Maia2407 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) I have been dating a soldier recently ( I use past tense as I lost it a couple of weeks ago and kicked him out. But I will get to that part in a minute For the first few months we had a lot of fun together – as you do when you are in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship. We got on great, were very attracted to each other and always had a good time whatever we were doing The problems began when, after a few months I introduced him to my 3 year old son. Soldier has 2 children of his own – a 13 and 9 year old and I had met them a couple of weeks previously. Now the first meeting between my son and partner went pretty well, they played together etc etc but the meetings slowly began to deteriorate over time. My partner began to show impatience towards my son and what he deemed as ‘childish’ behaviours. I suppose an example would be if my son fell over and scraped his knee and would cry – this would annoy my partner and he would makes comments such as ‘oh what a wimp! Tell him to get over it! He is such a mummys boy’ These comments appalled me – after all my son is only 3 years old. He is a lovely kid – sweet natured, affectionate, well behaved etc. So I told my partner his behaviour was disgusting and I told him to never come back. He apologised profusely and cried his eyes out and said he just wasn’t used to dealing with small children of my sons age and if I just gave him one more chance he would be better. Stupidly – I gave him the one more chance. Next he started with the criticism of my parenting. I let my son get away with things. I cuddle him too much etc etc. Then when I didn’t respond to any of that he would criticise me personally as well. I was ‘too fat’ (I weigh 8 stone) I was ‘stupid’, I was too blinkered to see things except from my own point of view etc etc. Then one day a couple of weeks ago he lost his temper. He told me he thought my son was seriously thick and that he didn’t like him at all and in a fit of temper shoved my dog along the kitchen floor. I threw him out. I told him to take all of his things and never to return. And I haven’t let him. Now come the barrage of text messages, the flowers, the phone calls and the begging. And the emotional blackmail. He is being deployed to Afghanistan in a few months time and keeps saying please can I just talk to him as he is more likely to return in a coffin. He keeps saying – you can throw the first flower on my coffin after they remove the flag etc and I hate myself for it but I feel guilty! Why on earth do I feel guilty? Half of me is thinking maybe I should speak to him (not let him come back at all) but speak to him in case something does happen when he goes out there. The other half is saying do not speak to him at all – he is a master of manipulation and he just wants to get his own way. He does not seem to grasp why i threw him out - he just thinks that i have personally insulted him in some way and he will just not let go. I have already deemed him to have narcissistic tendencies and he is the most infuriating person I have ever argued with!! He will swear blind he never said things and is completely denying he said my son was thick. So convincingly in fact that I almost doubted it. That is until i gave myself a mental slap and thought well you know what you heard. Plus he has upped the ante lately as he knows this weekend is the weekend my sons father is coming to visit him. Obviously he hates that Should i feel bad as he is being deployed or just continue to ignore as I am doing? I would never have him back - but should i at least speak? Edited July 17, 2012 by Maia2407
darkmoon Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 keep your little boy away from that horrible man who drove you away all by himself, poor little boy.
Author Maia2407 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Yes believe me - i would never let him be around my son again
darkmoon Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) you gave the man a chance, which is fair and correct, but a second chance means he ignored what you said, bad in any situation, bad for your little boy too, this man must really stop pretending his, um, bullying of your child away, yes, bullying, it's immature and manipulative - is this man's own childhood causing this? Edited July 17, 2012 by darkmoon
Author Maia2407 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I am not too sure about his own childhood to be honest. I have met his parents and in my opinion I found them to be very preoccupied with material possessions. They seemed more interested in how much money i earn than what i am like as a person. I suppose it could stem from that. If it does i am sorry for him but I cannot have that sort of behaviour as my son has to come first. But yes I feel guilty - as i said he is being deployed shortly
Radu Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) Oh man, some of these things do take me back. I have dealt with ppl like this, i'm not sure if they are narcissistic or egotistical [i suspect they are narcissistic]. What they like to do is ingratiate themselves into your family/friends/whatever. Once they are there, they place discord there, spew their venom to turn one against the other, in some cases like yours even mother against son. It may even be that he felt threatened by the fact that you had a son and as such he is first in your life. Either way, their purpose is full control through destrying self-esteem and 'divide et impera' in your relationships. I notice you are from UK, if you had let this guy in, you can be anything 5-6 yrs down the line he was going to be sent by this guy's manipulations to live at a school [are they called boarding houses ?]. PS: Materialistic parents is one of the similar things i noticed as well with those i know who are like that. I honestly wish i could assign a label to them, but now i just know when to recognize their actions as bad. I bet he was a great charmer. Edited July 17, 2012 by Radu
Author Maia2407 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Hi Radu Yes he was of course a great charmer. Well he was in the beginning. But after the first few months and after he met my son he would alternate between charming and venomous. I am from the uk and i certainly would never let him send my son to a boarding school haha. But i definitely agree it would probably have been suggested!!! Also - yes i do think he is a narcissist. If i was to put a label on him then that would be what i would use. I think it was the lack of empathy for others that was the main giveaway sign
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