Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

[Robert Z]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

Edited July 15, 2012 by Robert Z

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think people who are married or otherwise seriously involved have a covenant to take care of each other in many ways.

 

Once the term "obligated" comes into it, though, I think the whole thing is washed up. Obligatory sex is horrid.

 

As I have said before, your assertion that men NEED to have sex with live human bodies and are entitled to have this NEED met even if the person does not want to, is bunk.

 

I think that having sex if I am feeling emotionally abandoned by my husband or something just because I am "obligated" is not really comparable to him telling me my new dress looks nice. It's funny that you think so. Many of the things you express about your opinions about sex and the role it plays in a relationship make me have plenty of ideas about why your wife turned off to you.

 

I do think that if a person decides to selfishly ignore his or her partners needs (the ones that they are capable of meeting) and the unhappiness this causes, they ARE "obligated" to do something about it, or risk losing the relationship.

[SarahRose]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

I would hope you aren't a slob and would do these things if you were single. It is called taking care of yourself and your home.

 

Women get turned off when husbands treat them like a maid and the home like a hotel. Women get turned off by lazy men who insist on acting like animals who can't even pick up their own socks. Women get turned off by selfish boring men who thinks rubbing it on her backside a couple of times before sticking it in is foreplay. Women get turned off by men who suddenly forget how to bathe and keep themselves clean once they get married.

 

Which of these are you doing? Show the list to your wife and she will tell you, then you can fix it.

[USMCHokie]

If a woman ever associated sex with obligation, she'd never be my wife/life partner/significant other...

 

However, I'm sure I'm too naive to know the realities of long term relationships for which I have little experience...

[SoMovinOn]

I had to check to see if the original post was something quoted from the 1950's.

 

In my experience, any guy who feels his wife has an "obligation" to fulfill his needs for sex, probably doesn't do much of anything to make her want to participate in such activities. It's more likely he makes her feel every bit that it's an obligation to provide a hole he can jerk off in, and nothing more.

 

I think the OP indicates a M which has some serious issues which go well beyond sex.

[NXS]

The OP makes a perfectly valid point, we continuously hear women talk about "getting their needs met" yet if a man 'needs' sex it's somehow turned into an obligation. Why then should a man be nothing more than an emotional tampon or pack mule for her needs?

 

IMO if you don't see that marriage contains obligations then don't get married. Stay single and free from other's expectations.

[Els]

Saying your partner is 'obligated' to have sex is exactly the same as saying your partner is 'obligated' to tell you that they love you. And yes, I have actually heard about a couple in which the gf made a 'rule' that the bf had to tell her he loved her everytime they spoke on the phone. Sure, both are incredibly important to a R, but making them 'obligations' nullifies the entire point of the act. And being unable to see the difference between the two says a lot about a person.

[sally4sara]

We have zillions of threads about women being entitled. How isn't it an entitled attitude to call something that isn't one of the basic life necessities a need and then suggest that certain ways that "need" can be met is beneath the person insisting its a need?

 

I'm always suspicious when I hear phrases like "Men need and X alternative isn't good enough". There is nothing men want enough to call it a need that isn't also highly important to EVERYONE - not just men.

 

So since we pretty much all value sexual pleasure - if your supply has dried up, SOMEONE isn't getting pleasure out of it (anymore).

[Robert Z]

Wow, a public flogging!!!

 

I think you are all missing the point, presumably because you are too young to understand the problem. Though many women who are old enough to get it probably don't want to hear it because their position is inherently selfish.

 

Women lose the desire for sex. This has nothing to do the soundness of the relationship. It is a simple matter of biology. But then comes the attitude that once she's done, he's done.

 

Okay, so let me understand the consensus here. Sex only lasts in a relationship as long as a woman feels like. After that, if the husband doesn't like it, he can leave, right?

 

Do you have any idea how many middle-aged women would be abandoned if all men took this attitude? Do you realize that most women lose interest? What you are effectively telling me is that marriage should be abandoned as an institution. That, or men should just cheat on their wives as a regular practice.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

As I have said before, your assertion that men NEED to have sex with live human bodies and are entitled to have this NEED met even if the person does not want to, is bunk.

 

Which is the bunk, the need, or the entitlement based on love. You lumped them into one sentence. And what is the basis for your assertion, because you don't like it? Is there any logic to this or is this just an emotional reaction?

 

Are women not entitled to have their husbands take care of their needs? I think so. I always saw this as part of the responsiblity of being married.

[anne1707]

The deal has to go both ways OP. If you cannot show tenderness, love and respect for your wife then she will not have the desire to have sex with you.

 

If you want, you have to give.

[Robert Z]

So since we pretty much all value sexual pleasure - if your supply has dried up, SOMEONE isn't getting pleasure out of it (anymore).

 

That is nothing but the ignorance of youth speaking. Women lose the desire, plain and simple. It has nothing to do with the man.

[Robert Z]

The deal has to go both ways OP. If you cannot show tenderness, love and respect for your wife then she will not have the desire to have sex with you.

 

If you want, you have to give.

 

Again, the ignorance of youth speaking. You are all living under the illusion that this has something to do with the husband. It doesn't. It is biology.

 

Come on ladies and gentleman, face the truth. In all likelihood, this is your future.

[anne1707]

Again, the ignorance of youth speaking. You are all living under the illusion that this has something to do with the husband. It doesn't. It is biology.

 

Come on ladies and gentleman, face the truth. In all likelihood, this is your future.

 

How old do you think I am? And how old are you seeing as you think you are the expert here?

[Kamille]

Women lose their desire for sex? Ooh I can't wait! It'll make being single so much easier!

 

Women are inherently selfish? This coming from someone who wishes the world revolved around his sexual needs?

 

Listen, your point is fair: sex and intimacy are important to most in their relationship. What will happen when their sex-lives waned is something partners can and should discuss before commitment... Because it will happen and it won't always be the wife who will not always be in the mood. It is up to each couple to discuss how they will manage this. But trying to make a rule that obligates an entire gender to be at the mercy of another's sexual whims? Now that's just entitlement.

[Robert Z]

How old do you think I am? And how old are you seeing as you think you are the expert here?

 

I can only judge by your level of sophistication. You are talking like someone who is too young to understand.

 

I am in my mid 50s. I have watched the pattern with friends, family, and aquaintances, for decades. And the story is almost always the same. At some point women just lose interest.

 

Drying up is part of the problem. That is what happens, and then women stop enjoying sex.

[anne1707]

I can only judge by your level of sophistication. You are talking like someone who is too young to understand.

 

I am in my mid 50s. I have watched the pattern with friends, family, and aquaintances, for decades. And the story is almost always the same. At some point women just lose interest.

 

You are so wrong. So very wrong.

 

I am very much in my forties and do very much desire my husband and love having sex with him. Maybe because he doesn't treat me as an object/prostitute....

[todreaminblue]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

 

I think in a loving marriage that is based on understanding, mutual respect and give and take....that obligation doesnt come up..... making love not just sex continues regularly to be a part of showing you continue to share love for one another and both partners enjoy the intimacy...i have found that in marriages of my friends when there have been problems intimacy is the first to start to decline..feeling obligated to have sex not make love....is showing there may be issues that need to be dealt with.....and if one partner is left hanging for it and put off all the time.....the marriage is out of whack ..deb

[Robert Z]

You are so wrong. So very wrong.

 

I am very much in my forties and do very much desire my husband and love having sex with him. Maybe because he doesn't treat me as an object/prostitute....

 

Ah, so now you are passing judgment on me because my wife was an abusive bitch. Okay no problem, I understand the need to deflect blame. But understand that I left her some time ago.

 

You are lucky. Talk to me in another five years. My sister is in her 40s and had as loving of a relationship as anyone I've ever known. But suddenly she dried up and that was it. Her ever so loving husband has been on his own ever since. Do you think that is right?

[anne1707]

Ah, so now you are passing judgment on me because my wife was an abusive bitch. Okay no problem, I understand the need to deflect blame.

 

You are lucky. Talk to me in another five years. My sister is in her 40s and had as loving of a relationship as anyone I've ever known. But suddenly she dried up and that was it. Her ever so loving husband has been on his own ever since. Do you think that is right?

 

Whoa, excuse me but I have not read any posts about you and your wife. I do know however that you use prostitutes which is a loveless, contractual transaction as such.

[carhill]

Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

 

IMO, no. Like any other choice, 'yes' or 'no' has consequences.

[Robert Z]

Try it this way.

 

If a woman simply loses the desire for sex due to biology, should the husband just leave? Is that what you all are advocating?

[Kamille]

Try it this way.

 

If a woman simply loses the desire for sex due to biology, should the husband just leave? Is that what you all are advocating?

 

If sex was the only thing holding his interest in the relationship, than yes.

[anne1707]

If any partner loses the desire/physical ability to have sex then it would be hoped that as a couple they woulf look to examine why this may be the case and is there a solution which will allow for desire/ability to be rikindled. It must also be remembered that sexual desire/ability could be lost due to medical issues that may come with age and for which there is no absolute remedy. However there may be other ways of having intimacy without full intercourse. It can also be that a couple agree that whilst there may be no sex, the emotional connection and love they have for each other binds them together and is more than enough.

 

If however one person loses desire/physical ability for no particular reason and does not want to deal with it, work with their partner towards a solution then that may be the end of the relationship.

[carhill]

Another way of looking at it is that we train people how to treat us. If more husbands 'left' and had provided protection for themselves with up-front marital contracts, over time this would teach those women who 'dry up' that it isn't a profitable nor effective road in life and relationships and that they should try something else. Of course, marital dynamics are a complex subject, but the focus of this thread is on obligatory sex.