He won't move in!

[Cantcope]

I am 36 and my bf of 3.5 years is 33. I have a 7 year old son. Things have been very rocky over the past 3.5 years, resulting in a few break-ups, yet we always end up back together. We don’t communicate properly and because of this, things that could very easily be resolved turn very ugly. We love each other tremendously and when we are together, we have a wonderful time. He treats my son as his own.

 

I have my own apartment at which he spends 3-4 nights per week. He lives with a roommate. Here’s where my confusion lies. His roommate just purchased a large house. My bf has every intention to move with his roommate. I’m destroyed over this decision. When I ask why he’s not moving in with my son and I, considering that he says that he wants to marry me eventually and have another child, he says that we aren’t stable enough.

 

I’m going to be 37 this year. The clock is ticking. I want to have another child. I want to have marriage. I’m going crazy, worrying that I’m wasting the last of my child bearing years with someone that is going to put off our future for as long as possible.

 

We are starting counseling next week. We really need it. If we communicated better, we would be unstoppable. I understand his concern about not feeling stable, since every time we have a huge fight, I inevitably say “fine, let’s end this”, but it’s out of frustration that all of this time is being wasted and if it’s never going to work, then let’s just end it already!!!

 

I told him that if we aren’t stable enough by January 1, I need to move on. He thinks that it’s horrible that I would put a time limit on it, but I think that 4 years is quite long enough!! If we wait one more year to move in together, I will be close to 38! Then what? A year until engagement? Another until marriage? I’m concerned about having a baby at 41 years old!

 

I don’t know what to do. He’s the love of my life, but how long is long enough? If he KNOWS he wants to be with me forever, why not start moving forward now? I can’t stand thinking about him moving with this guy to this big, beautiful house with a yard and a pool and a hot tub! He’s not going to move with him in 2 weeks and then move again to be with me in a few months.

 

I’m at a dead end!!

[utterer of lies]

I'm sorry, but if he doesn't want to move in after all this life, if he isn't sure now, he will never be.

 

Better break it off right now than wait for some arbitrary date in the future.

[veggirl]

Are you settling for him because you are getting older and see him as your last chance?

 

That's what it seems like to me.

 

You list all these problems, and one good thing "we love each other". Love isn't enough, if you can't communicate and have to walk on egg shells and have broken up multiple times. Moving in won't fix that, counseling could help though.

 

You need to shelve the marriage idea, the baby idea, and the moving in idea until you two have a proven track record of solving problems in a healthy manner without breaking up or fighting.

 

How could you expect him to "KNOW" he wants to be with you forever when you guys have major problems in your R? How can you blame him for not wanting to move in and committ to that? I wouldn't want to!