Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 I don't know what to say. I guess I can understand how you'd feel that way, but I also can't stop feeling bad for someone so distraught that they'd rather die than go on. Did he say what caused the feelings he has for your son? Is it just jealousy, or was there something going on between them? Jealousy, which is ridiculous he's only three years old. If anything my stepson is more spoiled than he is, usually he gets anything and everything he wants (not in a bad way where everything is handed to him, but because he's a good kid) the way we treat our son now is the same as when he was that age. I'm so mad I haven't even said anything to him today. I do feel bad it got to the point it did when he tried to kill himself, but to me bringing my baby into it was the worst thing he could have done. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 You guys obviously need to talk about this, as a family. Maybe in therapy together? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 You guys obviously need to talk about this, as a family. Maybe in therapy together? ^^^^^^Definitely! I completely understand the protectiveness and anger you feel when his emotions seem to be directed at your son...I just want to say that more than likely your son is not the object of his feelings. Your son is just the easy target. He is angry at the adults in his life and he is placing his anger on the "safe" object. I am sorry that things are going this way. May I ask you to reconsider pulling away. I know it is tough (a good mom will always want to protect their children) but you seem to be a steadying force for him. Please go to counseling with him. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Also try to understand that he may look like an adult, but he still has a child's mind. Our brains don't stop developing til we're about 25, so what he's thinking at his age is still that of a kid who is dealing with things the way a kid would. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sky-blue Posted August 8, 2012 Share Posted August 8, 2012 I'm sorry things went this way with your stepson; have they improved at all? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Sorry you're in this difficult position and I can understand you feeling protective of your small son. Something seems to have gone terribly wrong with your step-son. He's ill and suffering from depression but it seems he feels your son is getting something he isn't. I don't know why this arose and it doesn't have to be true. It sounds like you and his dad care for him, though now you're more worried. Where would your step-son spend most of his time, if he could choose? Does he prefer to be at your house or his mother's. Are you getting any sense of him being afraid to be anywhere in particular? I am thinking maybe he's being bullied or experiencing some sort of threat you are not aware of, maybe cyber bullying, or text bullying, or even abuse. Splitting up with his girlfriend could be a major trigger but it is as if he feels he has no-one to fall back on that cares about him or he could trust. I'm just wondering why. I do think he needs to be seeing a therapist and regularly. He needs to work through these feelings to find out what's really behind them, for all your sakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) We've pretty much established that he has put the blame on my husband for all of this. We have no clue why though, we're really trying to figure it out. He is with his mom most of the time, but I think if he could choose he'd want to be with us. I brought up my concern to my husband, he said he had felt the same way when he started to come over, but let it go when he saw that things were going ok when he was with me. He said that the Therapist has even said that spending time with me seemed to be helping. I don't know though, I'm uneasy about having him here with my child... I love this boy as if he was my own, but the thought of him harming my son is getting to be too much. Edited August 11, 2012 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 I don't know though, I'm uneasy about having him here with my child... I love this boy as if he was my own, but the thought of him harming my son is getting to be too much.Am I missing something? Why do you think he would harm your son? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 We've pretty much established that he has put the blame on my husband for all of this. We have no clue why though, we're really trying to figure it out. He is with his mom most of the time, but I think if he could choose he'd want to be with us. I brought up my concern to my husband, he said he had felt the same way when he started to come over, but let it go when he saw that things were going ok when he was with me. He said that the Therapist has even said that spending time with me seemed to be helping. I don't know though, I'm uneasy about having him here with my child... I love this boy as if he was my own, but the thought of him harming my son is getting to be too much. It is not wrong for you to feel uneasy. You are normal. Just keep working on it. I think you are a good influence and kids can feel the love (whether it is genuine or not). Just keep loving him through your fear. He is going to respond and stay with the therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 As far as I know there is no mental illness on either side, the only thing I know from the therapy sessions is the doctor told my husband he is a very sad little boy, other than that I don't get any details. He left a note and the only thing my husband has said is that it was the most horrible thing he's ever read and it took him hours to get through it because of what it said.If you've become the caregiver, you need to know what this is all about. Speak to your husband and get him to share the information. This is key in how to approach and potentially get through to your son. It's concerning that he's flinching away from touch. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 We've pretty much established that he has put the blame on my husband for all of this. We have no clue why though, we're really trying to figure it out.Please understand that, at his age, he is SUPPOSED to blame his dad for his family's break up. It's how boys turn into men. They will find a way to disengage from their dad. It's their job to start having their own opinions. The bad part is they don't understand WHY they're feeling that way, so they become depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) He hasn't flinched away from me again, he keeps hugging me. he hugged me Thursday and didn't want to let go. I didn't make him though... I just whispered in his ear how much I loved him. I make sure to keep an eye on my son in case he gets too close to him. I don't know how much longer I can do it though. If something happens to my son it's all my fault... Edited August 11, 2012 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 He hasn't flinched away from me again, he keeps hugging me. he hugged me Thursday and didn't want to let go. I didn't make him though... I just whispered in his ear how much I loved him. I make sure to keep an eye on my son in case he gets too close to him. I don't know how much longer I can do it though. If something happens to my son it's all my fault... You're doing good. Your baby is safe with you there. Link to post Share on other sites
jimloveslips Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 You guys are really missing something. He has problems and very serious ones. This doesnt just come up out of nowhere. This kid is going through something horrible and that needs to be figured out before he can be helped. Absolutely. You guys need professional help, NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Wolfcub Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Well, somehow I can't forget the phrase about him cutting off his beautiful blonde hair. You know, its little babies who have beautiful hair, whatever colour. When they grow older, at some point they are taken to hairdresser to get a male haircut. Then it stops to be beautiful, its just hair, that has to be washed and cut once in a while. Kind of marks a passage from todler to a boy and man. Maybe he is still in todler mindset? Or was before cutting the hair? Do you let him grow up or keep in forever child situation? At 15 everything is possible, have you ever thought he might be in love also with you? Girlfriend or not. You are not his mother, but you are nice and caring and a woman. That would explain jealousy towards your son. I know it sounds crazy, but whats going on is outside normal. And last - I would not let the 3 year old try to involve the 15 year old into playing. Not because of fear for the little one's safety, but for the sake of the teenager: the age difference is too big, they clearly have different levels of development and interests and what is fun for 3 y.o. is boring and irritating for 15 y.o. And he does not feel good already. It may appear to him as if he is obliged to babysit. Maybe he has always felt he is used as free babysiter? Weather or not. He knows he has to be nice towards the baby, but its so annoying. From my experience (I am a woman and have my own children) people with little babies think they are sooo cute that everybody admires them and wants to hold them. Actually if somebody presses their baby into my hands I want to scream and drop it. Sure, I have been socialised enough to smile, say something silly and return the baby nicely, but the inner feelings are there. I mean you can't assume that each and everybody likes your baby. Maybe you have pushed the todler too hard on the teenager. On the other hand a dog may be helpul. Do you have one? Let the teenager have responsibility over it. I have heared quite many dog lovers say that in their teen years the feeling that the dog will be neglected or euthanised without them has kept them away from any stupid actions, like suicide or running away from home. If you don't have one (oh, I know that will add enermously to your burden!) maybe consider getting one from a shelter, preferably abused and starved, that clearly needs lots of attention, the boy may feel that they are in the same situation, both suffering and understanding each other. Or more tame solution - get in touch with the local canistherapy club. They really do wonders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 (edited) He'd been growing out his hair,it's really blonde and thick, and it was his own choice to do it. I've always thought it was pretty and now it's just gone. He'd used dull scissors and accidentally cut his head while trying to get them to cut. It's been hard to look at, it's just a reminder that somewhere along the line we messed up. My husband keeps joking that maybe he has an orpheus complex, I tell him to stop because it makes me cringe. It's been making me draw back even further, I'm loving towards him just like my own child. Lately I've been getting the feeling maybe I shouldn't be. I just don't want him to feel left out, or that I don't love him. We've actually have never had him watch our son... When we go out my son will go over to a friend of ours house to play and our stepson will stay with his mom or go to a friends. I've never thought playing with him might upset him, he never said anything about it. If that was the case I would've made sure it didn't happen again. He was extremely angry when we told him about the baby after I got pregnant but he seemed to grow used to the idea. We've always taken our cues from him when faced with situations he needs time to accept. We had a dog we recently put down because he was sick. It was really hard on my stepson, we just haven't had the time to get another one and we aren't sure we want another dog. Edited August 17, 2012 by Smashingpumpkinfan Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 He'd been growing out his hair,it's really blonde and thick, and it was his own choice to do it. I've always thought it was pretty and now it's just gone. He'd used dull scissors and accidentally cut his head while trying to get them to cut. It's been hard to look at, it's just a reminder that somewhere along the line we messed up. My husband keeps joking that maybe he has an orpheus complex, I tell him to stop because it makes me cringe. It's been making me draw back even further, I'm loving towards him just like my own child. Lately I've been getting the feeling maybe I shouldn't be. I just don't want him to feel left out, or that I don't love him. We've actually have never had him watch our son... When we go out my son will go over to a friend of ours house to play and our stepson will stay with his mom or go to a friends. I've never thought playing with him might upset him, he never said anything about it. If that was the case I would've made sure it didn't happen again. He was extremely angry when we told him about the baby after I got pregnant but he seemed to grow used to the idea. We've always taken our cues from him when faced with situations he needs time to accept. We had a dog we recently put down because he was sick. It was really hard on my stepson, we just haven't had the time to get another one and we aren't sure we want another dog. You are right to tell your husband to stop that's not funny. I think you are behaving admirably in a very difficult situation. I understand about the dog...I lost my four legged son 5 years ago and I have yet to get another. I am actually considering it for the first time though. Keep up the good work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wolfcub Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 He'd been growing out his hair,it's really blonde and thick, and it was his own choice to do it. I've always thought it was pretty and now it's just gone. He'd used dull scissors and accidentally cut his head while trying to get them to cut. It's been hard to look at, it's just a reminder that somewhere along the line we messed up. My husband keeps joking that maybe he has an orpheus complex, I tell him to stop because it makes me cringe. It's been making me draw back even further, I'm loving towards him just like my own child. Lately I've been getting the feeling maybe I shouldn't be. I just don't want him to feel left out, or that I don't love him. We've actually have never had him watch our son... When we go out my son will go over to a friend of ours house to play and our stepson will stay with his mom or go to a friends. I've never thought playing with him might upset him, he never said anything about it. If that was the case I would've made sure it didn't happen again. He was extremely angry when we told him about the baby after I got pregnant but he seemed to grow used to the idea. We've always taken our cues from him when faced with situations he needs time to accept. We had a dog we recently put down because he was sick. It was really hard on my stepson, we just haven't had the time to get another one and we aren't sure we want another dog. Still this is all how YOU see the situation, what YOU think HE is feeling, what seems to YOU, what YOU want or don't want. If he doesn't say what he feels, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything. Facts show he does. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Still this is all how YOU see the situation, what YOU think HE is feeling, what seems to YOU, what YOU want or don't want. If he doesn't say what he feels, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything. Facts show he does. I agree. I still don't see much sympathy for what HE is feeling. You say you love him and are loving towards him, but if even we can see you aren't, don't you think he knows it, too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 He opened up to me a little this after noon. I've got so many thoughts and emotions running through my head I can't sleep... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 SP, you are now at a point where you need a professional's help to deal with this. This isn't just something you figure out on your own - you have a lot of weird thoughts and feelings going on, and a therapist can help you sort it out, see it for what it is, understand what it's telling you, and give you a direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 And I'm proud of him for opening up; it's scary for him. And happy for both of you that he's doing it. How about reciprocating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 We did go speak to his therapist about him two days ago (me, my husband, and his mom). He would've liked for her boyfriend to come but someone needed to watch him. He told us to not tell him where we were going because it might set him off. He wants us all to go to counseling together because we're a co-parenting unit, he said that the way we talk to him we sound like grieving parents. As if our son did die and he doesn't think that's normal. He said he doesn't have a mental illness in the slightest, it's depression for sure. He is however almost positive he'll start to go backwards and very soon... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Please do what his doctor says. This will affect him for the rest of his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smashingpumpkinfan Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 We went out and bought him a chocolate lab puppy Saturday night. We had him stay with his mom for the weekend so we could surprise him with it. My husband stayed home from work today and when his mom brought him over we told him we had something for him. My husband went in our room and got the puppy. When my step son saw him he was so happy he started to cry. It was so sweet. I feel on top of the world 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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