zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I recently gushed about a man I met on Pof 3 weeks ago. Well as of last night we are finished. We talked all day (by text) and had 1 to 3 hours of conversation by phone every night. This man wanted to know everything about me... in a good way. Our first date was amazing! After the date he took me walking around a lake and I could tell he really liked me. 2 days later we had another date and it was amazing as well. We had established that I wanted to wait and have sex; he respected that and I never felt rushed by him. Our 3rd date was 5 days later. I ended up staying over because we got out of the movies at 1 am (I live an hour away). There was only kissing going on. The next day we went out and I treated him to lunch.. still everything was fine. When we got back we started kissing again. He asked if we could have sex and I said no. Im not ready. We hadnt even talked about being exclusive at this point. Things got really awkward... almost desperate so I left. I let him know when I made it home and he called me; I tried to explain I didnt want to rush things. He basically told me that he understood but he thinks that we are not compatible and he was interested in things happening naturally and I wanted to pace things (im assuming sex and he has baby fever). Im divorced and have a child so I told him in a year we could talk about it. He did not come across as someone only interested in sex. And why did he bring up that we were not compatible after I refuse to have sex? However, he seemed to be what I was looking for and vice versa. I couldnt believe my ears. What could be the case here?
Radu Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Could he have understood that sex was on the table in 1yr ? If not, it's either that he wanted quick sex ... or maybe the baby fever thing. Kinda ****ty he is not forward with you.
wheream_i Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 So he "asked" you if he could have sex with you? Hilarious. Yeah, he was looking for an easy lay. He figured you were going to be too much work and he ended it. 3
carhill Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 And why did he bring up that we were not compatible after I refuse to have sex? However, he seemed to be what I was looking for and vice versa. I couldnt believe my ears. What could be the case here? Truth. No more complicated than that. My sympathies. Such is not uncommon in your circumstances.
MrCastle Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 He wanted to have sex. That's what two consenting adults who like each other do when they date. They have sex. He is not in the wrong for leaving you after not getting what he wanted, you are not in the wrong for wanting to wait. That's your personal preference. Understand though, some guys, yes, even the good ones, will only hold out for so long until they feel it's not worth the effort anymore. 2
Author zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Call me naive but I didnt realize he wanted sex until after last night. I mean we talked about our likes and dislikes with sex. We both stated what we expected out of the relationship. We held hands in public, he always made sure I was comfortable, he was a genuinely good guy. I noticed he did have insecurities about his stomach and penis (I I never saw either one) which kinda turned me off so Im not sure if he picked up on that. Im so disappointed!
MrCastle Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 He's a ****ing liar. Thought you didn't want me to respond to you anymore? Two way street, friend.
MrCastle Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Call me naive but I didnt realize he wanted sex until after last night. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, or harsh, but what were you expecting? What you're describing is a friendship, not a relationship.
carhill Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 OP, if he would have been compatible, your revelation about your sexual timing would have not been an ending, but merely a signpost to read. Things would have progressed. The truth was in his action of giving you your walking papers. This merely outlines the incompatibilities and in no way diminishes either of your relationship styles. You missed. 4
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 He did not come across as someone only interested in sex. They don't always do, why do women think a man is going to just come out like a rambling idiot in the first five minutes and then If he doesn't then he's obviously a good man? for f sakes...however I'm surprised he asked the way he did, that was pretty sad imo, but at least he did and made it clear what he was after...I mean good for you, bad for him. He just essentially wanted to rush things, he wanted to dive into this head first (starting with your vagina) and then see where it went from there. After he got a good feel for how he felt for you, then he'd decide if he would jump ship or not. Make the sense? 3
D87 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Call me naive but I didnt realize he wanted sex until after last night. What guy doesn't want sex? You were seeing each other for almost a month, how long were you going to make the poor dude wait? I understand not having sex on the first couple dates, but after that its pretty much expected if two people like each other. There are so many girls out there, I certainly wouldn't wait months to have sex with a girl... guys have "needs" you know. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 What guy doesn't want sex? You were seeing each other for almost a month, how long were you going to make the poor dude wait? I understand not having sex on the first couple dates, but after that its pretty much expected if two people like each other. There are so many girls out there, I certainly wouldn't wait months to have sex with a girl... guys have "needs" you know. Only 3 dates though, he just wasn't really interested in a relationship with her...that's all. 1
Author zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 I'm not trying to be sarcastic, or harsh, but what were you expecting? What you're describing is a friendship, not a relationship. What I was saying is that I didnt think he was expecting sex right then. I knew he wanted to but I thought he and I were on the same page as far as waiting. He brought up the fact that he could wait so I assumed this would be the case. I NEVER gave him any inclination that I didnt want to and he never made me feel like we had to rush things.
Shaun-Dro Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I recently gushed about a man I met on Pof 3 weeks ago. Well as of last night we are finished. We talked all day (by text) and had 1 to 3 hours of conversation by phone every night. This man wanted to know everything about me... in a good way. Our first date was amazing! After the date he took me walking around a lake and I could tell he really liked me. 2 days later we had another date and it was amazing as well. We had established that I wanted to wait and have sex; he respected that and I never felt rushed by him. Our 3rd date was 5 days later. I ended up staying over because we got out of the movies at 1 am (I live an hour away). There was only kissing going on. The next day we went out and I treated him to lunch.. still everything was fine. When we got back we started kissing again. He asked if we could have sex and I said no. Im not ready. We hadnt even talked about being exclusive at this point. Things got really awkward... almost desperate so I left. I let him know when I made it home and he called me; I tried to explain I didnt want to rush things. He basically told me that he understood but he thinks that we are not compatible and he was interested in things happening naturally and I wanted to pace things (im assuming sex and he has baby fever). Im divorced and have a child so I told him in a year we could talk about it. He did not come across as someone only interested in sex. And why did he bring up that we were not compatible after I refuse to have sex? However, he seemed to be what I was looking for and vice versa. I couldnt believe my ears. What could be the case here? I must ask, how old are you? And how old is he? I can come up with some kind of solution once this is established.
Author zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 I must ask, how old are you? And how old is he? I can come up with some kind of solution once this is established. Im 29 and he is 32. He also asked me was I ready to have a baby... wth?!!?!? I politely said no and explained my reason. Yea, I know men expect sex but I literally met him in person 9 days ago!! I told him this as well. So if we are incompatible and Im not the one... so be it. But im not going to spread eagle just because he feels like he needs some. 2
MrCastle Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Let me pose a hypothetical question here. What would you say if you were dating a guy and he said "look, i really like you, but i want to take things slow. so, just for right now, I won't compliment you, I won't give you emotional support, I won't make you feel wanted and desired. Not now, but when I'm ready. Just give me time." What would you do? 2
Shaun-Dro Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Im 29 and he is 32. He also asked me was I ready to have a baby... wth?!!?!? I politely said no and explained my reason. Yea, I know men expect sex but I literally met him in person 9 days ago!! I told him this as well. So if we are incompatible and Im not the one... so be it. But im not going to spread eagle just because he feels like he needs some. I thought you guys were about a decade older. That changes my answer setup. But the thing is, why are you letting him wait? What's in it for you? I kind of already have an idea, but let's hear it anyway.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Let me pose a hypothetical question here. What would you say if you were dating a guy and he said "look, i really like you, but i want to take things slow. so, just for right now, I won't compliment you, I won't give you emotional support, I won't make you feel wanted and desired. Not now, but when I'm ready. Just give me time." What would you do? The difference is.. Women want the emotional, followed by the physical.. Men just want the physical....sometimes followed by emotional or limited emotional investment, depending on the day of the week and woman Problem is men are pretty selective in that regard...the emotional investment, and women don't tend to be selective...they just want someone or something that looks good and has a decent personality to love them back and reciprocate...which is not that horrible but from the mans perspective not the most lucrative proposition.
MrCastle Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 The difference is.. Women want the emotional, followed by the physical.. Men just want the physical....sometimes followed by emotional or limited emotional investment, depending on the day of the week and woman Problem is men are pretty selective in that regard...the emotional investment, and women don't tend to be selective...they just want someone or something that looks good and has a decent personality to love them back and reciprocate...which is not that horrible but from the mans perspective not the most lucrative proposition. What I'm driving at is, men are more physical, they want sex, part of it is how it feels, but another is because guys measure girl's interest by sex. if a girl sleeps with you, she likes you, and that's a good feeling to have women are more emotional and put more emphasis on things like emotional stimulation, comfort, ego boosting, attention, etc In the dating world, men are sometimes supposed to wait to get what they want, whereas, you won't have a relationship at all if you don't give the girl what she wants I assume a girl would not wait for what she wants, she would just move on to a guy who's willing to give it to her. but if a man moves on because he's not getting what HE wants out of the relationship, he's a pig. 1
Author zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Let me pose a hypothetical question here. What would you say if you were dating a guy and he said "look, i really like you, but i want to take things slow. so, just for right now, I won't compliment you, I won't give you emotional support, I won't make you feel wanted and desired. Not now, but when I'm ready. Just give me time." What would you do? I would probably leave. However.... If I would have mentioned that I gave in... I would have been bashed for giving in too soon. Damn if I do or dont apparently. I gave him emotional support, I complimented him, I took him out, I drove 2 hours roundtrip to see him... so what are you hinting at? We both played parts in pursuing each other. This was not a one sided thing.
Author zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 I thought you guys were about a decade older. That changes my answer setup. But the thing is, why are you letting him wait? What's in it for you? I kind of already have an idea, but let's hear it anyway. I wanted to wait because I wanted to wait. After being told many times by both men and women waiting is better-- you tend to want to follow that stigma. What if every guy was like him... do I put out? And like someone said earlier, me putting out wouldnt have guaranteed anything.
carhill Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 OP, it's just a miss. As a wise LS poster once told me, just keep doing what you're doing and don't be concerned with other's perspectives. A lot of gender stereotypes are discussed here. If you're outlier, they don't apply to you.
MrCastle Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I would probably leave. However.... If I would have mentioned that I gave in... I would have been bashed for giving in too soon. Damn if I do or dont apparently. I gave him emotional support, I complimented him, I took him out, I drove 2 hours roundtrip to see him... so what are you hinting at? We both played parts in pursuing each other. This was not a one sided thing. Yes, it is a one sided thing. He gave you what you wanted without getting what he wanted in return. He obviously got tired of waiting. Again, i'm not shaming you for holding out, it's your body. But every action, even good ones, have consequences. You want to hold out on having sex? This is what happens. You run the risk of a seemingly quality guy bailing. You said yourself if you didn't get what you want you'd leave. That's all he did.
Author zanesfan Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Carhill-- thanks and I understand. Just wanted some male perspective on this situation. MrCastle, Im not offended he left. Im disappointed. If I could go back and change things I still wouldnt have done a thing. To be honest, I wasnt sure if I wanted to have sex with him yet. We seemed incompatible sexually. Im more of a freak and he seems like a prude, he was insecure about his penis (and I was too), I want someone to bring this freak out but I felt like I would be the one turning him out (although Im sure he wouldnt have been open minded to my ideas). Sex is very important to me and I was hoping I could start to look past the sexual part and focus more on his personality.
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