venusianx13 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I met my boyfriend about 3.5 months ago via a silly whim on a dating site. Neither of us expected for something so wonderful to come to us so quickly, but we connect(ed) so well...almost like long lost best friends (and lovers, of course.) When I set out into singlehood again, I was NOT looking to force something serious right away. I dated a couple of men, okay guys, but nothing stuck. Soon thereafter, mry boyfriend and I met and captured each other's hearts. We are both nearly 30, and have both had our fair share of crappy relationships. However, I would go through it all over again, as long as I knew he were waiting at the other side. In short, he was worth the wait, and he expresses the same sentiment to me. We are perfectly compatible in every way, and our disagreements (though few and far between) never turn into any kind of angry battle. Something about our dynamic just works so well. I was absolutely, 100% sure that this is the man I am going to marry, from early on in the relationship. Yet, I held these cards close to me. He, however, was very vocal and poured out his feelings like a fountain in the next couple of months... he told me he loved me after about a month. I already knew he did, but this solidified it. And I reciprocated. We seemed like were were on the same page... he expressed to me his want to carry our relationship into the future, to have a meaningful life with me, and saw a future with me. I ran with those words. I was excited, my family was excited (my mom STILL thinks he is going to propose sooner than later) but now I am not so sure. I feel like his words manifested tons of expectations, and now, even though we still have a very strong relationship and are still very in love with one another, those kinds of sentiments don't come very often from him anymore, and when I bring them up, it's not that he's reluctant to talk with me, but it becomes a little deluded and we seem to go around in circles. I feel like I am left on the page he led me to, alone. The seemingly natural progression of our relationship has come to a halt. He is the very analytical type, in fact, he analyzes statistics for a living... I think he possibly feels he said those things prematurely, and has now pulled those cards back very close to him. I see it as confusing and somewhat unfair and am left feeling somewhat disillusioned. :/ I love him very much...my FAMILY loves him very much (and if they didn't, they'd let me know!) My mother tells me to not bring these things up with him anymore, but he planted ideas in my head and now...what? What happened? I understand he's also had his share of heart ache and doesn't want our relationship to fail, so I believe that is part of this. I don't think he'd hurt me, ever. But in light of how his words brought me to certain conclusions, and now I am left feeling very alone on that page... what should I do? I don't want this to make me crazy. Outside perspectives welcomed.
Author venusianx13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Addendum: He still wears his heart on his sleeve for me. He still loves me, as he shows it in his words and his actions. maybe what I'm asking is: Should this be enough? He poured his heart out to me, so should I just have faith that the relationship will progress? Should I really NOT bring this up in conversation to him, at least for the time being? He seems a bit bewildered that I am suddenly uncertain about where things are going.
Philosoraptor Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 If you trust that he still loves and cares about you then I'd let it slide. It's not uncommon at all to get in head over heals only to straighten up and see what life and love truly has for us. Understand that it's our expectations that most often leave us hurt... not the actions of someone else. If the love and care is there then let life happen. 2
veggirl Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Your post confused me a bit. What I gathered was this: 3.5 month relationship discussed marriage / being together in the future quite a bit now he is pulling back from that? Is that right? Assuming so, 3.5 mos in is awfully soon to be having so much marriage / future talk imo. Way too soon to actually be considering a proposal and possibly expecting one--it's still the honeymoon phase, of course it's fabulous! It's supposed to be. I'm glad it is! But now things are settling down, now things are calming down and the initial buzz is wearing off and he is settling in. That's fine. Now is the time to explore whether you truly DO work together or if you were just both excited about meeting someone cool. Layoff the marriage talk, let things develop as they will. You don't need to rush things.
Author venusianx13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Yeah, I guess so... but he started the ball rolling with that talk, I didn't. I just went with it. It almost seems unfair to me now that he's slowing down. I don't want to resent him for this. He did put a lot of ideas in my head.
veggirl Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Yeah, I guess so... but he started the ball rolling with that talk, I didn't. I just went with it. It almost seems unfair to me now that he's slowing down. I don't want to resent him for this. He did put a lot of ideas in my head. Okay well, seriously you need to consciously recognize and acknowledge that those feelings and talks were caused by the honeymoon flutters, it happens ALL THE TIME. I mean honestly at your late 20s you should be like wtf if someone you have only known for a month or whatever (not sure how early on he was talking like this) is talking about marrying you!! So how early was it that he started talking about marrying you? I mean I am 29 myself and if someone I'd been with for a month or so was seriously talking about marrying me I would think they're nuts. You flat out do not know someone well enough that quickly to make claims like that. You should know that.
Author venusianx13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Definitely, I should know a thing or two about relationships by now. I guess I just ran with the seemingly natural flow of things. Still, our dynamic is perfect, we get along so well, and he didn't bring up the "future" stuff until about two months in. I held my cards close to me, and had a great feeling about it all, so I felt it was safe for me to put some weight on those words. Eh, I feel like a fool. I guess I'd just thought I'd finally found my "happy ending".
Author venusianx13 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 In thinking about this some more, in short, I feel led on to some extent. Maybe a little toyed with. I guess I feel resentful. :/
veggirl Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Definitely, I should know a thing or two about relationships by now. I guess I just ran with the seemingly natural flow of things. Still, our dynamic is perfect, we get along so well, and he didn't bring up the "future" stuff until about two months in. I held my cards close to me, and had a great feeling about it all, so I felt it was safe for me to put some weight on those words. Eh, I feel like a fool. I guess I'd just thought I'd finally found my "happy ending". How often do you bring up these talks? I was re-reading your OP. It sounds like you bring it up a lot, talks about the future? He is probably feeling pressured. You have to relax!! You def still may have found your happy ending! Why are you being so negative about this? He still tells you he loves you right? He is still with you, he wants to be. You are going to push him away if you start obsessing over this and analyzing what he says and how often and all that stuff. you have to stop. It IS too soon for you guys to be planning marriage and stuff, you can not be mad at him for recognizing that. In thinking about this some more, in short, I feel led on to some extent. Maybe a little toyed with. I guess I feel resentful. :/ You haven't been led on. Yes your BF should have been mature enough to keep his mouth shut and not blurt out every passing whim that crossed his mind (marriage) but it happens. It happens a lot early on when people are excited. He did not bring those things up maliciously to lead you on. He loves you, you say your dynamic is perfect, you really have to relax about this.
Author venusianx13 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Thank you. This is all very sound advice. I don't want to push him away... I suppose I stayed in fast forward mode and got ahead of myself. I also think that when I met him, my biological clock went a little berzerk because I recognized how fantastic a husband and father he would be (and yeah, fireworks went off in my head when he initiated that kind of talk). prior to this relationship, I had done everything in my power to repress those natural feelings. I am a single mom of a six year old boy...was not looking for any kind of savior or step-dad for my kid or instant family. In fact, I was perfectly and happy and whole being single after getting out of an awful, dead-end relationship...and I think my confidence and happiness was part of what made me so attractive to my boyfriend. And certainly, my revisiting the topic with him on a weekly basis makes me look anything but confident... you all have valid points, and thank you for the fantastic advice. It has helped me see things much more clearly. I'm glad I finally posed my question here.
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