Feelings about the breakup are coming back to haunt me, going backwards, just venting

[df1304]

Story about this guy is here.

 

So it's been a little less than a month and a half since he broke up with me. I've been keeping busy, staying happy, talking to a therapist, no contact whatsoever, all that good stuff but last night I was just lying in bed thinking since I couldn't sleep, and something set me off and I couldn't stop thinking about everything. The whole last conversation we had replayed in my head so many times. All those horrible feelings came back, not so intense as that awful night but similar.

 

I just can't stop thinking, does he ever think about me? Does he feel like he made a mistake yet? Does he still feel like he won?

 

And most of all just why me, why me, why me? Out of all the girls in our entire town, all the girls who weren't virgins and were easy and cheap, the girls who didn't have an early curfew, who wouldn't care if their parents liked him, who didn't have friends who wanted better for them and HATED him (because mine always did and he knew it), all the girls who weren't too good for him, he had to pick me. I'm grateful for the lesson I learned from all this, but I don't understand. Was I worth the most points to him or something? The hardest one to get in bed with is worth the satisfaction in the end? Was it really worth the way all my friends shook their heads and talked about him, the way everyone would say "now how did he get her?" Yeah he was a loser, but I loved him, I really thought he loved me, and I wanted him to have some consistency in his life, I wanted to be the one thing he could always feel would never leave or be taken away from him.. I thought everyone deserves that. My therapist said he thinks I was trying to "rescue" him, and don't feel too bad over not being able to do that, because he's in way too deep and would end up miserable no matter what I did. I know he's right, but again.. he didn't have to pick me.

 

I'm not aching over the guy himself, he's truly a dime a dozen - I'm hurt because of the time wasted, the opportunities I turned down and the people I disappointed so I could stay with him.. and I'm angry that he chose to do this to me and not just find someone else who could suit his needs without the emotional investment. And I want him to KNOW, someday, that he made a huge mistake. I want him to regret it so badly.

 

Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads this. And a question, has anyone else done this? Just randomly thought of their ex after a while and all these emotions just poured out? I'm gonna be okay but I thought I was getting him out of my head for good.

[Philosoraptor]

I think most people have little bumps in the road where their mind quickly runs through the grief process. It matters not what he is doing or feeling, but how you're feeling about yourself. Hopefully you will learn from everything that has happened and adjust your people picker accordingly.

[Appleness]

Hey df1304,

 

Would it make you feel better if I did tell you that there was a point system? Because seriously, there is (depending on the age group). I did see it at the time but I guess my ex (he's my first and only too) pursued me for this reason. After I told him I wasn't interested and that I was happy with where my life was at that moment because I had friends, school, and my family.

 

I think they see this as a challenge that if they can break you, they can have anyone. I think they all want to girls that they can't have. The easy one will stay easy. They're not going anywhere. Look, I know it's harsh but you can choose to see one of two ways: 1) You got played and betrayed or 2) You can take it as a sort of twisted compliment and stay away from these a**hats in the future. These are the same immature guys that they they can show off and land a model in there 30's and 40's. They will try to date 20-year-olds in their 50's. If he's a loser now, wait til he's 100 pounds overweight, balding, and blaming YOU for making him that way.

 

As for loving him or being in love with him... *sigh* Sweetheart, in case your parents or your friends haven't told you, you'll always LOVE someone. It's in our nature to do so. You'll grow, feel better, and one day you'll look back on this post at laugh about how someone so insignificant could have brought you so low. If you're the best you can be, you'll attract someone at his best too. Right now, you are the rough equivalent of being "emotionally drunk".

 

Someone once told me that all guys want a good girl who will be bad just for him and all girls want a bad boy to be good just for her. It's sad but in the end, it is just all about our own egos.