Retroactive Jealousy/Wife

[Blue2345]

I posted this elsewhere, but looking for more advice.

 

I am very much ashamed to have to ask this question online, but I don't know where to turn. I do feel embarrassed about this. In any case, I will try to explain as best I can.

 

I have been married a short time and my wife is currently pregnant. We were talking about past things for some reason and she mentioned something that I could not get over. Around the time I met my wife, I was finalizing a divorce from my previous marriage, which had been going on for more than a year.....During those final stages, I started to chat with some women online. I dated some women for a while, but it never went far. I used to talk about this with my current wife, but we did not live in the same area and we never met, just chatted online. She would also talk about her ex-bf and we shared quite a bit. Oddly enough, fate would have it that she would return to work in the city that I work in again, which is also where her ex-bf lives. We agreed to meet on that Wednesday night after she arrived for about a month ahead of time. When she arrived on the Monday, her ex-bf met her at the airport and they slept together that night. I knew about all of this and we discussed in detail and I comforted her, I thought it was quite normal for such things to happen with exes and so on. In any case, we did meet that Wednesday and we have been together since.

In this recent conversation (about 3 months ago), she mentioned that she slept with another guy that Tuesday, one she had know from before as a friends-with-benefits experiment to get over her ex-boyfriend....we met the next day and got together sexually by the next week.

 

When we first got together, I was pretty clear that I didn't want a relationship because I had been recently divorced, but things go the way they go and I fell madly in love with her. From the first time we met in person, not even the first time we had sex together, I know she has been faithful and she has been an excellent girlfriend, wife and I am sure a wonderful mother-to-be. However, I feel an unabashed rage in my heart about this second guy that she never mentioned. I have never been the jealous-type before, but with my current wife, I do feel this overwhelming sense of fear and rage about this guy. I do know he contacts her still, but she never replies and talks about him as a loser...she even went as far as to tell him to stop contacting her because he can't get the hint that no-reply means not interested. I think she sensed my uncomfortableness about him when she did that.

 

I have racing thoughts in my head that keep repeating and I keep questioning whether or not I would have pursued a relationship with her knowing she slept with two different guys in two days then me a week later. I don't know why I have this judgement of her, because she is awesome. Furthermore, I do understand that situations like this, with the ex who treated her bad and getting back together for a one night stand, that the other guy was a rebound sexual encounter to get over the ex-bf who is a jerk. She even went as far as to explain one time that she slept with her ex-bf that night to lead him on to think she wanted to be back together, then cut him out completely, a sort of revenge fling. Finally, I do understand that we had no committed relationship at that time and only met in person for the first time the next day, yet these feelings will not leave after 3 months. Some days I feel sick, some days I feel sort of blocked from her, like I don't really know her or something. How can I get over this? I am not this kind of person and have endured being cheated on in relationships and a marriage. How can I be a good father and husband while dealing with these emotions? Some help please!!!!

[Philosoraptor]

First take a breath and remind yourself of all of the good points that you clearly see in her. Also realize that it is a part of her past and the past has no bearing on who she is today. You say she is fully committed to you so be happy with that.

[Manimal]

I think it's rather normal to feel this way. As you said, she did nothing wrong and it sounds like you're happy and have a wonderful woman by your side. She has been faithful to you and ultimately forthright. It would bug me that she waited so long to tell me about sleeping with a guy just before meeting in person, but unless you both committed to full disclosure of your past, it isn't really fair to hold her accountable, I guess. Why did she decide to tell you now?

 

I think most people, at one time or another, fixate on some part of their SO's past. It's just something you have to process as part of spending your life with another human being. Most of us don't wind up with inexperienced virgins.

[drifter777]

I understand the rage you feel over this second guy. I mean, I get it that you can give her a pass regarding her ex, but screwing the second guy the next night seems pretty slutty to me. I bet you are embarrassed of her for acting like such a skank, and you may even be embarrassed that you ended up marrying a girl that would behave like she did.

 

You are in a really nasty place what with a child on the way. I would strongly advise that you get into counseling as soon as possible. A counselor will offer you feedback to help you think and feel your way through this no matter where it takes you.

[Blue2345]

Our situation is a bit more complicated than I initially let on and counseling, while a great suggestion, is hard to come by where I live. We live in China, and she is Chinese and I am a Westerner. Counseling is quite expensive here and it is not covered under my insurance. Unfortunately, the money for that kind of thing is needed for the pregnancy because we are not insured for that either. I guess I have to go this one on my own.

 

As for why she told me, about 3 months ago the second guy called her. She seemed very disturbed and pissed off by his call, so I asked her what's up with him? He is also a westerner and the ex-bf is Chinese, so I could understand this conversation completely. She was very polite to him and said something like they can meet up for dinner, but she said she never intended to meet him again hoping he would get the hint by not returning calls and emails. I guess he did not stick to the friends-with-benefits arrangement that they had before when she was living in this city because he wouldn't leave her alone, so she told me about everything. This guy sent a message last week and she showed me. I was sort of pissed off about it, so I told her if this guy is worth keeping as a friend, then you need to tell me so I can accept that. However, if it was just a sex thing, then I do think it is appropriate for him to contact you and you need to tell him to stop explicitly. She chose the latter, but I guess time will tell if he backs off or not. Usually I wouldn't care about such things much at all, but this time I did and it is still sticking with me. It is ruining my life in some respects.

 

I did ask her at that time why she didn't tell me 3 months ago. At first she acted like it is no big deal, but then she said that the behavior was far too uncharacteristic of her and that she feared I would not be interested in her if I knew about it. She was right about that because as a general rule, I don't get involved with women who are sleeping with more than one partner at a time and certainly not those who use sex for purposes other than pleasure, liking someone, love etc….but certainly not revenge. That being said, there is a strong cultural aspect to this too. A lot of Chinese bf's are quite rotten to their women and her ex is no exception to this. This second guy was "used" to break away from being a "traditional" girl in her words. Having been here for some time, I completely understand what she is talking about, but don't really approve of the behavior I guess. When we were just online friends at first, she could have talked to me about this second guy, but she never mentioned him at all. I guess she was confused of his intentions, was being used, was not over her ex-bf yet, or a whole host of things that are not my business at all because it is her past, not mine. Furthermore, I was in no uncertain words leading her to believe that we would have a relationship, I was explicit about us being friends only, so why do I have these retroactive feelings now?

 

I look at the words I am typing and I see that I am able to rationalize the whole thing and that I am not really the kind of guy that cares too much about people's past. I have never had a relationship where I wasn't cheated on, including my failed marriage, so I sort of assume that is just what people do to me. However, with my wife, I wholeheartedly fear that happening. Is this true love? Is the formation of jealousy at this time in my life indicative that I have found the one I truly care about? I really want this feeling to go away, because I love my wife dearly and look forward to our family and life in two countries (mine and hers). I don't understand why it won't go away because I understand the irrationality of it all. I see the problem, but I can't solve it. Has anyone conquered a problem like this? How?

Edited July 7, 2012 by Blue2345

[Philosoraptor]

I'm not sure anyone can answer the "why" about what you are feeling... but you need to understand that it's part of her past and nothing can change it. It's up to you to make the decision of whether to or whether to not let this go. Worry about what she is doing now, not what she did before you two even met.

[utterer of lies]

You are jealous about the second guy because you see him as a threat.

 

Her ex is chinese, but the second guy is like you. Maybe it's some form of subdued racism, or just your experiences in how differently western people are treated in china.

[Blue2345]

Already feel better about this. I think writing it down and hearing responses helped a great deal. I guess the second guy I do perceive more as a threat due to his contact with her being recent.

 

Western people are treated very differently in China, which is why we are leaving soon.

Our child will be mixed, as they say, so my wife is not keen on how he/she will be treated as a result. We will try a multicultural country where our taxes will actually pay for his/her education, health care and so on.

 

There is so much to look forward to in the future and the present is wonderful. This negative feeling is really petty, but intensely annoying. I am glad I found this forum because I don't have a whole lot of friends here that I can talk to about personal sort of things and it would have broke my heart, and hers, to bring up this topic, especially while pregnant.

 

That gnawing feeling in my gut has diminished and I am still wondering why at this time in my life, after so much heartbreak and painful relationships, my mind would turn on me like that and make the ONE good relationship an issue. I know I have suppressed a great deal in my life and maybe this has finally emerged as a psychological dilemma that has no basis in present experiences, like a remnant of a reaction I should have had years ago. I will investigate once I get back to the west so I can hopefully offer help to some others facing similar problems because right now I have no answers about how it really came about or how it diminished....it just did. Thanks for the replies.

[GLDheart]

You are bothered because your wife is bothered. He is clearly bugging her AND getting an emotional response (she calls him loser etc). If she was completely undisturbed by him then you would be too. You are sensing some leftover feelings here... an awkwardness if you will.

 

Your wife IS trying to push him away but you are clearly aware of human behavior. Who knows... every realtionship hits a ruff patch... maybe then he will swoop in at the perfect time!

 

If what I am saying is striking a chord with you, GOOD! Now take a deep breath and remember your wife married YOU. Not the other guy. If he continues to ignore your wifes attempts to push him away, maybe then YOU should send him an email telling him that you do not appreciate him contacting your wife.

 

I am perfectly fine letting any woman I am with handle her boundaries with other men. It is when "those guys" don't get the message that I then feel it is time to step in and make sure it is heard loud and clear.

[Blue2345]

Well, I guess it is time for an update. Things did not go well. I never talked about my feelings with her, but I guess I should have because some of those feelings may have been my instinct telling me something was wrong.

 

We recently moved to a bigger apartment that is closer to the place where we work and more comfortable for a soon to be family. She has been quite ill with the pregnancy, so I arranged for her to have Monday off work to relax in the new apartment. I figured it wouldn't be very relaxing, as everything still needed to be unpacked. I unpacked most things that Monday night, so she also took Tuesday off and I was unexpectedly able to have the afternoon off, so I went home.

 

When I got home, I could hear the dog barking inside, which was strange. When I went in, the master bedroom door was closed and the dog was barking trying to get in. I announced that I got home early and started to open the door and I heard her run across the room and she shut the door on my hand, which caused an injury to two of my fingers. I knew at that time that my worst fears had come true, she was in there with some man. Not wanting to upset her because she is pregnant, I left for a while, then I returned to sit in the baby room. While I was sitting in there, the man finally left. She tried to talk to me, to which I replied, "can you tell me who that was?" She said, "no." It is now Monday and we are at work together, but we haven't spoken since Tuesday.

 

I don't know what to do, as now I am really jealous, torn up inside and feel hurt that she would do this and not even tell me who she was with in my own house. I guess I really need help now, as in how to get over the pain, but also how to deal with the jealousy that is to follow, the mistrust and how to still be a good father and husband, because I do love her even right now. Do I have a right to know who she was with? Do we need to talk about this or should I just let it go and try to forget it? I think I am mostly to blame, as I have started working an evening job to save money for the baby and have hired a housekeeper to help her at home, so I do not spend the first few hours after work with her anymore, as I get home around 8:30 at night. I don't want this to end, but it where do I get the courage to forget?

[Blue2345]

I appreciate the advice AC. I am almost certain it is my baby, as we conceived while away from the city and on a vacation of sorts. There was no one around to the best of my knowledge. However, there are reasons why I don't want to end this, mainly because of the child and that this has happened to me before. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was married before and I ended that marriage for exactly the same reason as what is happening now. There is a common factor in both, which is women cheating on me. This has happened with boyfriend/girlfriend relationships as well. I guess it is bad luck or I am just the type of guy to have a family with, but not be faithful to. How many times does one have to try before the give up and settle? My concern now is that I find the courage to treat her right, despite the hurt I feel. This is the mother of my child and even if it is not my child, there is no one stepping up to care for her at the moment, so it will be mine regardless. I guess I need advice from the cheating forum, as this has erupted into a situation that is no longer just jealousy. It is almost unbearable right now and even more discomforting to know that the only place I can vent is to strangers online! I feel mentally sick and unstable in a way that I have never before….not sure what is next.

[Blue2345]

She left. I guess with him. She's not sure when she will be back and I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I really don't know.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Blue2345

[GLDheart]

oh... this woman is a mess. It's sad to say, but I pray that the baby is not yours.

[GLDheart]

oh... you need to file assault and battery charges against her for the door incident. YOU WILL NEED TO HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE or the gender biased system will have no mercy on you as this nightmare unfolds.

 

FILE NOW.