zoomzoom Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Hello all, I am a new user. Glad I found this place! It looks like a great community. 3 weeks ago I had a 5 year relationship with my now ex gf end and I am having a tough time moving forward and figuring out what to do. Background of the relationship- I was 21 and she was 23 when we got together. I'm 26 now and she 28. We found each other while out with our friends at a local bar right around this time of the year. She was interested in me and I was not looking for anything at the time. She had just moved here from Ca about a year prior to that to stay with her parents after leaving her husband (very abusive and dangerous situation) the guy was a thug and had a gun to her head when she left. They had a child together who was 3 years old when she moved here (she had solo custody granted by the state). We started dating and one thing went to another. We had a good solid run, very connected with each other and no trust or cheating issues during our 5 year span. We had the typical problems couples have but nothing major. She had not completed any education including a GED or resolved her marrage although she wanted to get the devorice and had no intentions on ever seeing him again. Over the 5 years she never worked on herself, something she would get hot and cold with at times. She is not a very motivated person and struggles with depression and has a family history of mental illness. She always told me that most of her motivation came from her daughter and myself. She was working a very basic low paying job and did not have a car. I helped her get a car and pushed her to get a decent job that she could get without even a GED. She also never worked on the devorce or education and I pushed her to work on those factors but that needed to be done by her only. We did not live together untill a year ago when I bought my first house and they moved in. Things had been a struggle that last 8 months or so, I was frustrated with her lack of money management, I asked her to contribute a small amount to help with the bills and she would each month but she would also spend on uneeded items and not save a cent. I am very good with money management and it has taken me far in my young life, I have a few cars and my own home because of my hard work and saving. I would get frustrated with that and she did not help out with basic things cleaning, cooking around the house. I work twice as many hours and would come home to a mess and no food after a 14 hour day and she would be at home all day off work. The other major problem was she had no management or structure for her daughter (now 8 years old). I attempted to impliment those basics when we moved in but I was given alot of flack and was not supported 80% of the time. I just feel that a child should have a bed time and basic structure to turn out right in life. She did what she wanted and with her personality she has become a very outspoken and somewhat disrespectful child at 8. For the most part she was a good kid and I do love her and attempted to be that "father figure" that her mother wanted me to be but I was often told I was to harsh and not loving enough. It got to a point where I just backed away in almost all aspects becuase I never got any support from her so I too just let her daughter do what she wanted. I was nice to her and watched her and helped out as I always did but I tossed in the towl as far as being a "father figure". Things had been drying up between us and feelings had been growing cold on both ends but I fought to try to make things better and she did notice the changes I was making with myself, attitude etc.. I suggested we go to counceling and everything up untill the last few weeks. Now in the last two months she did start to work on the devorice for the first time and she also started taking a GED class, and I was very proud and supportive of her for doing this. The split- V-Day comes around, I had flowers sent to her job and had a nice card and some other things for her. She got the flowers and loved them, made her feel special and was happy with them. I worked a 10 hour day and then had a 3 hour class that night (grad student) when I came home the house was a mess, there was no dinner and no card nothing at all. I was disapointed but it was not the end of the world. So I figured we could have some down/alone time that night? Well as usual her daughter was up untill about 11PM and she made no effort to get her to bed early. I went to bed before she even put her daughter to bed and then she came in to the room after that, I was awake and hoping for some love and nothing, dry as a empty well. Frustrated, I just got up and left the house for a walk around the block to cool down. When I returned I sat downstairs and watched the TV. She came down from the bedroom and asked if I was OK? I said I was fine and then she went back to bed. The next day she calls me when Im driving home from work and asked if I was there and I told her not yet, she tells me she is staying at her parents tonight because she needs to think about things. I agreed calmly and said thats fine and we can talk tomorrow. The next day rolls around and she says that she is going to move back to her parents house becuase she wants to work on herself and her daughter and that she was sorry but she is not happy and fell out of love with me but still loves me. She said that she wants to be alone and not date anyone and just work on her and be by herself, the relationship was to much with everything she wants to fix with herslelf and she said that she was not happy with herself. She told me this all "clicked" when she saw how she was hurting me that V day evening, she said she could see it on my face that she could not give me what I needed and deserved at this time. We did not raise a mean word with each other during all of this, very civil and calm and I was understanding. A few days later, she came to get her things and I wound up helping her since she really does not have any friends, she always felt friends were a distraction and did not have the time for them. Hence no moving help! I helped with many truck loads. We talked for few days on and off after she was back about odd ball items she packed that were mine and vise versa. So last Saturday night she wanted to swap the items, I told her I would be out with friends and she could stop by when she got off work. She comes to the establishment I'm at, changed from her work clothing and sporting a new hair style and she looked killer, always was a beautiful women but looked at her best that night. We wound up alone at the bar talking with eachother as the night went on about what went wrong and our flaws, she did say that she felt the reason she "fell out of love" was becuase of her daughter and that I was not being the way she wanted me to be with her. She did say she saw me changing and improving with her near the end but said that this was something that had to happen to give her the motiviation to fix herself and she assumed 70% of this ending as her fault. She told me she hoped I never let anyone treat me how she did and truly feels bad. I felt she was being hard on herself. I did own up to where I relaized I went wrong with her daughter and told her that I want to be a better man and a family man and that I know I have it in me, she agreed that I have the ability to do it but she said she was not able to bring that out in me because of how she had been treating me. She told me that she felt better about me now in that aspect of her daughter then the 5 years we were together based on what I told her. I was trying to get a feel for how she is looking at this split up, she said that she wants to be friends and does not want to loose me from her life because she loves me but she can not be in a relationship at this time, she not ready. She did tell me the same thing about not being ready for a relationship 5 years ago when we hooked up so it was not a shock. She said that she did not see why her feelings could not come back in time and she said that she would have no problem taking a second look at things in the future when she is ready but she could not gaurentee anything. She said that I need to move forward but was happy that I was still going to be in her life. I told her friends is fine but I need my time to wrap my head around all of this and rebuild my life, house and goals. Things were left at that and I have made no contact with her during all of this. Wednesday I was at an appointment and had my car parked on main street and when I came out and checked my phone, I had a text from her saying that she saw my car parked on the street and she hoped I was well and to have a goodnight. That was the last I have heard from her and have no plans on contacting her in the near future. So I just wonder what she is thinking, I feel like I am getting mixed signals from this. Is she going to want to look at things down the road? does she miss me or feel like she made a mistake? I have a full plate and don't have the time to go out and date and run around like I used to. I liked the family life that I had and I miss it. Its odd being in the same house that we moved into together and for me to provide for them and now they are gone.... Any input on this matter would be great! Thanks all!
syke Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 (edited) There are 2 sides to a coin. I've read your side. From what I've read, I do not understand why an accomplished, motivated, and ambitious young man is playing second fiddle to a woman who shows little to no care. I, after my experiences, understand now that love is blind, however maybe it is time you take that in for yourself? ... it sounds like she really used and abused your kind nature. You did not leave your ex, she left you. If she was able to do that after all you have helped her with, she definitely has some issues that are again not up for you to fix. I understand that you want to take care and that is very commendable, however you cannot take it upon yourself to fix and help someone who does not want to fix and help themselves. You will burn yourself out and exhaust yourself from even thinking about future relationships. You are now 26, you are still young, you have time to fall in love again with a woman who is of your "equal". Someone just as ambitious, smart, confident and mentally stable. You now should realize what you want, and do not want in a woman. Remember you will be spending the rest of your life with this person, so pick and choose your mate carefully, because in the end you only will have yourself to blame. Take some time, and breathe. Let yourself feel the light and happiness of not having to take care of a burden. Do pat yourself on the pack for being a mature, respectful and appropriate man, a real man. Also, I don't think it's a good idea to remain "friends" right now. Edited March 10, 2012 by syke
freetolove Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 Hey there! Thanks for sharing your story. It's a tough situation but I do understand where both of you are coming from. She probably wants to become more independent and learn how to trust/believe in herself. There's a few things that you can do. Take care of yourself. You need to pull yourself together and take care of you again. Don't cling on, it will only frustrate her. I was in a situation similar to hers but just not as bad, I was mainly young and a little lost. I decided to break up with my boyfriend because I felt like I didn't know who I was. I really did care about my boyfriend but i felt like he looked down on me. He made a lot more money then I did. I was working in non profit. He had to foot the bill for a lot of things. I think he started to resent it a little, similar to you. I couldn't really do much special for him on Vday, it wasn't that I didn't want to, it was at that point, I was sad about my situation as well as strapped for cash. After I found myself, got a better job I felt more confident. I didn't want to get back with him because at the end he became extremely needy and it drove me crazy. I didn't want to hurt him. We don't talk anymore even though I did care about him. So, my suggestion is don't cling on to her. I'm not saying jump into dating right away, the will hurt her. But just give her some space. She'll start missing you because obviously you were a big part of her support system. She might just want to know that she can take care of herself. Dont' be too hard on yourself, you're a decent guy. If she doesn't turn around in a few months, you should move on. In the meantime, work on you, go to school, meet new people, the usual advice. Don't put all your eggs in one basket as she might very well move on but if she sees a confident man, she will respect you better whether she dates you in the future or not.
KathyM Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I'd say you just aren't a match. You are the super-responsible one, the motivated, intelligent, highly disciplined type. She is a slacker, unmotivated, undisciplined, uneducated. So you try to parent her as well as her daughter, to try to instill dicipline in her, and she is resenting your attempt to parent her, and your parenting styles with the daughter clash. You really can't make someone into something that they are not, and you'll just frustrate the h*ll out of yourself and her if you try. She's a child in a woman's body, and is not relationship material. I think you would be wise to let her go. This difference in style and attitude is not going to go away, and will continue to be a thorn in your relationship and build resentment if you were to continue the relationship. Cut your losses and move on. You're still a young man. And I would suggest you be cautious about whom you pick to have a relationship with. Don't be a "rescuer type" that seeks women who are needy or deficient. You will have an unequal parent/child relationship with women like that, just like you had with your gf, and that can be draining after awhile, and builds resentment, just like what happened in your relationship.
Author zoomzoom Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 There are 2 sides to a coin. I've read your side. From what I've read, I do not understand why an accomplished, motivated, and ambitious young man is playing second fiddle to a woman who shows little to no care. I, after my experiences, understand now that love is blind, however maybe it is time you take that in for yourself? ... it sounds like she really used and abused your kind nature. You did not leave your ex, she left you. If she was able to do that after all you have helped her with, she definitely has some issues that are again not up for you to fix. I understand that you want to take care and that is very commendable, however you cannot take it upon yourself to fix and help someone who does not want to fix and help themselves. You will burn yourself out and exhaust yourself from even thinking about future relationships. You are now 26, you are still young, you have time to fall in love again with a woman who is of your "equal". Someone just as ambitious, smart, confident and mentally stable. You now should realize what you want, and do not want in a woman. Remember you will be spending the rest of your life with this person, so pick and choose your mate carefully, because in the end you only will have yourself to blame. Take some time, and breathe. Let yourself feel the light and happiness of not having to take care of a burden. Do pat yourself on the pack for being a mature, respectful and appropriate man, a real man. Also, I don't think it's a good idea to remain "friends" right now. Thanks Syke, Thank you for the kind words. I see what you are saying and you are right. I have not thought about myself this whole time. Ive worked hard not to let this mess up my daily tasks and I'm doing well with that. I think I should look at myself and what I want. I never really took that time for me, I always just went with the flow and did what I felt was right. You are right about the friends thing, Its not what I want at this time at all. I need my space. Hey there! Thanks for sharing your story. It's a tough situation but I do understand where both of you are coming from. She probably wants to become more independent and learn how to trust/believe in herself. There's a few things that you can do. Take care of yourself. You need to pull yourself together and take care of you again. Don't cling on, it will only frustrate her. I was in a situation similar to hers but just not as bad, I was mainly young and a little lost. I decided to break up with my boyfriend because I felt like I didn't know who I was. I really did care about my boyfriend but i felt like he looked down on me. He made a lot more money then I did. I was working in non profit. He had to foot the bill for a lot of things. I think he started to resent it a little, similar to you. I couldn't really do much special for him on Vday, it wasn't that I didn't want to, it was at that point, I was sad about my situation as well as strapped for cash. After I found myself, got a better job I felt more confident. I didn't want to get back with him because at the end he became extremely needy and it drove me crazy. I didn't want to hurt him. We don't talk anymore even though I did care about him. So, my suggestion is don't cling on to her. I'm not saying jump into dating right away, the will hurt her. But just give her some space. She'll start missing you because obviously you were a big part of her support system. She might just want to know that she can take care of herself. Dont' be too hard on yourself, you're a decent guy. If she doesn't turn around in a few months, you should move on. In the meantime, work on you, go to school, meet new people, the usual advice. Don't put all your eggs in one basket as she might very well move on but if she sees a confident man, she will respect you better whether she dates you in the future or not. Freetolove, No problem. You are right your story sounds to be about the same as mine. I did leave that part out, you hit the nail on the head! because she also told me that she wants to be able to be independent and not need to have someone take care of her. She said that once she feels she is able to take care of her daughter and herself she would then be ready to consider a relationship with me or anyone. That's going to be a tough struggle for her given all of the cards she has been delt. I'm glad her parents are going to support her while she works on herself, they are good people. I feel that my "cling" is in my head, I have been strong and not crumbled/begged when we have talked. I've not contacted her either and do not plan on doing so. I have no problem with what she wanted because I know her intentions and they are for the best. It's just a matter of removing her from my thoughts, being at home and at night sleeping alone is the worst part. I am lucky enough to have two cool cats that run around the house so they help! Thanks for your input, it sounds spot on with what she is doing.
Author zoomzoom Posted March 10, 2012 Author Posted March 10, 2012 I'd say you just aren't a match. You are the super-responsible one, the motivated, intelligent, highly disciplined type. She is a slacker, unmotivated, undisciplined, uneducated. So you try to parent her as well as her daughter, to try to instill dicipline in her, and she is resenting your attempt to parent her, and your parenting styles with the daughter clash. You really can't make someone into something that they are not, and you'll just frustrate the h*ll out of yourself and her if you try. She's a child in a woman's body, and is not relationship material. I think you would be wise to let her go. This difference in style and attitude is not going to go away, and will continue to be a thorn in your relationship and build resentment if you were to continue the relationship. Cut your losses and move on. You're still a young man. And I would suggest you be cautious about whom you pick to have a relationship with. Don't be a "rescuer type" that seeks women who are needy or deficient. You will have an unequal parent/child relationship with women like that, just like you had with your gf, and that can be draining after awhile, and builds resentment, just like what happened in your relationship. Thanks Kathy, I thought about that also. We live in two worlds with our thoughts. It's hard because deep down she is a great, trusting, down to earth person. It's hard to find people who tell you how it is and you can communicate your feelings completley. You are right though, I have been very frustrated because it was like parenting two people. Many times I was scared the house was going to get burned down while she was home. She just never paid attention to the simple things. I don't consider myself a "rescuer type", she was the one that came after me but I suppose I did fill that need for her, I never went after that type of women before. I love to help people in any way I can and I suppose that happened in the relationship alot. I have learned tons from this situation though.
Author zoomzoom Posted March 11, 2012 Author Posted March 11, 2012 I just wonder if by not calling her and keeping in touch if this will do any harm down the road if there is a shot at getting better? She was clear about wanting to stay intouch and have me in her life. If I stay no contact (I know its best for me) I just dont want to screw up any shots down the road
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