Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Basically after a 4 year really good relationship I walked in to the house one day and the gf tell me her feeling have changed and leaves. She never mentioned anything specifically going wrong but I was aware we had it pretty tough. We were both 6 months in to new jobs, huge commutes and had moved to a new area with no friends/family around. In hindsight I can see that our relationship was failing but I didn't realise. She obviously did feel this but chose to keep quiet about it and bottle things up. Anyway following the break up I found out by logging in to her facebook that she had been briefly messaged some guy who also started at her work 6 months ago inappropriately, flirting etc (incredibly unlike her). This obviously really angered me and I basically asked to meet with her, I tore strips out of her about it as she deserved. She was adamant the messages meant nothing and this guy was just a friend. I know this guy had been texting her before and presumed that it was all innocent chat (our relationship was 100% honest, I had no reason to doubt). From here I did my best to employ NC for a month, there was a few slips but generally across a month there must have been only very minor contact points, ususally ending in us both getting upset. After the month I decided to go for it, went around to her house with flowers and just said how it was, my "final stand" or so to speak. I grilled her once I realised there was no going back for us and got her to admit that only a few weeks after we split she has now been seeing this guy, at least on a few dates or drinks. Obviously again I was disgusted and ended up texting her a brutally honest account of how I now felt about her. Anyway I know the ex was upset due to my messages, she is adamant that she never left me for someone else and has even cried and cried to her sister about it..she just says her feeling changed. I know she wont have cheated on me in the physical sense but nethertheless I feel betrayed emotionally, actions speak louder than words. It feels like she was building foundations to see this guy during the end of our relationship when it needed the most work (and I didn't even know anything was wrong, the day we broke up we had a nice walk in the country and lunch at a pub). The cutting thing is this guy isn't even attractive, he is just convienient, he works where she does, he lives in the town she is now going to move to in order to be closer to work. Basically it just feels like she has given up on all we had due to circumstances around logistics, commuting and work and is now moving her whole life (including potential bfs) to make life easier. Anyway I've now cut all ties, the only remaining thing is that flat. She e-amiled me about sorting out the furniture etc but she just really hacks me off. She feels agrieved I'm still in the flat as she so desperately wants to move near work to begin her new social life and start driving less. I'm finding it really hard as all I really want to do is lash out and hurt her more with how badly she has behaved, she just can't see the fact behind what she has done. Ultimately I know work can drive a wedge between couples and maybe we wern't as strong as I hoped but for her not to tell me anything was wrong after 4 years and then instead of patching it up to go and start flirting with some guy, just because he pays her attention and works at the same place.....it feels like she has thrown away everything. I'm 100% she will regret it when her new life settles down and becomes more mundane but I'm finding it so hard. Any advice guys, Cheers, Mark
renewer Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Trust me, the desire to lash out is something i can relate to. But it isn't worth it. It's true she may have hurt you but if you truely loved her then you really shouldn't enjoy the idea of hurting her. Just cut off contact and get on with your life. 1
Author Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 People always say love and hate are close friends. For me this is so true here. I love what I had with her but I HATE the person she has become. Literally I hate her...maybe that's wierd but it's how I feel. I just keep reminding myself of the person she has become and try to forget the time I loved her as it makes it easier for me..
renewer Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Well i can certainly understand that one. My advice still stands though, just move on. I'm going through a similar experience myself and it's what i'm going to have to force myself to do. If anything it should be easy to ignore someone you hate.
Jono85 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 best advice i can give is to GIVE UP and start moving on. i'm in almost the exact same situation, and it's the only option. don't try to fight for her, i did, briefly, and although it suceeded briefly, it didn't last long. u have to let her go. if/when she comes back to u asking for another chance and telling u how much she f*cked up, u can decide whether u want that trash back or not. i know for me, it's going to be hard, b/c i never thought she'd do some of the things she did to me (never physically cheated, but like yours, talked to another guy behind my back/flirting) and basically dating guys as soon as she broke up with me. i'd like to think that i'll be strong enough to say 'go f*ck yourself' (in a more polite way) if she comes crawling back, but who knows. but either way, u need to stop caring about her NOW. don't even get mad at her anymore, it's not worth it. pretend like she's nothing to u anymore. b/c quite honestly, her behaviour like u said is disgusting. and she's not the girl u thought she was.
Author Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 So true Jono... I have given up and I'm happy that the final message I sent to her spelt out exactly how disgusted I was with her behaviour etc. However, it's ****ing annoying I've now got to e-mail her about £s and the flat etc. It feels like it de-values the closure. She even had the cheek to wish me a good weekend not full well what I think of her.
Author Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 should i reply to her e-mail about the flat? Or just messge her sister or mum my response? The flat does need sorting out but I don't want to devalue the final messages i sent her as they gave me sense of closure and pride restored.
Author Sameold Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 so that wouldn't make me look pathetic or anything?
sunlover Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 You need to put yourself first. You dont want to lessen the closure, emailing her sister she will understand. If she lashes out about that....A- shes being immature, B- shes mad that you were strong enough to not contact her.
Dblock10 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 nah samold is right and was right to have a massive lash out at her. if you don't ever let them know how its effected you or hurtful, they won't hesitate to not think about you. ignorance is bliss. im glad i had a go at my ex from about 5 years ago now (my first love) if i hadn't, id have always felt she got away so easily. no guilt. it lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and i moved on accordingly. but yeah there is a line at how much you should have a go at them. you don't know what the future holds. but 4 years is a long relationship. must be gutting
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