klowzure Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Both early 20's, known each other for 6 years, always been intimate, flirting etc never (just friends).. there has always been an attraction ready to act on. Anyway, we acted on it in January on my 20th birthday, and we got together. She's my first "real love", no other girl has ever compared with the way I feel about her, and I'm heartbroken that she's gone.. She knows I love her, she apparently loved me too.. but if she did.. she would have tried harder to fix our bull**** and got through it... we started fighting all the time and she got tired of it and walked away because we were not making each other happy... That was 5 weeks ago, now it's been 4 weeks of no contact, she hasn't reached out once, she is getting on with her life.. moving on as if I never existed, I don't know if she has even thought about me once.. I contacted her 2 days ago accusing her of sleeping with other guys already.. I have no real knowledge that this is true but she must be.. how can she just cut me out of her life completely after 6 years of knowing each other, 5 months of being together as a couple apparently "inlove"... we planned a future together. This is what I need answers to, WHY ISN'T SHE HURTING!!!! Why doesn't she have an uncontrollable urge to contact me like I do for her??? Why isn't she giving me answers? If she contacted me and said something like "look it was just an ordinary casual relationship deep things got said in the moment which never really ment anything and I've never felt the want/need to contact you since its been over"... FINE! GOOD! I COULD WORK WITH THAT!!! But she's not giving me anything to work with! I contacted asking her answers and basically she says "we've already been through it all, I don't want to go through it again".. but we haven't, I don't feel like I've got any closure at all. I don't think she realises that this is something which has to be done.. I'm a heartbroken person and need some ****ing answers she's not being fair.
DMS Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 While I understand the want for answers, have you considered that maybe she just doesnt have any? My ex has done much the same thing, but I have been no contact for 6 weeks now. Is it hard? Sure does and some days I miss her alot but it gets a bit easier as time goes on. The thing I had to realize is that for whatever reason she felt like she could do better elsewhere so she left. I truly hope and have told her that I hope it works out for her. Of course you did yourself no favors breaking no contact to accuse her of sleeping with others. But then so what if she is? She chose to end the relationship and what she does now is her business. It stinks but you have to view no contact as a way to heal, not a way to get her back. If that is to happen she has to choose it and nothing you do or say can force the issue.
Author klowzure Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) While I understand the want for answers, have you considered that maybe she just doesnt have any? Well she better find some, because in mine and her situation, she has things to answer for.. It's not fair if she doesn't, I need closure, when you love somebody who left your life, and you try to imagine the future and loving somebody else but you can't.. that's when you need the closure to think back on.. I don't have any, so I'm stuck. Edited July 13, 2012 by klowzure
Philosoraptor Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 You'll get no closure from her, it truly does come from within. She also owes you nothing. Your expectations are hurting you more than anything. She might be out there screwing everyone, she might be spending time working on herself and through her pain in a mature way. Either way it doesn't matter because what you two had is over. She seems to accept it and is working through it while you're caught in your anger. Again, nothing she can say will bring you any sort of closure... only more questions. She's doing what she feels is the best for her to move on and you need to start doing the same. Being angry at her and throwing a pity party isn't going to make things any better for you. There are a ton of stories here about people dropping out of their lives after 5, 10, 15, 20 years and more. Imagine having a life built with someone and them just disappear and change. It sucks, but these people get through it without having any sort of "closure" from anyone else. They pick themselves up, work on personal growth, and get on with their lives. Personally I made a bucket list then jumped out of an airplane, it worked to get me started on my path to healing. 1
rayne05us Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Not to be offensive, but look how you're acting dude. Coming from a female, this can be a turn-off to begin with. You're acting so demanding of her, needy and accusing her of things. Nobody should be made to put up with that, in love or not. You just went through the hell of fighting for what seems like an eternity and now you want answers from her? You have to put yourself in her shoes and figure out what YOU did wrong first. And give her some space to breathe. She's prob going through a bunch of different emotions right now, she doesn't kow how she feels. I'm going through the same thing right now. It was so easy for me to point the finger and blame, when the problem was staring in the face every single day, I just never stopped to look at me with the problem. I let my insecurities get the best of me and run my relastionship when I should have just discussed them instead of trying to suppress them. I thought I was doing good by not bringing it up, but those insecurities reared their ugly head in other ways and I couldn't recognize it. And I lost the one person who actually loved me for me. If you love her like you say you do, you'll do the same. Best of luck 1
Sebastian76 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 First of all, you don't know the first thing about what she feels, so don't assume. She is probably repulsed right now after that pathetic accusing message you sent her, and rightfully so. It is unfair and exceptionally hard to get on with your life without closure, but unfortunately it is not something you can demand. She seemingly found closure herself, so don't feel like ripping up old wounds. You need to accept that it is over and start working on your new you. Right now the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU, so start taking that responsibility seriously and stop wasting your life by putting it in the hands of your ex. I would go NC right away, as you need time to work on yourself and get your self esteem back on track. You could of course ask her politely if she could possibly spend half an hour to talk to you, because you need closure and answers to some questions in order to get on with your life - not to argue or accuse but to get answer to (fair) questions. If she agrees fine, if not so be it. Just don't expect her to say what you need to hear. I broke up with my ex two months ago (she overstepped my boundaries and I kicked her out). I have gone NC since. I desperately needed answers and was in a lot of pain, but now I realize that closure truly is something that must come from within. For me closure is the state where I know that I can be happy without her, don't care what she does or thinks and basically don't want her back in my life. Two months of NC has helped me getting closer to that point, but it was painful of course. And by the way NC includes not checking her FB, friends FB etc. I installed filters on my browser to avoid seeing things that only prevent me from moving. I relapse once in a while and it so evident that when that happens I am depressed for days with low self esteem. When I stay clean from FB stalking I feel just fine, can flirt with new lovely women and focus on my own life. Best of luck, // Seb
Eddie Edirol Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 She will never give you closure, because she might know that talking to you will only make you want to talk to hert more, not less. Any answers she gives you wont be satisfying. So leave her alone. Also, if you are this demanding of her, thats why she has no desire to contact you, she probably feels relieved that she is away from you. So learn from this. Whatever you did to kill her attraction to you, jealousy, demands, dont do this with the next girl. If its only been 5 months, she might have been telling you she was in love with you to keep the flow going, but wasnt really in love with you. Maybe she wanted to, but couldnt because of how you were acting.
Author klowzure Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I think you guys are being pussies to be honest, catering excuses for her, letting it go her way and be easier for her, I'm not a pushover and not gonna let it happen like that, I will get my closure, I've given her space and time what she needed, now I want what I need... You don't leave somebody you love just because you were going through a bad patch, you get through it and come out stronger on the other side, you don't fallout of love with somebody because you argued for 2 weeks... if this is the case then she never loved me in the first place, but she continues to insist that she did love me and did want to spend the rest of her life with me.... NO, THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN IN THE REAL WORLD. I WANT THE TRUTH.. YES SHE DOES "OWE" ME THE TRUTH, AND I DESERVE IT AT THE VERY LEAST
Author klowzure Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I dont care if its needy, pushing, crazy, desperate or whatever. I've discovered what love can do to a man, and right now I'm weak.. I've tried the no contact approach, I've tried the moving on, read every single tip and piece of advice known to man... And why should I live 1 second longer feeling like this, when deep down in her heart and mind the answer I need to be able to move on are there!
rayne05us Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I understand you're really upset... You have to give yourself time to heal a little bit before you even start trying to get answers from her again. You have to love YOURSELF enough to do that. I know how much it hurts and that empty feeling. But she respected herself and you actually to leave because it was getting so toxic. Maybe if you have a clean break you can leave the bad relationship behind and start a good one. But right you're way too emotional to be doing anything but give yourself time. It WILL go AWAY, I promise you this. It will stop hurting so much and once it does, maybe you can take a good hard look at everything and see it for what it is. I know I KNOW this is something you don't want to hear right now, I get that. But once you face it, it WILL become easier.
rayne05us Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I'm not getting paid to post this at all, but this guy REALLY helped me alot understanding what I was going through. HEre are a couple videos. I hope you will listen to what he is saying and really take it in. Relationship Breakup-How To Not Go Crazy - YouTube How Does 'No Contact' Help Me Get My Ex Back? - YouTube 2 Things You MUST Have After a Breakup - YouTube Good luck!
Philosoraptor Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 She owes you nothing and you're only going to make a fool of yourself. Right now you're right, you're weak. You're expecting this to be a quick process but it isn't. It takes months and sometimes years to fully recover. What you lack is patience and any conversation with her is just going to continue to show her that she made the right decision here. Right now she's closed her heart to you so you'll get nothing but bullcrap answers that will just confuse you more and leave you more of a wreck. It doesn't really matter how she felt in the past, all that matters is how she feels now. She doesn't want to be with you and that's good enough. If someone doesn't want to be with you exactly how you are naturally then they aren't the one for you anyways. But no matter what anyone says you've already made up your mind. I hope you at least learn your lesson from this and can find your path to healing. 2
Sebastian76 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think you guys are being pussies to be honest, catering excuses for her, letting it go her way and be easier for her, I'm not a pushover and not gonna let it happen like that, I will get my closure, I've given her space and time what she needed, now I want what I need... You don't leave somebody you love just because you were going through a bad patch, you get through it and come out stronger on the other side, you don't fallout of love with somebody because you argued for 2 weeks... if this is the case then she never loved me in the first place, but she continues to insist that she did love me and did want to spend the rest of her life with me.... NO, THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN IN THE REAL WORLD. I WANT THE TRUTH.. YES SHE DOES "OWE" ME THE TRUTH, AND I DESERVE IT AT THE VERY LEAST You are in deep **** my friend! I can honestly see why she left you being such a control freak. You still think of her as 'yours' and that she owes you something - well she do dont! She is a free person to do whatever the f*** she pleases, including stepping all over your feelings by leaving you. Don't let her by keeping your distance. It is tough and it hurts but it is not like a business arrangement - it's called love (or no love). Who cares whether she loved you once, that was then. Love can disappear into thin air, it is just a state of mind. Now you are just an ex that she dont want to be with - accept it or loose your mind! The way you wrote "now I want what I need..." sounds really scary to me! Please don't go down the psycho path, you will loose all self respect, end up with a restraining order and believe you will not get anything useful from her. Stop being so stubborn, accept that she do not want to spend the rest of her life with you after all, and start living the rest of life as quickly as you possibly can... 1
Samilia Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Well you say that you were fighting daily, why would she miss that? Apparently she wasn't as much into you as you were, since it took her all that time to give it a go, it didn't work, the friendship is ruined, she moved on. You're left with anger and questions, that's normal. I would avoid the angry calls accusing her of sleeping around though, she's single, she's free to do whatever she wants. Not the best way to get her back, if there is anything to get back, I don't think so. By the way you describe it, the relationship has died.
DMS Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 You say you are in your early 20s then proceed to tell us how things work " in the real world " while also complaining of how "unfair" this is. With the demanding and childlike attitude you are displaying I honestly am not suprised she did not respond to youf message as it was probably written in much the same tone. As far as "needing" closure that is not the case at all... you want it but do not need it to survive. I was in the same boat a few months back I wanted to know what it was that pushed the girl I love and wanted to marry away. You know what I got? Silence. It was then that I realized that no matter what I said did or asked nothing except her could change the fact she left, but I could do everything to better myself either for when she returns or the next girl who comes along who will get a better version of me than the ex had. I would suggest working on you and letting her sort her out. If one day you get answers down the road great but if not you have already moved on.
Sugarkane Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Sorry I doubt you will get any answers. And it you do usually nothing they say makes any sense.
Samilia Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think you guys are being pussies to be honest, catering excuses for her, letting it go her way and be easier for her, I'm not a pushover and not gonna let it happen like that, I will get my closure, I've given her space and time what she needed, now I want what I need... You don't leave somebody you love just because you were going through a bad patch, you get through it and come out stronger on the other side, you don't fallout of love with somebody because you argued for 2 weeks... if this is the case then she never loved me in the first place, but she continues to insist that she did love me and did want to spend the rest of her life with me.... NO, THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN IN THE REAL WORLD. I WANT THE TRUTH.. YES SHE DOES "OWE" ME THE TRUTH, AND I DESERVE IT AT THE VERY LEAST Eh that's not a bad patch, that's a dead squirrel in the middle of the road. But let me give you your closure. She left you because you're a control freak, you were overprotective, jealous, making drama out of everything, you claimed ownership of her. And you use caps, that's the main deal breaker.
Author klowzure Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Sure... I'm a control freak because she overreacted to a couple of weeks of arguing and walked away from our relationship... and now I'm venting about it on LS, rightfully angry and demanding closure because I'm in a bad place and the answer I need are the only things which will boost my morale on the situation... In no way shape or form was I ever controlling in the relationship, I loved her, I never disrespected her, but now she has so easily and heartlessly done this to me... why should I respect her now?
rayne05us Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 See, that's what we're trying to help you understand. There is NO possible way she is going to give you the answers you want if you're this upset. And to be honest, if it was just a couple weeks of fighting, maybe she just needed a break or some space. But you demanding she tell you what happened is just going to push her away forever....it's not the break that loses them it's what happens during the break. You have to give it some time and once you can have a calm conversation with her....try a different approach! Cuz clearly the one you're trying isn't working for ya!.
esteem-jam Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 You know what *sometimes* helps me? So you say she is a *****. Guess what, in this world it is legal to be a prostitute. If you ask: why are you such a b**** or s***? Because its legit. Or you say: You are such a ****! Then, even if she is, it is free advertising for her =)
Crila16 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Why would you ever call and scream at her, accusing her of cheating on you. First off, I believe she made it clear that it was over. She couldn't possibly have been cheating on you...second, you just confirmed to her the reason why she broke up with you. She was sick and tired of the fighting. Look...I'm not blaming you or saying that it was all your fault. I know it hurts...and have been there myself too many times than I care to count. I've had the boyfriends that all we did was fight and fight. It's exhausting. It makes you think...is this what love is? Is it really this exhausting and complicated? It was soooo much fun at first, now I'm starting to hate the person and I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. I'm not saying this girl is gone forever, but you gotta stop accusing her of cheating or anything else, just because of your insecurities. She's going to start to hate you. The best advice I can give, is to let her breathe...and let the entire relationship breathe for a bit. It's only been 5 weeks (which I know seems like an eternity to you), but she did pick up the phone when you called, so she does still care about you. Just stop. Get control of your emotions, before they get out of control and you do something you regret. Stop torturing yourself by thinking of her being with other men. It's not her doing it to you and hurting you...it's you hurting you. She's just trying to take a step back for herself. She's not going to stay with you right now if she doesn't want to, just to prevent you from having a broken heart. That's unfair to her. If you love her as much as you say...let her go if that's what she needs. It's ok for you to hurt and miss her, but stop trying to hold on to her so tight. Again...let it breathe. You will be just fine. Promise. 1
df1304 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I understand that you are hurting and upset, and that you just want everything to be back to normal, because like so many people here I know the feeling. My ex, first boyfriend and first person I ever loved, ended the relationship out of the blue seemingly for no reason and refused for weeks to give me any kind of closure at all for the situation. It's so confusing and frustrating when all you want is a reason, even if there's no hope of fixing the relationship, you just want a reason and they can't or won't give it to you. But you're acting really immature. Maybe it is really unfair that she won't talk to you, but honestly, I would cut off contact with you too if you'd called me to accuse me of sleeping around. Besides, no matter how wrong or unfair she is being, that is not the point anymore. From the sound of it, the relationship is over. I'm so sorry. But it's not your problem anymore whether she's justified in her actions. All you need to worry about right now is moving on and having time for yourself to heal and get back to your life. I know that without closure, it seems impossible to move on. But you can't force someone to talk to you if they don't want to, so you might as well just stop trying to do that and worry about yourself. I promise that you can do it, but you have to want it first. Please stop subjecting yourself to the pain of having to beg her for answers and wondering what went wrong or how you could have saved her. I know how painful that is, but you need to let go and eventually accept that the relationship was not going to work out, and forgive her for ending things with you this way... not for her sake but for yours. Again, I'm sorry it did not work out. I'm sorry you're so upset. But there comes a point when you need to accept what happened for what it was and move on with your life so that you can be happy.
rayne05us Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I know you want answers, but put yourself in HER shoes. If someone called you up screaming and yelling and demanding, would you want to give them anything, but the dial tone? 1
Sebastian76 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 The answers you search for are not what you think they'll be. Often when people fall out of love with someone and try to justify what did the trick, they'll focus on a few things. But is rarely just a few things. It's thousands of small impressions, feelings and moments where things were not what they dreamed of. So if your ex comes up with a reason or two, you'll be hearing 10% of what actually made things happen. That is why you will not get anything useful out of seeking closure, because the answers will just frustrate you even more. You'll think 'oh those things I can fix', but is not just that handful of reason she will give you. It's a general feeling of falling out of love, that cannot be comprised into one solid reason. So once again, let it go dude and start focusing on you - not her or what she felt, thought or did. 2
Gulf-Delta Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 You won't get answers...and it might not even be because she doesn't care. You may not get answers because depending on her age, she might not have any idea "why"
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