Should I be feeling this way?

July 11, 2012

Hi All! I met this foreign girl about 6 weeks ago and we have essentially been dating ever since. We just really click and it isn't forced. We have a lot of fun together and the sex is amazing. Sometimes she will tell me little comments about "us" in the future, such as "we are going to in city x" or "do you want babies with me" etc. Or she'll ask me how I feel about her and ask me to describe it. Okay, so things are moving a bit fast but I just feel like our chemistry and connection is that strong.

So she came back from a 12 day trip yesterday. I would say that she communicated consistently but there was a period of two days where she didn't respond to my text. Okay, so last night she dropped a bomb on me. She had been communicating with her ex via text starting during those two days that she didn't text me. And guess what? The city she visited was located just hours away from where he lives. And 1 day later she visited his city with her parents. So she told me that her phone died but it bothers me because realistically speaking she was texting with him. FYI, she was out traveling with her parents.

So yesterday (the first time we see each other after 12 days) she tells me that she responded to his text 12 days ago (when she didn't respond to my text). She says that she wanted to be honest with me about texting him and she feels bad. She says that he treated her bad and just left her. And that he said that he wanted her to visit him but that he will just use her for sex.

So she continues by saying that a part of her wanted to respond to the text to get closure! I just don't buy that, for all actions have a reason and I think a part of her is still in love with him. So I asked her if she wanted to see him and she essentially told me that it wouldnt be worth it for they would have sex and then what we have would be over. And she started saying how much she enjoys being us.

I just can't help but feel like she is just with me now because she knows that he is only gonna use her for sex (I.e., from my perspective "she only wants me because some other guy broke her heart"). If her heart isn't in it, I don't want it for a minute (yes i am quoting a song lol)! I want her to be with me And be thinking about me and not some other guy and texting him.

I told her this last night and then she said she had to think about it. Then she asked me to hold her and kiss her. I moved away and she said she wanted to be with me because we click and it is natural and she loves spending time with me and it is cute.

I told her "how would you feel if I was texting my ex knowing that my ex wanted to have sex with me." She didn't reply.

Am I overreacting? I feel like telling her that she should go back to her culo ex boyfriend who mistreated her. I may be a kind guy but I don't wanna feel like the guy who only gives her comfort (again, for her ex mistreated her).

I should note that she said she would tell him next time that she had a boyfriend. I told her, "don't do it because I want it; instead, do it because you want it."

Am I overreacting? I don't really know how to feel about it. She is being honest but I am afraid of getting hurt in 3 weeks from now! How would you deal with this situation? I really enjoy being with her but I just don't want to compete for her attention.

If I was the only guy she thinks about, why even text him back? Thanks for the input All!

July 11, 2012

She posted a status update on Facebook saying she was going to city x.

Then, according to her, he responded saying, "it is sad that you are avoiding my texts bla bla bla."

So she told me everything and said she felt bad for communicating with him and that she didn't see him (nothing happened). At the risk of sounding naive, I am 100% certain that nothing happened, reading her body language and analyzing how she told the story.

I am more concerned with how I should talk to her about this because I feel like we didn't come to a conclusion last night.

July 11, 2012

Ignore ArgieBargie OP, he is our resident hater at the moment

July 11, 2012

Hi Emilia,

So as a woman, what do you think? Her words are telling me that she wants to be with me, but her actions are not (responding to his text).

July 11, 2012

Oh and when I asked her if she wanted to see him, and she responded by saying, "it wouldn't be worth it, for he would just use me for a weekend and have sex, and then what we have would be over". This makes me feel like if he wasn't using her for sex, she would prefer to be with him.

Am I overreacting? Please tell me if I am. I should note that they only met twice. She is from Europe and he was visiting a Euro country. They met! Then a few months later they met again. They talked for six months on Skype; then he stopped communicating. Now she is working in the U.S. But they are very far apart.

What do y'all think? Guys, how would you handle it? Women, can you see where she is coming from?

July 11, 2012

Oh and when I asked her if she wanted to see him, and she responded by saying, "it wouldn't be worth it, for he would just use me for a weekend and have sex, and then what we have would be over". This makes me feel like if he wasn't using her for sex, she would prefer to be with him.

Well, yeah. It doesn't say much for her level of respect for you, in my opinion.

Am I overreacting? Please tell me if I am. I should note that they only met twice. She is from Europe and he was visiting a Euro country. They met! Then a few months later they met again. They talked for six months on Skype; then he stopped communicating. Now she is working in the U.S. But they are very far apart.

I don't think you are.

A guy I was dating earlier this year (the bouncer) called me on my birthday the other day. He had told me while we were dating that he was going to call me on my birthday, no matter what, and asked if that was OK. I said yes. So he called. I'm dating someone new now, someone I really like. The bouncer and I just talked about how we're doing, what we've been up to. I told him yes, I deleted him from Yahoo chat because I needed to move on and not see his name pop up there and entice me.

He asked me if I wanted to get together sometime, and I politely said no. Seriously, where could that go? I have no need to hang out with guys I used to date when I'm trying to develop a good relationship with a new guy. I also would not bring this up with the guy I'm seeing now. I wouldn't hide the fact that he called, but I have no interest in seeing him, and I made that clear. I don't need to talk it through with the guy I'm dating now. I think discussing other options and what I might do about them would be insulting to him. I certainly would not want him ruminating about what he might do with some random chick from the past, if only she weren't likely to use him for money/sex/whatever. I mean, come on!

As for what to do, I don't know. I'd be pretty put off by this.

July 11, 2012

You're not overreacting.

When you asked "how would you feel if I was texting an ex who wanted to sleep with me" you should have sat quietly until she answered.

Her silence on that question tells you a lot. She would not be okay with it, because she knows what she is doing is wrong. She knows she has feelings for her ex, and wouldn't want you texting someone you have feelings for.

She absolutely would be with him over you if she thought he wanted her, that is written on the wall by her comments.

She is not dealing with this as an adult. How long were they broken up before you got together? She is not over him, doesn't sound ready for a new R if she still needs "closure" from an old one.

It's very selfish of her to do something that hurts you and when you ask her about it, her response is "hold me, kiss me". Why are you comforting her when she is the one who effed up? She is definitely using you, for comfort, for security, for companionship.

I would walk away.

July 11, 2012

It doesn't look good to me. If she really liked you she wouldn't have said that he'd only use her for sex like she has no control over it. She's not a child. She needs to make her own decisions and stick to them. Hope this helped.

July 11, 2012

I am really put off by her behavior, as well, and it's a shame because I thought we were really good together. And that is what she said last night as well, when she was talking about how much she enjoyed being "us."

I do find it selfish on her part that she texted him back and then told me about it (for it created a competing atmosphere between me and this other guy).

Secondly, I do find her behavior selfish because she talked about what it would be like visiting him, how he would use her for sex, etc (nonetheless, the fact that she is thinking about what it would be like visiting with him shows me that she in fact is thinking about him).

If she thought he really liked her, she would in fact visit him and leave me. That is how I feel, as well.

If she really liked me, despite the fact that she says she does, why would she even text him back? Why communicate with someone from the past when she has a chance to build something beautiful in the future?

Also, I do get the sense that she is using me for comfort and security. This is mutual, however, as we all have a need for love. But I don't think it's fair that she continues to text him while I am her emotional tampong.

and she wouldnt like it one bit if I were texting my ex knowing that my ex wanted to have sex with me. She even asked me about it last night (if I am texting other girls) as a way to justify her behavior. That is quite manipulative.

So how do I tell her all of these things by only using I statements. Haha I feel that YOU.... Haha Girls, should I break up with her? It would make me sad but I just feel really turned off by all of this and I wouldn't put it passed her to go ahead and continue to talk with him (while I continue to act as Mr. Nice chump on the side) and she sees him and we are over. I would rather end it now.

But before I do anything, I just want to know if you agree with this? Or if there is a better way of dealing with it? How do I talk to her about this?

Thanks All:)

Edited July 11, 2012 by Johnny85
A

July 11, 2012

If she really liked me, despite the fact that she says she does, why would she even text him back? Why communicate with someone from the past when she has a chance to build something beautiful in the future?

How old is she? I'm guessing young, as she sounds pretty immature. The questions like "do you want babies with me?" and asking you to describe how you feel about her are also clues that she's young and not that experienced.

Haha Girls, should I break up with her? It would make me sad but I just feel really turned off by all of this and I wouldn't put it passed her to go ahead and continue to talk with him (while I continue to act as Mr. Nice chump on the side) and she sees him and we are over. I would rather end it now.

Like I said, I'm not sure how I would handle this. I might just walk. You can demand that she not interact with him anymore, but should you really have to tell her this? Not really. She's knowingly putting your relationship at risk by interacting with this loser.

You've indulged all her childish behavior already - asking you about having babies with her and the like - so now she probably gets the sense that she's in charge and you'll cater to whatever she wants.

Whatever you do, don't be a chump. She won't respect you, and you won't respect yourself.

July 11, 2012

I told her last night that if she was wanted to be with him, I did not want a relationship with her. She is in her late 20s. I hate talking about feelings, which makes this hard for me.

And I think you bring up a very valid point: I shouldn't have to ask her to stop communicating with him. If she liked me enough, she would do it because SHE likes me more and only wants to be with me.

So how does a man communicate this to a woman without coming across as jealous or needy. To be honest, I am so frustrated right now that I am ready to tell her to go back to her ex.

And last night she was asking me to hold her and cuddle with her. I simply pulled away but then she started saying sweet things like, "You're a nice guy, I love spending time with you, you're my best friend in the USA, I love sleeping next to yo and waking up with you..." so I kind of gave in.

The only thing is that she did tell me she felt bad about texting him back, which is why she told me about it. When I started bringing up all of the arguments listed above, she got quiet. Oh, and at one point of our conversation she said she would think about it... I am assuming she meant whether to choose me or him. When we said good night, she had told me all of those sweet things that I mentioned earlier.

I suppose it would be innocent if she told him that she has a boyfriend. She offered to do that, I told her that she should do it because she feels it is the right thing to do, not because I am asking her to do it.

She got quiet!

I don't know how to communicate all of this to her without setting an ultimatum. Should I just say it and if we are meant to be, it will work out? Or is there a better way to discuss this with her? I am really confused and feel like throwing in the towel, which would be a shame cause we really click.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Johnny85
A

July 11, 2012

Have any guys on here been in a similar situation? I am guessing that most women (or men) would keep it a secret, which would actually have made me feel better about all of this.

Input? I will be meeting with her tonight.

July 11, 2012

I don't know. I'm trying to imagine being in your position and thinking about what I would do. It might be a deal-breaker for me. I mean, she basically implied that she would want to see this guy if she weren't afraid he was just going to use her and actually cared about her. What an insult to you! If she really liked you and respected your relationship, she wouldn't be talking about possibilities for spending time with other romantic interests. She'd be focused on you.

You can spend more time with her and hope she warms up to you more, but if she hasn't grown fond enough of you in 6 weeks to avoid ruminating about possibilities with other guys, well, I wouldn't feel too good about that.

I've been seeing someone new for a month. I like him a lot, but if he pulled something like this, at the VERY least, I would most likely start dating others again. Ultimately, I imagine it would fizzle out, because I'd know he wasn't that crazy about me, OR he was hung up on a loser ex. Neither scenario points to a good outcome for your involvement with her.

July 11, 2012

Thank you very much for your advice. It sounds very rational and I agree with you 100%.

After reading this post, I have come to the conclusion that I can either:

1) talk to her and tell her that I am not interested in being with someone who merely views me as a second best option. That I would rather not be with her knowing that she is still in love with her boyfriend. And that if something is meant to be, it will happen naturally. I don't want to force attraction and comfort.

2) Act like nothing happened at all, continue seeing her, and whatever happens, happens.

The latter will drive me nuts. The thing is that I do not need to be with her. I like my life as it is. But I enjoy her and she makes me happy. I am so confused and I feel like just telling her she should leave me alone cause I refuse to be some chump!!! Arghhh!!!

July 11, 2012

Good luck.

Respect yourself, do what you know is right, and you can't lose.

And by the way, you sound like a great guy, so whatever happens with this woman, I think you're gonna be just fine.

July 12, 2012

Thanks for all of your input RubySlippers!! Very kind of you. To be honest I'm feeling a little sad but that's life and I think I would feel better talking to her about this than doing nothing and pretending like nothing happened.

Cheers

July 12, 2012

Well she invited me to have dinner with her parents tonight. Her work colleague was there too. Her parents do not know we are dating. And she kept looking at her phone (in other words expecting a message from that other guy). I am just speculating but that is how I feel. I honestly feel really sad right now and can't believe this!

There is no way in hell that I will pursue her anymore. I didn't text her to make sure that she got home alright. I am really pissed off and I think it is a really ****ty thing to do.

Thanks All for your input. It's much appreciated.

July 12, 2012

Hey, sorry you are feeling sad!

I completely understand and would have a similar inner reaction if that were me. I am a woman around the same age as your girlfriend. I want to tell you to take a few days off from loveshack as posters can be pretty black and white, go spend time with her and care for her and tell her that you feel anxious about this guy; just so you aren't jumping to conclusions (i'm sure the texts she was waiting for at dinner could have been her friends', too). But, I think in this case, she just isn't that into you and you do sound like a great guy so you will certainly find a new girlfriend who is.

Good luck and a big hug.

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