Yeahsussu Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I´ve met this great guy (from a dating site) and we´ve seen each other twice. Second time we met I went to his place and stayed for about 4 days We´ve got a great chemistry and we pretty much act like we´re together even though we´re not (holding hands while in town, kissing, having sex....). Anyway, he´s only had one relationship and that lasted for about 10 years. His now ex-girlfriend cheated on him for about 2 years and their relationship ended a bit more than a year ago. He told me he´s more careful now and not as naive as before. He does like me, but how can I help him get his trust back for women? He is a great guy, sometimes it feels like he is too good for me. I really do not wanna mess this up, this is a guy I can see myself with. I do not want to scare him away and I want to give him space. It just a bit terrifying cause I´m scared he´s gonna say that "hey you´re a nice person but this will not work" or something like that. Help?
louise_23 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 "He does like me, but how can I help him get his trust back for women?" apart from being faithful, you cant. he has to get there himself. i can understand you wanting him to trust YOU, but why are you concerned if he trusts all women? "sometimes it feels like he is too good for me" nonsense or he wouldnt be with you and as for being scared he'll say it wont work out - there's nothing you can do apart from go with the flow. maybe you've moved too fast (ie sex on the second meet) and not really given yourself time to work out what his intentions are. but you cant undo that. and he did let you stay for 4 days so i imagine you're just worrying about nothing. i think just keep acting the way you are. dont suddenly become needy or look desperate. you're doing the right thing with giving him space.
daphne Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Being scared of losing someone, somehow tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy. You don't know this guy. You are getting ahead of yourself, which is probably causing negative push behavior. I.e. instead of attracting him, you are more than likely subtly or unsubtly pushing him away with needy behavior. Change your thoughts. Make them more positive. Stop being afraid of losing him. He's not the last guy on earth. In my opinion, it's the only way you can stop this from going the direction you're worried about. It's a turn off when one knows they are the ultimate object of someone else's affection. I don't know why it is this way, but it is. People want at least a little bit of a challenge.
amantis Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 lol You said that you saw him twice and you spent 4 days in his place , after that you said : "He told me he´s more careful now" .... Is he playing you or what? 1
veggirl Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Too much too soon. The staying 4 days on your 2nd date isn't something to be proud of, it's a red flag. It's too much, odds are this will fizzle very quickly, so be prepared for that. and you can't fix anyone's issues or make them trust again. If they run that deeply, he should get therpay.
Author Yeahsussu Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Too much too soon. The staying 4 days on your 2nd date isn't something to be proud of, it's a red flag. It's too much, odds are this will fizzle very quickly, so be prepared for that. and you can't fix anyone's issues or make them trust again. If they run that deeply, he should get therpay. This is also something I´ve been thinking about lately. If it all is too much too soon. But he doesn´t seem to mind it either. He´s gonna come and visit me on Friday and wants to stay the whole weekend at my place. But I guess I´m afraid he will realize it is maybe going a bit too fast and get second thoughts. However we both enjoy each others company and we are still getting to know each other. I just can´t help that feeling at the back of my head that fears that he will dissapear... this is such a great guy and I don´t want to loose him.
veggirl Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 This is also something I´ve been thinking about lately. If it all is too much too soon. But he doesn´t seem to mind it either. He´s gonna come and visit me on Friday and wants to stay the whole weekend at my place. But I guess I´m afraid he will realize it is maybe going a bit too fast and get second thoughts. However we both enjoy each others company and we are still getting to know each other. I just can´t help that feeling at the back of my head that fears that he will dissapear... this is such a great guy and I don´t want to loose him. He will disappear. If you don't want to lose him SLOW DOWN!! Spending 4 days together on a 2nd date, and then 3 days together on the 3rd is inappropriate. Your GUT is even telling you something is off. That's because it is. Can't you date like normal people? See one another a few times a week ON DATES and get to know each other at a regular pace? Why do you need to rush rush rush like this? This will burn bright and hard and be so wonderful for a few months, and you will end up heartbroken. Most likely.
Author Yeahsussu Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 He will disappear. If you don't want to lose him SLOW DOWN!! Spending 4 days together on a 2nd date, and then 3 days together on the 3rd is inappropriate. Your GUT is even telling you something is off. That's because it is. Can't you date like normal people? See one another a few times a week ON DATES and get to know each other at a regular pace? Why do you need to rush rush rush like this? This will burn bright and hard and be so wonderful for a few months, and you will end up heartbroken. Most likely.' I don´t really get why it would be soo innapropriate to spend a few days with each other if both wants it. We do not live in the same city so the only time we can see each other is on weekends. We are just hanging out and getting to know each other. Even though we have known each other for a short period of time we have fun together and we have a great chemistry and I hope it can turn out to be something great. I am certainly not clingy or anything, I give him a lot of space and he is often the one taking initiative to contact me. And I´m not saying something is off, I guess I just wanted some advice on how to do this whole thing right, also taking into consideration that he MIGHT have some trust-issues to work out still (his ex cheated on him).
InJest Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Do what you want. We're just saying be prepared for the inevitable low to this high. It may never come, and maybe you'll be in this honeymoon stage for the next 50 years. It's not up to you to make him trust women. Just behave in a trustworthy way, and hope for the best. It would be silly to go out of your way, because at the end of the day, he either trusts you or he doesn't.
veggirl Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Do what you want OP, but in GENERAL, stuff that starts like this fizzles as quickly as it began. Are you having sex with him?
Author Yeahsussu Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 Do what you want OP, but in GENERAL, stuff that starts like this fizzles as quickly as it began. Are you having sex with him? Yes, we are having sex. I will meet him again this weekend (Fri-Sun), this will be our 6th weekend in a row Something about this guy just gives me butterflies, and he is really a keeper. I´m just scared of screwing this up! He takes initiative to do things together, but how can I tell if he just wants me "for now" or long term?
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 You can't "screw it up" If he really like you, don't you have any confidence in yourself and value? One GF for ten years and his ex cheated on him for 2 years? Whenever a guy paints a sad story and places himself as the victim and everything looks "too good" you need to be on the look out. You need to ask more questions about this relationship, men get away way too easily just buttering up some simplistic reason his last relationship ended then low and behold the guy wasn't up to any good either. You'd be a fool to trust everything that comes out of a mans mouth, you need to really figure out the answers for yourself. I think he's going to end up letting you go though...he's already given you the "sad" story, he's already created a sense of a buffer, and he's willing to dive right into you and just "see where it goes", and now you've only known him for a short time and see him as a saint, ha! I very much doubt this will last for the long-term, and it has nothing to do with you...I think you're just the transitional girl even though you think you can change this man and bring out the better in him...a fools famous last words/train of thought basically....wait till you see the real man, If you can even see by that point.
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