hope or no hope?

[Mary Oak]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is my story. My girlfriend and I broke up ten days ago. We were together for seven years and own a home together. We broke up because she believed I had anger issues and didn’t love her unconditionally. She said she has been hurting on and off for some time, but never felt she could come to me about it because she feared my anger. She felt it was a take it or leave it type of thing, and I was not open to change. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am devastated. I love her more than life, and want her back. I have been reading numerous anger management books and have also been to see a counselor. She is a very emotional person and I know she was very much in love with me. She says she still has hope for us and wants a future with me, but she says she doesn’t know if that can ever happen. She says we need to travel through this journey and see where it takes us. I know where I want to be, and she says she knows where she ultimately wants to be, so I don’t understand why we can’t reconcile. Is this all something that she is just telling me to “ease” us through this hard stage?[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We work together and talk almost everyday. We talk about things we are learning about ourselves. We talk about everything. But, I always leave the conversation wanting more. I just want her to come home.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What can I do to get her back? NC is not an option as we work very closely together. Should I just accept this break up as over or should I continue to try to show her my love and desire to make us work. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

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[Chi townD]

I would start doing the 180. Make her wonder about you. What's up with the changes and what's going on in your life.

[Stanza]

You do need to stay apart romantically until you really feel you've fixed the issues as if you get back together too soon, it could quickly unravel again. I'd keep with how it is, keep working on you, keep talking at work but don't go further. If you are patient and you get on top of this stuff I reckon you can win her back. Definitely. She hasn't given up yet.

[Mary Oak]

I am kinda scared to do that because she thinks I was not wholly invested. I want to show her I am. But, I have really let her know since we broke up that I love her and want her back. SHe is not the type to play games, but I just don't know if I should keep hanging on. Sometimes I text her and she does not even text back. SHe says when she thinks of our relationship, she hurts and we need to process this as a break up.

[Stanza]

You do need to process it because it is over. And when you fix your issues you'll start a new one if she still loves you, which she likely will. You have to focus on you, it's your only chance and you do have to be apart.

[Mary Oak]

Stanza...i sure hope so.

 

How do i know if she really wants to be back together or if that is just one of those things people say when they break up. She says she has no idea when. I don't understand how she can stand to be away from me. And if she is processing this as a break up, where does all the love go?

[hinatticus]

Dude... I'm in your boat. I'm 5 months post break up and we have a 2 year old together. I've gone through various stages with her. She's still not dating anyone which is a good thing. Find out if your ex is seeing someone, if she is work on yourself and heal and let her do her thing.

 

It will be hard man. So many thoughts running through your head. I'm in counseling too, read anger management material, read all kinds of stuff on self help etc. It all helps but your ex might think you're doing all of this stuff too late. Don't let that discourage you. You'll be a better person no matter the outcome.

 

Be patient. Give her space! Don't bring up relationship talk unless she does. Practice what you've learned every time you see her. Don't play games.

 

I wish I could help more. I've taken a step back in my journey, but I'm gonna keep on truckin.

 

Good luck man.

[Mary Oak]

Thank you. I guess I should have said this is a lesbian relationship....not that it really matters, but I am female.

 

I don't know how to not talk about US, when we talk. It is all that is ever on my mind. Plus, I am scared of moving into the friend zone with her. So, I keep bringing up how good we could be together. She says she misses me, but that doesn't mean she wants to be with me. SHe is staying with family now. It feels like I am in limbo. I feel like if I really believe it is over, then we will never get back together. But, part of me feels like she wants some distance to see where I will go. All I do know is that I just want to talk to her all the time. When I see her, my heart melts. If i just don't talk about us, I am worried she will think I am over her. I am so lost. Don't know if I should keep fighting.

[hinatticus]

Sorry Mary...

 

I was afraid of the friend zone too. Whatever you do, don't try to reason your way back. Give her space! She knows how much you love her. Giving her space won't make her think you don't. I dread the same thing. I'm so worried that if I go into my usual nc mode she'll think I don't care. Truth is they probably don't care. They have a lot going through their minds right now. Let the dust settle and don't do any of the dumb things I did!

 

Oh and part of fighting for her is to let go. Think of it as the more you heal, the more you're fighting for her. At the end of it all if she wants you back, you're healed; if she doesn't want you back, you're healed. The worst type of reconciliation is one where nothing's changed. Be patient and spend your time wisely. Reading is good!

 

I know how much this hurts, we all do, but don't show your ex the pain you feel.

 

Good luck, woman!

Edited July 16, 2012 by hinatticus

[Mary Oak]

THank you I guess that is what I should do. I don't know how to stop texting or calling. ANd when we work together, we go outside twice a day and talk. Havent talk to her in three days though During these times of not talking, I start to question everything....actually, this is the longest we have not talked in almost 8 years.

 

Plus, I don't even know how to begin to heal...

[hinatticus]

I feel where you are coming from. The longest my ex and I have gone without talking is about 2-3 days in almost 5 years. It's very hard. You have to stop texting/calling. It's hard I know. If she texts, reply but keep it short.

 

I feel the same way as you. I feel I've f*cked up and I need to make it up to her. I neglected her so I feel I need to be there for her. That is not what they want though. They need space to clear their minds.

 

Healing is hard. So many people will give the same advice. Go out, work out, hang with friend's, hobbies, etc. It's true though.

 

I'm like you in the sense we both can't do full no contact. You work with your ex and I have a child with mine. The best we can do is do limited contact. I tell my ex about the changes I'm going through, how my counseling is going etc. I believe she should know what I'm doing to change. Do it for yourself first though. If you believe you want to change, then do it for yourself.

 

 

And what are you questioning? Whether you do want her back or whether it not you're doing the right thing?

[Mary Oak]

There is no question in my heart that I want her back. I just don't know if I am dragging this along by myself. SHe is a type of person that truly cares for people. So, I know she cares for me and hates to see me hurt, so I don't know if she is just talking to me to ease this time or not. SHe says she will only do what she wants and I am not influencing her. But, then I haven't talked to her in three days. SHe had to get stitches today and she only texted me to tell me but then I called to get details and she didn't answer. I should have been the person she wanted to go to. SHe said she would call me when she woke up but still have not heard a word... she does sleep a lot when she is hurt/sick, but that was 8 hours ago. I have called and left a few voice mails and I even sent her flowers.

[Mary Oak]

ANd I really start questioning where she is at emotionally. That is what I question the most. I will text and when I don't get a response, I feel rejected. BUt, when I do, I feel validated. So, I don't know. I don't feel like doing anything. I live far from any of my family or friends. I already work out. None of my friends want to hear how miserable I am, and I don't blame them. I just wait every night to go to sleep so I can stop thinking... and I take sleeping pills for that!! I know I sound like a baby, but she truly is my soul mate

[hinatticus]

You sound like me and I'm a grown man! I swear Ive done what you're doing and I've probably done worse. Your ex sounds like mine where I know she cares about my feelings and she doesn't want to upset me.

 

the texting and not getting a response pains me. The trick is to have zero expectations. And stop thinking about what she's doing. I know, hard. I'm 5 months in and I still think about what she's doing.

 

If you truly care about her you'll be in this sh*tty place for a while. No one wants to let their love get away. But it's when you've healed and their minds are clear when a new relationship can flourish.

 

You're only 10 days out, be grateful haven't done what I did. I made the terrible mistake of contacting her friends and family, I even made a touching music video for her. Love makes you do stupid things, but it also makes you do great things. I'm grateful I'm in counseling still. I'm grateful of the books I've read. I've learned a lot about myself that if a recon happens I know the relationship will be better. If a recon doesn't happen my next relationship will atleast have a better me.

 

Posting here helps too! I've stopped doing a lot if the things I enjoyed, but I'm forcing myself to do fun things once in a while. Right now I'm focused on becoming a better me.

 

Try to keep your head up. I know, hard...

[Mary Oak]

I don't see what is wrong with reminding her that I am still here. I also can't understand why she has not contacted me. How can she tell me she is in love with me last week and not talk to me for three days? What is going in her head? Where is she emotionally? She has said that if i needed to go and hook up with someone that she would not hold that against me if we got back together. She said that I used to be that way and it has helped me get over people. She has said that I may even find another relationship and that will lead me back to her. What she does not understand is that was just small stuff, this is my life and I can't think of anyone that way. She says she is not thinking of anyone else that way either. Friday, she told me that nothing was ever final, but that I needed to start to be happy. SHe said that just because I healed didn't mean I didn't still love her.

[hinatticus]

Again, your ex sounds like my ex. My ex told me the same thing about me dating someone else. She wants me happy, she can't be in thus relationship right now etc. Two weeks before she left me, we were trying for another baby. I knows it's weird how someone can love one minute then the next they don't. Very confusing.

 

If you hurt your ex as much as I did, listen to my counselor. My counselor said I hurt my ex to the core. Emotionally she just detached after trying so hard to make me happy. Happiness comes from within and my ex didn't understand that. I needed to make myself happy.

 

Your ex hasn't contacted you probably because she doesn't want to lead you on right now. She needs to clear her head. Maybe she missed out on a few things while being with you and she doesn't want added stress right now.

 

Just give her space. She doesn't need reminders, I know my ex didn't. Believe me, unless your ex is some cold hearted b*tch, she is still thinking about you. Just give her space.

[Mary Oak]

I just talked to her for about thirty minutes but just about her injury. She was very much herself and it felt great to talk to her.

 

I did hurt her to the core. ANd she said I would love her so much then switch and "took away her oxyen". She fought for so long for us and now feels defeated.

 

I want to have hope but don't want to have false hope.

[hinatticus]

Well... If you hurt her to the core, she probably doesn't trust you. Trust is very hard gain back. I'm still figuring the best approach to this. I've given her a taste of my changed behaviours and now I'm giving her space.

 

Are you adamant about wanting to change? Have you taken a hard look at what you contributed to the end of the relationship? Really work on yourself. Practice what you learn. Focus on fixing your problems. I'm surprised by all the other stuff that I've learned about myself. Once you start fixing yourself up you find out more that could use a tweak here and a tweak there.

[Mary Oak]

Yes, I am very adamant about it. I have been doing so soul searching to find out why I act out like I do. She has told me over the years that I have some hidden demons that don't allow me to love as deeply as I thought i could. I have only had one counseling session so far but the therapsit said almost the same thing my gf did. I have really looked at my anger for what it is. I immediately jump to anger instead of any other feeling because it shields me from hurt. My gf always thought I was very self confident, when all the while I was just as scared she would leave me, so I acted out in efforts to control her. I know that is wrong, but at least I am learning it and fixing my mistakes. Now, I will actually listen to what she says and try to understand her side of it, then if it does make me nangry, I will take a moment, and come back and explain why. Most of the time, the feeling I am experiencing is not even anger, it is hurt, saddness, or confusion. I hurt her so now I want to take care of her.

[hinatticus]

Just remember.... No one has the power to make you feel a certain emotion. YOU'RE the only person that controls that. I'm working on that myself. I'm doing pretty good with it. It does take practice though.

 

My ex said the same thing about me having unresolved issues(demons). I didn't think I did, but I do. Learn your negative triggers and remove them. No negative trigger=no negative emotion.

 

If you feel shame, make sure it's healthy shame. You can use that as motivation. Unhealthy shame is self destructive. You'll think you're worthless. Healthy shame is good.

[Mary Oak]

Not sure what about healthy shame is? The shame I feel is awful. I just wake up and another day is here and again I am in tears. I don't know when this first stage will end and I will be able to see other people without tearing up. Or when I can see her and act like it is all ok. THen, if I do act like it is all ok, will she think I am over her?

[hinatticus]

Healthy shame makes you want to improve yourself. It gives you motivation. This is the way I feel. It made me want to go to counseling and read, read, read!

My counselor said that unhealthy shame can be very bad. You start hating yourself(I do to an extent), you feel worthless, depressed, basically you think the world shuns you. If you have unhealthy shame it will be hard to be productive.

 

I have healthy shame and I've bawled my eyes out because I was disgusted by my actions towards my ex. Then I realized I need to change(that's when it becomes healthy shame).

 

Shame is basically a core feeling. A belief about yourself.

 

Guilt are actions.

 

Everyone here will say that when you are over your ex, that's when they come back. I don't know how it works in our situation. Maybe it's the same, maybe not.

[Mary Oak]

I don't think you will ever know what will make them come back or not. If you stay away too long, they may have moved far enough away emotionally, not to try again. I do know that what I have been doing is not working. It works in the place that we are still communicating, being kind to each other, but still not together. I am scared to death of the friend zone, but I am more scared not to talk to her. Just hearing her voice soothes me.

 

I def have healthy shame. I think I was not aware of the hateful ways I was acting. I am experiencing a great family loss now too, and that just pushed me to take that out on her too.

 

I don't think she is currently seeing anyone, as that isn't really her style. After a seven year relationship. BUt, I so want to ask. I just know that she will probably get hurt that I asked, but I really want to know if she has met someone that she thinks she may want to put in a romantic category.

[hinatticus]

I've tried asking too. I know my ex isn't seeing someone, but I got the response "it's not your business". I'm sorry for your family loss. That must've made things difficult.

 

I know what you mean about being friend zoned. And being afraid to lose them forever. Thing is, there isn't much we CAN do to get them back(just fix ourselves, be kind etc), but there are many things we SHOULDN'T do. Stuff like text bombing, calling, reasoning, begging, buying them gifts, looking sad infront of them, calling her friends/family etc.

 

I've also learned that you can't ask them for closure. Closure comes from within. I know, it would be easier if they said never talk to me ever, ever, ever again.

 

Love hurts...

[Mary Oak]

Thank you for your insight. It is very helpful. Now, if I can just ask on it... let me ask you this, if i act like I am moving on around her, talk of the things I am doing, etc. and show no signs of sadness, what will make her believe it is not time for her to let go of any residual feelings she has too?

 

I am going to try to not talk about us anymore this week. Or say I love you first. I just don't want to play games and if I want her back, I feel the need to continue re-iterating that. I fear if she hears I went out with friends, she will think I am on the prowl and move on.