hinatticus Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 She knows you love her. Acting like you're indifferent wont matter one way or another this early in your break up. If anything it helps you move on and have self respect. I stayed "friends" with my ex that last few months to show her I've changed. I think she knows I'm serious about my change. Now I'm doing very limited contact. To give her space to sort her life out. Can you handle being friends right now? I told myself I'd try to work the friends into reconciliation angle. Didn't quite work but I think she let go a bit of resentment. The thing about the dumper is that they have their minds made up(most of the time). Residual feelings aren't important right now. Unless she's very impulsive she won't jump back into the relationship if she thinks she's gonna lose you. The residual feeling may play a part down the line when her head clears up a little. This will be a long process especially since you need to work on your anger. Your ex probably doesn't even know what she's feeling. Are there any stressful things going on in her life? Has she started a new job? How old are you guys if you don't mind me asking. The reason I ask is that sometimes people go through quarter life crisis or midlife crisis or they're just not emotionally mature enough. Show change, don't pester her, give her space, be happy! Remember, this will be a long road. You have behaviours to change. I'm not trying to be rude, I just feel we have some things in common. It's been a long road for me so far. It takes time and practice to change our behavior. How you feeling today? I'm totally bummed out.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I am 42 and she is 34. She is definitely not impulsive. I just feel that if she truly felt I am not emotionally there, that I need to prove that I am emotionally there now. I am not sure about being friends. I have never wanted to be friends at the end of a relationship. I truly don't want to be her friend, besides the fact that I care about her and really do want to be a part of her life. I just don't think I can be JUST friends with her. I am trying to go slow. I have done a lot of reading today and have learned much about the WHYS of my behavior, which makes me feel a little less crazy. I printed out note cards to recognize these child-like behaviors so I can deal with seperating the feelings from the behavior. Not hearing from her is the biggest void. Then it makes me want to contact her. SHe is not at work today, so there is also that void. SHe says she needs to heal, but healing will not take the love away. SHe says nothing will take the love away, but I fear it will take the "in-love" part away. Then, it is the point that my family is hell-bent on the fact that if she can leave for this long, this she can leave forever. Everyday seems like a testament that she really is gone. All I can do it feel my feelings. ANd i love her and want her back, that is how I feel. I don't want her back for the good times or the bad. I want her back for my absolute partner in life. I feel everyday that we miss together is one more day we have lost. She just texted me while I was writing this telling me how she was feeling (physically) and thanking me for the flowers. I feel empty today
Author Mary Oak Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I just got off the phone with her. SHe said that she had a peaceful weekend with her family and she has missed me. But, she also said that she held on until the last possible second and doesn't know if she can recover from the pain I have caused. SHe said that she hates to see that I am hurting and she can't distance herself but so much because she loves me and wants to see me heal. SHe said there are no guarantees that we will get back together. SHe said that even though she sees this progress and the person I am becoming, that she doesn't know if the hurt will ever allow us to get back together. SHe says that she is scared that if there comes a time when she says she doesn't think this will ever work out, that I will stop this journey and she really does want me to be happy. SO, now I don't know if she is just hanging on out of fear of hurting me more. SHe acts like the pain has overcome all the other emotions except the love she has. Now what?
hinatticus Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 We are definitely in the same boat! My ex says the same things! I feel exactly the way you do. Keep yourself focused on bettering yourself! It will help with the coping. I hated the whole love you but not in love with you crap. If you take my path I can tell you where you'll be in 5 months. Although it seems you haven't done the crazy stuff yet. Whatever you do, DON'T get upset about anything. It will only set you back. Don't be a complete doormat, but rather understand you hurt her badly. Read about emotional abuse and what the "victims" feel. I cried my eyes out when I learned that's how my ex felt. It really hurts them to the core. Trust is lost. You have age on your side tho. My ex is only 26(I'm 33), and right she is trying to find herself. She doesn't want to be just a mother! You and your ex are probably a little more emotionally mature. Let her heal while you better yourself. Give her space and try to stick to limited contact. She needs to miss you. Stay strong.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I feel like the more space I give her that more she moves away to coming back. BUt, when I talk to her, she seems receptive. I don't know if she is just receiptive to the ideas I have learned though. SHe didn't say it in so many words, but I got the def impression that if she was not scared that I would stop my growth that she would tell me it is over. Now, I am scared I am going to push her into telling me that.
hinatticus Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I felt the same way about space. Time will tell. In my situation she was comfortable being around me. Having her cake and eating it. Now it's time for distance. My ex's heart needs healing from the pain I caused her. Maybe your ex wasn't hurt as badly as mine. If she was though, she is going to need space to clear her head and heal her heart. You have a better read on your ex than I do. Do what's comfortable, but be prepared for the worst. Always be prepared she won't come back. Your ex sounds like she cares about you, as does mine. They genuinely want us happy but don't think it's with them. My ex thinks if I was so unhappy with her why do I want to be with her. Maybe your ex thinks the same thing.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 My ex did feel like that at one point. But, now she sees that my demons were making me feel insecure and unhappy. SHe knows I am working on them, and wants me to open my heart, but she says she wants me to open my heart to LIFE just not her. I feel like I am going to try not to say anything about US anymore, and let her bring it up, even if it is bad. I just look at her and melt though.
hinatticus Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I melt and die too. My ex sent me a terribly sad song yesterday about how she feels right now. Not very encouraging! It's good that you let her bring up the relationship talk. I think out exes want us to be truly happy. First without them tho. I'm thinking about taking some kind of class. Pottery maybe? That is so far off of what my personality is, it might be kinda fun. What interests do you have? Maybe you should volunteer or take up an instrument. I'd like to learn the violin. I already play a bit of guitar so I think violin can't be too hard to learn. Keep me updated. I'll keep offering whatever insight I've picked up. And if you find something that works im more than willing to give it a try. I'm just surprised no one else has chimed in. I don't want to be responsible if you don't reconcile. Hehe.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 No pressure Just don't have many friends to talk to, so thanks!
Author Mary Oak Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 So, I just talked to her this morning to see how she was feeling. We didn't talk about us at all. So, I guess that is a step in the right direction.
steelgator Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 Mary Oak, I'm in the same boat with my ex girlfriend. We're apart for summer break but I will be back in a month. I've had stages of a couple weeks no contact then i end up hurting her feelings by bringing up the relationship and getting angry because she just wants to be friends for the time being and i want more. I hurt her alot and she is scared to get back into a relationship because i have left her and came back. She doesn't want to lose me and is crazy about me but she also feels unhappy around me. Im around 15 days NC atm. I just hope she reaches out to me within the next couple weeks as I really just miss talking to her like i used to. But there is so much resentment right now only time will allow her to heal. I'm not seeing a counselor...but im trying to figure out my anger issues myself because i don't get angry at anyone else and I think it's like you said, I am just scared of losing her so I try to control her which isn't fair at all.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Steelgator, How do you do it? How do you resist the urge to contact. I feel so helpless when I can get a "feel" for where she is and what she is thinking. Plus, we work together so we do see each other.
steelgator Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 how do i do it? easy, we are 3 hours apart until i move back in a month...she told me all i do is upset her and make her anxious and said we're better off if we don't talk because i just bring up the relationship instead of just talking friendly and i get angry...but we will be friends but not yet because i have hurt her too much...TIME HEALS WOUNDS. EVERYTIME THERE IS CONTACT, THE BANDAID IS RIPPED OFF. I am waiting for her to reach out to me.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 Well, she had to go to the ER today, and we have been in constant contact. Just like nothing happened. Obviously, just concerned about her health so it took my mind off our breakup for a bit. She is fine. THank goodness. Now, we are probably back to this breakup part of it.... felt so normal today, even though it was a bad thing that brought us to that point.... now what? They said the concussion symptoms could last for weeks, so i certainly don't think talking about US would be beneficial and would only add stress... but don't know what steps to take now.
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