What do you think about men keeping their profession or income private early on?

July 18, 2012

I was talking to a buddy about this and we kind of seem to agree that in order to screen for good women, its smart for a guy to keep his finances and details about his career private in much of the early going.

When I think about it, I would think this would get rid of less genuine women quicker. You know, the kind of gals that care a bit too much about what you do for a living (whether its gives you a boost or knocks you down in their eyes). I figure that as long as a guy can take care of himself, and doesnt live like a bum, then his business is his business until he knows a gal better.

I was actually watching Scrubs the other day, and at one point Elliot (female doctor) was dating a male nurse....and I wondered how many women outside of the medical field would actually date a male nurse, or male admin assistant....or less educated fields like a city bus driver or garbageman (they still make decent money). And also what about dudes who are underemployed in their field at the moment?

So what say you? I know for me, as long as a girl went to school, and had a plan, I wouldnt be bothered by her career path. Basically Im wondering how much a job title matters, because I already know income can matter a bit....however I think income shouldnt be a huge issue unless a person cant support themselves.

Edited July 18, 2012 by kaylan

July 18, 2012

My best friend and I do a Mutt and Jeff routine on this.... he goes 'well, I work on those thingies that haul pallets around and he (points at me) helps me out when I get stuck'.

This is pretty much how anyone who asks 'what do you do?' gets answered when we're out doing stuff together. So, we come off as a couple of greasemonkeys. Which is true

Lately, I've been telling people that the shop is so lonely I had to go find a house to work on just to keep busy. You know, handyman work. Again, true

I think privacy is a good thing and telling the truth can be fun.

'No, carhill, really, what do you do?'

'Well, I'm inventing a cat palace for RV's'. (Their eyes glaze over)

Next.

July 18, 2012

I wouldn't particularly care about what a guy does for a living so long as I see that he can take care of himself and has a similar standard of living as myself.

I do agree that for the most part this may lead to him losing some prospects.. even those who are not necessarily just interested in money. Some women may find that sort of behavior to be secretive and therefore, off-putting.

-A

July 18, 2012

I was at a Christmas party a few years back and this chinese man (about his sixties) was there (really cool guy but had a little much to drink) and he sat down next to me and said..

"You...you are a good looking guy, you're young and you need to enjoy your youth...go out and travel the world because when you're old and have the money like me it doesn't really matter because everything hurts and you don't really enjoy it, then it's not so fun anymore...too old, too old..."

So I do what I always do I ask about the M word..

Me: "So when do you think a man should get married?"

Him: "Ahhh hahahah...you need to make sure you find a good woman, not a woman that wants you for your money...when I met my wife I didn't have much and my cousin gave me the best advice and he was right...take a girl out in an old car..not a nice one, and take her out in that and don't spend lots of money or try to impress her...If she falls in love with you and still wants to be with you still then you know she really loves you...many women just want something from you..."

::takes another drink::

"And that's what I did and I've been married to her for 40 years! (or something like that) and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, I'm a lucky man...but oh, never let family live with you, that's the other rule...no matter what....just you and your wife, that's it"

This is something I already followed and believed in to a degree, I always wanted a woman that was genuinely into me for who I am not what I have or the "potential" she sees in me giving her that little fantasy future...for me love has always been the priority and everything else was secondary. And I've lived my life without caring about titles, although I would have done things differently I do what I do in my personal life for me, not to appease other women or make myself look like a "total package".

For me that's a huge turn-off If I'm being screened in some way with some superficial list...if you want this life so bad then do it yourself, stop looking for men to create something for you or with you is my opinion.

So a lot of guys out there get an education, buy expensive things and cars to impress with, parade around with their titles, clothes and bank statements in their back pockets, and in big part to impress other people including women. I've known men who's agendas were purely to get laid as much as possible by accomplishing the most in their life that would impress them...sad really and funny enough, these people don't tend to find happiness there's still something missing...but maybe that's just apart of being human.

July 18, 2012

^I def agree with what the old bloke said about inexpensive dating early on. A girl who could love me driving a beater car, going on cheap dates, and not living extravagantly, is def a girl for me.

His wife def sounds great. I want to know a girl will stick with me through thick and thin.

And this part is perfect...Its exactly how I feel.

I always wanted a woman that was genuinely into me for who I am not what I have or the "potential" she sees in me giving her that little fantasy future...for me love has always been the priority and everything else was secondary.

Edited July 18, 2012 by kaylan

July 18, 2012

Finances/income, I can understand not divulging early. I think that it can come across as poor etiquette in some circles to talk about money, especially so early in a relationship, romantic or otherwise.

Job - Fairly early on, I'd want at least a general idea of how he spends approximately a third of his day - I don't need specifics or for any security protocols to be compromised. I just need a general idea.

July 18, 2012

You are not obligated to disclose anything you're not comfortable with, aside from having an std, boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, etc. Major things.

What you make financially is your business. If you're a male prostate or stripper, yes maybe you should disclose that. Regardless, use your best judgement.

July 19, 2012

Money? Fine. No one should be asking anyway.

What you do? Weird. For a woman or a man to keep it secret. It'd be a red flag.

July 19, 2012

I would be like WTF if a guy wouldn't tell me what his job is.

I would NEVER ask how much money he makes. Plenty of careers have a huge range of salaries...I mean you can vaguelly say what you do, it doesn't necessarily tell someone how much you make all the time.

For example, my bf, I've been with him for a year...I know what he does for work, I have no idea how much $ he makes. I could guess a ballpark based on some bills I know he has, and some of his spending habits.

I think once marriage is seriously being discussed, then all that financial stuff needs to be fully disclosed and up until then, it doesn't really. I mean I suppose you will then risk getting involved with someone who is in debt up to their eye balls and living off credit cards, but...guess that's a risk I'd be willing to take cause I would never ask someone I'm not planning a life with about those things. It's just not my business until that point.

July 19, 2012

I dunno Kaylan. Drive what you want to drive. Wear what you want to wear.

Have to believe that the right woman will see the real you no matter what you decide to put on or not put on.

Here's a question... would you date a woman who had a much higher education, money, better car than you?

Do you think she should hide those things from YOU if she were sincerely interested in you and didn't care about those things in men?

July 19, 2012

As an aside: I don't get all this "real you" business. If the real you would drive a beater car, or only can then that's the real you. If the real you would drive a BMW and can, then that's the real you. If you start doing things just to assess someone else, you're no longer being the real you and thus can't be seen as the real you.

A guy who, with or without money, doesn't want to drop a ton of it on a car or anything else frivolous sounds pretty damn good to me, personally (though Hubby does have a fairly pricey car - not a luxury car, thankfully, but a good one, so a guy who does want that in moderation with one or two things is fine too) but a guy who DOES want that and pretends he doesn't because he likes to test people? Sounds pretty lame, really.

July 19, 2012

Talking about how you make your living is difficult to avoid. So I'd tell women that. But I don't tell them about my income.

If asked, which I can't recall ever happening in a "dating" scenario, an effective gold-digger would never straight out a ask question like that -- it may have came up chatting with friends and acquaintances... I'd say I make enough to afford all my music gear. Then I'd skillfully transition to the topic of how I never made one single cent playing music. What's the difference between a pizza and a musician? A pizza can feed a family of four. Instant redirection! We are no longer talking about my income.

July 19, 2012

Personally (and I may be an outlier here), I didn't care what the guy did for a living - as long as he was honest, truly ready for a relationship, and happy with his life. I had (and still have, until December) my own very good job, bills that I pay on my own, etc. I didn't need a financial support system.

The man I met, and fell in love with almost a year ago, was an unemployed GM mechanic who had been given his walking papers after 15 years when the company was struggling and getting government money to stay afloat. He always managed to find odd jobs here and there (he's very good with his hands - haha) and soon he will be starting a new job with a municipal transportation authority. Union job for life, pension, benefits and all that good stuff. I'm very proud of him.

Funnily enough, yesterday I was given my own walking papers after 12 years with the company. I was devastated. He came over last night, and was incredibly thoughtful, supportive and loving. He also said that my attitude towards him, when he was technically a man without a job (and so-called worthless on the dating market), made a great impression on him. I didn't pity him; I was his cheerleader at the time. He has now taken on the role of cheerleader.

If that's not great teamwork, I don't know what is. Yes, it's always interesting to know what people do for work when you first meet them. Some define themselves by that, and some don't. I still think it's smarter to look into their hearts, rather than their resumes. But that's just me.

July 19, 2012

Money? Fine. No one should be asking anyway.

What you do? Weird. For a woman or a man to keep it secret. It'd be a red flag.

Id let a gal know, but I wouldnt go into detail. This is if I was a doctor or a janitor.

Hell if I was a doctor, Id downplay it and say I do physical therapy. I dont need money grubbing harpies coming after me. I want a chick to love me for who I am...so I have to be cautious considering what goes on in the dating world.

July 19, 2012

When a girl asks me what I do, I just tell her flat out. When she asks me how much I make, I just tell her: 'enough to keep me happy'.

Some people need to realize that just because a guy/girl is driving around in a flashy new car (merc/bmw/range rover), doesn't mean that they OWN it. I know a ton of my friends that shovel their way into debt by maxing out their credit cars and leasing brand new fancy cars. Your paying money for a car that you will never see again. Same goes for leasing/renting an apartment. All your doing is paying someone else's mortgage.

As for me, I'm not materialistic one bit. And I could care less what the girl drives, makes or does for a living. All I care about is if she did something with her life and didn't just sit around letting everyone hand her everything on a silver platter. If she makes more money than me, then kudos to her. Cause I worked my ass off to be where I'm at now. And if she can do better, then I know she is a hard worker.

On the first few dates is when the questions come up.

What do you do for a living, or are you going to school? Do you like what you do?

July 19, 2012

Id let a gal know, but I wouldnt go into detail. This is if I was a doctor or a janitor.

Hell if I was a doctor, Id downplay it and say I do physical therapy. I dont need money grubbing harpies coming after me. I want a chick to love me for who I am...so I have to be cautious considering what goes on in the dating world.

If you're telling her you're a physical therapist but you're really a doctor (which is something totally different, with a different schedule and lifestyle, generally) then you're not telling her who you are. Regardless of money issues - the careers and experiences are different too.

I think going into a situation with plans to hide anything hardly lets someone see the 'real' you.

July 19, 2012

I dunno Kaylan. Drive what you want to drive. Wear what you want to wear.

Have to believe that the right woman will see the real you no matter what you decide to put on or not put on.

Here's a question... would you date a woman who had a much higher education, money, better car than you?

Do you think she should hide those things from YOU if she were sincerely interested in you and didn't care about those things in men?

Id find all that ambition and success pretty damn cool to be honest. And Id expect (hope?) her to have a strong, confident, sexy personality to match it. Its super rare to come across women like that, so Id be game, and I wouldnt be threatened by it.

Regarding the last part, a successful woman doesnt run the risk of being used for her money the way man run such a risk. Big reason being that most people with tons of cash are men, and because men are generally seen as the providers.

Sure, a successful woman might have trouble dating if she comes across insecure men, but thats a different story. In which case she may have insecure dudes bailing on her, she wouldnt have them wasting her time mooching on her when they werent really in love with her as a person. Yes mooching men exist, but when you consider gender roles and who has most of the wealth in the world, it tends to be moochie women you say.

But as I said, this has much to do with gender roles and who has the wealth. As things change over time, we have seen more deadbeat mooching men, and provider women over the years.

July 19, 2012

If you're telling her you're a physical therapist but you're really a doctor (which is something totally different, with a different schedule and lifestyle, generally) then you're not telling her who you are. Regardless of money issues - the careers and experiences are different too.

I think going into a situation with plans to hide anything hardly lets someone see the 'real' you.

Wanted to add to this. I don't really care about money and never did, but if a man lied to me about his career, I'd drop him like a hot potato. Additionally, a person's career, IMO, is about so much more than money. Mine certainly is.

July 19, 2012

As an aside: I don't get all this "real you" business. If the real you would drive a beater car, or only can then that's the real you. If the real you would drive a BMW and can, then that's the real you. If you start doing things just to assess someone else, you're no longer being the real you and thus can't be seen as the real you.

A guy who, with or without money, doesn't want to drop a ton of it on a car or anything else frivolous sounds pretty damn good to me, personally (though Hubby does have a fairly pricey car - not a luxury car, thankfully, but a good one, so a guy who does want that in moderation with one or two things is fine too) but a guy who DOES want that and pretends he doesn't because he likes to test people? Sounds pretty lame, really.

Well, Id tell you to look back at Ninja's post.

The "real" you isnt always the real you for many men. A lot of men go out there are succeed at life just because they want to impress women. They dont do it for them. Many drive the BMW so others can oooh-and-ahhh at them, not necesarily because they like it, or because its practical.

When I can afford it, Im just going to get a nice affordable Corolla S or maybe a Kia. Nothing fancy ever....I dont need it.

And I see nothing wrong with testing people. In the real world, everyone isnt noble and out to be your best buddy. Theres plenty of users, losers, and abusers out there. I dont mind if people keep folks at an arms length as they get to know them.

Generally, unless you have a 12" personality, a woman won't date beneath her income/education level.

In my experience this is false.

If you're telling her you're a physical therapist but you're really a doctor (which is something totally different, with a different schedule and lifestyle, generally) then you're not telling her who you are. Regardless of money issues - the careers and experiences are different too.

I think going into a situation with plans to hide anything hardly lets someone see the 'real' you.

Eh.

July 19, 2012

And I see nothing wrong with testing people.

Testing people by lying? What kind of foundation do you want to build at the beginning of a relationship, Kaylan?

I'm with Zengirl and the hot potatoes.

July 19, 2012

Well, Id tell you to look back at Ninja's post.

The "real" you isnt always the real you for many men. A lot of men go out there are succeed at life just because they want to impress women. They dont do it for them. Many drive the BMW so others can oooh-and-ahhh at them, not necesarily because they like it, or because its practical.

Yeah, that's lame too. Though I know guys who like expensive cars - not BMWs per se but fast, techy ones, like Subarus, which don't come cheap (this is nerd luxury after all) - for their own sake, too. Up to them. I'm not suggesting anyone buy a car to impress ladies. I'm just suggesting, as RR said, you drive what you wanna drive.

When I can afford it, Im just going to get a nice affordable Corolla S or maybe a Kia. Nothing fancy ever....I dont need it.

Hey, I drive a pretty cheap little Nissan that's kinda old by now and I plan to drive it into the ground. I hear ya.

And I see nothing wrong with testing people.

I see nothing wrong with observing people, but I see a lot wrong with playing tricks or being dishonest. Most people don't go around lying about what they do, on dates or even to near-strangers, and those that do are usually shady. As for testing, eh, seems like a bad way to start a caring, intimate R.

July 19, 2012

I think to ask what one does for a living is a pretty fair and common question and if he or she would not disclose what they did, then I'm gone, see ya!

As for money, its noone's business untill theres not only commitment but also some time invested in the relationship. I don't care how much money a women makes but ambition and drive is fairly important to me. She doesn't have to be mayor or a doctor but if she's 40 and working at mcdonalds and has no desire to do better for herself, than I'm also gone. Don't mean to sound shallow, don't think this is, but I want to be with someone who has drive, wants a decent quality of life (not necessarily in a materialistic way) just being able to pay bills and go out for fun once in a while is more of what im talking about.

July 19, 2012

I'm afraid, dear Kaylan, that in your attempt to screen against the bad apples by testing and fibbing... you will also screen out the very best too.

You are jumping to alot of conclusions about women, and risk coming across as paranoid, insecure... and perhaps even dishonest to the kind of woman you most want to attract.

July 19, 2012

I think it's very wise to keep dates VERY low key at first and not to disclose any income information for awhile (especially if you met through OLD, jeepers!).

If I were a doctor I might suggest saying that you work in health care, or if you are not the sole physician at an office, saying that you work at xyz office.

I think men are much smarter driving modest cars anyways.

Often men will put the flash out there then complain when women who are attracted by flash: get attracted to it!

I for one see a flashy car and think: ugh what a waste.

I loathe BMWs. BMW (last time I checked) put a whole bunch of legal roadblocks to avoid compensating the Jews whose slave-services they used during WW2. I can't stand the sight of a "Beamer."

July 19, 2012

Shouldn't the thread title be:

What do you think about men AND women keeping their profession or income private early on?

Everyone wants to be equal, equal, equal....right?

Everyone wants to be the provider and protector....right?

Both men and women should be behaving the same....right?

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What do you think about men keeping their profession or income private early on?

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