rising popularity of alternate relationship styles

[Leigh 87]

Leigh - you are free to believe what you want.

 

Of course it might be that your boyfriend is the exception, is different than other men. But the probability for that is just really, really low.

 

 

For your own good, please consider that he might not be telling you the truth at all times. He might lie, maybe only to make you feel better.

 

It's just not realistic that he would not be able to enjoy sex and giving pleasure to other girls because of love. He might not do it because of respect for you, but when he tells you he cannot do it, well, it just makes him seem untrustworthy.

 

 

For him in general, he cannot even give a girl oral unless he is REALLY into her. At all.

 

We talk in depth about everything.

 

So to him, the threesome was a fun thing we once tried, it was about his fantasy.

 

 

 

What do you mean there is a very slim chance he is actually in love with me?

 

He reads these responses and is genuinely disgusted.

 

He does not feel the fact he had a threesome, means he wants to run awa with multiple girls. It just does not make sense to him. Or me.

[Leigh 87]

And I have checked all his phone ans facebook recored. I do not do this anymore, but once we tried a threesome agea ago, although it wa harmless fun that we did before we got serious, I had not done it before, and on other peoples suggestions, I snooped.

 

I have told him and confessed. He wants me enough to overlook even the ver worst acts I have done, which I will not mention here.

 

 

His phone recored when he was away, his facebook records, and his best friends, all assure me he is innocent.

 

 

I have no evidence in my real life, to suggest he is anything but a guy who is crazy about me. There is not a single thing that is different to a guy that is crazy in love with his partner, and HIM; the fact he was able to have the threesome is not indicative that he is not into me.

 

 

I do know what a guy is like when he is not into his partner.

[irc333]

And I do not mean " being bored, unsatisfied, and not into or not in love with your partner, and therefore needing to go out and get other people on the side, because your currrent relationship is lacking.

I do not feel that way at all; my bf and I believe our sex life is fantastic, and we are not anywhere close to bored or unsatisfied. We simply feel that sex with one person for your entire lives is not ideal for every person.

 

Actually, it is exactly what it is. You get bored, tired of having sex with the same person all the time. You may not feel that way, but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it's a duck.

 

To draw a comparison, like when someone gets sick of eating the same dish of food all the time. OR a kid gets bored of a new toy.

 

But having to compare a relationship to a worn out toy is rather downgrading though in comparison, and quite frankly, disrespects the relationship.

 

I could never be on the receiving end of that, I could never be the NEW guy approaching a woman and having her tell me, "oh by the way, I'm living with my boyfriend, but I'm getting tired of having sex with him, still love him though, but would like to have sex with you!"

 

Not gonna happen.

 

I've never heard of anyone in real life bashing people who had open relationships

 

I have, but usually confidentially with a good friend, but not to the person doing it. I'd say something like "I can't see how people can have open relationships, that's disrespectful TO the relationship". If people are doing it in marriage, it's making a complete JOKE out of the marriage.

Edited July 11, 2012 by irc333

[irin]

In our arrangment, we are not open to going out and having sex with others. Netiher of us can do it. It is not something we are able to do.

 

The only context we feel right exploring other people, is in:

 

- a threesome

- or if he goes to a hooker, and I go and watch.

 

We are pretty aversde to getting to " know" any girl that comes into a threesome.

 

 

have you ever had a threesome with guy involved? rather than a girl?

 

sorry but this doesnt seem like a equally open relationship, its seems as its just your boyfriend having threesomes and getting hookers.

 

you said so your self that are in no way attracted to women in other thread your not even bi-curious, as you tried it and felt no sexual attraction to any of the girls.

 

no one is judgemental of open-R's but this doesnt sound like a mutually beneficial one, a lot people dont they can work but i havent seen anyone look down on someone on LS they usually just its not gonna work.

[irc333]

The values of people today are looking more and more like the final days of Rome

 

Yeah, fall of the Roman Empire, and now North America, the things are full circle.

 

It's amazing how people rationalize the most disturbing of behaviors.

[Leigh 87]

I have shown him all of this.

 

 

He swears that he is madly in love with me, and he is happy to never have another threesome again.

He says he did not feel " bored" and that was not the reason we had the threesome. We did not seek it out or anything.

I can see that guys who are with one girl, get bored and need a threesome. But that is not what he said applies to him. He said it happened out of the blue, and that he does not need to have another once since.

 

In fact, to spite people on here, he was like " geez, I am sick of this sh*t, they do not know me, I am not bored of you, that is not why I had the threesome, and I am VERY happy to never have another girl in any way, shape or form again. It was a FANTASY I fulfilled; NOT an indication I was bored of the same women.

 

He honestly feels he would have been fine without the threesome. And it happened before we got serious, any way.

 

He sounded pretty adamant that he is fine to just have me. He thinks every one here is ridiculous for telling him what he feels, when HE is the one who knows what he really thinks.

 

I tend to KNOW the type of guys who are not into their girlfriends, and therefore needs outside help... My boyfriend does not appear to act that way. The threesome was a one of thing, it is not something he needs to have again because he is " bored".

 

Really. I do not think he would act the way he does in real life, and that we would be this close and happy in real life, if he was bored of his sex life and in need of something new.

He is not the worlds best actor. ANd he has better things to do than be with a women he is not into.

[utterer of lies]

For him in general, he cannot even give a girl oral unless he is REALLY into her. At all.

 

See, that is a lie. It's perfectly possible that he would not want to do it.

 

But he is perfectly physically capable of doing it, and if he tells you anything else, it shows how much you can trust his words.

 

What do you mean there is a very slim chance he is actually in love with me?

 

I have no clue if and how much he loves you. The only thing I point out is that if his statements are true, he is very much unlike all other men.

 

You choose not cheat on your partner because you value the relationship and the person, but not because you cannot.

 

He reads these responses and is genuinely disgusted.

 

By himself, I hope. It seems to me he uses your gullibility for his own benefit.

[Leigh 87]

Oh, of course he is ABLE to give oral to another girl. But it is not his cup of tea, it is not something he ENJOYS or has ever DONE to a girl he is not really into. He half assed did it before me once or twice, and has only properly done it with me. Oral and pleasing other girls is a relationship thing for him, he feels.

 

He is not using my gullability against me? He is a good guy. He is the way he is. He is not out banging other girls, or being a jerk. That stuff makes him sick:sick:

 

We both have good integrity and would honestly not lead each other on, if we were not into each other, and therefore needed other people on the side:sick: We would not bother at ALL with a person, if we felt the need to be @ holes!

 

He can go and fo what he wants. But he chooses not to, because he loves me. We want to get married and spend our lives together at this stage. We do not think there is a place for threesomes and messing around, but we are open to one day, in the distant future, that one person for the rest of our lives may not be the most fun thing.

We think that although we COULD happily be together, with no other sexual partner forever, that it does not mean we SHOULD. Just because we COULD be happy that way, we think it is outdated, and that meaningless sex, when in a loving committed relationship, MAY be okay.

We have not gone and tried it, or wanted to try meaningless sex since we have settled down together. It is a THEORY I have.

It is not something we may put into practice.

 

 

All this thread is, is about the fact we BOTH always thought that having sex with the same person forever, does not sound like the most fun way to live. We do not think the " right" person, will make us change our mind.

Neither of us feel tied down or the least bit bored or upset with the prospect of maybe being each others only sexual partner. We just think it would be more fun one day, if other options arise.

And we do not think meaningless, one night stands lead to affairs. We believe that you KNOW the person you want to be with, and then you know you ant to be with THEM, and only want meaningless sex from others.

 

 

We just do not see eye to eye with people, who think being with one partner for their entire lives is the ONLY sign of two people in love. That is all.

[Leigh 87]

[quote

I have no clue if and how much he loves you. The only thing I point out is that if his statements are true, he is very much unlike all other men.

QUOTE]

 

 

 

 

Why is he unlike all other men? Are you in the opinion, that a man cannot be in love, and be able to have meaningless sex with a girl?

 

Basically, like all the people on here who think it is either a traditional arrangment, or that it is NOT true love? ( bullsh*t in other words:D)

 

I know a lot of men who love their partners deaply, and yet would love having his girl with a hot babe, in a threesome. These men know what propper love is. They have been around the block and know the difference between love and in love. They simple want to be with their girlfriends, but would NOT knock back a threesome with their girl, and a very hot babe. To a lot of men, it seams they can be in love and have meaningless sex.

 

On the other hand, I also know guys who cannot be in love and have threesomes, even if their girlfriend brought home a super model. They do not have the ability to be in true love, and enjoy meaningless sex with a hot babe, even if their girlfriend was okay with it.

 

My partner has always separated sex and emotions, besides with two girls; his ex and me. We are both very adept at having meaningless sex with people we have no intention of getting attached to.

[Radu]

I don't like the idea of having sex with the one person for my entire life.

 

Apparently, a lot of people think the traditional model of " one sexual partner for your entire life" it out dated, also.

 

That said, I also want to be very happy and satisfied with a partner... My theory is no matter how happy I am with a partner, that sex with one person for your entre life STILL is not ideal for every one; that no matter how in love I am, I still think I will feel this way.

I am lucky I found a guy who agrees with me, because from this website, it appears that MOST people either believe in : one sexual partner for your entire lives, or nothing at all.

 

 

You mean you found a guy that is ok with the ideea of having sex with not just you but with others as well ?

Man, that sure is lucky, those guys are incredibly rare.

[utterer of lies]

Oh, of course he is ABLE to give oral to another girl. But it is not his cup of tea, it is not something he ENJOYS or has ever DONE to a girl he is not really into. He half assed did it before me once or twice, and has only properly done it with me. Oral and pleasing other girls is a relationship thing for him, he feels.

 

So he had sex with girls and didn't care about their pleasure? He was just using them for his own gain with no regard for their sexual fulfillment?

 

Wow, great guy.

 

He is not out banging other girls, or being a jerk. That stuff makes him sick:sick:

 

Having sex with girls without at least trying to make sure it's a great experience for both kind of makes him a jerk.

 

 

He can go and fo what he wants. But he chooses not to, because he loves me. We want to get married and spend our lives together at this stage. We do not think there is a place for threesomes and messing around, but we are open to one day, in the distant future, that one person for the rest of our lives may not be the most fun thing.

 

Look. You obviously are still processing your experience with the threesome, and it seems to me you are not quite honest to yourself or us about what this did to you.

 

I am sorry that you have to go through this.

 

We think that although we COULD happily be together, with no other sexual partner forever, that it does not mean we SHOULD. Just because we COULD be happy that way, we think it is outdated, and that meaningless sex, when in a loving committed relationship, MAY be okay.

We have not gone and tried it, or wanted to try meaningless sex since we have settled down together. It is a THEORY I have.

It is not something we may put into practice.

 

You say 'we', but I get the feeling that it's mainly him who holds these views.

 

And we do not think meaningless, one night stands lead to affairs. We believe that you KNOW the person you want to be with, and then you know you ant to be with THEM, and only want meaningless sex from others.

 

Sex with other people does not have to be meaningless. You can have meaningful sex outside of relationships. And humans are too complicated to be able to always separate sex from feelings. It might work sometimes, but it's not something that you can guarantee.

 

We just do not see eye to eye with people, who think being with one partner for their entire lives is the ONLY sign of two people in love. That is all.

 

No one says that.

 

I don't think you have internalized your boyfriend's views about this as much as you say. Why do you create all these threads? Seems conflicted to me. You accepted that you will have to copy his views, and probably want to do that because you want him. Still, there's doubt in you.

 

Are you really happy that he has meaningless sex with other girls? Hookers? Really? Why?

[utterer of lies]

Why is he unlike all other men? Are you in the opinion, that a man cannot be in love, and be able to have meaningless sex with a girl?

 

I'm not talking about love. I was talking about your assertions that he cannot please other women, women that he is not in a relationship with. In a later post you retracted this assertion, so ..yeah.

 

However, I do not believe that you can have meaningless sex 'on command'. You will only find out afterwards if the sex was meaningless or not.

 

I know a lot of men who love their partners deaply, and yet would love having his girl with a hot babe, in a threesome. These men know what propper love is. They have been around the block and know the difference between love and in love. They simple want to be with their girlfriends, but would NOT knock back a threesome with their girl, and a very hot babe. To a lot of men, it seams they can be in love and have meaningless sex.

 

I find it much more easier to believe that most people can have multiple non-meaningless relationships with sex in parallel. Just head over to the infidelity forum. Many married men and women have affairs, and this doesn't usually make their original relationship meaningless. Nor the new one. Instead, it becomes a tangled mess of sex, love, desire and chaos.

 

I find that your view that things can be properly separated is naive.

 

My partner has always separated sex and emotions, besides with two girls; his ex and me. We are both very adept at having meaningless sex with people we have no intention of getting attached to.

 

What can I possibly say to this.

 

'People we have no intention of getting attached to' - life doesn't work like this. Humans don't.

[Leigh 87]

To me, I would not feel right if he were to have a meaningful sexual encounter. That involves passionate kissing, foreplay, etc.

To me, that is a knife in the heart. It is cheating. I could not handle him WANTING to have " meaningful" sex. With anyone else.

What I am okay with, is to use another women as a human sex toy. That is why we used a hooker. We discussed it, and he does not WANT the whole package with another girl; he did not WANT intimacy, forplay, and a connection. He literally wanted a new vagina to stick his d*ck in.

 

To him, he cannot be into a girl, and have meaningful sex with another girl. What he CAN do, is be into a girl, be with her a long time, and accept meaningless sex, purely for the sake of a new body. And this is not something that is essential.

Of course I need to make these threads and process things. I do not want to go into things blind. I like to ask him these questions, too, and have him answer honestly.

 

Threesomes and sexual relations outside of the relatioship is NOT somethinig to take lightly. MOST couples do not survive it, and I notice that the most in love couples tend to not think the way we do. We both feel very much in love, as much as " those lovey dovey couples we know of that would not consider threesomes.

So it is good to hear that it does not normally work out. For that reason, we have both decided to listen to peoples advice, and ot have any sort of threesome, hooker, or meaningless sexual adventure. Again.

We wanted to make the best desision for our relationship, so I have asked peoples experience on the matter. MOst people say that it is best to not explore threesomes and alternate relationship styles, so now we are very wearing of it.

 

Just because we feel our love is invinsible now, we are both 25 and would rather be careful; we have had our fun threesome, which was both a strong fantasy of both of ours, and now we think it is best to settle down and not do that sort of thing. We read all these threads and posts and have both made a mutual desision on the issue.

 

Look, we just did what felt right for both of us. We both discussed what we wanted.

What I have written is exactly what we both feel. We feel in love, we wanted to try a threesome early on, but we have no interest to expore it again

Just because we have a " theory" that two people in love, should not necessarily have ONE sexual partner for ever, it does not mean we want to explore that right away, if at all.

[Leigh 87]

What can I possibly say to this.

 

'People we have no intention of getting attached to' - life doesn't work like this. Humans don't.

 

 

 

That is why I MADE this thread. Because what we both BELIEVE, may not be TRUE later down the track. We want to have an INFORMED opinion. We do not want to risk our relationship, just because we are relatively young, and feel our relationship is indestructable.

 

Neither of us believe we can POSSIBLE fall in love with a person we sleep with for a one night stand.

 

If ANYthing, we would hire a hire class hooker. NO real life people.... And in that case, how on earth could it be the least bit meaningful? enough to damage our relationship?

[utterer of lies]

Why would he choose to have sex without passion? If he gets the ok from you to have sex with other girls, there is no reason why not make the best out of it. And that includes passionate kissing, and whatever else - it doesn't even really matter. It might even include using women as sex-toys, if he's into certain BDSM techniques.

 

But already the fact that he admits using women for sex should make you wary.

 

And hookers are people too. He might as easily fall for a hooker than for a girl you met in other circumstances. Just because they are sex workers does not make them ... inhuman... or whatever you think it is that will prevent your bf from developing an attachment.

 

Anyway - I hope all the best for you, and I hope that you will learn something from this experience. It will be very painful for you, but it's better you learn this with 25 and a boyfriend than when you are married with 35.

[Leigh 87]

We are very open and honest with each other. We are extremely close, and he just does not want to have anything passionate with anyone else besides me.

 

Meaningful sex is wonderful. But only with the girl your into. That is his take on it.

 

He can have meaningless sex, but not meaningful sex with others. I have broken up with him before, and told him to see if he wants meaningful sex with others. He just does not want that. He wants the passionate sex and sexual activities to be between us.

It is very simple to us: we think that it is possible to have meaningless sex if we stay together for many years.

However, neither of us want meaningful sex, while we are in love.

 

That is just how we feel. It is us. We see nothing wrong with a hooker, but everything wrong with meaningful sex with others.

 

He has very good integrity and is a nice guy, he is nto the type to lie. What he tells me is how he feels. I do not think he is deluded either. He knows how he feels. And he days he loves me very much, but would probably be able to have meaningless sex, but not meaninful sex.

 

Passionately kissing other people, when we are together, makes us both sick:sick: The though of either of us doing it with other people! Just yuck.

[Leigh 87]

Why would he choose to have sex without passion? If he gets the ok from you to have sex with other girls, there is no reason why not make the best out of it. And that includes passionate kissing, and whatever else - it doesn't even really matter. It might even include using women as sex-toys, if he's into certain BDSM techniques.

 

But already the fact that he admits using women for sex should make you wary.

 

And hookers are people too. He might as easily fall for a hooker than for a girl you met in other circumstances. Just because they are sex workers does not make them ... inhuman... or whatever you think it is that will prevent your bf from developing an attachment.

 

Anyway - I hope all the best for you, and I hope that you will learn something from this experience. It will be very painful for you, but it's better you learn this with 25 and a boyfriend than when you are married with 35.

 

 

 

WHAT will be very painful for me!?!?! I cannot see him leaving me for someone else anytime soon. Or cheating. Or wanting passionate sex with another women.

[make me believe]

I think that MOST people when they are in love do not have this massive desire to have sex with others. Sure, they might have some fantasies or fleeting thoughts wondering "what if" here and there, but more than likely they would not be willing to risk what they have with their partner (again, assuming they are happy & in love) just to experience 30 mins of f*cking someone new. I think engaging in this type of behavior is incredibly risky to a marriage or long term relationship. I know that you insist your bf could never fall in love with one of these girls he's having sex with or wanting to have sex with, Leigh, but the reality is that the possibility of him doing so is pretty big. Well......maybe not for your bf since he apparently doesn't give a crap about the girls he wants to fk, but for a lot of people sex is a bonding experience and unexpected emotions & attachments can arise.

 

Plus, a lot of people just can't stomach the thought of their SO having sex with somebody else. Really I think that people like to sound "progressive" and "open-minded" and talk about this new "ideal" of banging anybody and everybody you want but in reality very few people actually live this type of lifestyle.

 

And then of course there's the complication of finding a 3rd party. Unless you hire a prostitute, it's not going to be that easy to find women out there who want to come in, eff your boyfriend, and then just disappear.

[truth_seeker]

I wouldn't feel comfortable having multiple sexual partners at once, or the woman I'm dating wanting to have multiple partners. Once feelings get involved, jealousy ensues.

[veggirl]

Leigh, if you are IRL how you are on this message board then yes I do think your BF without a doubt loves you. He'd have to, just to tolerate your obsessiveness with this issue. I do think he loves you, desires you, etc. I think he thinks he hit the jackpot because you are "into" the idea of a more open sexual relationship than is considered normal.

 

My concern about you and your R is not whether or not Andrew is into you or loves you. It's whether or not the things you engage in with him are truly things YOU want. If you had a new partner, if you and Andrew broke up, and your new BF was not into sex with anyone but you forever and ever...would you still feel that you can not be satisfied with just one sexual partner for the rest of your life? You say that you and Andrew are in agreement on this, and if so great! You found someone compatible. But I wonder and worry that you are just appeasing him, you like it because he likes it. If a diff guy didn't like it, would you still desire the variety? I don't think you would. I hope I am wrong...

[Negative Nancy]

people started saying " um, it is not technically POSSIBLE for a man to be madl yin love, and have sex with other women. NOT possible"

 

don't worry, for men it's VERY possible to enjoy the benefits of a relationship while banging others on the side, they've been doing it since the dawn of the time and will still do it 5 trillion years from now.

 

only women know the true meaning of loyalty (women in general, not you, obviously), no wonder they are called the "fairer" sex.

[kaylan]

don't worry, for men it's VERY possible to enjoy the benefits of a relationship while banging others on the side, they've been doing it since the dawn of the time and will still do it 5 trillion years from now.

 

only women know the true meaning of loyalty (women in general, not you, obviously), no wonder they are called the "fairer" sex.

Why are you such a misandrist? Leave it to you to be the only female I can think of whos just as bad as the male sock trolls on this site.

 

Just as many women cheat as men.

 

And there are many guys who are loyal and only have sex with the woman they love once they are committed. Me being one of them. Once I fall for a chick, shes the only girl I want to be intimate with.

[Trimmer]

I get sad and confused, when my partner says he is madl yin love with me and acts like it, and I believe it to be our reality fro so long, only to have people question it.

omg, omg, omg..... THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! ! ! !

 

You've created (another) thread announcing a situation that you claim is stable and satisfying, and the thread pretty much guarantees people will comment on it it in a way that aggravates you.

 

If you and your partner are completely happy with it, then the problem isn't in your relationship, the problem is that you continue posting about it.

 

What do you suppose would happen if, say.... you stopped posting on this subject? Hmm.... other people would stop posting, then nobody would be questioning your relationship.

 

You would have a satisfying relationship that is apparently working for you and your partner (check) and nobody would be questioning it (check.)

 

What is the continued posting about it helping?

Edited July 11, 2012 by Trimmer

[CarrieT]

omg, omg, omg..... THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! ! ! !

 

You've created (another) thread announcing a situation that you claim is stable and satisfying, and the thread pretty much guarantees people will comment on it it in a way that aggravates you.

 

If you and your partner are completely happy with it, then the problem isn't in your relationship, the problem is that you continue posting about it.

 

What do you suppose would happen if, say.... you stopped posting on this subject? Hmm.... other people would stop posting, then nobody would be questioning your relationship.

 

You would have a satisfying relationship that is apparently working for you and your partner (check) and nobody would be questioning it (check.)

 

What is the continued posting about it helping?

 

Please notice that I asked practically the same thing four pages ago and did not get a response...

 

This has been a continuing pattern with Leigh for more than a year now; she is letting her self-worth and insecurities bleed out. I believe it will ultimately destroy her relationship because if you pick at a scab long enough, it turns into a festering wound that can't heal and is permanently infected.

[Trimmer]

Please notice that I asked practically the same thing four pages ago and did not get a response...

 

This has been a continuing pattern with Leigh for more than a year now; she is letting her self-worth and insecurities bleed out. I believe it will ultimately destroy her relationship because if you pick at a scab long enough, it turns into a festering wound that can't heal and is permanently infected.

And in this case, it's like the scab doesn't even have to exist, but you cut yourself, then wait for it to clot over, just so you can pick it... Yikes!

 

Put the dang knife away!