Feeling lonely and scared

[df1304]

I made a thread in the break-up forum here about this guy, it's been extremely hard just because of the nature of the situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/332549-i-got-played-hes-rubbing-thinks-its-funny

 

So it's been about a month and a half since this happened and even though I kind of hit the ground running when I was taking steps to get over this guy, I'm starting to slip backwards a little. I suddenly keep thinking about him and the good times we had together, and wondering if he knows how badly he hurt me and how he feels about it. I know it's bad and it's not the point and it doesn't matter anymore because I need to worry about myself, but I want him to know, I want him to sit and think at some point, "I really messed up," and regret it. I have no idea how he's doing these days since I blocked him on facebook and deleted/threw out anything and everything that might give me any temptation to speak to him. My initial plan was to forgive him and hope that in time I could eventually let go and forget because of that forgiveness, but it's getting to be harder than I thought.

 

Anyway, I just feel really sad and lonely now. I'm only 16 years old so this is going to sound ridiculous, but I feel like I can never love or trust anyone again, and I'm afraid that no one will ever bother to pursue or devote their time to me. I don't feel ugly, I'm quite happy with my physical appearance, and I was raised to treat other people kindly no matter what, which has always come back in a positive way, so it's easy to make friends although I'm not terribly social. But I was so, so wrong about this ex, who I loved like a lover, sister, mother, so many different ways.. (isn't it crazy how deeply you can feel for someone when they couldn't care less about you?) who else will I be wrong about in the future?

 

How long did it take you to feel like you could find someone else to love after a relationship ended? I know someone will say, "Don't be so worried about love, you're so young," etc which is true, but I've never really had a chance in my life to "be a kid" so I just don't really know how. I will keep moving and trying to move on, but right this very moment it feels like I'm trudging up a steep hill knee-deep in mud. I wish I could just cut the bad feelings out and move on with my life now, right now, but life doesn't work that way.

Edited July 13, 2012 by df1304

[CopingGal]

My initial plan was to forgive him and hope that in time I could eventually let go and forget because of that forgiveness, but it's getting to be harder than I thought.

 

Anyway, I just feel really sad and lonely now. I'm only 16 years old so this is going to sound ridiculous, but I feel like I can never love or trust anyone again, and I'm afraid that no one will ever bother to pursue or devote their time to me.

 

I didn't have time to read everything. But I did read some parts.

My dear, I'm so, so sorry. A lot of people say on LS, you must forgive, you must forgive. And yes, that would be great. BUT, I know for a fact I am not ready to forgive. On July 15th would be a year since I left my boyfriend. I started NC around the end of October or November, and I still haven't forgiven him. For me, it wasn't something I could just do. It's coming naturally. I do pity him much more than I did before, but I have not forgiven him yet.

 

It will take time. When the person was abusive physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc., it wil take even more time, as someone told me. Kudos to you for deleting him from facebook. There are full-grown adults in this forum who really stuggle with the facebook factor and can't stay away from their ex's page.

 

Try to join some clubs that do things you like to do. The clubs don't have to be at school, they could be in the community. Learn a hobby. Maybe you can go to day camp until school starts or better yet, away at camp?

 

I think you should discuss the way this person treated you with an adult. If not your parents, an adult you are close to or a therapist. It's going to take a long, long time to get over this person, so don't try to rush it. Just try to focus on doing fun things this summer.

 

When my ex did these horrible things to me. I felt unlovable and damaged. I told him I could not trust again. Of course, he brushed off my pain. My ex thinks that people are silly when they are hurt by him.

My ex has no conscious and severely, severely damaged me. I'm not ready to love again, but I will be ready one day. It's going to take a long, long time. And you will be ready to love again. I dont' know when. But it might take a very long time, so again, don't rush that feeling.

 

Take care of you.

[spiderowl]

I read both of your posts and I'm really sorry about what happened to you. The guy was a sociopath with no conscience. Guys like him do exist but most aren't like that. It's such a shame that you met someone like that and I know how hurtful it is. You did nothing wrong: you were honest and genuine and trusted him to be the same. If anyone scoffs at that, they have their own motives for doing so which are more to do with their own fears and guilt than anything.

 

You can be proud that you were genuine and cared for the guy. He is the one who has done wrong and he has nothing to be proud of. You can hold your head up high, knowing that you were sincere.

 

The thing to do now is to learn from the experience. I am sure if you look back you will be able to see hints that this guy did not have any empathy. He may have said nice things to you but I bet whenever you talked about feelings he didn't take that in at all and was rather self-centred. I bet it was all about him, his interests, what he wanted to talk about. These are clues that a guy is not going to be able to have a genuine two-way relationship or could be a user. Use the clues to avoid such people in the future. I know it's hard to get any confidence back after something like this happens. You will meet someone genuine, you were just very unlucky with this one. You have a loving heart and there will be a genuine guy who will feel very lucky to meet you. This guy was basically a cad (yes, an old-fashioned work but still applicable today) and I wish these guys could be tattood for life to warn other women off. Unfortunately, there are plenty of guys (and some women) who don't realise sociopaths exist and so these guys never seem to suffer the penalties they deserve for their lies.

Edited July 13, 2012 by spiderowl

[CopingGal]

Hun, my ex has strong, strong sociopathic tendencies and traits of narcissitic personality disorder. Many of my posts tell of the emotional and psychological abuse I went through. You can check out some of my stories, esp. in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex thread." That's a good thread to read in general. You can really get a sense that a lot of people have suffered and they are getting through it.

 

There's a man in the forums here who likes to keep insisting I did not suffer abuse at the hands of my ex. I have him on ignore, but he downplays a lot of my pain in the forums. Believe me, the pain my ex caused me was excruciating and what my ex did falls under the category of emotional and psychological abuse. So give a read. Learn. And know that you will make it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, this post (combined with the linked post) is really sad.

 

Some people in your shoes have the toughest time understanding that the flaws lie with the other person - completely.

 

And the guy you knew just about takes the cake for having flaws in every category.

 

Even more sad is how I perceive you might be looking at your (having lost your virginity {"lost" was never more appropriate as in your case} ).

 

 

Among the more telling things about you is that you showed the survival instinct that was coming here to EXPRESS YOURSELF fully. Everybody says that teenage girls are the loneliest people on the planet, and few things contribute to that more than an unwillingness to express yourself outwardly.

 

 

**** oh man, the PERFECT song just came on here... and I wish I could share it with you in confidence ****

 

 

(the song deals with a hard break-up, with an undeserving guy, and reminding a girl what a great girl she is...)

 

 

 

 

Nowthen, as the days go by, the past will fade further back there, and the future will take shape. Other challenges will need to be conquered, and you will rise to those occasions. It will prooooooooobably be when in pursuit of other things that you meet a guy who FAR more suitably 'fits' with your life, and with the added time and maturity, you'll be better equipped to realize it.

 

Eventually you'll trust a future beau well enough to explain how your ex (basically "raped" you - for it is unlawful to get someone so drunk that she cannot 'consent' to sex) ... and doing so will perhaps show you what a great FUTURE GUY you'll then have, as his compassion just fills the air.

 

On the bright side, to be a teenage girl "quite happy with her physical appearance" is a milestone, and I'm guessing that for your having attained that rarified air, the social invitations will be steady over the next few years.

 

Hopefully some big things are soon to be happening in your school life/pursuits, and you can focus there as you wait for terrible tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime to speed-up and put the experiences you describe in more favorable perspective.

 

Ultimately you ARE the sum total OF your experiences... and when 'fair' balances out for you, it will be worth the many challenges needed to get there.

 

Good luck!

[df1304]

I didn't have time to read everything. But I did read some parts.

My dear, I'm so, so sorry. A lot of people say on LS, you must forgive, you must forgive. And yes, that would be great. BUT, I know for a fact I am not ready to forgive. On July 15th would be a year since I left my boyfriend. I started NC around the end of October or November, and I still haven't forgiven him. For me, it wasn't something I could just do. It's coming naturally. I do pity him much more than I did before, but I have not forgiven him yet.

 

It will take time. When the person was abusive physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc., it wil take even more time, as someone told me. Kudos to you for deleting him from facebook. There are full-grown adults in this forum who really stuggle with the facebook factor and can't stay away from their ex's page.

 

Try to join some clubs that do things you like to do. The clubs don't have to be at school, they could be in the community. Learn a hobby. Maybe you can go to day camp until school starts or better yet, away at camp?

 

I think you should discuss the way this person treated you with an adult. If not your parents, an adult you are close to or a therapist. It's going to take a long, long time to get over this person, so don't try to rush it. Just try to focus on doing fun things this summer.

 

When my ex did these horrible things to me. I felt unlovable and damaged. I told him I could not trust again. Of course, he brushed off my pain. My ex thinks that people are silly when they are hurt by him.

My ex has no conscious and severely, severely damaged me. I'm not ready to love again, but I will be ready one day. It's going to take a long, long time. And you will be ready to love again. I dont' know when. But it might take a very long time, so again, don't rush that feeling.

 

Take care of you.

 

I read your story. I am really sorry too, for what happened to you. It sounds like you have come a long way regardless, but the damage has already been done and we both deserve so much better than what we got. I wish you so much luck and love in your future. Thank you for sharing.

 

I've been seeing my therapist for a few weeks now. As well as coping with the breakup we've been talking about other things from my childhood and life. Today he gave me a prescription for Prozac, I'm supposed to start taking it tomorrow. Maybe it can help me a little bit to get back into more of a rhythm than the slump I've been in lately.

 

 

I read both of your posts and I'm really sorry about what happened to you. The guy was a sociopath with no conscience. Guys like him do exist but most aren't like that. It's such a shame that you met someone like that and I know how hurtful it is. You did nothing wrong: you were honest and genuine and trusted him to be the same. If anyone scoffs at that, they have their own motives for doing so which are more to do with their own fears and guilt than anything.

 

You can be proud that you were genuine and cared for the guy. He is the one who has done wrong and he has nothing to be proud of. You can hold your head up high, knowing that you were sincere.

 

The thing to do now is to learn from the experience. I am sure if you look back you will be able to see hints that this guy did not have any empathy. He may have said nice things to you but I bet whenever you talked about feelings he didn't take that in at all and was rather self-centred. I bet it was all about him, his interests, what he wanted to talk about. These are clues that a guy is not going to be able to have a genuine two-way relationship or could be a user. Use the clues to avoid such people in the future. I know it's hard to get any confidence back after something like this happens. You will meet someone genuine, you were just very unlucky with this one. You have a loving heart and there will be a genuine guy who will feel very lucky to meet you. This guy was basically a cad (yes, an old-fashioned work but still applicable today) and I wish these guys could be tattood for life to warn other women off. Unfortunately, there are plenty of guys (and some women) who don't realise sociopaths exist and so these guys never seem to suffer the penalties they deserve for their lies.

 

The relationship was almost exactly how you described it. He wouldn't just ignore me when I tried to talk to him, he would bully me. I used to kind of be withdrawn from my friends in school because I wanted to save the stories and remarks and conversation for him when I got home from school, but I'd always get some snarky comment back or "I don't care, that's stupid" etc. not that it stopped me from trying. My mom pointed out to me that all the love/warmth I felt in the relationship came from me, with nothing from him. He never gave anything. It's true.

 

I just hope that the next girl sees him for what he is, and the next one after that, and the next one after her. I would really hate for any other girl to be subjected to his crap.

 

I really want to believe that there is someone waiting for me somewhere who will pursue me, want me desperately and love me unconditionally because that's what I want so badly right now, and that's what I want to give someone, too. Maybe if I just stop looking he will find me.

 

 

Wow, this post (combined with the linked post) is really sad.

 

Some people in your shoes have the toughest time understanding that the flaws lie with the other person - completely.

 

And the guy you knew just about takes the cake for having flaws in every category.

 

Even more sad is how I perceive you might be looking at your (having lost your virginity {"lost" was never more appropriate as in your case} ).

 

So I've been told. I think one thing to be very thankful for - I didn't lose all that much to begin with. He never broke any promises because he didn't really make any, I haven't lost any love from him because he never gave me any to lose.

 

As far as losing my virginity to him - I don't feel like I lost something so much as he took something he wanted and got away with it. I try not to dwell on that too much. I'm just looking forward to having fulfilling sexual experiences from here on in rather than being someone's cheap throwaway.

 

 

Nowthen, as the days go by, the past will fade further back there, and the future will take shape. Other challenges will need to be conquered, and you will rise to those occasions. It will prooooooooobably be when in pursuit of other things that you meet a guy who FAR more suitably 'fits' with your life, and with the added time and maturity, you'll be better equipped to realize it.

 

Eventually you'll trust a future beau well enough to explain how your ex (basically "raped" you - for it is unlawful to get someone so drunk that she cannot 'consent' to sex) ... and doing so will perhaps show you what a great FUTURE GUY you'll then have, as his compassion just fills the air.

 

On the bright side, to be a teenage girl "quite happy with her physical appearance" is a milestone, and I'm guessing that for your having attained that rarified air, the social invitations will be steady over the next few years.

 

Hopefully some big things are soon to be happening in your school life/pursuits, and you can focus there as you wait for terrible tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime to speed-up and put the experiences you describe in more favorable perspective.

 

Ultimately you ARE the sum total OF your experiences... and when 'fair' balances out for you, it will be worth the many challenges needed to get there.

 

 

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you. School can't start soon enough for me. I'm so ready to get busy and preoccupied with schoolwork again, and hopefully meet some new people. I'm not sure whether I'll find someone out of the bunch at my school (I find all the boys my age here to be insufferable so I always wind up being attracted to older guys.. but look where that's got me) but you never know.

 

I'm a little bit nervous about whether I'll share this story with future boyfriends. I think I'm going to take things a lot more slowly, and if it comes to a point where we both want to take things to a physical level, only then will I tell him what my experience has been with sexuality. I think if I use better judgement when going into the hypothetical relationship, the hypothetical guy will understand at that point.

 

My therapist asked me today, "since you've been thinking about him so much, what do you think you would say to him if you had the chance?" At first I thought, "I don't think I would say anything, the situation speaks for itself." But despite the fact that I want my ex to end up all alone for the rest of his days and regret what he did to me, I think I would want to tell him, "I hope you can be at peace with yourself one day, and that everything will become better for you." How unhappy and miserable and self-loathing does a person have to be that they need to destroy other people to cope and live with themselves? There is so much else I could say to him, so many things I could point out, but the biggest sadness of it all is that he already knows all those things, and he has to live with them everyday.

[Sugarkane]

I'm glad to hear that you went to a therapist- sometimes just talking to someone makes you feel a bit better. I remember you said hus mum is a nice lady, so how did her sins become such Aholes in the first place with no conscience?

[Sugarkane]

As I lost my virginity in a similar way, I wished they taught people more about the emotional side effects if sex in school. They don't though. I grew up very sheltered myself. These people always pick on the most vulnerable and naive girls.