Need help? --Let's talk--Let's share

[dprtman09]

Four years ago, I had an issue with an OM and my Wife. I had a thread and it went on for quite a while. All kinds of stuff was said and none of it surprised me. It was sort of a lens for focusing my thoughts.

Well, now my wife and I are happier than ever. All aspects of our life together have improved. This is all because she decided to be responsible to herself, me, our son, and her career. We handle things differently in some ways and I'm not going to lie and say that I am not insecure at any given moment. It happens.

The point of this is as follows. Many of you helped me even when we disagreed. Therefore, I feel compelled to discuss what we did to make things work after a traumatic disruption of our relationship. The floor is open.

 

IT CAN BE DONE, THOUGH THERE ARE THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK IT CAN'T OR ARE AFRAID TO TRY.

Edited July 18, 2012 by dprtman09
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[GLDheart]

I'm glad to hear things for you worked out. It sounds like you two are putting in what it takes. Im glad you got that chance. It's what most of us deep down wish for and sadly what most never see.

[NotCamelot]

Yes, I'd love to hear from you. It has deen 2 months and 1 day since d-day for me. My W stopped all contact that day and wanted to be with me. Things are progressing, though I have the hardest times......she "seems" to be handling this better than I.

 

You can see other threads of mine for details if you wish.

[BetrayedH]

I am curious what worked for you. I have been here for just over a year and see few active posters who have successfully reconciled. So, what made a difference?

[nofool4u]

IT CAN BE DONE, THOUGH THERE ARE THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK IT CAN'T OR ARE AFRAID TO TRY.

 

Not afraid to try, I simply didn't want to try. I knew there would be times I'd look at her and see "cheater" stamped across her forehead. I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't to be married to someone that spread her legs for another man behind my back.

 

Depends on the person really. There are some that think they might be able to be happy in a marriage to a cheater, some know they won't be happy in a marriage to a cheater, even if they never cheat again.

 

Glad it worked out for you. Me? It wouldn't be for me. I'd rather leave the cheater in the dust and move on.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Not afraid to try, I simply didn't want to try. I knew there would be times I'd look at her and see "cheater" stamped across her forehead. I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't to be married to someone that spread her legs for another man behind my back.

 

Depends on the person really. There are some that think they might be able to be happy in a marriage to a cheater, some know they won't be happy in a marriage to a cheater, even if they never cheat again.

 

Glad it worked out for you. Me? It wouldn't be for me. I'd rather leave the cheater in the dust and move on.

 

I think I may be finally coming to this POV. It would be so nice to not have that stigma with a new woman...but I'm afraid I'm fairly jaded now even to new people =\ The other big thing that scares me is getting in trouble for talking to the new woman about my ex...whom I've spent 1/2 of my life with so far. How can you avoid talking about someone you spent half of your life with??

[nofool4u]

I think I may be finally coming to this POV. It would be so nice to not have that stigma with a new woman...but I'm afraid I'm fairly jaded now even to new people =\

 

Understandable. Some will say that you aren't guaranteed that with a new woman that she isn't a cheater. This is true. But I'd rather take a chance on someone who may be faithful vs. someone I know has it in them to be unfaithful.

 

 

The other big thing that scares me is getting in trouble for talking to the new woman about my ex...whom I've spent 1/2 of my life with so far.

 

No reason you really should talk about your X, unless someone you are dating asks.

 

 

How can you avoid talking about someone you spent half of your life with??

 

Easy you just don't. I'm sure it will come up in conversation, and if someone new asks you, then don't be afraid to talk about it, just don't go on and on. Answer any questions and that is it.

[KathyM]

It can be done if the WS is truely remorseful and this was something so very out of character for him, and the BS is able to put it in the past and not allow it to affect her love and trust for the WS. Very few people are able to get to that level, though, after their marriage has been shaken to its core from infidelity. Trust is the foundation of a marriage. Once that is broken, it's very hard to get back. Love is also a cornerstone of a marriage. A lot of people don't feel the same kind of love for their spouse after they realize their spouse didn't love them enough to be faithful, and would give their most intimate self to someone else. So while some may choose to reconcile and may be able to reconcile, many can't and don't want to because it's just too much damage to the love and trust that the marriage was built on.

[Guitarjeff]

I don't believe anyone happily reconciles. I think the ones that stay together are simply more afraid of being alone, afraid of the heartbreak and afraid to start over and they simply 'decide' they would rather go through the loss of exclusivity and being eaten inside by this cancer than to face the fear of starting over and handling life alone possibly.

 

I say this because I believe inside that everyone knows that one of the most special things about falling in love and getting married is that special exclusivity, that special bond, knowing that since the time you fell in love that you have only been intimate with each other, only shared that special thing with your spouse. There is a special feelling and bond that comes from that and once it is gone, IT IS GONE FOREVER, it can never be gotten back, and I'm sorry, but to me that bond is a HUGE, special part of marriage and happiness without it is never truly going to exist between two married people. So I think that people who are weak or have fears of being alone or losing that person because of being dependent on them emotionally or financially simply choose to accept the misery rather than to face all the other fears that they are afraid of.

 

Of course, people want to sell books telling these people in hell that they too can be happy again and accept that they no longer share that special exclusivity with their spouse, but they are making money spouting that stuff.

 

And also, you will never see someone who has succumbed to the fear and can't leave or don't feel they are worth a spouse that they can share that special exclusivity connection with come to these forums and admit the truth. Who is going to come here and say, "Yeah, I am still in my marriage because my self-esteem is so low that I have too much fear to leave"? No one is going to admit such a thing. Of course they are going to say, "We really have a wonderful marriage again, we have so much love now, we grew", and such stuff as that.

 

Sorry, but you feel you are worth a spouse who would never be unfaithful to you, and demand it, or you don't. No way will I believe that anyone can truly be happy after the loss of that special, special exclusivity that is at the heart and ground of every marriage. Through tough times, through fights and disagreements, through the loss of loved ones, jobs, anything, you and your spouse always have the special little thing, that special connection, knowing you have only been with each other since the time you fell in love.

 

There is nothing that can replace that special foundation, nothing!!! Once it's gone it is gone for good, and you can convince yourself all you want that you are now happy and don't need it or count on it as a true grounding for your marriage and life, but I think the people who stood strong and forced themselves to move on because they know that they deserve a life partner that has never and would never cheat on them, well they know the truth. You can see it in the responses of those who know they deserve better and are not willing to live a life in a marriage that can never have that special connection, that special exclusivity again.

 

It would be so refreshing to see someone come here and just simply say, "yeah, I a too weak and afraid to respect myself enough to demand that I have the most special connection with my spouse that I give my life to" I am staying in my marriage because of fear of liniless or financial reasons, and yep, it hurts like hell when we watch a movie together and the subject turns to infidelity, or when we are around friends and I can't help wondering to myself "does he or she want him, does he/she find him attractive"? "What things happened when they were together that he/she didn't tell me, did she rub his back lovingly while he was on top of her? Did she do things for him that he hasn't told me about? Will I ever really know the truth? Does he'she think about them, or some sexual act that he/she loved and never told me about?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone who lives in that energy-eating cancer can ever truly be in a happy marriage again.

 

Sure, they can EXIST, can GET BY, for whatever reasons, but to me, once that special bond is gone, a special part of that marriage is gone for good, and it's never coming back, never again will you have it. You can tell yourself that it doesn't really bother you, bu5t I will never believe that really. That's not a happy marriage and partnership in my nook, definitely not what happy marriage is all about and I could never accept that loss and stay in a marriage.

[Sadwife37]

Guitarjeff - Really???? BS don't say this? I am 8 months past DDay and NC and I am trying to reconcile with my lying cheating deceptive H. And I am doing it for all the exact reasons you outlined. Why would I do it for any other reason? I gave him everything and I expected and deserved everything in return. I did not get it. I got total ****!!!! And I deserved and demanded better. He says it was the biggest set of mistakest he has ever made. He regrets his choices. He wishes he could go back and change it. My pain kills h. Now he is an open book trying every minute of his days to rebuild my trust and respect. Is that enough?? HELL NO! Not even close. He deserves to lose his family. Lose the respect of friends and family. Lose his home. Lose me. But what about me?? When I look at my options, neither is very good. Both totally suck. Being alone, poorer, raising 3 children in a broken home. That is not exactly great. Today I am very afraid that your words are true. That I will never be truly happy with my WH. That I will be never trust or love him. Unfortunately I don't have a sexy brain surgeon who wants to sweep me off my feet waiting on the sidelines. I am a 37 year year old who has spent my entire life building a life with a man who did a horrible thing to me. I am trying to chose the best of a bad options and my choice terrifies me. Leaving terrifies me. Staying terrifies me. I am not proud of trying to stay with a man that would treat me that way. I did deserve much better. I know that. Unfortunately he is what I have right now. I hope we will find happiness again. I don't know if it is possible. I am not there today. Don't know if I ever will be. I hope happiness and love is possible again.

 

I typed in the passenger seat while driving. Hopefully not too many errors!

Edited July 20, 2012 by Sadwife37
Spelling errors

[Guitarjeff]

Sad wife. I definitely feel that there may be valid reasons for staying, only that true marital happiness isnot one of them or even a possible goal. That doesn't mean that staying may not be your best option overall, it may very well be, only that something very special is gone forever and i believe that something to be at the very heart of a marriage and partnership. To me, it's something that can never be replaced, it can never have a stand-in for it, it can never be equaled.

 

Now, though you may stay for other reasons, and those reasons may be valid to you, that doesn't mean that you are not a wonderful person who really does deserve someone who would never break that special bond with you.

 

The mere fact that you would give of yourself for these years, raise kids, be loyal, those things prove what kind of person you are, and to me, that is true beauty and I believe you deserve someone who could never break that bond.

 

What you decide to do for practical reasons is understandable, but know that you deserve to have that same kind of loyalty and bond given back to you.

 

I can only hope to have someone like you, as loyal as you and dedicated to spend the rest of my years with. and I would never break that special bond.

 

 

 

 

Guitarjeff - Really???? BS don't say this? I am 8 months past DDay and NC and I am trying to reconcile with my lying cheating deceptive H. And I am doing it for all the exact reasons you outlined. Why would I do it for any other reason? I gave him everything and I expected and deserved everything in return. I did not get it. I got total ****!!!! And I deserved and demanded better. He says it was the biggest set of mistakest he has ever made. He regrets his choices. He wishes he could go back and change it. My pain kills h. Now he is an open book trying every minute of his days to rebuild my trust and respect. Is that enough?? HELL NO! Not even close. He deserves to lose his family. Lose the respect of friends and family. Lose his home. Lose me. But what about me?? When I look at my options, neither is very good. Both totally suck. Being alone, poorer, raising 3 children in a broken home. That is not exactly great. Today I am very afraid that your words are true. That I will never be truly happy with my WH. That I will be never trust or love him. Unfortunately I don't have a sexy brain surgeon who wants to sweep me off my feet waiting on the sidelines. I am a 37 year year old who has spent my entire life building a life with a man who did a horrible thing to me. I am trying to chose the best of a bad options and my choice terrifies me. Leaving terrifies me. Staying terrifies me. I am not proud of trying to stay with a man that would treat me that way. I did deserve much better. I know that. Unfortunately he is what I have right now. I hope we will find happiness again. I don't know if it is possible. I am not there today. Don't know if I ever will be. I hope happiness and love is possible again.

 

I typed in the passenger seat while driving. Hopefully not too many errors!

[Spinning]

GuitarJeff that was the first post I've read as a WS that has truly struck home word for word. My W knows nothing of my EA I have no courage to tell her and frankly even less than i had before reading your post Respect to you for the honesty and with the informed comments.

 

Tell me I'm curious. Do you think your views would be any different at all on a non-PA?

[woinlove]

I don't believe anyone happily reconciles. I think the ones that stay together are simply more afraid of being alone, afraid of the heartbreak and afraid to start over and they simply 'decide' they would rather go through the loss of exclusivity and being eaten inside by this cancer than to face the fear of starting over and handling life alone possibly.

 

I say this because I believe inside that everyone knows that one of the most special things about falling in love and getting married is that special exclusivity, that special bond, knowing that since the time you fell in love that you have only been intimate with each other, only shared that special thing with your spouse. There is a special feelling and bond that comes from that and once it is gone, IT IS GONE FOREVER, it can never be gotten back, and I'm sorry, but to me that bond is a HUGE, special part of marriage and happiness without it is never truly going to exist between two married people. So I think that people who are weak or have fears of being alone or losing that person because of being dependent on them emotionally or financially simply choose to accept the misery rather than to face all the other fears that they are afraid of.

 

Guitarjeff, you express how you think about and how you view things very well, but it is a mistake to project your own feelings and views onto everyone else. While I haven't been a BS, your description of what you think is so special between a married couple jumped out at me, because my own view is very different. I have been happily married for 25 years, and we have been in an open M all that time. To us, being intimate with just each other is not important. Lots of things are important to us - loving each other and showing that love daily, shared values, shared goals, our family, open and honest communication, respect, trust, intimacy, having fun together, helping each other,... but (emotional or physical) monogamy is not important to us.

 

We don't all think the same and from what I read on LS it seems it is often the lying and deceit that destroys trust and may doom the M. The examples I've read where the M survived and became happy again are where the deception and deceit ended close to the same time of the A (the secret wasn't kept for years and the WS didn't continue to lie for years). For some, an A will mean the end of the M and for others it won't if trust is rebuilt by openness and honesty. Some will have happy, satisfying M again. Maybe not many. But some will, because of what they want and need and value. Not everyone is the same.

Edited July 21, 2012 by woinlove

[drifter777]

It would be so refreshing to see someone come here and just simply say, "yeah, I a too weak and afraid to respect myself enough to demand that I have the most special connection with my spouse that I give my life to" I am staying in my marriage because of fear of liniless or financial reasons, and yep, it hurts like hell when we watch a movie together and the subject turns to infidelity, or when we are around friends and I can't help wondering to myself "does he or she want him, does he/she find him attractive"? "What things happened when they were together that he/she didn't tell me, did she rub his back lovingly while he was on top of her? Did she do things for him that he hasn't told me about? Will I ever really know the truth? Does he'she think about them, or some sexual act that he/she loved and never told me about?

 

Dude - have you read my posts?

 

I totally agree that there is no such thing as a happily reconciled relationship after one partner has cheated. The BS is faking it for all the reasons you point out.

 

I willing admit that I was too weak, too afraid of starting over and being alone to walk away when this first happened. And I'm still too afraid of the same things today. Back when it happened I had a son to think about and all that, but I was simply a chicken-sh*t and wish I would have had the strength to leave for good. More than anything I think I come to LS to help give me the resolve I need to walk out.

 

This is no defense, but I was damaged pretty badly growing up and this has played a big part in my insecurities. I'm still in IC and believe that I will get stronger as I peel the onion of my life.

[drifter777]

Guitarjeff, you express how you think about and how you view things very well, but it is a mistake to project your own feelings and views onto everyone else. While I haven't been a BS, your description of what you think is so special between a married couple jumped out at me, because my own view is very different. I have been happily married for 25 years, and we have been in an open M all that time. To us, being intimate with just each other is not important. Lots of things are important to us - loving each other and showing that love daily, shared values, shared goals, our family, open and honest communication, respect, trust, intimacy, having fun together, helping each other,... but (emotional or physical) monogamy is not important to us.

 

We don't all think the same and from what I read on LS it seems it is often the lying and deceit that destroys trust and may doom the M. The examples I've read where the M survived and became happy again are where the deception and deceit ended close to the same time of the A (the secret wasn't kept for years and the WS didn't continue to lie for years). For some, an A will mean the end of the M and for others it won't if trust is rebuilt by openness and honesty. Some will have happy, satisfying M again. Maybe not many. But some will, because of what they want and need and value. Not everyone is the same.

 

No, we don't all think the same so why get after Guitarjeff for not thinking like you? Also, I think your life-style is sick. How can you possibly have any insight, even a valid opinion on something (fidelity) you don't even practice? Yeah, yeah, you are entitled to your opinion blah, blah, blah. But in my opinion you should never post anything in the Infidelity forum.

[woinlove]

No, we don't all think the same so why get after Guitarjeff for not thinking like you? Also, I think your life-style is sick. How can you possibly have any insight, even a valid opinion on something (fidelity) you don't even practice? Yeah, yeah, you are entitled to your opinion blah, blah, blah. But in my opinion you should never post anything in the Infidelity forum.

 

Not getting after him, just arguing that his own views don't apply to everyone as he suggests by saying that no one can have a happy M after one spouse has cheated. I've read of a few examples here on LS which have talked from the heart about their M and I believe them when they say they are happy and their lives are richer for being shared with their spouse. One could turn it around the other way, and wonder whether the fact that a person thinks no one can possibly be happy in a reconciled M suggests the person still has a way to go in their own healing. One has to heal whether one stays M or divorces.

 

As to you opinion of where people can post, you can try discussing it with the mods, if you like. As an aside, any successful open M is still based on trust and fidelity (faithfulness to the M vows and promises), just not on monogamy.

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but I don't consider what you are doing as happy marriage. In this case, I could say any relationship between two people can be defined as marriage.

 

i have found over the years when debating with swingers that the vast majority are riddled with lowself esteem, most of the males are sexually immature having had their teen years warped by pornography, that many of the women only engage in it because they want to please the sexually immature husband or are afraid of him leaving her.

 

Sorry, but I don't believe you can say to me, "My wife allows herself to be used as a sperm bag for men to dump their loads in to her, uh, and I sure do respect her and she respects herself and has no self esteem issues and is mentally healthy"

 

What you are doing doesn't fit in to my concept of what a healthy and mutually respectful relationship is.

 

I can come to you and say i have sex with animals, and as long as i don't hurt them, and I simply SAY I respect myself and have no issues and am a healthy person, well, sorry, but if you bought that, I have some land in Florida for you.

 

If any and all behavior can be ladded respectful, then what you are really saying is that there is no such thing as respect at all.

 

Because you are in a relationship that involves these sexually immature and self-esteem harmful activities doesn't mean it really is healthy and respectful just because you SAY it is.

 

I'm sure Bonnie and Clyde would say that their relationship was based on mutual respect, wouldn't they? And as long as they SAY it is, then to you it is?

 

Also, since you CAN NEVER have that special bond with the woman you are with, it is IMPOSSIBLE, how can i expect you to say anything other than what you are saying?

 

In other words, your lifestyle with this woman is not a choice, since you can NEVER EVER EVER have with her what you CLAIM you don't want, so of course, YOU ARE GOING TO CLAIM that what you can never have with her is simply not important

 

If you stay with her to live out your sexually immature fantasies probably warped by porn addiction and exposure at a young age, then you simply MUST defend it by saying the special bond means nothing to you, and I claim it means nothing to you BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT with the partner you are with. So it CAN'T mean anything to you, it's not a choice between you two, it HAS TO BE your position since you have no choice but to be without it as long as you are together.

 

If you admitted that it did mean something to you and you wish you had it, then you would be admitting that you are not being true to your ideals and living against your nature, so you MUST claim this IS YOUR NATURE and that you are truly happy, for you would never want to admit that you are allowing your sexual perversions, addictions, and immaturity to override your true desire for that special bond in marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

Not getting after him, just arguing that his own views don't apply to everyone as he suggests by saying that no one can have a happy M after one spouse has cheated. I've read of a few examples here on LS which have talked from the heart about their M and I believe them when they say they are happy and their lives are richer for being shared with their spouse. One could turn it around the other way, and wonder whether the fact that a person thinks no one can possibly be happy in a reconciled M suggests the person still has a way to go in their own healing. One has to heal whether one stays M or divorces.

 

As to you opinion of where people can post, you can try discussing it with the mods, if you like. As an aside, any successful open M is still based on trust and fidelity (faithfulness to the M vows and promises), just not on monogamy.

[woinlove]

Can't comment on what you write about swinging, Guitarjeff, as that is too far from our lifestyle, but I think I see what you mean by a happy M is what you yourself define to be the kind of M you would be happy with. So saying "no one happily reconciles" means you yourself could not be happy with reconciliation. No argument there. Some reconcile and are happy, but you would not be. This whole thread is aimed at those who want to reconcile or are interested in that possibility.

[mercy]

Can't comment on what you write about swinging, Guitarjeff, as that is too far from our lifestyle, but I think I see what you mean by a happy M is what you yourself define to be the kind of M you would be happy with. So saying "no one happily reconciles" means you yourself could not be happy with reconciliation. No argument there. Some reconcile and are happy, but you would not be. This whole thread is aimed at those who want to reconcile or are interested in that possibility.

 

I like your posts in this thread.

 

Honesty, I crave it. If two people have that they have it all. My opinion. My marriage was touched by infidelity though it in no way defines what my marriage is. Today it is filled with love, respect, friendship and above all honesty. Two hearts beating as one. Never been happier in my life. Long hard road but we did it together. Love healed both of our wounds and I'll be forever grateful for our marriage.

[Guitarjeff]

"I see what you mean by a happy M is what you yourself define to be the kind of M you would be happy with. So saying "no one happily reconciles" means you yourself could not be happy with reconciliation."

 

You have misunderstood me. I did not mean this at all. What i mean is that the special bond of exclusivity is not some vague concept that is more real for some than it is for others. We disagree on this. I believe that the bond is 'natural and a very part of human nature to all healthy, mutually respectful, well adjusted love and commitment'

 

So to me it is not a vague concept that some have and some don't. Why does infidelity hurt most everyone who goes through it if many don't value it? I believe it is a tangible, real, and healthy expression of a deep connection between all humans who are in love and ommitede to each other.

 

I believe that every human who has valued it and lost it will forever be hurting and missing that bond. I believe that the betrayed, in their heart of heart, in the depth of their souls will always wonder to themselves, "What would it be like to have someone who has never cheated on me?" That betrayed spouse will always wonder what things they were never told, what things they can never know. That special trust was broken and once that original bond is broken it can never come back.

 

I have seen it so many times on these boards, the betrayed spouse tries to stay in the marriage, and even comes to the boards to say how happy they now are, how they truly are as happy as ever. Then 1 year, 2 years later many of them are back saying they could not live with the cancer that ate at their soul, that they could not pretend anymore that the marriage was the equivalent in that special way that it was before the infidelity.

 

Again, I am not saying there may not be valid reasons for staying and that someone may not be better off overall for staying, only that the special bond, in my opinion, is not some vague concept that is real for some and not for others, I believe it to be real and a part of all human beings when they are in a healthy love and partnership based on that love.

 

I think that if it were only a vague, personal concept that you wouldn't see such a uniform devastating pain when a relationship loses that bond. I believe you see the devastation almost uniformly throughout all infidelity situations because it is a real, tangible, unique and valuable part of the human soul and of human nature.

 

Yes, I believe it hurts so bad to the vast majority of humanity because it is valued so much and is a very core part of humanity and the nature of human love.

 

I believe every betrayed spouse will always hurt inside, will always wish that it had not happened, will always think about the fact that if the infidelity happened after year ten of marriage, and they have now been together for 15 years total, what would it be like to have been able to say we have had the special exclusivity for the full fifteen years, and could still look forward to enjoying it for the rest of our lives.

 

That's just my belief about things and everyone has to do what they feel is right. I can respect that.

[mercy]

I believe every betrayed spouse will always hurt inside, will always wish that it had not happened, will always think about the fact that if the infidelity happened after year ten of marriage, and they have now been together for 15 years total, what would it be like to have been able to say we have had the special exclusivity for the full fifteen years, and could still look forward to enjoying it for the rest of our lives.

 

That's just my belief about things and everyone has to do what they feel is right. I can respect that.

 

I had an ok marriage before the affair, I have an awesome marriage now. We took a lot for granted before the affair. To be honest I was in a bad place and wasn't really sure I wanted to be married anymore, he of course felt that. A man not valued is a lost man. He was humbled by what he did, so ashamed, I was surprised it hurt so bad. Surprised how bad I wanted my marriage.

 

With counseling, marriage, individual, we came to a place of such love I never imagined. He craved my respect, I loved him enough to give it to him. He is after all a great loving and kind man, he's one of the good guys. Wish I would have appreciated that before. But I have a lifetime to show him. Thank God for mercy.

 

Much as it pains me to say we would not be where we are today had we not gone through the difficult times. Sometimes we need to be brought to our knees to see the love in front of us.

 

So no I wouldn't change a thing.

[woinlove]

I had an ok marriage before the affair, I have an awesome marriage now. We took a lot for granted before the affair. To be honest I was in a bad place and wasn't really sure I wanted to be married anymore, he of course felt that. A man not valued is a lost man. He was humbled by what he did, so ashamed, I was surprised it hurt so bad. Surprised how bad I wanted my marriage.

 

With counseling, marriage, individual, we came to a place of such love I never imagined. He craved my respect, I loved him enough to give it to him. He is after all a great loving and kind man, he's one of the good guys. Wish I would have appreciated that before. But I have a lifetime to show him. Thank God for mercy.

 

Much as it pains me to say we would not be where we are today had we not gone through the difficult times. Sometimes we need to be brought to our knees to see the love in front of us.

 

So no I wouldn't change a thing.

 

I can understand those for whom cheating is a dealbreaker, and divorcing can be absolutely the right decision for them. But I've also read about successful reconciliation stories here and think some couples can come out happy and strong together. I'm happy for you, mercy.

[Guitarjeff]

Mercy, I am sure you are a wonderful person and woman, but the special bond is forever forbidden with you and your husband, so forgive me if I take your words with a grain of salt. I simply do not believe that you feel better about your love after infidelity than you did before it.

 

You relationship absolutely lacks something special now that it did not lack before, and that's exclusivity, a special bond that is a core part of human nature. Of course you are free to believe and say what you wish, and I wish you well and hope you are truly happy, but I myself don't believe deep inside that you don't wonder what it would be like to be able to say "I am with someone who could never and has never cheated on me, and I also have that possibility to have this for the rest of my life"

 

If it hurt when he did it, then it was valuable and meant something to you. Of course you can find other ways to respect or be happy, other aspects, but as i said before, that bond, that special exclusivity has no exact replacement.

 

I'm sure you feel you have compensated in other ways for it, and that's great if you feel you have what you deserve, but I believe that special bond is unique and there simply is no replacement that exactly fills that void when it's gone for good.

 

You sound like a wonderful, beautiful person and I have no disrespect for you at all and mean none to you, only that I cannot change my believe without the logic required to do so.

 

Maybe this discussion can end up helping someone even if it just means that they have a better perspective heading in to this stage. Maybe they will make a point to instruct themselves that they will not hide from this part of it. I guess that's really what we can hope for and why we are here, to help others, to maybe give them a perspective that they hadn't considered or a unique way of seeing something that they hadn't thought of before.

 

We can agree to disagree, and that's fine and maybe others will get some benefit from reading about our thoughts on this.

 

I wish you the deepest love, the most meaningful life possible.

 

 

 

I had an ok marriage before the affair, I have an awesome marriage now. We took a lot for granted before the affair. To be honest I was in a bad place and wasn't really sure I wanted to be married anymore, he of course felt that. A man not valued is a lost man. He was humbled by what he did, so ashamed, I was surprised it hurt so bad. Surprised how bad I wanted my marriage.

 

With counseling, marriage, individual, we came to a place of such love I never imagined. He craved my respect, I loved him enough to give it to him. He is after all a great loving and kind man, he's one of the good guys. Wish I would have appreciated that before. But I have a lifetime to show him. Thank God for mercy.

 

Much as it pains me to say we would not be where we are today had we not gone through the difficult times. Sometimes we need to be brought to our knees to see the love in front of us.

 

So no I wouldn't change a thing.

[mercy]

Mercy, I am sure you are a wonderful person and woman, but the special bond is forever forbidden with you and your husband, so forgive me if I take your words with a grain of salt. I simply do not believe that you feel better about your love after infidelity than you did before it.

 

You relationship absolutely lacks something special now that it did not lack before, and that's exclusivity, a special bond that is a core part of human nature. Of course you are free to believe and say what you wish, and I wish you well and hope you are truly happy, but I myself don't believe deep inside that you don't wonder what it would be like to be able to say "I am with someone who could never and has never cheated on me, and I also have that possibility to have this for the rest of my life"

 

If it hurt when he did it, then it was valuable and meant something to you. Of course you can find other ways to respect or be happy, other aspects, but as i said before, that bond, that special exclusivity has no exact replacement.

 

I'm sure you feel you have compensated in other ways for it, and that's great if you feel you have what you deserve, but I believe that special bond is unique and there simply is no replacement that exactly fills that void when it's gone for good.

 

You sound like a wonderful, beautiful person and I have no disrespect for you at all and mean none to you, only that I cannot change my believe without the logic required to do so.

 

Maybe this discussion can end up helping someone even if it just means that they have a better perspective heading in to this stage. Maybe they will make a point to instruct themselves that they will not hide from this part of it. I guess that's really what we can hope for and why we are here, to help others, to maybe give them a perspective that they hadn't considered or a unique way of seeing something that they hadn't thought of before.

 

We can agree to disagree, and that's fine and maybe others will get some benefit from reading about our thoughts on this.

 

I wish you the deepest love, the most meaningful life possible.

 

Thank you.

 

I don't feel the need to defend my marriage. I spoke from my heart and I spoke truthfully. Simply stated I adore that man. I still believe to this day he is a gift from God. I'm a blessed woman.

[Guitarjeff]

woinlove

 

I can appreciate your opinion and truly hope for great happiness and depth in your life for the future, you deserve it. You be yourself, be true to who you are, and everything will be the way it was meant to be in your life. You are growing in to who you are supposed to be, and that's all any of us can hope to do while being a kind and thoughtful person, which you clearly are.

 

 

I can understand those for whom cheating is a dealbreaker, and divorcing can be absolutely the right decision for them. But I've also read about successful reconciliation stories here and think some couples can come out happy and strong together. I'm happy for you, mercy.