This keeps happening...can't officially walk away.

July 9, 2012

For those who haven't read my story... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/334335-working-things-ex-boyfriend

Anyways, yeah so last night I tried to tell him you know what i can't do this anymore.

Then I went to send him one last goodbye text just saying I didn't want it to happen,and I sent him my justification behind walking away. He told me I need to stop being so wishy washy with it and make up my mind and figure out what I wanted. I told him I knew what I wanted. I also asked him why he wanted it to work out, because no part of him seems happy. And he said because he was extremely happy. I told him I was wishy washy because he doesn't inveset time in me and he said he didn't do that because I change my mind daily (its true.)

So what do I do? I'm trying to give him a chance to step it up, because I know he cares, he knows I care, and I don't feel like it is the right time to walk away from this. I'm going to go nc again until he contacts me, but what if he doesn't do anything, just end it...again...for good?

Part of me wants to give up, the other part wants to keep trying. I really don't know what part to choose and what approach to take this.

Edited July 9, 2012 by livelife

July 9, 2012

If you want it to work you need to wait for him to show his cards and earn your trust. You really need to trust that he won't continue to take the same actions in the future or you're just going to set yourself up for further heartbreak.

July 9, 2012

If you want it to work you need to wait for him to show his cards and earn your trust. You really need to trust that he won't continue to take the same actions in the future or you're just going to set yourself up for further heartbreak.

I do want it to work, thats why I can't officially give up just yet. So you agree with the whole, no contact but if he contacts me, great thing?

July 9, 2012

I do want it to work, thats why I can't officially give up just yet. So you agree with the whole, no contact but if he contacts me, great thing?

I think in this case it would be best for him to openly share his intentions rather than you trying to pry it out of him. Just take care of yourself for now and let life happen.

July 9, 2012

I think in this case it would be best for him to openly share his intentions rather than you trying to pry it out of him. Just take care of yourself for now and let life happen.

I agree, because I am honestly trying to pry it out of him. I need to step off and breathe. He will come to me if he wants it to work like he says. I think it is best if I don't contact him, let him contact me, and let him start to do the things I need him to do for this to work out. He just needs time I guess. Gotta keep myself busy!

July 9, 2012

I'm really not quite understanding the situation here, maybe I should go and read the original story but from what I'm reading here, he's telling you that you're "wishy washy" and you're fully agreeing. Are you changing your mind regarding him and how you feel about the relationship? If so, NC is doing you no favors. You're showing him you don't give a sh*t.

Why should HE be the one to come to you to work things out if you just keep going back and forth with the "wishy washy" behavior? He shouldn't. It's not his problem you act the way you do and it's not up to him to bend over backwards to make this work.

"Wishy washy" behavior shatters trust. And he probably doesn't trust you at all, and has probably pulled back very much on an emotional level. My ex was "wishy washy" all the time. He pulled this stunt every three months. First he was so in love, then he had no idea what he wanted, then he didn't want to lose me, then he wasn't happy, then he wanted to make it work, then he wanted to be single. Being with a person like this is TERRIBLE and after the second time I just cut myself off from him on an emotional level. I really stopped giving a crap in the relationship. I had shown him beyond a doubt I was in love with him, cared for him, supported him, was there for him... and all he kept pulling was this immature, stupid game. I lost all trust for him. I had no faith when he told me he loved me. I just stopped believing it.

If this is what you're doing... cut the games out. Figure out what you want.

July 9, 2012

I'm really not quite understanding the situation here, maybe I should go and read the original story but from what I'm reading here, he's telling you that you're "wishy washy" and you're fully agreeing. Are you changing your mind regarding him and how you feel about the relationship? If so, NC is doing you no favors. You're showing him you don't give a sh*t.

Why should HE be the one to come to you to work things out if you just keep going back and forth with the "wishy washy" behavior? He shouldn't. It's not his problem you act the way you do and it's not up to him to bend over backwards to make this work.

"Wishy washy" behavior shatters trust. And he probably doesn't trust you at all, and has probably pulled back very much on an emotional level. My ex was "wishy washy" all the time. He pulled this stunt every three months. First he was so in love, then he had no idea what he wanted, then he didn't want to lose me, then he wasn't happy, then he wanted to make it work, then he wanted to be single. Being with a person like this is TERRIBLE and after the second time I just cut myself off from him on an emotional level. I really stopped giving a crap in the relationship. I had shown him beyond a doubt I was in love with him, cared for him, supported him, was there for him... and all he kept pulling was this immature, stupid game. I lost all trust for him. I had no faith when he told me he loved me. I just stopped believing it.

If this is what you're doing... cut the games out. Figure out what you want.

Read the original story, please.

And no I've shown him that I care, but he ignores my text when i try to say something sweet, always has a reason to not hanging out. Just read the story.

He is the reason i'm wishy washy. How can I prove to him that I want him and that he can trust me?

July 9, 2012

Reading your post I can see how he'd be emotionally drained, your behaviour is not something that would make me feel calm and secure.

I would work on your behaviour, he's not your shrink, and it seems like you lay all your emotions at his feet like a roller coaster, it's got to be exhausting for the poor guy.

So anyway, I would talk to someone, but not him. Talk to someone wise, or someone who's been trained to counsel people.

July 9, 2012

Reading your post I can see how he'd be emotionally drained, your behaviour is not something that would make me feel calm and secure.

I would work on your behaviour, he's not your shrink, and it seems like you lay all your emotions at his feet like a roller coaster, it's got to be exhausting for the poor guy.

So anyway, I would talk to someone, but not him. Talk to someone wise, or someone who's been trained to counsel people.

So how can I show him.

July 9, 2012

Show him what? That you love him? He knows.

Show him that you're going to change? Make it happen. Like I said, work on yourself. If you don't have insurance they have clinics based on the revenue and a cession will cost you about 20 bucks (I know, been there).

Books are a good resource too.

Anyway, force yourself not to dump your incertitude and emotional baggage on him, it's a relationship killer.

July 9, 2012

Show him what? That you love him? He knows.

Show him that you're going to change? Make it happen. Like I said, work on yourself. If you don't have insurance they have clinics based on the revenue and a cession will cost you about 20 bucks (I know, been there).

Books are a good resource too.

Anyway, force yourself not to dump your incertitude and emotional baggage on him, it's a relationship killer.

Yeah how can i change, still ask him to hang out or just let him come to me completely

July 9, 2012

Yeah how can i change, still ask him to hang out or just let him come to me completely

I just told you how.

For now I would give the poor guy a break yes. I'd be friendly, do not make a 180 by becoming super distant (that would be another roller coaster) but I wouldn't push it either. And I would avoid at all cost crying or whining in front of him.

Just be cool.. be calm... composed... be yourself but just trim off the bad stuff that freaks him out.

It's all about the healthy balance.

July 10, 2012

I just told you how.

For now I would give the poor guy a break yes. I'd be friendly, do not make a 180 by becoming super distant (that would be another roller coaster) but I wouldn't push it either. And I would avoid at all cost crying or whining in front of him.

Just be cool.. be calm... composed... be yourself but just trim off the bad stuff that freaks him out.

It's all about the healthy balance.

Does it sound to you like he doesn't care? Because thats what this guy I talked to about today thinks, that he just doesn't care but doesn't want to hurt me and tell me that..

July 10, 2012

Livelife I've read a few of your threads and sometimes I wonder if you're my ex haha. But theres a few differences to the stories.

From his point of view being in his position myself, and I apologise if this is blunt or rude but stop playing games, there is no way he is going to get "You need to prove yourself to me" from you saying "I cant do this I'm walking away". All he will get from that is "I can't do this I'm walking away". We arent DaVincci.

My ex is doing similar things to me.. I get impressions she wants to be fought for, but then she gives me the opposite by distancing herself or cancelling on plans for me to take her out. Or telling me we shouldnt be hanging out that its unhealthy, and then pulling me close to her and being intimate. We men are simple beings when it comes to this. We would rather slug a few punches into someone and get it over with and move on than give and recieve hints, clues and tests. But seeing as violence against women is VERY wrong we would much rather just be told the truth, how it is and nothing else. I know that if my ex is testing me, or testing the waters or giving me hints thats it's what she needs to do, but I would t much rather she just tell me "This is how I feel, this is what you need to do, do it for me or lose me for good"

It's a complicated, yet simple situation I think. He's telling you not to be wishy washy and to make up your mind. So do that. Tell him how it is and how it needs to be. Tell him you want him to make the effort and you dont want to talk away, BUT you will if he doesnt step up. Make him prove himself. Don't confuse him.

Then again I'm speaking more or less from where I gather he is at in this situation. Trying to give you an insight from his point of view. I dont want to stir anything here but yeah. You're right in stepping back, taking a breather and letting him come to you, just be careful you dont say the wrong things and lead them in the wrong direction in doing so.

July 10, 2012

Does it sound to you like he doesn't care? Because thats what this guy I talked to about today thinks, that he just doesn't care but doesn't want to hurt me and tell me that..

If he didnt care what would stop him telling you? Thats a contradiction.

If he didnt care about you, you would not hear from him at all, ever. You would be forgotten about and discarded like lasts nights leftovers. You would have been an object of personal gain to him. And now you would be nothing.

This obviously isnt the case. He most definitely cares.

July 10, 2012

Livelife I've read a few of your threads and sometimes I wonder if you're my ex haha. But theres a few differences to the stories.

From his point of view being in his position myself, and I apologise if this is blunt or rude but stop playing games, there is no way he is going to get "You need to prove yourself to me" from you saying "I cant do this I'm walking away". All he will get from that is "I can't do this I'm walking away". We arent DaVincci.

My ex is doing similar things to me.. I get impressions she wants to be fought for, but then she gives me the opposite by distancing herself or cancelling on plans for me to take her out. Or telling me we shouldnt be hanging out that its unhealthy, and then pulling me close to her and being intimate. We men are simple beings when it comes to this. We would rather slug a few punches into someone and get it over with and move on than give and recieve hints, clues and tests. But seeing as violence against women is VERY wrong we would much rather just be told the truth, how it is and nothing else. I know that if my ex is testing me, or testing the waters or giving me hints thats it's what she needs to do, but I would t much rather she just tell me "This is how I feel, this is what you need to do, do it for me or lose me for good"

It's a complicated, yet simple situation I think. He's telling you not to be wishy washy and to make up your mind. So do that. Tell him how it is and how it needs to be. Tell him you want him to make the effort and you dont want to talk away, BUT you will if he doesnt step up. Make him prove himself. Don't confuse him.

Then again I'm speaking more or less from where I gather he is at in this situation. Trying to give you an insight from his point of view. I dont want to stir anything here but yeah. You're right in stepping back, taking a breather and letting him come to you, just be careful you dont say the wrong things and lead them in the wrong direction in doing so.

haha great response:) Yes I recognize you from here!! I would honestly be so lost without this website. Sometimes its better to get the harsh truth from strangers than from people you know.

I really needed someone from his perspective. But tell me this, how come, when I try to ask him to hang out, he never can, and never tries to make plans? I invited him out today and he couldn't, so I told him to text me when he wants to hang out next, now that's where I back off. I know what I want, but I cant decide that when he acts like this and people are telling me he just doesn't care.

July 10, 2012

I know what you mean, I have bad days, come on here vent a bit and help a few people and I feel much better

Well that could be a few reasons really. Maybe he's clued onto what people talk about on here. When people want to get someone's attention and to get someone missing them and wanting to come back what do people on here tell them to do? Distance yourself, act like you've always got something on and that you're hard to get in touch with and make plans with. I've been told before that if my ex wanted to see me that I should say im busy and drag it on to a later date. And from your position at the moment evidently it works. Because it's got you confused, thinking about him. Why he cant see you, why he's busy, if he cares. Sounds like he's playing it cool and safe. He's unsure what you want because you havent told him. He's not sure if youre going to walk away if he tries to open up. He might be scared too. I know I am in my current situation. So he's trying to get you back on his tail.

Like I said before he definitely cares, this much is true. Maybe try to make a set date to see him. Like some time next week. Find out when he is free and make arrangements. Then see if he sticks to them?

But yeah it could be a few things depending on whats happened between you two during the course of your relationship. Fear of opening up and being hurt, fear of putting in effort and being humiliated and rejected, he might be testing your patience to see how you react, he might want YOU to prove YOURSELF to him. Just to name a few. But until you both collect yourselves and have a casual, mature conversation I don't know that any sure fire answers will be revealed.

July 10, 2012

I know what you mean, I have bad days, come on here vent a bit and help a few people and I feel much better

Well that could be a few reasons really. Maybe he's clued onto what people talk about on here. When people want to get someone's attention and to get someone missing them and wanting to come back what do people on here tell them to do? Distance yourself, act like you've always got something on and that you're hard to get in touch with and make plans with. I've been told before that if my ex wanted to see me that I should say im busy and drag it on to a later date. And from your position at the moment evidently it works. Because it's got you confused, thinking about him. Why he cant see you, why he's busy, if he cares. Sounds like he's playing it cool and safe. He's unsure what you want because you havent told him. He's not sure if youre going to walk away if he tries to open up. He might be scared too. I know I am in my current situation. So he's trying to get you back on his tail.

Like I said before he definitely cares, this much is true. Maybe try to make a set date to see him. Like some time next week. Find out when he is free and make arrangements. Then see if he sticks to them?

But yeah it could be a few things depending on whats happened between you two during the course of your relationship. Fear of opening up and being hurt, fear of putting in effort and being humiliated and rejected, he might be testing your patience to see how you react, he might want YOU to prove YOURSELF to him. Just to name a few. But until you both collect yourselves and have a casual, mature conversation I don't know that any sure fire answers will be revealed.

I know one part of him is scared that i'm just going to up and leave him like I did for the initial break up. I act on impulse, and hes scared that if during a fight I could just call it quits again, and that hurts him, obviously. SO I guess me saying that I cant do it anymore hasnt helped him. But its hard when in my eyes he just doesnt seem to want to see me. I think since i left the door open for him to ask me to hang out, i'll wait a couple days and see how he takes it, and not text him until he contacts me. And when we hang out, just be happy, be the girl he fell in love with. Do you have a story on here? I'll find it and try to give you some insight

July 10, 2012

Wow we're so much alike here...

I acted on impulse and up and left my ex, and I feel like part of her is scared I'll do it again. So I'm trying to prove , without making myself vulnerable, that she has nothing to fear. It's not easy tho when she said some pretty blunt and harsh things sometimes haha.

Perfect plan I think, I'm doing the same thing. Being the guy she fell in love with and being myself. Not talking about US or feelings or the past or the future so much as just enjoying each others company. Doin that has by far produced the best results.

I have about 10 threads on here telling my story bit by bit /: Bit of a blogger I think...

But the most recent one which you'll definitely be able to relate too, which is where I've taken some of my advice to you from is called "Well I was wrong". I'd link it but just look at the most recent ones in the list of threads, it was commented on not long ago

It would be great if you could read it and share your thoughts, seeing as your a female, and seem to be doing and thinking in the way my friends tell me that my ex is.

July 10, 2012

Wow we're so much alike here...
I acted on impulse and up and left my ex, and I feel like part of her is scared I'll do it again. So I'm trying to prove , without making myself vulnerable, that she has nothing to fear. It's not easy tho when she said some pretty blunt and harsh things sometimes haha.

Perfect plan I think, I'm doing the same thing. Being the guy she fell in love with and being myself. Not talking about US or feelings or the past or the future so much as just enjoying each others company. Doin that has by far produced the best results.

I have about 10 threads on here telling my story bit by bit /: Bit of a blogger I think...

But the most recent one which you'll definitely be able to relate too, which is where I've taken some of my advice to you from is called "Well I was wrong". I'd link it but just look at the most recent ones in the list of threads, it was commented on not long ago

It would be great if you could read it and share your thoughts, seeing as your a female, and seem to be doing and thinking in the way my friends tell me that my ex is.

I am in the middle of reading it, but stopped to check to see if you had responded. I am already forming an opinion as I read and will definitely respond:) How old are you? I will be posting here as the week goes on with my ex. I also just checked, I asked his best friend if he knew how my ex felt, if my ex cared for me or what, and he didn't respond...he read it about 30 minutes ago. Ouch. that isn't good news.

July 10, 2012

Okay thanks Ill keep in touch as with this thread. And I'm 21.

Dont think into that. I for one hate sending a txt and not getting swift replies. But it could literally be anything!! He could take long showers, read magazines on the toilet, be at work, at the gym, driving. There are millions of reasons we dont check our phones for lengthy periods of time.

On the other hand he could be asking your ex for permission to discuss him with you. If my best mate's ex came to me asking for information I know I would talk to my mate before responding. Asking what I should say or if he wants me to ignore it. It isnt a bad sign if he doesnt reply. Your ex might not want to give anything away, to keep you guessing and to keep the situation between you and him..

July 10, 2012

Maybe I shouldn't have messaged his best friend, but It was when noone was replying to me on here and I had a minute of desperation so I went for it. It will upset my ex that i'm going to his friends for advice, as it has before...but what does he expect? Next time I hear from him and his friend told him I messaged him...I bet he will be upset with me talking to his friend about us.

July 10, 2012

and now I just feel embarrassed that I messaged him. I feel like I look so desperate and helpless.

July 10, 2012

Don't be hard on yourself

So you had a moment of sadness and sent someone a message.

If it upsets your ex just tell him you wouldn't have done it if you didn't care. Unless you don't want him to know you care?

There were times I sent messages that I instantly regretted sending. Don't worry about how people will react to it until you see for yourself. Who knows it might turn out good this time. After all it's just a harmless txt. If anything it's showing your ex you think about him.

July 10, 2012

Next time you're feeling down, or having a moment of weakness, write the message you want to send to whoever and instead of sending it to the person, post it up here. That way you're getting the thoughts out onto paper.. kind of.. screen maybe? and venting them.

Or you can do what I'm doing on my thread and have a complete mental breakdown and lose the plot.

But at least I'm doing it online and not in the workplace or where my ex can see / hear. lol

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This keeps happening...can't officially walk away.

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