Predicament

[Rylynn]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here and I apologize in advance for the length of it. I am really confused at the situation that I find myself in.

 

Here's my story:

 

My recent ex and I have been together for almost 5 years. We are both in our early 20s. When we first started dating, there was a lot of uncertainty on her part and we kept breaking off and getting back together during our early years. For this reason, we have actually never had an anniversary date.

 

I've always thought, however, that we have always connected on another level. We spoke directly to each others hearts and she was one of the most genuine and down-to-earth girls that i've ever met. She was pretty, kind-hearted, religious & the most caring person for her age that I have ever met. Her maturity and level of care for others was almost at the level you'd expect from a 35 year old mum, let alone a girl in her early 20s. She was amazing.

 

Anyway, we had broken up on quite a few occasions throughout the course of the relationship, but only ever for a few days. i was heart-broken every time. For the first year of our relationship, I never thought that she saw me as a potential life partner. However, as the years progressed, we became inseparable and she eventually couldn't imagine her life without me.

 

As all relationships end up though, ours began getting stale. It was a first-time relationship for both of us and we had never experienced anyone else. She came home to me one night, after 3 & 1/2 years of being together and told me that 'I think we need a break'. I was completely taken back by it and asked her why. Her response was that 'there is someone else'. This was undoubtedly the most gut-wrenching feeling in my life.

 

We sort of went on a break, but we both felt like we were still in the relationship. Eventually we couldn't handle being apart from each other and got back together. A few days later, I found out that she'd gone to a party and was sitting there the whole night holding this guys hand. Nothing more, but still devastating to know that you've been emotionally cheated. Then one night while she was at work, this guy left a note on her car that read 'feeling spontaneous, meet me in the carpark after work'. I cannot explain the pain I felt when she told me that she went, let alone what happened next. She ended up making-out with him in the car and then left. This also happened a third time after we'd made up and I forgave her. I went into work with her dinner that I had just cooked her and she told me later that night that she'd made another mistake with him again...

 

Now, fast-forwarding a year beyond all of this. We ended up repairing our relationship through counseling and ended up moving out together. We traveled a little bit and really started to connect with each other on a deeper level. I managed to forgive her but I can never forget about what happened. It took me a good 6 months for me to completely trust her again and for the pain to subside.

 

Now, after 5 years, we have broken up again. For the first time in our entire relationship it has been made that has made the call. I want to travel the world (she wouldn't mind traveling a bit but it is not a priority for her). She would much rather settle down and buy a house. I'm also starting to wonder whether or not all relationships are like this. I mean, I love her but should people who are truly in love constantly break up with each other and get back together? And whenever we are having a dark moment and arguing with each other, I constantly think back to the times that she was unfaithful to me.

 

To add to these problems, there's another girl that has shown some interest in me who was also in a relationship. She to has broken it off with her partner and has expressed feelings for me. The timing of it could not look any worse from an outsiders perspective.

 

So basically, I am now in a predicament where I do not want to regret losing a girl who is potentially my soul-mate and i'm just over-reacting and making a rash decision to end us because of our history and also because our futures look different (such as me wanting to travel). I don't feel like I will ever be able to connect with another girl the way I feel like i connect with her. I'm so afraid of making the biggest mistake of my life. My head is telling me it is the right thing to do but my heart is telling me to give my ex another chance. she is desperate for us to get back together but I am just so numb to everything.

 

Please help me.

[AlexanderJames]

You are going to get some conflicting opinions on here let me tell you /:

 

What would I do in your shoes?

Leave the ex. For a couple of reasons. The biggest being that she cheated. More than once. This is the biggest red flag in my book. I can't look past cheating having been chetaed on by different women in the past.

The second would be the desire to travel. You feel she is holding you back thats why you left her. If you felt this, then it's probably the case. You might be getting cold feet now but you did what you had to do for you. You live your life for yourself. Not for someone else.

Thirdly I would leave the ex because of the attraction to the new girl on the scene.

You say you've never connected with someone like you did with you ex, and you unsure that you ever will again. Lets be blunt an honest here, theres no way you would feel an attraction and a spark towards another woman if this where true.

 

Some time during this journey you are going to regret parts of whatever decision you make. Be it staying with her or leaving her. The only thing that matters is that it was what was right by you in the long run. And it gets you where you want to be in life, not who you want to be with. Because at the end of the day people and posessions are usueless to us if we arent happy with who WE are and WHERE we stand in life.

[Rylynn]

Thanks for your response Alexander.

 

I understand that opinions will be mixed as that is currently how my thoughts are.

 

Cheating has always been a red-flag in my books too, and many of you have probably heard it all before, but I feel 100% confident that she would never do it to me again. The 3 times happened within a space of about 2 weeks and it destroyed her as much as it did me.

 

The desire to me wanting to travel is something that I feel we are always going to have issues with. I want to travel for long periods of times and she has only now started to compromise after we've broken up and said that she will join me and do anything she possibly can to have me back. She is desperately trying to get me back and save our relationship.

 

Stupidly, I made a mistake with the other girl and kissed her. It was way too soon for either of us, but it just happened. I felt that the only way I could truly justify what my girlfriend done to me was if I experienced it myself. That sounds bizarre I know. And we were broken up at the time so I did not cheat. However, i've felt guilty about it ever since and I do not feel the same connection with this new girl.

 

My head is telling me to continue with the break-up and experience life while I am young and do my traveling and really discover myself as an adult. But my heart is telling me that my ex is hurting and that she could be the one and I may regret it for the rest of my life.

 

Why is life so hard?

[Pod81]

I've always thought, however, that we have always connected on another level. We spoke directly to each others hearts and she was one of the most genuine and down-to-earth girls that i've ever met. She was pretty, kind-hearted, religious & the most caring person for her age that I have ever met. Her maturity and level of care for others was almost at the level you'd expect from a 35 year old mum, let alone a girl in her early 20s. She was amazing.

 

You need to take her off the pedestal now. Your ex has proved to you that she's not as genuine, kind-hearted, and down-to-earth as you once thought. I was in a similar situation - thought that my ex was more mature and down-to-earth for her age (due to her being very career driven and not the type who would go wild and party) but there's a lot more to maturity than just that. Clearly your ex is not emotionally mature in the least bit. You said yourself that she was uncertain about the relationship in the beginning and it seems to me that she's been uncertain throughout the relationship considering how often you say you guys have broken up and gotten back together. What you need to realize is that this girl is toxic AT THIS PRESENT TIME and that you need to stop envisioning how she MIGHT turn out when she matures. That was my biggest mistake - I ignored all the red flags in my relationship because I saw her as this amazing person that she could potentially be. Here's the thing - emotional maturity is something that she needs to go through on her own without your presence of being either a back-up plan or an emotional crutch. As for your fear of losing your potential soul-mate, you need to realize that any girl you enter a relationship with can be a potential soul-mate. Bottom line...don't look at someone at how they MIGHT be in the future, look at someone for who they are NOW.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Pod81

[Pod81]

I also wanted to add that it sounds like you're not quite ready or mature enough at this time to be in a long-term committed relationship because you're not even sure of what you want. One part of you wants to be with her her, another part of you wants to break up with her because you want to "discover yourself as an adult", while another part of you wants to be free and travel the world. Throw in the fact that you also met this other girl that you kissed. If I were you, I would avoid any long-term relationship (meaning you should break up with her) because there's a conflict between "not knowing what you want" and establishing mature love. Take this time to really sort yourself out because you'll only end up hurting other people in the process. Keep in mind, though, that there's absolutely nothing wrong with living for yourself at your age. This a normal phase in many people's lives at about your age. Just be fair with her and don't string her along or put her in the backburner. No one deserves that treatment.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Pod81

[Rylynn]

Thanks Pod.

 

The cheating happened over a year ago now. I feel as if it's over and I am confident that I can trust her again. I feel possessed and i'm not quite sure what made me initiate the break-up. It's happened now though, she's moved all of her stuff out and it is real. I have always found it difficult to make decisions, takes me 10 minutes to choose what cereal i'm going to eat in the morning. This was a life-changing decision that I am now starting to have some serious doubts over. I want to be able to travel and I want to be able to stay with her, but the two are not compatible.

 

I know the right thing to do is for me to follow my dreams and see the world but it is so difficult to see the pain that I am putting someone else through. She is absolutely desperate to win me back and she will do anything. It is seriously killing me. I have my concerns about this other girl also as her boyfriend is absolutely devastated too and is trying to win her back. I therefore sent her a message and told her that I think she owes it to her boyfriend to give him another chance after being with him for so long. I told her that i've been in a situation similar to her boyfriend's (except we weren't broken up), where another guy was trying to steal my ex away from me. It is unbearable pain and I would never inflict it on anyone else so I told her that I will help her through the hard time she is going through, but nothing is happening between us.

 

Some days I feel really empowered and think 'yes, i've done the right thing and I will now get to live my dreams and see the world with no commitments back home', but then the other half of me is really regretting leaving someone who has honestly meant the world to me for the past 5 years and I feel like half a person at the moment. I don't know myself without her and it scares me.

[CC12]

You had good reasons for breaking up with her. I think you're just kind of in that "Oh no what have I done" stage that most everyone goes through after they've initiated a breakup. It doesn't help that you're apparently still in contact with her and witnessing her emotional reaction to it. Of course you feel guilty. You shouldn't, though. This relationship wasn't working.

 

I managed to forgive her but I can never forget about what happened.

 

I've never really understood the phrase, "I'll forgive but I won't forget." Doesn't real forgiveness require putting the event past you and not letting it factor into any attitude or behavior toward the forgiven person? "I won't forget" means that you're still holding a grudge over it. So I think when you say you forgave her, all you really meant by that was that you didn't "punish" her (lack of a better word) by breaking up with her.

 

(Note: I'm not saying it didn't work because you didn't forgive her well enough. I think you tried very hard to, but it just wasn't happening and that's not your fault.)

 

And whenever we are having a dark moment and arguing with each other, I constantly think back to the times that she was unfaithful to me.

 

So not healthy for you or your relationship if this is where your mind goes during an argument. There will always be arguments. You can't live like this.

 

And, listen, if this relationship had been working out beautifully, you would most likely not have these desires to travel abroad. You would be content, as in, "I want to travel and see the world, but I'm more than happy to be with her instead. And hey, she's willing to travel a bit with me so we can make this work."

 

You didn't make a mistake that you're going to regret forever. You weren't happy and you made the decision to end it while your brain was in a logical, rational state. Post-breakup, it is clouded with guilt and other emotions. Trust the decisions your logical brain made. And also stop communicating with her for a while. It's not helping either of you.

[Rylynn]

Hi again everyone. Here's an update to my situation:

 

It's become worse.

 

I have had this feeling that my (ex) girlfriend and I needed to end it for some time before we actually did. The first few weeks of the break-up (which I initiated), I felt numb. No emotion at all, I had just felt like I had done what was right for both of us.

 

One of my biggest regrets that I think i'll have for the rest of my life, a mistake that I didn't realise was a mistake until I made it - was sleeping with this other girl that was interested in me. At the time I thought that in order to TRULY process the fact that my ex had cheated on me, I had to experience something similar myself. I have never cheated, nor will I ever. At the time, I did not see that what I was doing would leave me with almost identical feelings of cheating however.

 

Since, I have caught up with my ex a few times and we are on healthy terms. We talk to each other without arguing and it was a fair break. We are both not possessive people and we split everything 50/50. I feel like i'm now at a different stage in the break-up where i'm past numbness and I am feeling emotive again. I regret so much not giving my relationship everything I had to give before ending it - and I regret having a weak moment with this new girl after she had broken up with her bf. We both would catch up to talk about our situations as they were similar and ended up just sleeping with each other one night.

 

Problem for me now is that I feel as if I have really put the nails in the coffin with my ex now. She would never get back together with me knowing what I done while we were broken up - and only lately have I actually been considering being with her again.

 

I feel worthless - I feel so much worse now knowing that everything is absolutely final with no chance of redemption.

 

Thoughts?

[Rylynn]

Anyone ?

[steelgator]

You should'nt have broken up with her if you were'nt 100% sure it was the right thing. And honestly dude, she made 3 mistakes and you forgave them. You made 1, and she can't forgive you? What a load of ****