brandi336 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, I am 28 and he is 24, the idea of marriage has came up and he has already bought my ring. However today he told me he didn't think we were working out and didn't know if we could "fix" things. The reasons he gave are as follows: 1) he used to party and hang out with friends all the time and now he hardly gets to see his friends because I "find something wrong" with them 2) he should be able to go and do what he wants when he wants to do it and I should be ok with that 3) he is miserable because I have "rules" that I ask him to follow 4) he has had to change things about himself and make compromises for this relationship and he doesn't want to do it anymore In my defense to his reasons I'd like to say that his partying defiantly was not in moderation and there is several of his friends that I do not necessarily enjoy being around because of their drug use and they try to use him as their "wingman" to pick up women. And the only things I have changed in him are for the better, for example I got him to quit smoking cigarettes. I do push him to do things, such as get a job, and sees this as me trying to control him. I just don't feel it's fair I have to work and take care of everything while he sleeps until noon then plays PS3 the rest of the day. I agree that we are hermits for the most part, and I would love to go out and do things together and with other people, but it seems like every time we do that he ends up ignoring me, embarrassing me, or making me feel out of place. I will admit that I am a little jealous, controlling and overbearing. However my trust issues are due to him cheating on me 2 years ago. I feel the cheating, and his mother are our 2 biggest problems. (His mother physically assaulted me on Christmas day last year.) I have tried to talk to him about all these issues for quite sometime now with no luck. He used to be so ambitious, and determined. He was so sweet and loving. But at the end of the day I love him, and I don't want to lose him. Somethings gotta give. . . Any suggestions or idea of things we can do to repair our relationship? Or just any advice in general?
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Personally, I don't believe you can fix it. It sounds like he is not done playing around and sowing wild oats. I am willing to guess he needs several more years of being immature and adolescent before he is ready for an "adult" relationship that involves responsibility and commitment. You could just let him go and see if - in a few years - he comes back ready to commit. But I have a feeling you might not want him then when you realize you are worthy of being treated better than it sounds like he is treating you now. Oh yeah - and don't give the ring back. It was a gift. 1
It's Just Me Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Sounds to me like: 1. He still wants to be a kid. 2. You are mothering him. 3. He may well be right to hesitate. 4. You two may need a break from each other for a bit. Sometimes, too much drama points to incompatibility.
MarlyStar Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Not fixable. He is miserable. Nuff said. You need to find a man instead of a project. It doesn't matter if it's for his good. If you are imposing it, he's not really changing. He wants more freedom than you are giving him. He doesn't want to be a grown up yet. You can't make him. It's not okay to be controlling even if it is for someone's own good. That's called co-dependency. The answer isn't to back off and let him do what he wants; it will make you crazy. What he IS is not what you need. You have to honor yourself and find what you need. If you just back off, he's not going to behave the way you want. You'll find yourself clenching your teeth and getting anxious. And he may grow in directions you don't like. 2
venusianx13 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I found myself in this position with my ex of 5 years. We met in our early 20's, and at first, he was loving, caring, attentive, ambitious, etc., and seemed to have a good moral compass. However, he had some friends who I didn't care for or trust (drugs, infidelity, etc.) I also very often found myself in the position of mothering him. When I tried to control what friends he hung out with, what he was allowed to do, etc., things changed. He turned into a selfish, unmotivated, drinking, drugging liar. He ended up cheating on me many times, and finally doing extensive damage to my newly purchased car, among other things. See, I pointed out here that I tried to control/change him. And then he changed for the worse. Trying to change/control your partner DOES NOT work. You two are not on the same page, it sounds... I can safely say that only after I left my last relationship (I was stuck in it until my late 20's), did I understand this...I couldn't change him, and he didn't WANT to change. Resentment had been building between us for so long, things never would have worked out. He wanted to be accepted for who he was, and vice versa. There are men out there who will simply already BE what you want in a partner. (Perhaps older, wiser, done with the party scene and looking to settle down with a nice girl.) I don't think your boyfriend is there yet. It may simply be a matter of poor timing... he probably won't be there for a few years yet... 1
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He cheated on you in the past, his mother physically abused you, he has friends who are into drugs that you want to avoid, he sits around all day and isn't working at the moment - why do you want to be with this guy? Maybe he's just not the type of guy you need, hence you've fallen into trying to make him that guy and he's resenting it and you are locked in a power struggle. It doesn't sound as if either of you are happy in this relationship and if the rules suit one of you, they won't suit the other. Has he become less responsible? If so, why do you think? If he's had to kick all his friends, he's going to feel that lack of freedom. I am not saying his friends are a good idea but they are a big part of what he is. He is the kind of guy who hangs around with friends like that and behaves like that. If you let this guy do what he wanted, what would happen? How would you feel? Why would you feel that? Would you be happy and relaxed? Would you feel secure and cared for? Would you feel respected? If not, what are the benefits of being with this guy? Might you be better off being with a guy more like you?
YellowShark Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 But at the end of the day I love him, and I don't want to lose him. Somethings gotta give. . . 1) You don't like his druggie friends. 2) He resents you because you don't like his druggie friends. 3) He wants to go and do what he wants when he wants and screw you. 4) He doesn't like your "rules." 5) He doesn't want to make compromises for the relationship anymore. 6) He is unemployed. 7) He plays PS3 all day. 8) He cheated on you 2 years ago. 9) His mother assaulted you. You need to un-love this guy, and not marry him. I've just given you 9 reasons why.
FitChick Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Uh, exactly why is this guy such a great catch? You must be desperate to settle for so little. Sad.
Med Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 For a 28 year old, you have a whole life ahead of you, far to much to be worried about such things as rules etc. You need to find someone who should would want to be with you & one who wouldn't need rules to follow. if you're having problems now, imagine years to come & by then it's far too late also a youth wasted...
Med Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 What im saying here is, dont settle for second best or bread crumps....you deserve better.
Sunlight72 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) Your boyfriend is right. You two should not be married. He tried listening to you and adopting your philosophy on life. It did not work for him, because it is not his own philosophy of life. He tried your way, and doesn't like it. If you want a husband, find a husband. You cannot make a husband from a boyfriend. You do not truly love this man and want him as your husband. You enjoyed attention and romance from him - he made a good boyfriend/playmate. A husband can be a suitor, but he is the husband character from the get-to, or he is not. I know it's confusing, because we use the same word, "boyfriend" for both the husband-suitor and the playmate-boyfriend, but they are two different types of people / relationships. Your great challenge in life is determining the difference between a boyfriend and a husband. Good Luck He's out there! Edited July 16, 2012 by Sunlight72
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