zoomzoom Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Well this helps me to talk about it since friends and family just don't understand this far out of the initial split. Here is my first post that explains the situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/316981-5-year-relationship-split-up-could-use-some-input Since then... A rough timeline -The first month after that I started feeling better, was seeing a mental health professional and that did help! - A close friend and officer who is a female that I work with moved into my house as a roomate. This has been a GOD SEND for me. We get along great and she is single also so we can relate in many ways. There is no sexual tension or anything with her, its like living with a sister. - My ex would call from time to time and we did speak but nothing good or bad came from the calls. -She started calling more and more and I had to put my foot down and tell her to stop, we are not friends and only to call me incase something very bad happened or she wanted to get back together. - I was able to backburner my ex and her daughter in my mind alot, I put the focus on ME. Ive done alot of new things, trips, foods, adventures. Even in the process of getting a motorcycle and lasik eye surgery - In the past six months Ive slept with 5 different women, most were one time hook ups two others I have "dated" - The first one I "dated" was into me BIG TIME, way to much for me. I could not even start to build a bond. I let her go and feel bad that I hurt her but I was not feeling it. Not upset over this at all on my end. -The second one Ive been "dating" for the last two months was a newly hired employee. I am a supervisor but was not her direct supervisor so the dept. policy was not in violation. We started sleeping together before she even started with us. New officers are on probation before they start field training / academy. She became very jealous of my roomate and our fellow co-worker since we all work together, not all on the same squad.. thing became very tense between the two of them because of the one I was dating suspecting something was going on with the roomate and there is and was not a thing happening between us. - My ex shows up at my door about a month and a half ago with her daughter, she was visting a friend down the street. I invite her inside. The "girlfreind" was sleeping in my bed, she heard the noise in the living room and pops out. So my ex and the current GF are face to face, I was in a very odd place with this lol. The GF left to get some food and I stayed and talked with my ex and her daughter for a brief time. I dont think the ex was expecting to see another girl come from my room. -The one im "dating" was just let go about two weeks ago, she was not making the cut and brought to much drama to work. Ive been in the process of breaking up with her since then, we have nothing in common and I can't even look at her in a relationship sense. The sex and having a dinner date is the only thing I get from it. - I have learned the lesson that you don't sleep with co-workers from all of this! I'm lucky it did not cause me issues at work and I feel bad that she was let go but I am glad she is gone. - Oddly enough, before all this happened I find myself missing my ex more and more and her daughter just as much - I feel so much pain and regret for the things I did not do right with her and how I wish I would have been different. I'm sure she knows this because I explained how I felt a while back. - Now I feel like I'm kinda back to square one again except with no motivation, only depression. I want to call my ex and or see her so bad. I just feel like this may not be the best move for me. I left the ball in her hands by telling her to let me know if she wants to give it another try durning one of our heavy talks months ago. I hope some of my lessons and feeling can help others and any advice I can still get I would like from you guys. Thanks again
Zammo25 Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Ive been in the process of breaking up with her since then, we have nothing in common and I can't even look at her in a relationship sense. The sex and having a dinner date is the only thing I get from it. From your post it seems you coldy dispatch women without a second thought. 1
Author zoomzoom Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Ive been in the process of breaking up with her since then, we have nothing in common and I can't even look at her in a relationship sense. The sex and having a dinner date is the only thing I get from it. From your post it seems you coldy dispatch women without a second thought. Not the case, Things started off on another level but after seeing her true colors its turned me off completely. She seems to just want the same things, dinner dates and sex etc.. She has no real interest in my life at all. How and why should I feel or attempt to feel the same about her?
magneet Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 hey mate i cant give any advice whatsoever, as i am in the same boat. especially with regard to having a few sex partners, seeing them and then missing the ex even more... only difference in my case is that my ex and i have a lot of contact - and i did tell her that i want her back. however she wants to be single now, she wants the time apart, until the end of the year. i have not read the whole story, but maybe initiating once would be an ok thing to do? as long as you dont do the begging part or if she explicitly said you should not try... i am sorry its so vague but i just wanted u to know that i know what u feel and that im in a similar boat. for heavens sake - my ex and i even went on a 2 week euro road trip, where i thought we would get back together.
Author zoomzoom Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 hey mate i cant give any advice whatsoever, as i am in the same boat. especially with regard to having a few sex partners, seeing them and then missing the ex even more... only difference in my case is that my ex and i have a lot of contact - and i did tell her that i want her back. however she wants to be single now, she wants the time apart, until the end of the year. i have not read the whole story, but maybe initiating once would be an ok thing to do? as long as you dont do the begging part or if she explicitly said you should not try... i am sorry its so vague but i just wanted u to know that i know what u feel and that im in a similar boat. for heavens sake - my ex and i even went on a 2 week euro road trip, where i thought we would get back together. Thanks for the response! It's a crappy as all get out feeling. Funny thing is last night I stopped by a mutual friends house to talk with them and they broke the news to me that she has been seeing her Lawyer for the past month! All the crap she told me about wanting to be single was BS, This guy came into the picture when we were still together and I had bad vibes about him. I guess the old trust your gut feeling is the right feeling. I think to make good with myself, Im going to put all my thoughts into a letter and send it. Close this up for good. It hurts but at least I know now and dont have to wonder anymore.
magneet Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Thanks for the response! It's a crappy as all get out feeling. Funny thing is last night I stopped by a mutual friends house to talk with them and they broke the news to me that she has been seeing her Lawyer for the past month! All the crap she told me about wanting to be single was BS, This guy came into the picture when we were still together and I had bad vibes about him. I guess the old trust your gut feeling is the right feeling. I think to make good with myself, Im going to put all my thoughts into a letter and send it. Close this up for good. It hurts but at least I know now and dont have to wonder anymore. like they say, one needs closure. or i believe in that at least. i guess you need to figure what u want in live, have a viable plan/strategy to get over her and stick to it. yours starts with getting closure by a letter - telling her what you want to tell her. then by moving on and stop holding on to the past. (easier said than done haha, as i am currently driven by hope). the main thing is - and i repeat - is to have plan after getting closure. and that old gut feeling, i hear u mate. i wish one would have a switch to get over the ex, or over the emotions. ps - just to contradict myself, the word on the forum is that one should write a letter, for closure, but never sent it. or rather write it and wait a while before you send it. maybe think about it, rationalise it. like it has been said to me before, " i am rooting for you buddy"... the more you let it out the more clear it becomes, and then u take action.
magneet Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) zoom zoom I read the other thread as well. Dont do it. dont send her the letter. breakups are confusing, i know u miss her. but i think she needs to work through stuff, dont pursue it. if you sent the letter - try to make peace with it. you deserve to come home to a house with food, heck, everyone deserves it. if you fight through the pain things will get better. 5 years is a long time and pain is normal. pain happens. it makes you stronger. we are still young, and so much ahead of us. Stay strong mate, dont give in. I think we can all find people who are more suited or what we want. Last thing - one meets people in certain life stages, some stay for longer and some for shorter amount of time. But we always learn something from all of them. Even from all our heart-aches. It makes us a better stronger person and inevitably it does influence our path of life. Example, I miss my dysfunctional relationship, with hope that it could be better in the future... but as everybody tells you on the life-saving forums, HOPE is not the way to go... Good luck Edited July 9, 2012 by magneet forgot to add some life changing words
Author zoomzoom Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 like they say, one needs closure. or i believe in that at least. i guess you need to figure what u want in live, have a viable plan/strategy to get over her and stick to it. yours starts with getting closure by a letter - telling her what you want to tell her. then by moving on and stop holding on to the past. (easier said than done haha, as i am currently driven by hope). the main thing is - and i repeat - is to have plan after getting closure. and that old gut feeling, i hear u mate. i wish one would have a switch to get over the ex, or over the emotions. ps - just to contradict myself, the word on the forum is that one should write a letter, for closure, but never sent it. or rather write it and wait a while before you send it. maybe think about it, rationalise it. like it has been said to me before, " i am rooting for you buddy"... the more you let it out the more clear it becomes, and then u take action. zoom zoom I read the other thread as well. Dont do it. dont send her the letter. breakups are confusing, i know u miss her. but i think she needs to work through stuff, dont pursue it. if you sent the letter - try to make peace with it. you deserve to come home to a house with food, heck, everyone deserves it. if you fight through the pain things will get better. 5 years is a long time and pain is normal. pain happens. it makes you stronger. we are still young, and so much ahead of us. Stay strong mate, dont give in. I think we can all find people who are more suited or what we want. Last thing - one meets people in certain life stages, some stay for longer and some for shorter amount of time. But we always learn something from all of them. Even from all our heart-aches. It makes us a better stronger person and inevitably it does influence our path of life. Example, I miss my dysfunctional relationship, with hope that it could be better in the future... but as everybody tells you on the life-saving forums, HOPE is not the way to go... Good luck Mag- You have been a great source of support! Thank you! It is hard but you have raised some very good points I did not think about. I just feel like the letter would help get my feelings about the situation out, Ive read it over several times and its not a begging asking back letter at all. Its just to say sorry for what I have recognized in myself and wish her the best. I would not lower myself to beg for her back. This is good! one meets people in certain life stages, some stay for longer and some for shorter amount of time. But we always learn something from all of them. Even from all our heart-aches. It makes us a better stronger person and inevitably it does influence our path of life. Tough but very true... Thank you for the understanding and support! I wish you the best with your problems, I'm there for you if you need to vent or talk!! It sounds like we can relate for sure. Its good people like us that can make this world a better place
magneet Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Mag- You have been a great source of support! Thank you! It is hard but you have raised some very good points I did not think about. I just feel like the letter would help get my feelings about the situation out, Ive read it over several times and its not a begging asking back letter at all. Its just to say sorry for what I have recognized in myself and wish her the best. I would not lower myself to beg for her back. This is good! one meets people in certain life stages, some stay for longer and some for shorter amount of time. But we always learn something from all of them. Even from all our heart-aches. It makes us a better stronger person and inevitably it does influence our path of life. Tough but very true... Thank you for the understanding and support! I wish you the best with your problems, I'm there for you if you need to vent or talk!! It sounds like we can relate for sure. Its good people like us that can make this world a better place thanks bud. I think the most important thing on this forum is to realize other things that we did not see. To acquire a different school of thought to help us through it. "I just feel like the letter would help get my feelings about the situation out, Ive read it over several times and its not a begging asking back letter at all. Its just to say sorry for what I have recognized in myself and wish her the best. I would not lower myself to beg for her back. " With regard to the letter - if it brings you closure, do it. I also started writing a letter to my ex, but then I rather phoned her and well... I guess I got the closure I wanted, not the answer I wanted whatsoever, but the closure you need to move on. In my case, I thought we would get back together in the future, but it turned out that she supported my move overseas, for me to leave so that we can separate. That she did want to get out of the relationship for year or longer but just basically enjoyed my comfort zone. the whole time i thought we would get back together in the future... F-me, and this naive thinking. Going through all these threads, it seems that we all love the other person more than ourselves. I some how believe that we need to fix ourselves, then we can have a normal functioning relationship. I looked into something called co-dependency, maybe you can relate to that as well? Having NC def helps the pain, I must say that. The worst is when I get a text after 5 days or so, saying "hello", or "pookels", and nothing else... somehow i have to grin about the stupidity of things that i or most of us do. I remember with my 1st LTR it was also a bad breakup and i really thought the next one would be easier on me... do keep us up to date, i truly beleive this site helps us realize what we need to.
Author zoomzoom Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 No problem at all... Your 100% right, Getting others input is what it takes to make the right call, Its easy to do what you *think* you know is best and thats not always the case. I have to agree with you on being co-dependent, I think thats why I stuck it out so long to make things work and now I have to face the music. Like others have said she left me not vice versa so why should I be sending her a letter? I hear ya when it comes to not being the first LTR that crumbles, You hope that it never hurts more down the road after your first love but thats not the case at all. False hopes and giving someone your everything can really screw someone up, best thing is just to let it go and get that person out of your head as hard is that is to do.
skyisfalling Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 5 years is a really long time to be with someone and I think 6 months is a relatively short period of time considering how much long you guys have been together. Perhaps, you kind of rebounded from one woman to the next and didn't really deal with the issues at hand and you just kind of brushed them away, so now, after all the women have been done with, at 6 months the issues are now surfacing. I suggest you take the time out for yourself, and really start to heal- keeping distance of other women. I found therapy helped me a lot in working out issues that i had prior to my relationship. If you're still thinking about your ex and you can't help but compare your ex with women you are dating, chances are you are not over your ex and will end up bringing baggage into your new relationship. Why dont you give yourself some time to think and evaluate yourself before you jump back into another relationship with the ex? Let the ex be for now, and nurture yourself, that's what I think you may need the most. Keep us posted! 1
Author zoomzoom Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 5 years is a really long time to be with someone and I think 6 months is a relatively short period of time considering how much long you guys have been together. Perhaps, you kind of rebounded from one woman to the next and didn't really deal with the issues at hand and you just kind of brushed them away, so now, after all the women have been done with, at 6 months the issues are now surfacing. I suggest you take the time out for yourself, and really start to heal- keeping distance of other women. I found therapy helped me a lot in working out issues that i had prior to my relationship. If you're still thinking about your ex and you can't help but compare your ex with women you are dating, chances are you are not over your ex and will end up bringing baggage into your new relationship. Why dont you give yourself some time to think and evaluate yourself before you jump back into another relationship with the ex? Let the ex be for now, and nurture yourself, that's what I think you may need the most. Keep us posted! I'd have to say I agree with you, I am planning on just doing "me" for a while. It hurts like hell being single, all of my buddys I used to run with are all tied down or married so I don't even have my old crew. Maybe its a good thing? Ive been thinking about going back to therapy, I did 5 weeks right after the split but Im in another spot now feelings are much worse... As far as the letter I took everyones advice and wrote it but did not send it, a friend of mine and hers told me that she wanted the letter and had asked her of she knew if I sent it or not, I told her to tell her that I did not nor was I going to.
magneet Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I'd have to say I agree with you, I am planning on just doing "me" for a while. It hurts like hell being single, all of my buddys I used to run with are all tied down or married so I don't even have my old crew. Maybe its a good thing? Ive been thinking about going back to therapy, I did 5 weeks right after the split but Im in another spot now feelings are much worse... As far as the letter I took everyones advice and wrote it but did not send it, a friend of mine and hers told me that she wanted the letter and had asked her of she knew if I sent it or not, I told her to tell her that I did not nor was I going to. Congrats on not sending in. I just wanted to say that I am also doing the same thing of spending time with myself. Trying to sort out my baggage. It does suck and I think about her every single day - its tough. But the great thing is I am learning something new everyday - growing slowly. Therapy does sound like the best thing to do I am trying to move in, having no NC, being strong an trying to heal. But deep down I hope that we get back together in a few months. So I am kind of sabotaging myself - I hate this. Can anyone relate to that? Or am I the only twat who thinks like that
Author zoomzoom Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Congrats on not sending in. I just wanted to say that I am also doing the same thing of spending time with myself. Trying to sort out my baggage. It does suck and I think about her every single day - its tough. But the great thing is I am learning something new everyday - growing slowly. Therapy does sound like the best thing to do I am trying to move in, having no NC, being strong an trying to heal. But deep down I hope that we get back together in a few months. So I am kind of sabotaging myself - I hate this. Can anyone relate to that? Or am I the only twat who thinks like that It does suck! Its a slow and alone road that I think we MUST travel for a bit, Thats how I'm looking at it. I guess you have to push through the pain in order to have good relationships down the road. Brother hear me!! I did the SAME THING when we split, I kept it in the back of my mind deep down that we would get back in a few months, I gave it about 6 months in my mind and just went out and never came to grip with it untill now. Its been about that 6 months and I know its not going to happen. Its like getting kicked in the stomach twice, this time far down the road we need to come to terms and realize they are gone and gone for good. Its a hard pill to take but you will feel better know its done for good. I broke down so upset yesterday driving home but every time I do I feel better after I'm done. It's helped to be angry with her now and realize what a POS she is, take your ex off the pedestal and realize that they are not worth you or your love because they don't deserve it nor do they want it. I keep telling myself and you do the same that IT WILL GET BETTER! Just need to take time
magneet Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Brother hear me!! I did the SAME THING when we split, I kept it in the back of my mind deep down that we would get back in a few months, I gave it about 6 months in my mind and just went out and never came to grip with it untill now. Its been about that 6 months and I know its not going to happen. Its like getting kicked in the stomach twice, this time far down the road we need to come to terms and realize they are gone and gone for good. Its a hard pill to take but you will feel better know its done for good. I broke down so upset yesterday driving home but every time I do I feel better after I'm done. It's helped to be angry with her now and realize what a POS she is, take your ex off the pedestal and realize that they are not worth you or your love because they don't deserve it nor do they want it. I keep telling myself and you do the same that IT WILL GET BETTER! Just need to take time Somehow I know we wont get back together but still the hope is there. Damn mind is playing so many tricks... I also had a break down this morning, I did feel better afterwards but the last week its just getting worse and worse. One thing I will do is keep on telling myself that they are not worth the love because they dont deserve it! Thinking back to my previous LTR breakup, I did that as well, and man - that did help. Funny that we do the same thing more than once... Thank zooms for the feedback and motivation zooms. I hope you will be racing through all of this 1
magneet Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 BTW Zoom, there are 5 stages of grieve that we all have to go through... The five stages of grief Kubler-Ross wrote about are: Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance I belief I go through the top 4 the whole time... oh man, sure hope i still not stuck on the first one hehe >)
Author zoomzoom Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 BTW Zoom, there are 5 stages of grieve that we all have to go through... The five stages of grief Kubler-Ross wrote about are: Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance I belief I go through the top 4 the whole time... oh man, sure hope i still not stuck on the first one hehe >) I feel like I have hit most of those for sure, Funny thing is just not in that order
magneet Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I feel like I have hit most of those for sure, Funny thing is just not in that order haha.. ditto. how are you holding up? my feelings and emotions are so mixed, constantly jumping between extremes.
Author zoomzoom Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 haha.. ditto. how are you holding up? my feelings and emotions are so mixed, constantly jumping between extremes. Ok, better each day staying busy is great!!! when I'm alone at home I dont even want to be there!!! thats the worst part of all, I'm like why? I have this big empty house what the point of this? I bought the damn thing for my "family" or so I thought they were. Ive kept away from women, even ones Ive wanted to go out with because I feel its just right for me to have "me" time for now. My bender I went on only prolonged my feelings by covering them up... But most of my feeling about her are almost pure anger at this point, some sad and missing her but mostly anger that I never felt before... How about you? any better?
magneet Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Ok, better each day staying busy is great!!! when I'm alone at home I dont even want to be there!!! thats the worst part of all, I'm like why? I have this big empty house what the point of this? I bought the damn thing for my "family" or so I thought they were. Ive kept away from women, even ones Ive wanted to go out with because I feel its just right for me to have "me" time for now. My bender I went on only prolonged my feelings by covering them up... But most of my feeling about her are almost pure anger at this point, some sad and missing her but mostly anger that I never felt before... How about you? any better? i can totally relate, especially with the "me" time. I have got no interest whatsoever. Weekends I am real busy, visiting family, travelling, going out, not that I really want to, but in a way I am enjoying this. I have taken on a new project of maybe opening a business on the side, in addition to having the prospects of changing jobs somehow give me some more motivation. I cant stop thinking about her, which sucks, but somehow the last few days the way I feel about her did change. Maybe its a phase, maybe in denial, I dont know. Maybe its because I am having a good weekend. After two weeks of NC she texted me, I was like, damn, I did not want to hear from her. After replying the next day and being civil she played the card, " i was jsut checking that you were ok" and that you must live life... obviously the texts stopped midway through, from her. somehow I jsut felt like WTF. I dont want this anymore (maybe still with a bit of hope at the back of my mind, that maaaaaybe we will get together in a few months - it seems as if I cant get rid of that feeling). However, the deep sadness is not that much the last few days. even though i had another cry when i was driving to work the monday morning a couple of days ago. I assume the correct analogy would be "emotional rollercoaster". As you said, having a combination of all the 5 stages at once hehe. I am glad you are keeping busy, its good - I guess the best medicine is having friends around... my mind is still a cloudy from going out last night, so apologies as i cant think that straight :/
magneet Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 maybe I spoke to soon. I accidentally went onto my exes facebook page when i openend facebook. Damn. Unfortunately I hesitated a second too long and saw a photo her with who knows who, and a anxious feeling shot through my tummy, body and my mind started racing in a thousand different directions. It was only the small photo so i could not see in detail and had no intentions of looking into it either. ahhhhhhhh. when we first broke up she removed me from my facebook, after spending time together lately it we got befriended again. well, then the final break came and I thought I could be civil, by keeping her on facebook but not looking at her stuff and just blocking her posts. Its tougher then what I thought. maybe i must consider removing her totally from my life and all ideas or hope from it as well. Facebook, so evil...
Author zoomzoom Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 i can totally relate, especially with the "me" time. I have got no interest whatsoever. Weekends I am real busy, visiting family, travelling, going out, not that I really want to, but in a way I am enjoying this. I have taken on a new project of maybe opening a business on the side, in addition to having the prospects of changing jobs somehow give me some more motivation. I cant stop thinking about her, which sucks, but somehow the last few days the way I feel about her did change. Maybe its a phase, maybe in denial, I dont know. Maybe its because I am having a good weekend. After two weeks of NC she texted me, I was like, damn, I did not want to hear from her. After replying the next day and being civil she played the card, " i was jsut checking that you were ok" and that you must live life... obviously the texts stopped midway through, from her. somehow I jsut felt like WTF. I dont want this anymore (maybe still with a bit of hope at the back of my mind, that maaaaaybe we will get together in a few months - it seems as if I cant get rid of that feeling). However, the deep sadness is not that much the last few days. even though i had another cry when i was driving to work the monday morning a couple of days ago. I assume the correct analogy would be "emotional rollercoaster". As you said, having a combination of all the 5 stages at once hehe. I am glad you are keeping busy, its good - I guess the best medicine is having friends around... my mind is still a cloudy from going out last night, so apologies as i cant think that straight :/ Good thats great! Sounds like you are working towards positive ambitions! It is a rollercoaster for sure, even when times are good they always linger! Best thing I have found is just pretending that they are no longer a person, dead, gone what ever it takes. I don't want to hear about her or what shes doing nothing at all. You should take the same man!!! Its not helping!!! Like you said in your last post about Facebook, UNFRIEND HER!!!!!!!! that would kill me if I had to look at my ex on there!! I was lucky that she never has had a FB account so I did not have to deal with it, her brother did but I took him off my friends list fast because I did not even want to see him. As far as texts & calls, I did that too when things were still month two fresh we did communicate but I put in the NC because it was breadcrumbs. Matter of fact she texted me Thursday night asking if I was ok with her working a little side gig that I help a buddy with one week out of the year. She helped last year and before we broke up she was counting on doing it again this year... to say the least when she called by buddy he was like uhh Ill call you if I need you (not a chance in hell he was going to have her work this) after we split. I did not even respond back! I did feel bad because it was just a simple question but I think she got the point after I did not even reply to it. And to top things off she sent my Aunt a letter and some school pictures of her daughter first of the week! I wish she would just go away!! thats what she wanted so do it!
Recommended Posts