while we traveled there. Could he have followed us there and done the deed in the few minutes we were apart during the days? I know these details are sort of graphic, but that is how it was. That does not mean that there is no possibility of a scam brewing if the child is mine or not. Hope to talk to her soon. But, why? It is not like she is poor, uneducated or has no support from family and so on?
Author Blue2345 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Divorce her as soon as possible. Get tested for std's! Will do the STD check today. There is a bitter irony in that, as I will check that “married” box on the form and all will assume that I have been out screwing young girls and whores while my western wife sits at home. I will be in line with all those men that are doing that kind of thing and I know very well, as most of the men I work with are doing such things and are even proud of it (Ladies, if your man gets a chance to go to Shanghai for work, GO WITH HIM!. There are “second wife” villages in this city, next to the airport). In short, the role is usually reversed, but that doesn’t mean I would ever want to do that. I could not live with myself if I cheated on someone, even after all the things that have happened. My family knows now and they want me to go home. I guess they are right, as I have lost everything here and it seems a second marriage will be lost soon. All by the age of 31 and in a period of about 5 years. Amazing! She said she will call me this afternoon (it is 730 am here), so I need to prepare what I will say. I thank you all for your comments and suggestions and you can be assured that a lot of them will be directed at her.
Author Blue2345 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 She already called. She is apologetic for all that has happened. She said this guy is someone from her past that has a sort of abusive hold on her. Apparently she talked to her parents and they suggest she signs full custody of the child over to me and use a lawyer to prearrange this if possible. Also, they want her to go home, or leave China to flee this man. Otherwise, they will have to "teach him a lesson." They also send their deepest apologies and state this is a horrible way to treat a guest in their country. Our immigration papers are being processed, so that is possible. As for her, she agrees with the family and has said she will do anything it takes to save our marriage, which includes divorcing and remarrying if that is what is required for me to get full custody of the child. She wants another chance and says time will prove she will be a good wife and mother and that she thought this man from the past was history. She is afraid that I will abuse her too if she returns home, which is why she has not come back. Why would she think that? If I was going to do that, wouldn't I have done it in the week or so leading to her leaving? Maybe I need to link her all this conversation on LS to show her how I vent my anger and frustration when hurt, which is with words, not violence. I really don't know what to believe or what to do. If she really was abused by this person, why wouldn't she tell me? There are ways to take care of such things here, as the family suggests. I don't know about this……. I guess it is to a lawyer after the STD check . Some legal advice before I proceed with anything.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 No need to believe a liar and a cheat. Take care of yourself now. She can look after herself. Did you get tested today - as you said you would?
Author Blue2345 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 No need to believe a liar and a cheat. Take care of yourself now. She can look after herself. Did you get tested today - as you said you would? I will get tested at 10 o'clock. One hour from now.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I wouldn't communicate with her in the slightest bit.
Author Blue2345 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Things can only get better from here I assume. If this is not the bottom, I don't want to know what is. Next in line for testing....this is embarrassing.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Things can only get better from here I assume. If this is not the bottom, I don't want to know what is. Next in line for testing....this is embarrassing. No it's not embarrassing. People get tested every day. Stop thinking you are so important - its just testing that drs do every day. Not a big deal.
Author Blue2345 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 No it's not embarrassing. People get tested every day. Stop thinking you are so important - its just testing that drs do every day. Not a big deal. Yes, in my country it is routine. In China it has a huge stigma and is not anonymous. Serious diseases result in deportation in most cases. Waiting results of an HIV rapid test, as the doc says if she is cheating with a guy that uses prostitutes, that it is quite common that they pay double for sex without condoms. Apparently it is common in the place where my wife comes from, as is IV drug use. He advises it as I did fall ill with the flu about 3 and a half months ago, at the same time I learned of all these things and is the same time she told me about her past. 20 minutes to wait,........
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