huzuni Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hi guys, this is the first time I am ever posting anything online, so please be kind! Im a 24 year old who was never the loving kind so I thought, probably has something to do with childhood molestation, I have never had a boyfriend until 6 months ago where I met an amazing eastern european guy, quite abit younger, i was 23 and he was 19 when we met, something about him made me feel so safe, he is genuinely one of the most amazing guys i have ever met, heart of gold, i was his first girlfriend too, I liked him before even speaking to him, as i had heard quite abit about him from a mutual friend. Apparently I had caught his eye and he said he quite liked me when he first saw me about as well, although we had just introduced ourselves briefly. The next time, after the first initial meeting, was at a hall social party at uni, it was rly quite lame, and not many people attended because no one rly knew about it, one of my friends wanted to go so i decided to go along with her, and guess who was there on a dance floor of about 15 people, mostly standing around, but he was dancing by his lonesome, you wont beleive the ridiculous dance moves on this guy! It would be embarrasing if it werent so endearing, and the fact that he didnt seem to care makes you not care either, made me laugh quite a few times, and for some reason he comes upto me and just pulls my hand towards the dancefloor (i quickly grab my friend-so bringing her down with me lol) i was quite embarrased by this forwardness ( i know i need to get out more) and awkwardly danced, while giggling at his dance moves ..okay i realise I cant write a novel here, but anyway we spoke a bit that night..he called me a princess at one point and then a few weeks later my mutual friend invited him to come ice skating with us and he did and we had a great time ice skating, holding hands and getting to know one another. He was quietly confident and just a genuinely nice guy, helping random people up when they fell yet a bit shy at the same time,the sort of guy I'd never dreamt of but always wanted Sorry for lack of paragraphing! Anyway I organised a kareoke night the next night and he came again, we had a good time, and he asked me to slow dance!! I never felt so awkward!!! ( you can tell i lived a very sheltered life, but i was always pushing guys away before, and am easily awkward anyway) all my friends were watching (much older) and gossiping and I quickly pulled him to the middle of the crowd so that they wouldnt have much to talk about. Needless to say we had absolutely NO RHYTHM it was really an awkwadr dance, him swaying left when i was swaying right i couldnt wait till the dance was over, and at the end of the night, we both discovered we were into 'Into the Wild' book n movie n this scored major brownie points! and as we were walking home, he put his arm arpund my waist infront of his friend. and if one could die of awkwardness that would have been the moment for me!! I really did not know how to react to this new realm of behaviour! He asked me to lunch the next day but it was winter break and i said no out of fear and last minute packing. When i went him i discovered he had searched and added me on skype ( i was so happy ) but never bumped into him while i was at home obsessing about this sweet guy. I finally went back to uni and he was due to come back a week later and finally!!! bumped into him on skype the night before he was flying to uni as well and he asked me if he could see me the very day he was arriving, i was thinking hell no! too nervous about this, moving way too fast for me,,besides i would be in class. Getting back from class the next day, Lo and Behold, guess who I bump into after getting off the bus! Him, he was walking out of blockbusters and i was getting off the buss he wouldnt have seen me if I didnt say hello, so I could have just walked behind him but instead i say hi (regretting how **** and tired i looked that day!!!) he asked me to go to dinner with him right then and there and since I was put on the spot (no text to decline nor phonecall) I said yes, i wanted to but at the same time didnt, fearing just putting myself out there. We ended up having an amazing 3 hour dinner, starters main, dessert, and he refused to let me conrtibute to paying. The attraction was quite intense and I was getting excited just at the thought of having him, someone so different, yet so amazing, wanting to be with me. After then, he texted quite regularly, i was finding it quite overwhelming how he wanted to meet up more than one a week, the horror!! Lol. By the end of term i found myself being unable to be apart for even just hours. One of the issues that our 3 hour dinner date revealed was that we had major differing beleif systems, completely incompatible, and as we came to discover, we both felt very strongly about it too. The next month we didnt see each other much as i had exams but he texted me alot offering to study with me to which i politely declined (how could i possibly study around him?? lol, just asking for resits rly!) I remember he got me a bonsai plant during this period and it was rly lovely He was quite ambitious and adventerous, telling me tales about how he goes on long walks lasting a whole day, how he grew up near the mountains of his eastern european country (im rly paraniod he might find my post one day just randomly googling and know its abt him!! hence the vagueness) just the kind of guy i like, also very studious, but at the same time a bodybuilder! After my exams, we decided to go to a concert (easter european) together (danced with much better rhythm ) and go to a very large and scary park after midnight, where we had our first real kiss by the lake (our kiss before that was quite mortifying ) and then we decided to go hiking to one of the peaks together. sadly here is where it began to go downhill in that we ended up passionately discussing our beleifs and ended up having a massive arguement about it and walking in silence for aa few good hours. However we decided the day was too long so we might as well get over ourselves and start talking, in which i told him abt past crushes and go nowhere awkward dates,and he told me briefly about a few girls he liked. Sorry this is way too long winded, summary is, after the peaks, we decided to just eb friends because we were so incompatible in such a core area, we did so but not for long, as he admitted to me it was too hard, and got quite emotional saying that he might even love me and that he was finding it hard wich was why he was avoiding me up until this point i was fine with being freinds, after this revelation and to see his tears and say he migth love me, completely flipped the script and after this I found it excruciating to just be friends, and after lots of tears and internal moral dilemma with regards to our difference in beleifs, and alot of heart ache i told him i coudnt just be freinds anymore either ( he sent me a picture of my name in the sand with a large heart on it -one he took on one his long walks!!) so we decided to be together again..it was amazing times..so happy we both were, so nice and kind to one another, but this all changed when he thought i had seen some pictures, which i hadnt and he revealed that during my exam time, a girl he was practically inlove with came to visit and him and he hadnt told me..i thought the factthat he hid it and didnt tell me was more of an issue than her actually visting, fast forwadr a few weeks and after missing him and going threw his pics on facebook i end up clickling on the girls name who commented on his pics, and see an album of her vistin ghim and discovered she spent the night in his room, on his bed he lied to me and told me she stayed at a travel lodge..he also never replied too my text or text me that day she was there..i asked him if anything happen and berate him for lying and not telling me..he said they just hugged, i can see from his lack of eye contact and the way he answered that hes lying. but i know he didnt have sex because hes still a virgin. Anyway after this betrayal, i feel insecure, even though we werent exclusive at this point, i dont think, anyway, i forgive him and carry on, things arent the same though, and we fight and argue more, esp about our beleif systems, being unnecessarily mean in our jokes. I begin to get more clingy and needy (wanting to see him all the time-i could see at some points he wanted his space-which hurt-but I didnt know better) we carry on with good times, okay times, and the times where we argued to the point where we would break down and cry at the end and apologize. We would also cry because deep down we knew it wouldnt work between us and that we were both trying to convince each other yet failing. Our last week together was terrible, we spend so much time together literrally 24/7 and the weather was crap, we argued the night before we left, and didnt even go out and decide to break up but remain friends, because we recognised we were two very different people who think very differently, and deluded ourselves that we would be fine as friends. That night we decided that we were great with each other so nice and loving. I send him to the airport the next day to send him off to his home country of which i was supposed to join him and a bunch of friends 2 weeks later, so all was good. I miss him terribly while hes gone while anticipating our meeting and how it would be so much better than how we left off, i feel terrible for our last fight, which i got mad at him, so felt like it was my fault for ruining our last week together before the holiday. I then find out that the visa i need i cannot get and am devastated at the fact that I wont be joinign him on the holiday and dont have an oppurtunit to set things right!! Why did i get mad, and make us both cry?? :( this is the last he will remember of me. I stop eating properly, spend most days crying, start getting desparate, and plan on flying to Lithuania just to get closer, because i dont need a visa for theree, i tell him this, this would involve him making an effort as he lives a few countries away fromLithuania. Hes not as desparate to see me though, not too crazy about the Lithuania idea, which i understand he did just spend 2 weeks longer so he could be with me (and it wasnt the best weeks) you have no idea how this breaks my heart aat the same time though, i would have done anything to see him again even for a day just to set things right, i even thought of buying him a ticket back to uni just for a day so we could spend it together, but waas afraid of mentioning it incase he said he didnt want to!!! (( I felt sick and wanting to throw up all the while, knwing we were just friends now and he wasnt as desperate to see me as i was him im getting chocked up just reliving this recent feeling. I text him the night before leaving back to myown home country (told my rents to get me an earlier flight asap since i wouldnt be going to europe anymore as it was torture being back there) saying i wasnt a robot and that if we were going to be friends we would need time t orecognise that, apart, and let in sink in because as we were still in touch everyday i did not feel nor talk to him as just a freind, and neither did he. By the end of the conversation we agreed to continue LDR as neither of us was ready to let go yet. However, i have been back home now, and for 2 weeks i have beein thinking non-stop about the longevity of us and realise there is none-and i cant fly back so far away just to visit because i live with my strict family again, and that would be too much to do for a relationship we both know wont last, we both aknowldge we have no future together because of how incompatible our beleif system is, and i am constantly under a moral dilemma because of how cinflicting our beleifs are, it hurts so bad but we have no future, so what is the point of prolonging anything? I have gotten clarity now and want to find strength to do the right thing which is to end this know for these reasons rather than dragging it on any further and waiting for one of us to meet someone and kick the otehr to the curb (in which case it would be him) i dont see myself wantign to be with anyone else for a very long time, took me 24 years to come across my first love, and to be honest i cant take the heartbreak, i dont think my heart was built for that, so id rather be realistic now, either way we r just avoiding the inevitable, wer going to hurt either way so better do it now, but just the thought of him not being in my life makes me cry and never stop, hes taught me so much, he once told me i will find someone better as i tried to end it before for this reason and he wanted to continue just for the rest of the academic term , but i dont want better! just him... I have to do the right thing..its the hard thing to do,,,i am set to talk to him tomorrow about it, and live with the fact that i prob wont speak to him again..i cannot be his friend i love him too much..to watch myself slowly get phased out of his life... id ont know what im asking for really..just to know that people do get over their first loves and how to do so during the thick of a break up..please be kind to those who may want to mock my story..i couldnt take any more cruelty than that of the circumstance he and i find ourselves in. Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long
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