Murse Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 m Ok so her is my story. This may be a long one. I have been reading this site for the last couple of days and I'm at my wits end and heartbroken . First of all I feel like alot of this imy fault and I'm just looking for some guidance or any hope for my situation. I am now 30 years old and the single father of two kids. The girl Im in love with left me about 4 weeks ago and I didnt know how I felt until she left. This relationship probably started as a rebound but now I am so in love with her it hurts. Let me start at the beginning, about a year in a half ago I separated from my ex fiance who we have a beautiful 3 year old girl together. My little girl was my world but the relationship was bad. We fought alot and just didn't get along at all. It was the kind of relationship where she would throw my stuff out in the yard and then take me back. Well I moved in with a friend on a temporary basis initially. We continued fighting but she thought we might work it out. I started just seeing a couple of different women but nothing serious. But then all of the sudden one of them I liked alot. This new girl was so sweet, cute and someone that was very much a good match for me. I didnt tell my ex for a week. She was of course upset and I felt guilty. Fast forward, 3 months later new girl gets pregnant. Up until this point I had thought in the back of my mind that I would probably wind up back with my ex out of guilt or for one more chance. We still split 50/50 custody of our daughter and this was so hard on both of us. The new girl had also recently came from a longer relationship and was 24 so a little younger than me. She was hesitant at first but then fell in love with me. We moved in together and things were great. Except I still wondered and had this guildt for my ex. She moved on and was with a new guy. She had some traumatic things happen and I would be there for her as much as I could but I seem to forget the bad times. When my son was newly born I did something really stupid and tried to go back to my ex. It broke the new girl's heart and I quickly remembered what it was like with my ex. Within a week we were off again and I spent weeks sleeping on couches and eventually moved back in with new girl. After working through some stuff it got betttr and we had good times again. I still had this reservation in the back of my mind though. A few months down the road we started fighting again and it was mainly me shutting down on her. I still was unsure at this point I think. She moved out and after a week asked me back and I said no. I thought I wanted to get back with my ex again but didnt' do anything and just slept in the spare room. I then found out the new girl was seeing someone a couple of times and it ate me up. I quickly realized how I felt and I was hurting so bad. Fast forward I came back to my empty house a few weeks ago. I have worked everyday and shared custody of my son with the new girl. She initally said she didnt have feelings for me like that anymore. I begged and pleaded which I now knw is not the right tactic. She agreed to be friends and I was just there for my son. I started going to counseling and trying to work on myself. Then one day I asked her back and she said yes. She then flip flopped a couple of hours later . Later on that evening she was talking on the phone to me and ran out of gas and I went to help her. She confessed then that she still had feelings for me, told me she only has loved two people in her life and one of them was me . The other her first boyfriend. We spent the next few days together and it was amazing. I thought I had her back and now I knew I really loved her. She texted the new guy and told him she still had feelings for me and had lied about it to him. Then 4 days into it she looked through my phone. There was nothing incriminating except that she got upset about the way I talked to my friend about how I had won her back. That night at her house I looked through her phone and then confessed to it when she asked. She was talking to other guy and saying she was unsure. This pushed her away and the next morning she broke it off. After that I broke down several times in front of her and acted like an idiot. Which Im sure didnt help my case. Fast forward to now. We to now. We are back on a friends level but it hurts so much. Ive been seeing a counselor and he says just focus on being me and being a good friend and a dad. I know no contact is popular here but with a kid and the way the counselor talks its not what ive been doing. She says that again she doesnt feel for me like that and maybe in 6 months or when I do x y, and z. I now know that I truely love this girl, Im totally over the thought of ever wanting to be with my first ex. I feel like I waited too late and she loved me when I was unsure. I want nothing but to have one more chance and Im afraid she will move on. Im doing everything I can and I dont know if its enough. I'm heartbroken and I dont know if Ive ever felt like this for someone in my life. Any guidance or support would help. I know my actions have been despicable but I didnt have alot of experience with any relationships prior to my first ex and Ive made a few giant mistakes. Thanks for any help you can provide.
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