Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

[Plan 9 from OS]

I think many people here are too hung up on the words themselves and are not thinking about the actual meanings. It's a little short sighted to distill basic needs down to only those necessary for survival like food, water, clothing, shelter, etc. Needs are dependent upon the context of the subject matter. For an individual human being to survive, sex is not a need. However, to have a healthy marriage that will survive sex is a basic need for the marriage - at least for most marriages IMO. So although the words "duty" and "obligation" are taboo when discussing components of a marriage because it makes the idea of marriage look more like a strict contract, the reality of marriage is that both partners do in fact have obligations to hold up for each other. The single most important obligation is to love each other. But there are so many levels to what love is that this obligation branches out to a number of actions that ultimately show love. For most men (and for "X" number of women), a sexual relationship is an important component that shows that spouses love each other. IMO, if one spouse decides to no longer feel the need to have sex with their spouse, then something is seriously wrong and the problem needs to be addressed one way or another. A sexless marriage is an incomplete marriage IMO barring exceptions for if a spouse is incapable of having sex because of a medical condition, accident, etc. Bottom line is that if both spouses are perfectly capable of engaging in sex with each other, but one refuses to, then the marriage is incomplete and is a shell of what it once was.

[Stitch]

I don't think for a second that anyone in a relationship obligated to have sex.

 

However, I do understand the idea of sex being a need in a relationship, especially for men. I know that for my boyfriend sex is very important. Its one of his languages of love and when he is getting some, the world is much brighter place for him. When he feels loved and fulfilled life is great.

 

These type of threads interest me as I can't have penetrative sex anymore. I'm only 26 years old. A couple of years ago things started to get really painful for me and after a lot of visits to the gyno, and even having a biopsy to check for cancer (clear thankfully!) I've been diagnosed as having a skin disease which means that I'm extremely fragile, (even light fiction really hurts and leaves me raw) and I tear very easily. When I tear, I scar and each time it gets tighter. I've also found out its incurable and a life time deal. Sucks to be me eh?

 

Despite the fact I can't have sex, I try to make a lot of effort for my boyfriend to make sure he feels loved.

There are days when I am not interested in sex at all, Thankfully he understands that. He also understands that he had to change how to please me, we still have fun.

I really miss having penetrative sex and I know he does too. It drives me crazy. Sometimes it all really gets me down. I tell him I am sorry, but he always tells me that he'd rather be with a women who really wants him and can't have full sex than the women who has sex out of obligation. His ex once said to him on his birthday "Come on then, lets get this over with." It was a huge blow to him.

 

Sure I can't have sex, but will always make the effort for my boyfriend when I am able. That being said he does a lot for me! Since I had to live without penetrative sex my language of love has changed. However he shows he loves me in many different ways. My boyfriend is a wonderful man who does so much for me, his eyes still twinkle at me when I walk into a room, and he always really goes out of his way to surprise me with the little things in life he knows I will love, and really spoils me on my birthday.

 

 

I can appreciate that as the years go by and people age, sex does tend to go on the back burner some what.

I think if your partner isn't making time for sex any more you have to ask yourself, well what else is missing? Perhaps your missing something she thinks is your "obligation" as well. If she isn't interested then you need to find out why. I know for sure that if my boyfriend expected sex from me as his god given right there's no way in hell he'd get it. If its not a loving gift to him then I'm not giving it at all.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Stitch

[Feelin Frisky]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

IMO you are barking up an irrelevant tree when you argue in sweeping generalities about whole genders being of one sort versus another. If you have a problem with your SO you do best by dealing with just it. If she doesn't want to make whoopee with you no matter what, you have to draw the line somewhere and face that either you accept it or you don't. Opinions from third parties don't change your reality--only you can do that. Is you SO obliged? I think so in general terms--it's part of the deal. But people fall out of love all the time and some become hostile and actually develop contempt for their former lover. I don't know if a relationship recovers from contempt. You just have to come to grips with where you draw your line and then do what you have to. (Masturbation is not good enough IMO if that helps answer the question. There is a world of "senses" that we don't even learn are there which work to enhance happiness. One is scent. I can jerk off all I want but when a relationship breaks I feel the tear away of something precious I can't replace in fantasy--the scent or hair, skin, and stuff used to care for both.)

[Radagast]

I think the notion of obligation in a marriage depends on the agreement you made when you commit. If the agreement is that you will be sexually exclusive, then the concommitant agreement requires that you meet each other's (reasonable) sexual needs. If one partner decides that the needs of the other are not reasonable, then they should communicate that and at the same time negotiate how those needs can be met, or whether the relationship should end.

 

Hormonal changes during menopause are well documented, but I don't think that that equates with "drying up". My ex-wife "dried up" long before menopause, if she was ever anything but dry. My current wife shows no sign of ever drying up. From friends in their 60s and 70s I gather that a healthy active sex life typically persists long after menopause, sometimes with a little assistance but with a good deal of enthusiasm nonetheless.

 

If your physical intimacy has "dried up" I would suggest that that is a relationship issue rather than a physiological one, and one best resolved in a counsellor's office rather than a doctor's surgery.

[pteromom]

Again, the ignorance of youth speaking. You are all living under the illusion that this has something to do with the husband. It doesn't. It is biology.

 

I disagree 100%.

 

I have lost interest in sex in my marriage.

 

But when I went on vacation alone, I noticed something amazing. My sex drive came back STRONGLY. No, I didn't cheat or anything. But man, it took everything in me not to cheat.

 

When I came back home, it took all of a week for my sex drive to die again. Why? Because my husband says mean things to me, doesn't listen to me, criticizes me, and doesn't care at all about making sex good for ME. It's all about him and what he wants to do.

 

It's all a real turn-off. I don't think it has anything to do with biology. And I am in my 40s, so am not speaking from the ignorance of youth.

[pteromom]

Also, I belong to a large group of women, mostly around my age. We've talked a lot about sex in our marriages.

 

Most of them have "normal" sex lives, having sex once or twice a week, and enjoying it.

 

A few of them live in sexless marriages. Some, because their husbands don't want it. Some because they don't want it. Some because their is some medical issue either with them or their husbands.

 

A few of them have CRAZY sex lives. Still doing it daily at 50 years old; acting like teenagers in love, though they've been married 25 years.

 

All women do not lose their sex drive.

[goodthingscome]

That is nothing but the ignorance of youth speaking. Women lose the desire, plain and simple. It has nothing to do with the man.

 

I call BS on this statement!!!!!

 

Robert, I am a member of AARP, so I believe I can "qualify" for this. And I don't agree with you. Alot of times, it has "alot" to do with the man in regards to the wife's desires. Answer me this, how long would YOU put up with your wife expecting/wanting sex, getting hers, and pushing you off before you finished? Not long I bet. And since women need more then "just need" to get in the mood it becomes more work then it's worth.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm old. I'm sexy and I love sex with my husband.

 

If he thought I was "obliged" to service his "need" because he is somehow entitled to that, I would lose all sexual desire for him pretty quickly. I would probably be leaving the marriage soon, as well. I could never be sexually free, safe, and comfortable with a man who felt that way - I could not love or like a man who felt that way - and I cannot believe that having sex with a man who felt that way could be anything but a dismal experience.

 

[SoMovinOn]

A regular active sex life is an integral part of a healthy marriage. Not wanting to have sex because it's an "obligation" is like refusing to do anything, or resentfully doing it (thus taking all the fun out of it), that is necessary to a happy healthful life.

 

A healthy marriage is one in which the needs of both spouses are met, in which communication is open and honest, one which is based on love and mutual respect. Sex is not a requirement. If both choose to never have sex and are happy with that choice, neither you nor anyone else can say they are wrong.

 

Sexual compatibility *is* the key. Whether the couple enjoys it many times per day, twice per year, or never, is their choice. It's when they differ in their needs or desires when a problem arises.

 

Then the question becomes - is that all the marriage is based on?

[pteromom]

 

But plenty of them deny their husbands sex nevertheless, just like you.

 

I don't deny him sex. We have sex every couple days. I just find it difficult to get turned on with him because of the way he treats me.

 

The rest of your post - well, you don't know me at all and don't know my situation at all, and none of what you wrote applies to me. It's all generalizations based on your own biases about relationships.

[M30USA]

I don't deny him sex. We have sex every couple days. I just find it difficult to get turned on with him because of the way he treats me.

 

The rest of your post - well, you don't know me at all and don't know my situation at all, and none of what you wrote applies to me. It's all generalizations based on your own biases about relationships.

 

Who brings home most of the money? If he does, how would you feel if he said, "I would go to work today to make money for you, but I just find it difficult to get up and go every day because of the way you treat me."

 

What if he stopped fixing leaks, breaks, etc, in the house because he felt you were treating him bad?

 

Or what about taking out the trash?

 

Cooking?

 

(And who's to say that those other acts of service/love are not the same as your act of giving him your body?)

[D87]

I don't think for a second that anyone in a relationship obligated to have sex.

 

However, I do understand the idea of sex being a need in a relationship, especially for men. I know that for my boyfriend sex is very important. Its one of his languages of love and when he is getting some, the world is much brighter place for him. When he feels loved and fulfilled life is great.

 

These type of threads interest me as I can't have penetrative sex anymore. I'm only 26 years old. A couple of years ago things started to get really painful for me and after a lot of visits to the gyno, and even having a biopsy to check for cancer (clear thankfully!) I've been diagnosed as having a skin disease which means that I'm extremely fragile, (even light fiction really hurts and leaves me raw) and I tear very easily. When I tear, I scar and each time it gets tighter. I've also found out its incurable and a life time deal. Sucks to be me eh?

 

Despite the fact I can't have sex, I try to make a lot of effort for my boyfriend to make sure he feels loved.

There are days when I am not interested in sex at all, Thankfully he understands that. He also understands that he had to change how to please me, we still have fun.

I really miss having penetrative sex and I know he does too. It drives me crazy. Sometimes it all really gets me down. I tell him I am sorry, but he always tells me that he'd rather be with a women who really wants him and can't have full sex than the women who has sex out of obligation. His ex once said to him on his birthday "Come on then, lets get this over with." It was a huge blow to him.

 

Sure I can't have sex, but will always make the effort for my boyfriend when I am able. That being said he does a lot for me! Since I had to live without penetrative sex my language of love has changed. However he shows he loves me in many different ways. My boyfriend is a wonderful man who does so much for me, his eyes still twinkle at me when I walk into a room, and he always really goes out of his way to surprise me with the little things in life he knows I will love, and really spoils me on my birthday.

 

 

I can appreciate that as the years go by and people age, sex does tend to go on the back burner some what.

I think if your partner isn't making time for sex any more you have to ask yourself, well what else is missing? Perhaps your missing something she thinks is your "obligation" as well. If she isn't interested then you need to find out why. I know for sure that if my boyfriend expected sex from me as his god given right there's no way in hell he'd get it. If its not a loving gift to him then I'm not giving it at all.

 

What about anal sex?

[summerdowling87]

Try it this way.

 

If a woman simply loses the desire for sex due to biology, should the husband just leave? Is that what you all are advocating?

 

What if the husband can't get it up naturally do to biology should the wife leave?

[pteromom]

Who brings home most of the money?

 

We both do.

 

If he does, how would you feel if he said, "I would go to work today to make money for you, but I just find it difficult to get up and go every day because of the way you treat me."

 

What if he stopped fixing leaks, breaks, etc, in the house because he felt you were treating him bad?

 

Or what about taking out the trash?

 

Cooking?

 

(And who's to say that those other acts of service/love are not the same as your act of giving him your body?)

 

Ok - and I do give him my body. And I take out the trash. And I cook. And I fix things in the house. And I get up every day to make money. And many other things.

 

But there is a difference in getting up and going to work, which isn't JUST about the marriage. I get fulfillment from my job, I have friends there, and my paycheck benefits me as well as my family. My desire to work doesn't rely on anything my husband does.

 

Sex though is something that only has to do with the two people involved. In order for someone to want to have sex in a relationship, they have to feel loved and valued. I think it is unreasonable to expect someone (male OR female) to want to have sex with someone who is not nice to them.

[Kamille]

For most men, it is exactly that, darling. A requirement.

 

Then no wonder there are so many angry resentful men on this forum. Where on Earth did they grow up to believe they were entitled to sex?

[Badsingularity]

A man should learn how to be attractive to women so that she will naturally want him.

 

Women should only marry men they find attractive and that know how to be attractive to women.

 

obligated. what a weird word.

[Robert Z]

Then no wonder there are so many angry resentful men on this forum. Where on Earth did they grow up to believe they were entitled to sex?

 

And therein lies the rub, my dear. It isn't a matter of believing, it is genetic programming.

 

Want the proof? Look at the lengths men will go to for sex. Men will commonly risk everything to satisfy the need for sex. They are driven from almost the moment puberty hits. And I would argue that once one gets beyond the initial teen years, at least, this isn't just about sex. It is also about the need for human touch and intimacy. And just as MissBee pointed out about women in the thread about vibrators

 

A vibrator can never replace real life human intimacy.

 

Likewise, masturbation can never replace the touch of an engaged and willing woman, preferrably someone you care about. But love isn't absolutely necessary to satisfy our most basic needs, as it turns out, based on my experience. And I think that is what fundamentally offends many women. They are unable to accept that men want or need sex whether they are feeling romantic or not.

[sally4sara]

And therein lies the rub, my dear. It isn't a matter of believing, it is genetic programming.

 

They are unable to accept that men want or need sex whether they are feeling romantic or not.

 

If you had fact to back up your argument that would be one thing but you're plain and simple LYING and exaggerating that sex with another person is a need. If it were fact, men ranging from monks to men who were born exceedingly physically unattractive would keel over and die. They don't.

 

So stating over and over again that women should be obligated to have sex with someone who has put them completely off of any desire is a self serving, hateful, manipulative tactic. I agree that if someone in a marriage has been treated in a manner that has them entirely put off by sex with their partner that relationship should end. Its dysfunctional on many levels not just sexual so what would be the point in continuing it?

 

Its the attitude that women reach a particular age and suddenly don't want sex that is laughable. You want women to be responsible for your sexual desire (that you point out doesn't require love to be a part of - another very telling thing about you and why women don't want you unless you pay them) but you don't want to be responsible for why a woman wouldn't desire sex with you. So you try to pin it on age and biology when nigh every one of your posts indicated you slept through biology and health class and never sought out the subject for knowledge.

 

It just boils down to women you had sex with don't want sex with you there after.

[Got it]

Are there actual obligations in a marriage?

 

I believe that any relationship has a set of expectations and boundaries that each party has brought to the table and they have tacitly or expressively agreed upon. Like any partnership one lays out their expectations for the interaction of the other party and (hopefully) what they will bring to the table as well.

 

We all prioritize things differently, if sex is a high priority for one, they need to make sure that is expressed from the get go. If one party changes that, in an ideal world, it is brought up again and both parties work to reaching a compromise. I am not going to argue whether sex is a basic need. If you feel it is for you then it is. If both parties cannot agree about a boundary or expectation then possible outcomes need to be discussed and explored.

 

My fiance and I were just discussing something similar this weekend. Sex is such a tricky part to a relationship because it involved both parties but is about the individual's need. What I mean, in a relationship one part can unilaterally decided to stop the sex between the two of them (as forcing them would be rape). One party can also say that they do not want the other to find another outlet, e.g. porn, another person, etc. So by this it seems that one's sexuality is owned by the partnership, but is it? Who owns one's sexuality?

 

In my thinking, if the sexuality is owned by the partnership if one were to shut down sex, they would need to bring to the table reasonable and acceptable compromises to alleviate this change. Without it you are negating the other person's needs.

 

Of course this scenario, sex can be replaced with attention, loving acts, etc.

 

Ultimately what is most important is that each person in the partnership is working hard to find compromises to service the other person's needs without negating themselves in the process. The desire to make the other party happy is as important as making one's self happy.

[Pierre]

Some of the best sex I ever had was when I was not in the mood and my partner jumped me. I would start a bit uninterested and then had the best orgasms. Probably because i had low expectations.

 

Then, when i was super horny and eager my expectations were very high and the orgasms seemed a bit more mundane.

 

The best sex organ is the BRAIN.

[Pierre]

When either partner is not interested it simply means the other partner is not meeting the emotional needs.

[frozensprouts]

this thread seems to be getting a little weird...

 

is the OP saying that in general terms, men need sex and women should feel obligated to give it to them?

 

This is kind of a strange notion, as if one is to think about it, the biological purpose of sex is procreation...not the pleasurable feelings associated with the act of sex itself. Does this mean that , if one feels that men are entitled to sex because is it a biological imperative, then the tradeoff would be that a woman should be able to freely reproduce every time with no complaint from the male, as, after all, it's a biological urge to reproduce.

 

The whole thing sounds pretty silly to me...

 

Yes sex is a biological drive, but no one ever died from lack of sex. Therefore, it would seem to me that instead of viewing sex as some sort of biological entitlement of men ( or women too), perhaps it would be better to view it as a gift that one person can give to another...within a marriage, it is a gift and an expression of love- a way to bond more closely together.

You do it because you want to be as close to your spouse as you possibly can, and because it makes them happy...it's very degrading to both men and women alike to treat it as an obligation.

[carhill]

obligatedpast participle, past tense of ob·li·gate (Verb)

 

Verb:

• Bind or compel (someone), esp. legally or morally.
  
• Commit (assets) as security: "the money must be obligated within 30 days".
  

 

 

Partners who choose to commit to each other, all the way back to their most elementary commitment of dating exclusively, bind and obligate themselves to their partner through moral and, later, legal contracts.

 

 

 

Those obligations do not exist in a vacuum. They are part of the continuum of the couple's non-legal and, later, legal marital contract.

 

 

 

 

 

If one wishes to abrogate their legal and moral obligations, it requires notice and renegotiation of the contract; if one chooses to ignore or avoid their obligations/discussion of them/renegotiation of them, one makes that choice fully cognizant of the consequences, some of which can be/are adverse to the person making said choice.

 

 

If a marital partner freely commits to making love exclusively and voluntarily with their partner, and later reneges on that commitment, that has consequences as remedy for their abandonment of their obligation which was formed by their free and voluntary commitment.

 

 

 

I'll get to the slippery slope next....

[eeyore1981]

Who brings home most of the money? If he does, how would you feel if he said, "I would go to work today to make money for you, but I just find it difficult to get up and go every day because of the way you treat me."

 

What if he stopped fixing leaks, breaks, etc, in the house because he felt you were treating him bad?

 

Or what about taking out the trash?

 

Cooking?

 

(And who's to say that those other acts of service/love are not the same as your act of giving him your body?)

 

BBM

 

So, the man would get no benefit from this money he makes, it's all for the benefit of the wife? Because if a woman is having sex as an obligation, she is certainly not getting any benefit from it.

 

This is a good metaphor, though. Saying the wife has an obligation to have sex with her husband x number of times regardless of what she wants to me is like saying the husband has the obligation to make x amount of dollars, determined by the wife, in order for the wife to have the lifestyle she wants, and what the husband wants in this matter, whether he likes what job or career he has to do to make this amount of money, doesn't matter, and furthermore, if he does not meet the x amount of dollars required by the wife, he is lacking.

 

I think there is something seriously wrong with a person expecting another person to have sex with them against their wishes.

[eeyore1981]

And while I'm on the subject, I'm going to go a little off topic (but is it really?) and say I find it disturbing how women are viewed and treated in our society. Even today, there is still a double standard. It's not everyone, but in my opinion, there is still way too much of the shades of attitude of women being on the planet to serve men, of men having more value than women.

 

It's in movies, tv shows, and life. You see a movie about some geeky ugly guy all crushing on the beautiful cheerleader, and unless the cheerleader gives him a shot, she's portrayed as a b*tch and he's portrayed as the wonderful guy. There's rarely anything about ugly geeky girl crushing on handsome football jock, but when there is, it's usually guy is portrayed as long-suffering, and girl is portrayed as pathetic, who finally wakes up and gives ugly geeky guy friend who has been pining for her a chance...

 

Did you every hear anything said about ugly, morbidly obese Ted Kennedy with his bloodshot red alcoholic face? Nope, but there's no getting away from every woman politician on the planet being critiqued for her hairstyle, what she wears, is she overweight, etc. etc. etc., and if she's pretty or ugly.

 

Men, most women, when they hear how they are obligated or you are owed something when there is a marriage, they are going to take that as you feel with your marriage contract you have bought and paid for them, which is not going to make for a good sex life. It's especially laughable to me when women now have the opportunities to do for themselves all the things they used to have to depend on a man for back when women were little more than domestic slaves. (That's right, couldn't vote, couldn't own property...) As far as taking out the trash, etc., again, if you think you are doing that for 'her', no wonder your sex life is off, do you not live there, too, do you not have some responsiblility for the running of the household? Again, it's just this attitude of the wife being the servant that eventually can creep in and ruin any chance of having a meaningful sex life, but that's just my two cents...