Jennifermills Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I met my friend about four years ago senior year of hs. We were always close friends but never more than that. He's had a really tough break especially the past two years but I've always been by his side no matter what he's gone thru. He's not a bad person, he's just been dealt a bad hand and doesn't really have anyone in his corner besides me. My friends and family hate him, they think he's playing me. I've never felt that to be true but now I'm starting to wonder. Friday night, he called me at 1am saying he got arrested for DUI. He didn't want to tell his parents so I went there and got him out. His parents found out anyway and were furious and kicked him out. I told him he could come and stay with me if he wanted because he didn't have anywhere to go. He was so down, I've never seen him so low. It broke my heart to see him crying like that. I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of. I made him s'mores. He loves them. And it did make him smile. We stayed up all night long talking, laughing, even cuddling on my couch. At about 5am we said goodnight. He hugged me, kissed my forehead and thanked me. Last night he went out with his friends and promised me he wouldn't drink. At about 12:30am he came home, a little tipsy but not sloppy drunk. And behind him was some random girl I've never seen before. I asked who she was and he said he met her at the bar. He started making out with her right in front of me! I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I went to my room and locked my door and cried. I cried all night, I cried all morning. Tears are running down my face as I'm typing this. They probably had sex on my couch. I feel so betrayed. It was like a slap in the face. How could he do this to me after all I've done for him. I'm so mad, hurt and I don't know how to handle this anymore. It's not the first time he's done something like this either. I keep telling myself that I won't run to him, that im only setting myself up to get hurt again, but when I look into his eyes I can't help it. when I see him hurt or in trouble I go crazy. I'd lose a limb to help him. He's like a drug to me. I'm addicted to him What should I do? What would you do in this situation? He has no one else....
ascendotum Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You described him as your friend. Given your reaction to him pashing this this other woman, I get the impression that you want to upgrade your status to gf/bf...yes? If so was he to know you want more out of your friendship?? I gather as far as he is concerned he is a single guy, and nothing wrong with looking for some action. (I guess he sees you as just a friend) Bringing that bar girl back to your place certainly was disrespectful, and you should have told him straight then and there..'what's the idea of inviting strangers you just met back to my place, where you are a guest, and you can't go one night without treating it like some rent by hr flophouse.'. What should I do? *lay down your rules + his contribtion + timeline for when he moves out. He has no one else.... * Not your problem! Would he have done the same for you. If answer is no then, tell him this is only temporary, and he's to start looking for permanent lodgings. Thats up to you though.
Author Jennifermills Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 You described him as your friend. Given your reaction to him pashing this this other woman, I get the impression that you want to upgrade your status to gf/bf...yes? If so was he to know you want more out of your friendship?? I gather as far as he is concerned he is a single guy, and nothing wrong with looking for some action. (I guess he sees you as just a friend) Bringing that bar girl back to your place certainly was disrespectful, and you should have told him straight then and there..'what's the idea of inviting strangers you just met back to my place, where you are a guest, and you can't go one night without treating it like some rent by hr flophouse.'. What should I do? *lay down your rules + his contribtion + timeline for when he moves out. He has no one else.... * Not your problem! Would he have done the same for you. If answer is no then, tell him this is only temporary, and he's to start looking for permanent lodgings. Thats up to you though. I can't just throw him out. He has no place to go. I love him and I'd rather have him here driving me nuts then out on the street, but I don't know how much longer I can take the B/S he puts me thru.
ascendotum Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You said...'It's not the first time he's done something like this either', and he has only been at your place just one night and already he's bringing back some bar girl to bang. He is not even taking the opportunity to hook up with you while he is staying there...though I don't think that would be a good outcome for you, as you'll be in a worse state when he drops you after moving out. Sorry but having him stay at your place didn't turn out to be the golden opportunity for him to bond with you. Look at the anguish you have after just one night. IMO, piss him off to some other place as soon as you can unless you are okay having a new roomie who regularly brings back skanks after closing time. Hopefully he still has his job and is not sponging $ off you. Its up to you...but your family + friends know him better then a bunch of LS strangers.
LoverOfDance Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I think there's a reason why everyone in your family dislikes him. This guy doesn't sound like a good guy at all. Who does that? Who brings a stranger to someone's house to spend the night without asking when they know they themselves are just visitors in the house. That's a very disrespectful thing to do. You're just being a slave to the wishes of your heart. We've all been there. Tell him how you feel if you haven't already done so or else trust me, you'll die in silence. Get a reply from him as soon as possible so you know exactly where u stand. Also, lay down rules 4 him so he's aware that he cannot just do whatever he wants in someone else's house. And if he doesn't follow them, tell him to leave. Please stop hurting yourself. By staying in silence that's all you're doing right now. Don't let this guy hurt you anymore. Please. You're being a really good friend to him but you're not being a good friend to yourself. Be kind to yourself. 1
utterer of lies Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I can't just throw him out. He has no place to go. I love him and I'd rather have him here driving me nuts then out on the street, but I don't know how much longer I can take the B/S he puts me thru. You will suffer until you learn. Yes, you can kick him out, and the sooner you do it, the better it's for your emotional health. He obviously has no interest in you apart from getting food and a roof over his head.
madjac74 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He's like a drug to me. I'm addicted to him You pretty much said it all right here. What do we know of addictions? Correct...They are destructive. Whether you guys were just friends or dating or whatever it was completely disrespectful of him to bring a woman into your house. You are helping him out and yet he lets strangers into your house as if it is his? You are a good person for sure but he is going to use you. I know you wont kick him out but at least smarten up about possibly dating this guy
YellowShark Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You are becoming codependent. His needs are becoming more important than your needs. Your family hates him.. Yet you stand with him and not your family. He got a DUI... You go bail him out. He has no where to stay... You invite him into your home. He brings some random stranger home to your place to bang... You allow him to, and sulk off to your room and cry. See the pattern here? Time to stop dealing with his needs and trying to fix all his problems. Stop the codependency train Jen.
Author Jennifermills Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 I honestly thank all of you for your advice, and I know what you're saying is completely true. It just hurts me so badly to know that he could've had me, right there that night. I didn't make a move because I knew he was down, but if he would have, I'd have done so gladly. If he wanted some action he didn't have to pick up some random bar chick who may or may not have been diseased! I hope I don't sound like a horny slut right now, it's not just about sex. I love him. Although it's getting harder to remember the reasons why. I don't know why I let him hurt me over and over again. I guess I keep thinking if I'm nice to him, he'll see how much he means to me and maybe fall in love with me. Omg! That even sounded dumb to me as I read it back to myself. He came home last night and 3:30am, I heard him come in. I wanted to have a talk with him then, but I wasn't in the right mindset at that hour. This morning, he left before I woke up. He left me a note that said "hey Jen, sorry we keep missing each other. I'll be home at 6 and I'm cooking you dinner so don't have a big lunch..I love you". See? It's the things like that that make me go bananas. He said he loves me. That's gotta count for something, right?
SensitiveTJ Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I honestly thank all of you for your advice, and I know what you're saying is completely true. It just hurts me so badly to know that he could've had me, right there that night. I didn't make a move because I knew he was down, but if he would have, I'd have done so gladly. If he wanted some action he didn't have to pick up some random bar chick who may or may not have been diseased! I hope I don't sound like a horny slut right now, it's not just about sex. I love him. Although it's getting harder to remember the reasons why. I don't know why I let him hurt me over and over again. I guess I keep thinking if I'm nice to him, he'll see how much he means to me and maybe fall in love with me. Omg! That even sounded dumb to me as I read it back to myself. He came home last night and 3:30am, I heard him come in. I wanted to have a talk with him then, but I wasn't in the right mindset at that hour. This morning, he left before I woke up. He left me a note that said "hey Jen, sorry we keep missing each other. I'll be home at 6 and I'm cooking you dinner so don't have a big lunch..I love you". See? It's the things like that that make me go bananas. He said he loves me. That's gotta count for something, right? No, actually it does not count for anything. You can trust this man's words or you can trust his actions. Clearly, his actions suggest that he is not worthy of you. Don't believe the things that come out of a person's mouth when their behavior tells a different story. He is using you, end of story. Kick him out.
Sanman Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He said he loves me. That's gotta count for something, right? In what way? He sounds like he loves you as a friend. I would too if you were keeping a roof over my head. His actions certainly don't say he loves you. Actions are always a better indicator than words. This guy is not an idiot and I am sure he realizes he needs to keep you happy if he wants to keep a roof over his head. The other side of this is that you are clearly trying to read into everything he says and does. You read this statement and assume romantic love because that is what you want from him. He may honestly mean love in terms of friendship. That part is on you.
Sunlight72 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hi Jennifer, your predicament sounds like somewhere I might have found myself in the past. It was painful and difficult for me to get a healthy understanding of myself and change my view and my situation. It was so worth it! Now I'm happy with who I am and have a girlfriend who loves and values my good heart and romance. If you are ready for it, you can change your life If you're not ready yet, I cringe at your years ahead. You have put yourself in this situation, and unless you change your perspective and behavior you are going to keep waking up here again. This guy, next guy, what ever. You have to respect yourself or they never will. I wish you well, but actually - that doesn't matter. YOU must wish yourself well and realize that you are as important as any other person on the planet. It's simple If you are as important as this "friend", then why should you shelter him at your expense? You work to earn money to pay for your place, to buy your food, right? Why can't your friend earn money to rent his own place, to buy his own food? You do it, he can do it. He is a capable adult. He chooses not to pay his own rent. He could if he wanted to! Instead, he chooses to spend his money and energy on drinking and picking up women. There is nothing wrong with him doing that He is a free person The result of his choices is that he is now free to sleep on the couch of whomever will take him in. You do not owe him your couch. You do not owe him your heart. He is an adult, and he will do what he pleases. His behavior, which got him arrested for a DUI, is wrong. Every day in the United States, 28 people die as a result of drunk driving crashes. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration FARS data, 2011. In 2010, 211 children were killed in drunk driving crashes. Out of those 211 deaths, 131 (62%) were riding with the drunk driver. Not only have you invited high-octane drama into your living room and heart, but by bailing him out of jail you have helped him believe that "it's no big deal" to get drunk and drive. How will you explain it to yourself if he now drives drunk and puts someone in the hospital? What if you are riding with him, and you are the one in the hospital? Will you just say that he didn't mean to hurt anyone? Ah, but he has had his chance now. He was arrested without anyone getting hurt, and he still chooses to drink and then hurt people. You Jennifer, he drinks and he hurts you. It is his choice, and he chooses to hurt you. What is the best possible good that can come from helping and dreaming about this guy? Realistically. Act accordingly to give yourself the best chance at a happy heart. When you think of him and his actions, is your heart happy? Or is your stomach sick? You need to start respecting yourself more than (just a little more) you respect someone you find attractive. That means you will not accept behavior from someone else that hurts you needlessly. No excuses. Would you hurt this guy that you "love"? No. Then why do you think it is alright for him to hurt you? He will never love you if he doesn't respect you. He will never respect you if you don't earn it. To earn it you need to live a full life without him. Then, if it is a positive fit, you can choose when to let him share some of your life. Part of earning respect is by indicating clearly, "you cannot do this to me/with me". For instance - "You cannot bring home anyone. Not anyone. This is my home. You are my guest. You are not my room mate. You can no longer stay here, because I do not have time in my life to be side tracked by your unpredictable behavior. You need to leave now." If he argues or whines about that, just say, "You are an adult, and I thought you were my friend. A friend would say, "thank you for letting me stay here - how can I help you out while I'm here? I'll be quiet when you need to sleep and wash dishes and make you dinner in the evenings." Instead, you don't tell me when you'll be home, and I worry about you and lose sleep. When you do come home, you bring someone here without asking me. You have shown me that you are inconsiderate of my home life, and don't appreciate my generosity. It's too late to change my mind, you've already shown me how you will treat me and I don't have time to baby sit you." He doesn't want someone to fawn on him (let me clarify - he doesn't want a romantic mate to fawn on him). If he did, he would have been flattered by you and delighted to make your life pleasant and easier. He did not. He wants someone who is having fun, and he wants to join in on that fun. While you are waiting at home, where is he? Who is he meeting? He is out, meeting people who chose to go out on their own and have their own fun, and then he worked on them to get to join in on their fun. He doesn't want you (romantically). He doesn't respect you (personally). His words are easy to fake. His actions show what he really thinks of you. Truly Jennifer, Best Wishes. Protect your heart, Sunlight 1
KungFuJoe Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Lots of people so quick to slam the guy without knowing very critical pieces of info. Like, for starters, is OP sleeping with him or is it purely plutonic? If its plutonic and the guy strictly views op as a close friend and nothing more, has he really done anything so bad? Maybe bringing home a girl was a bit distasteful but how many people here have done not so tasteful things when out getting drunk. And if he just sees her as a friend then he's seeing it in the same light as if he was crashing at some guy friend's house and did the same thing. The problem here isn't that the guy. It's the fact that op has a crush on the guy, he obviously doesn't see her in the same light, and it's driving her crazy. OP, Tell him how you feel and hope he feels the same way or stop being friends with him.
Author Jennifermills Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Lots of people so quick to slam the guy without knowing very critical pieces of info. Like, for starters, is OP sleeping with him or is it purely plutonic? If its plutonic and the guy strictly views op as a close friend and nothing more, has he really done anything so bad? Maybe bringing home a girl was a bit distasteful but how many people here have done not so tasteful things when out getting drunk. And if he just sees her as a friend then he's seeing it in the same light as if he was crashing at some guy friend's house and did the same thing. The problem here isn't that the guy. It's the fact that op has a crush on the guy, he obviously doesn't see her in the same light, and it's driving her crazy. OP, Tell him how you feel and hope he feels the same way or stop being friends with him. I think I stated pretty clearly that we are not sleeping together, and yes I do have feelings for him, but it's not like I'm the one chasing him around. I've even tried avoiding him , but he comes looking for me. And it's really hard to push away someone who you actually wanna hold so close.
Sunlight72 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 "And it's really hard to push away someone who you actually wanna hold so close." When it's hard, you find out who you really are. The easy thing is letting his actions hurt you because he's the one acting. The hard thing is taking responsibility for yourself, you're right! It's very hard at first! You're very unhappy now, so you should do something. Decide on Jennifer this week, or Jennifer in September, do something about it, and then you have to accept what happens. Being your own person is hard, and you can't depend on other people to make your decisions unless you accept their choices. Good luck
Author Jennifermills Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Hi again Just wanted to give you guys an update on happened. He came home at 6 like he said, with groceries in hand. He cooked dinner, set the table, even cleaned up the mess. I offered to help him but he refused. It was amazing! The food was over cooked and dried out, it tasted awful lol. But it was the best thing I've ever eaten. He got us a bottle of wine and we ate. I planned on telling him everything right then, how mad I was, how hurt I felt, and how I really feel for him, but I froze up. I couldn't even remember the words I wanted to say. He even asked me what was wrong and I said "absolutely nothing", actual words. After dinner we watched True Blood. We were on the couch and I was sitting as far from him as possible. He told me to come closer and he put his arm around me but nothing else. It's impossible for me to stay mad at him when he's acting this way. I swear, he's like dr Jekyll and mr Hyde. He totally confuses the $hit outta me! I guess one more night won't kill me...
Dawson Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 In this situation, the OP probably thinks being just a friend is better than not being with him at all. Of course, that's a mistake but she's learning the hard way that it's not going to work out.
carhill Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Danger, Will Robinson, danger. Wait for the 'poof'. It's coming. Hopefully, you don't/won't have any substantial losses. My sympathies. 2
ascendotum Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Ask the women here, how wonderful it was having a 'dr Jekyll and mr Hyd' boyfriend.
Author Jennifermills Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Ask the women here, how wonderful it was having a 'dr Jekyll and mr Hyd' boyfriend. I didn't say it was wonderful. I know that this 'nice' version of him is only temporary. I'm well aware of the fact that he probably feels bad about Saturday night and is now trying to kiss my butt in order to keep his place in my living room. But.....it felt nice to have a good time with him. I wish he could be that way all the time.
bolase Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You are being absolutely hopeless. YOu've had a consensus of advice both from family and friends offline AND on this board that you are doing yourself a disservice. You are in fantasy land and will never truly fall in love with someone til you end this situation, and the power is on your hands. Hope something changes for you that makes you see this. Good luck.
Author Jennifermills Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I'm calling 'troll.' No one over 10 years old can be this ignorant or desperate unless they're trying to get a rise out of the masses. If the OP is not a troll, then I'm embarrassed for her. I didn't come on here to get judged. I just wanted to get all of this off of my chest and get some outside opinions. If you can't offer that, why even bother answering? I don't need anyone to make excuses for how I feel, you don't need to feel embarrassed for me. I'm totally responsible for my own actions/feelings. Oh, btw, I wish I was trolling. I honestly do!
Author Jennifermills Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 He came home last night after work at around 5:30. He looked very upset or sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he had to go. He said he begged his parents for forgiveness and they said they'd let him come if he promised to stop his partying and try to put some $ away for his own place. So he left last night. He went home. It's funny because he was only here for four days but now that he's gone, my apt feels so empty. I couldn't sleep last night at all. I'm still a little mad at him, but I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you, it was nice having him come home to me, knowing that he'd walk thru my door every night. I don't know what will happen from here. I hope he does what he promised his parents. But I guess we'll see.
carhill Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 When one has a strong need to be needed, dearth is like death. This timing is perhaps a call to action for change. Consider it. Perhaps he give you a gift. Gifts are nice
Imajerk17 Posted July 18, 2012 Posted July 18, 2012 You probably need as much help as this guy does. I say that in all seriousness. Have you looked into therapy for yourself Jennifer?
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