What do you think about men keeping their profession or income private early on?

[maybealone]

I would never dream of asking a man how much he makes. It's none of my business, unless we are at a point where we are talking about living together or getting married.

 

And I would consider any man that offers up information on his income to be bragging. Even if he didn't make much money, I'd still take it as bragging in a "I can live on very little money" sense.

 

As for professions, I would expect at least a generalization. For example, if a man is a manager, he could just say he's a manager. He doesn't have to tell me if it is of a small convenience store or a chain of a hundred auto parts stores.

 

I would probably ask for more details after a few dates, if for no other reason than not wanting to look uninterested in his life. And like Elswyth said, it's a common topic. It's likely to be talked about by two people that meet even if they aren't interested in each other.

[EasyHeart]

I never volunteer my occupation to a potential date, but I can't imagine actually lying about it. How much money I make is no one's business unless we've been exclusive for a long time.

 

A lot depends on context, too. I can see downplaying your occupation on a dating web site, for instance. And I generally try to avoid any serious conversation when I first meet someone and I'm trying to decide if or how I want to ask them out. But once I'm on an actual date with someone, it's going to come up and I'm not going to lie about it. And I wouldn't tolerate my date lying about it.

 

I've run into problems sometimes because a lot of the work I do involves private and confidential information, so I'd be in huge trouble if I talked about the actual work I do. Most women grasp that notion, but I've had women who thought I was "hiding something" because I wouldn't tell them details about my work.

 

And if you're worried about gold-diggers, lying to everyone isn't the answer. It's not terribly hard to spot the gold-diggers after a few dates.

[zengirl]

I've run into problems sometimes because a lot of the work I do involves private and confidential information, so I'd be in huge trouble if I talked about the actual work I do. Most women grasp that notion, but I've had women who thought I was "hiding something" because I wouldn't tell them details about my work.

 

I'm curious, EH, about what constitutes 'details' in this case. I would certainly understand, for instance, a lawyer such as yourself saying, "I can't talk about my cases because they're confidential" in terms of specific clients and case details and so forth (of course lawyers can't!), but if he said that when I asked what type of law he practiced or something like that, I'd be weirded out.

[sally4sara]

I've asked "so what do you do for work?" but expect a general sense kind of answer in the early dating stage. I've never asked "so how much money do you make?".

 

You'd be surprised though how many men, without prompting, offered that info for their own motivations. It was always a turn off. I much preferred to hear that you are lucky enough to do something you enjoy, learn over time that you can meet your own needs with what you're bringing in, and observe if we seem to have similar attitudes about finances to ensure one more level we could be compatible on.

[EasyHeart]

I'm curious, EH, about what constitutes 'details' in this case. I would certainly understand, for instance, a lawyer such as yourself saying, "I can't talk about my cases because they're confidential" in terms of specific clients and case details and so forth (of course lawyers can't!), but if he said that when I asked what type of law he practiced or something like that, I'd be weirded out.

No, I'm talking about responding to "What did you do today?" type of questions. I can say, "I took a deposition" or "I wrote a such-and-such document", but I can't get into the content. Also, it's problematic sometimes on dates because when I was a young pup, my mentors hammered into my brain that you never talk about work in public because "You never know who is sitting at the table behind you."

 

PS: You weren't supposed to tell anyone that I'm a lawyer, remember? I haven't mentioned that on this board.

[Els]

Dude, let me tell you firsthand, the whole rich doctor thing is a bit of a myth. Residents get paid $40-50k. Even after you are finished, huge school loans mean you are not making much more the few years after residency. Add to that the fact that many of us are saving for engagement rings, weddings, houses, etc to try and make up for a decade of lost income and start up costs such as malpractice and equipment and we really are middle class. Most young doctors are driving old toyotas, hondas, and nissans. One friend just got a new sentra and my gf bought a corolla. Those that are driving BMWs out of school are the ones with rich (usually aslo doctor) parents.

 

Precisely. I never, ever got the 'OMG you're dating a doctor!' thing. It's perpetuated more as a social norm, IMO, and I don't think most people, after putting some thought into it, would think that they would reeeaaally want to date a doctor. They don't make more than anyone else until way down the road, and even that depends on the career decisions they make along the way. They work crazy hours and you can never make a definite plan for a vacation weekend without it possibly being overturned. There are times when they do the night shift and you barely see them for weeks at a time. The majority of doctors are either single or dating someone who is also a doctor, or at least in the medical field. Apparently the reason for this is not snobbishness, so much as the fact that they know that their career would be a challenge if they were to be in a serious R with anyone else.

 

There are benefits to dating a doctor who is passionate about his job, but those aren't monetarily related. I love the fact that my bf is passionate about what he does and fulfilled in his job. And I love the perseverance, dedication, and strength of character that it took him to get to where he is from his background. Those are all things that I value a lot in a guy.

Edited July 20, 2012 by Elswyth

[threebyfate]

Anyone can hide anything they want to, during the dating process. Won't necessarily mean they're going to get the results they want. So try it and see what happens. Report back so everyone can learn what/what not to do.

[zengirl]

No, I'm talking about responding to "What did you do today?" type of questions. I can say, "I took a deposition" or "I wrote a such-and-such document", but I can't get into the content. Also, it's problematic sometimes on dates because when I was a young pup, my mentors hammered into my brain that you never talk about work in public because "You never know who is sitting at the table behind you."

 

PS: You weren't supposed to tell anyone that I'm a lawyer, remember? I haven't mentioned that on this board.

 

Oh, I'm so sorry, EH. I thought you had. I wouldn't have otherwise. I almost thought it was in that post itself, but I see now it wasn't. Serious, serious apologies on that.